October 20, 2009


This is an interesting topic that few fail to truly look at. Here is a simple question: what constitutes experience in the BDSM world? How long does someone need to be in the lifestyle before they are considered "experienced"? I bet this is something that really never crossed your mind.

I am guilty of doing this same thing myself. I often write that new people should seek out people with experience. Sadly, since I do not offer any qualifications they should seek, I am actually sending them on a wild goose chase.

There is a tendency for people who have "been around a while" to consider themselves experienced. This holds for both those who live online and the ones who are real time. New people are often drawn to someone who has "lived" the lifestyle before. Unfortunately, it seems that few who actually post online have much in terms of real world experience.

People who live online have a background with some of the protocols that online disciplines promote. Nevertheless, I will never state that this is something that even compares with real time. I know many will take exception but none who have lived both ways. The makeup of a relationship completely changes when it is moved out of the virtual world.

Therefore, I believe anyone who has lived even a day of real time has more experience than one who is online. In fact, this concept is held by the true "old-timers" who got into this lifestyle long before the Internet was even an idea. If you meet these people at munches you will quickly understand how they laugh off the online idea. To old timers, this has merit.

Real time certainly creates a plethora of learning opportunities. Everyday in the real world is a learning experience. This is no different than any other type of relationship that you were in. However, this is where the problem of experience comes up. If you were seeking answers to marriage, would you seek someone out who was married 6 months or one with 20 years. I would say the information you receive from the person with 6 months might be a little biased since there is a good chance that person is operating in the "honeymoon" period. One who is married 20 years is able to accurately relate all the ups and downs of that lifestyle. There probably is little that he or she has not seen in that time.

This brings up a fundamental issue with seeking people to learn from in the BDSM world. I see many who share all their experience with new people. The concerning part is that a great deal of these people have only been in the lifestyle for a few months. Of course, there are the long timers online who have been around for a couple of years. These are the ones who are touted as "experts".

I put together this blog as a way to clear up some of the misinformation about the BDSM lifestyle. What I relate here is just my observations and experience. I do not profess to have all the answers but I do have enough time around this way of life to notice the patterns that keep repeating itself. Realistically, there is nothing new that is occurring. The pretenders keep playing the same games they always have. New people keep falling for the same tricks. And, know-it-alls come off with all the answers because their way of life is the true one.

At the end of the day, we still have a lot of people turned off by those who supposedly are in this lifestyle. People, with their actions, mislead those who are vulnerable. My belief is that people are in the position they are for a reason. I can only relate my experience and observations with others. What they do with it is up to them. Everyday is a learning experience for me thus I can only presume that I will know a bit more about this way of life a year from now. That is how I feel my experience can be of value to others. Do with it as you see fit.

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