August 19, 2009

Submissive To Life or A Person?

In my book An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step process that is necessary for each person to go through for submission. I came up with this process after watching so many wrestle with substandard Doms/Masters. Those who approached things in this manner seemed to have a better sense of what it takes to make it in the BDSM lifestyle.

Many seem to think that one submits to a Dom/Master first. They carry the notion that the quest begins with looking for someone to become the One. This is completely crazy. It has everything backwards.

To start, submissiveness is something that a person uncovers about him or herself. It is within them naturally. The process of searching is to reveal something that is already there. A Dom/Master does not implement it. Therefore, for the moment, the other person is irrelevant. In fact, to succeed in this lifestyle, one needs to conclude something else first.

The submission process begins by submitting to the lifestyle. Another way of putting this is to commit to this way of life. That is only done after internal self-searching to reveal what is right for you. After you reach that conclusion and know this way of life is what you desire, then you can go about the search for another person. However, it is important to not get the cart before the horse.

Too often a sub/slave becomes dependent upon a Dom/Master at this phase of the process. She believes that he will be the one to show her whether this way of life is for her. If things do not work out, there is always the traditional way of life. Once again, this is simply wrong.

Did you determine your sexual preference based upon the people you slept with? Did you wait until you got laid to conclude whether you were heterosexual or not? Perhaps you did but that would put you in an extreme minority. Most uncovered their sexual desires long before actually experiencing it.

The same holds true in this way of life. A person needs to determine where he or she stands before engaging in a deeply committed M/s or D/s relationship. Those who choose a Dom/Master to help show whether this way of life is for her risk being misled by that person. What I mean is that if things turn out badly, she will conclude it wasnt for her when, in fact, it might have been him. Also, if things go well, it might be that love is the overriding emotion as opposed to submission. Thus, if it ends, that person cannot see herself in the lifestyle. Her decision was based solely on the other person.

Therefore, I feel it crucial for one to understand what his or her natural desires are. Many tell me they were submissive in their traditional relationship and it was when they found BDSM that things started to make sense. I personally experienced this on the dominant side. My past vanilla relationships had me fighting for control. It was only when I got involved in BDSM did I come to understand my dominant tendencies. Thus I was able to commit to this way of life irregardless of who I was involved with.

Those who first submit to the lifestyle are here for the long term. No matter what happens to their present relationships, they will carry on searching for another. However, those who mix up their feelings by involving another in the submission risk exiting if something happens to that person (or the relationship). This concept contrasts the difference of doing something because of feelings for the other person as opposed to doing it because it is natural.

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