Trust: Trusting The Wrong Person

We talk about trust a lot in the lifestyle. Of course, when referring to relationships, it is natural that this topic is covered. We all know that without trust, there is not much of a relationship. It is one of the fundamental blocks of a healthy interaction. Each person needs to trust the other.

Being Gun Shy

I recently came across a situation that reminded me of what can occur. We write a great deal about the pretenders in an effort to warn people about the games that are played. The reason this is done is because people of this sort can cause tremendous damage. Sadly, it is something we see all the time.

What happens to a person after he or she gets hurt by someone of this nature? Naturally, one is going to become a bit gun shy when approaching the next interaction. Of course, this is not only applicable when dealing with pretenders. There are many experiences from people's past that can cause them to have this outlook.

Trust is a fragile thing which is easy to break. Anyone who was cheated on when in a monogamous relationship knows this intimately. While the other person can attempt to make all the amends in the world and swear it will never happen again, there is always that thought in the back of one's mind whenever the person leaves the house. Unfortunately, this experience will carry over into the next relationship also. How many of us have been accused of cheating without merit? Often, that is just the other individual's old experiences emerging.

Wrongly Trusting

Many will assert, after experiencing some of the things I just mentioned, that they cannot trust anyone. Their belief is that trusting is their problem. It is not. The actual truth of the matter is this person has a problem with trusting the wrong person. Trust is a healthy and natural concept. It is something we do from the time we are young. It comes natural to us. However, when we trust the wrong people, they tend to let us down. This causes us to establish walls as a way of protecting ourselves.

It is never wrong to trust. The problem arises when one trust someone who is unworthy of it. This is where people get themselves in trouble. Using the pretender as an example, here is a person who is clearly (after the fact) incapable of providing what was stated. Thus, trusting this person is a mistake. Of course, things are a lot easier in hindsight. Nevertheless, life is lived in the present and decisions are made without the future knowledge. The challenge is to learn to spot the warning signs ahead of time to avert dangerous situations.

In closing, do not believe that your ability to trust is a problem. It is not. Where you need to focus your attention is on being more selective about those who you do trust. Trusting the wrong person can never lead to a positive outcome. However, don't give up the idea of trusting. Those who wall up and do not trust tend to become old and lonely people. We all were burnt at one time or another. The only way to succeed is to hang in there and get back in the game. Over time, we learn to pick out those who are trustworthy. That is our ultimate end.



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Trust: The Foundation

On my BDSM social site, a conversation recently occurred which dealt with trust. The writer basically was making the case that she did not trust her Master because she had caught him in a number of lies. Of course, this leads one to a crossroads: what to do? It is something that is never easy but requires a decision. Today, I will express my thoughts about this highly important matter.

The Foundation

I will state that trust is at the foundation of every single relationship. Without it, there can be no success interaction between two people. When one does not trust another, he or she is continually on guard. It is a natural defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves. Whenever we find ourselves dealing with this type of situation, we experience tension. It is not a pleasant place to be.

Before going any further, I will state that each of us had an interaction where our trust was broken. Perhaps it wasnt in a romantic type relationship. Nevertheless, we all know the pain that goes along with the uncertainty of not knowing what another will do.

Do not take the statement that 'trust is the foundation of every relationship' lightly. Let us use the employer-employee interaction as an example. An employer trusts in an employee that he or she will show up for work when scheduled. This is the starting point. Also, that same person is entrusted to complete certain tasks that go along with the job. The company is willing to exchange compensation for this activity.

Of course, we see relationships damaged when that trust is broken. What happens once the person misses work a few timed without valid reasons? Suddenly, the employer starts to questions the capability of this person. Instantly, the trust starts to diminish. Of course, it can be eliminated in an instant by really falling short on a particular assignment.

The reverse is also true. An employee trusts that when he or she shows up for work, the doors will be unlocked. At the same time, in exchange for the time put in, the employee trusts that the paycheck will be given at the end of the week (or every other week). Again, we see how fragile this trust is. What happens when the company comes back one week and says the checks wont be available for another week? Trust is instantly destroyed. I have known people who worked for organizations that told them not to cash their paycheck for 3 or 4 days...it wasnt a pleasant experience for them I can assure you.

So, as you can see, trust is at the core of all our interactions with other people.

Trust And BDSM

Trust takes on a deeper meaning when we shift to our primary relationship. Naturally, the depth that this type of interaction goes requires a great deal more than some of the secondary relationships we have in life. Having the full trust in and of our husband or wife is crucial for a successful marriage. Over time, people travel to depths where they trust in others of this sort completely. BDSM is no different in this regard.

However, I will state that I believe having trust in another is even more important than in the traditional 'romantic' relationship. That does not mean I am diminishing it in this forum. My point is that a BDSM relationship has a couple of characteristics that heighten the need for trust even more.

One of the differentiators of this type of relationship is the exchange of power. Whenever anyone enters into this arrangement, especially on the submissive side, he or she is entrusting the other person with a great deal more than the average relationship. Safety is the first thing that comes to my mind. A submissive needs to trust that he or she will be protected by the dominant one. Having this trust is necessary since there are many times where he or she is in a physically vulnerable state. One only needs to look at the results of scenes gone awry to understand how important trust in the right person is.

There is also the component that one is ceding power in a TPE relationship. When doing so, one is trusting the other person is able (and willing) to guide the relationship in the proper direction. Being the dominant one in a BDSM scenario entails a great deal of responsibility. Is this person worthy of this responsibility? If so, one is more apt to trust him or her. Of course, if that person is up to the task, trust flees like a deer in the night.

One final thought: the fact that trust is at the core of all relationship exemplifies to me the need for time to interact before making any commitments. I see people, especially online, submitting to another after one or two conversations. To me, that is absolutely ridiculous. How can anyone entrust in another without even knowing the person? The truth is he or she cannot. No matter what the lifestyle, there is no eclipsing some of the basic tenets of human relationships. Those who try ultimately meet with disappointment. Take the time to develop the trust between you and anyone you are considering. It will do more to enhance your chance of success than anything else.

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The Submission Process

I am going to clear up a common mindset fallacy that seem prevalent among newer people to this lifestyle. It is one that really can cause havoc whenever one enters into a BDSM relationship. Reading this might help you alleviate some problems.

Submission

Submission is a common part of the lifestyle. For a BDSM relationship to exist, one must submit to another. There can be no relationship without this occurring. However, this is not a one time deal.

Submission is something that is on-going. Instead of a one-time event, it is best to think of it as a process. This is an act that you will go through repeatedly.

The first submission is what most refer to. It is the time when one first decides that he or she is going 'to submit' to a Dom/Master. What this means in layman's terms is that a relationship is consummated. One interacts with another of dominant persuasion and there is some type of connection there. How long this takes varies but those who seek successful relationships will base their decisions on a number of different factors of compatibility. Of course, we are presuming these individuals are seeking some type of long-term relationship with each other as opposed to a flop-in-the-hay. Nevertheless, a decision is made to 'submit' to another.

Trust

This is component that all successful relationships require. Without trust, there is very little to build a relationship upon. Over time, couples find that the level of trust grows. A lot of this is a result of gaining familiarity and having common experiences with each other. Gaining the trust of another can only occur over time. It is something that is earned based upon one's actions. In the early stages of relationships we tend to give it freely. However, the level must grow or it will be removed.

Interaction helps to breed trust. That is why I am taken aback when I encounter people online who claim to 'trust my Master completely' after only knowing him for a few weeks. To me, this seems like an impossibility. Trust is bound by the same laws as within every other relationship. A power exchange scenario does not change this fact. Trust takes time.

What, then, happens when trust grows? Within the boundaries of of a BDSM relationship that means that one is willing to submit more. For example, in an M/s relationship, a slave is submitting her life over to a Master. She is trusting that he will take care of all that she needs. In return, she is providing him with all obedience and service that she is able muster. Both parties are agreeing to fulfill certain roles within the relationship. Her submission is 'complete' at this time.

But is it? Can one truly give of oneself without total trust? I do not believe it is possible. That is why submission to a Dom/Master is not a one time event. It is a process that is repeated regularly as trust grows. Every level of interaction creates a scenario where the trust between each increases. As this occurs, she is in a position to submit more and more of her life over. Even though she stated that is what she was doing at the initially, reality is that this process also takes time. True submission cannot occur without total trust.

Remember this the next time one asks you if you are ready to submit to him. Understand that it is not a one time process and that he will have to earn your trust if the relationship is ever to go deeper. For your submission to be complete and for him to have total control over you life, the level of trust between the two of you must be enormous. And that only occurs after interacting with each other over a long period of time.

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Trust: Needed For Control

New people often miss this fundamental point. For one to properly control and dominate another, there needs to be trust established. This means, that as a Dom/Master, you better be trustworthy.

How much do you concentrate your efforts on being a trustworthy person? This obviously transcends the BDSM world. However, as one who is proclaiming to be dominant, what do you have to offer that a sub/slave can latch onto? Few every consider this when pounding their chest in an effort to exemplify their merits. Of course, experienced people know this is all a load of garbage. Yet, it must work since so many people repeat the same behavior.

Master Seeks Slave For 24/7 Relationship

Have you ever seen this advertisement? If you visit any number of online BDSM sites, you will see this all over the place. It seems that most think that this is enough to get people to drop to their knees in front of you. Again, since it is so prevalent, I know it does find success. This shows how naive many are who will throw themselves at anyone.

This post will seem like I am bashing the online community (which I am apt to do). However, that is not my intention since I see much of this same behavior in real life situations. Many munches are nothing more than glorified chatrooms with the same idiotic behavior taking place. At some point, you would think that people want to be shown what is being offered. Hell, we don't buy a car without knowing the MPG, lease payment, and insurance costs. Yet, people will offer themselves up to any meathead who claims to be a Dom (Master).

My efforts here are to open your eyes up to another way to approach this lifestyle. Instead of the bonehead ad listed above, let us focus our attention on offering people something. Everything is sales and we are now confronted with the prospect of separating ourselves from the rest of the crowd. Fortunately, I can assure you that it is not that difficult.

What Do You Know?

People trust people who are knowledgeable. This applies to every area of life. We do not want to buy a product from someone who has no idea how his or her product works. Nor are we likely to want an A/C repair person who can't operate a thermostat. Doctors spend years in school gaining the knowledge necessary to perform complex operations. Everywhere you turn, people are seeking those who have knowledge to share.

So, why do you think it is any different in this way of life? Lucky for you, I have an answer for that. Society, in its infinite wisdom, teaches us about all kinds of different topics. Our educational system is designed to produce well rounded citizens. Sadly, the one area that is always overlooked is how to be successful in relationships. The vanilla world presumes that people know how to get along. Judging by the divorce rates in the advanced countries, perhaps it is time for someone to look at that concept. It seems most are inadequately prepared for what awaits them.

This is our training ground. Everyone who enters the BDSM world does so after taking a stab at things in the vanilla world. Society's ethos is in full operation. Therefore, when we are hiring an employee, it is common to ask his or her experience. However, we never ask a potential mate what his/her record is with relationships and how much knowledge that person has which will help make this one successful. Instead, it is one giant crapshoot that ultimately ends up with the attorneys splitting the bulk of the assets.

The truth is, as inadequately prepared as people are in the traditional world, they are even less so for this way of life. There is nothing that one experiences growing up that will convert to life as a Master or slave. It is something that is far removed from most people's natural experiences. Therefore, we need to look at what knowledge is required before advancing forward.

A Natural Tendency Is Not Enough

Many falsely believe simply because he or she is naturally dominate/submissive, then that is qualification to pursue this way of life. I cannot tell you the number of people I encounter who state that they always knew they were a Master or slave. Really? When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I find it interesting that there were children dreaming of being involved in BDSM when they get older. Of course, this is hogwash. People can be naturally dominant or submissive, yet that is not enough for success in this way of life.

One needs to take the time to study the ins and outs of this way of life. Those with experience tend to share their knowledge with others. That is the point of all my writings. I want to convey the knowledge that I gained over the last 10+ years to those who are considering going down this path. All the "secrets" are revealed if you will just read.

And that is your starting point. If you are new, read as much as you can about this particular lifestyle. Type "BDSM" into your search engine and read away. Go 30, 40, 50 pages deep to find blogs where people share experience (it will take you that long to get past the pictures). These places are where you find accounts of actual life situations that people face within this lifestyle. You will garner knowledge about the various aspects of BDSM and then can begin to determine where you fit. For example, the traits of being a sub compared to that of a slave are vastly different. The same is true for a Dom and Master. Consider the differences before proclaiming to be something that you are not.

Writing

Once you gain a bit of knowledge, it is time to show everyone how smart you are. This is not a lifestyle where we are shy. We share all the kernals of knowledge we gain with whomever will listen. This is accomplished by writing.

I set up the An Owned Life Social site with the intention of having a place for people to interact with other in the lifestyle. All are welcomed and are encouraged to express themselves. People with every conceivable background shows up to sites like these. By sharing the knowledge you gained, you begin to stand out as someone who knows a little bit about this way of life. In short order, you will be able to write a much better ad than the one above.

Why do we go to this length? One Word:

TRUST

This is what makes it all tick. You have no hope of attracting anyone who is real and getting them to submit unless they trust you. Trust is something that is important in every relationship. However, since a sub or slave is placed in such a vulnerable position, the need for this quality is magnified. We do everything in our power to gain the trust of another. If we can do that, we lay the foundation for a successful BDSM relationship.

A BDSM relationship is all about control. One person has it because it is given by the other one. I can attest to the fact this will not occur unless there is trust between the two individuals. Again, I am overlooking the online games where one submits to another within 15 minutes of meeting him or her in a chatroom. It is impossible to gain trust in that period of time. That is why most online relationships are just antics. There is nothing substantial to them. Real world is a little different.

To truly have control, one needs to trust you with his or her life. This sounds dramatic until you realize the fact that some of our fetishes played out in scenes can lead to death or disfigurement. One will not safely put him or herself in your hands unless the trust exists. This is something that all dominant figures need to work on. Being capable in the many different aspects of this lifestyle will allow that person to cede control over. Without it, the relationship is dead.

It Takes Time

My present slave is with me almost a year in person. Before that, we spent about a year online interacting. She moved here from another country to be with me. This is not something she would have done without trusting me. However, that does not mean that the trust didnt grow since arriving. As time passes, her trust for me grows as we go through different situations. This is a natural process in most relationships. Nevertheless, people in this way of life seem to overlook it.

Avoid the desire to run out and be a Master overnight. It is not possible. The BDSM world is full of many nuances that take years to uncover let alone perfect. Those who state their "Masterhood" simply by putting a capital M on Master prove themselves to be phonies in short order. These are the people who are unwilling to invest the time in learning what this lifestyle is all about. To them, it is a game. Those of us who live this have a different outlook. To us, it is not a game. We have respect for this way of life and the people involved with it. For this reason, we aspire to elevate ourselves for everyone's benefit. Growth is a fundamental part of our progression.

Thus, if you want to earn the right to control another, make sure you have something to offer him or her. Experienced subs/slaves know all the online cons. You will never attract anyone decent as long as you play the same games as everyone else. Earn their trust by improving your knowledge and abilities. It is only than that you will have garnered the right (and ability) to control that person.

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Trust In A Sub/Slave

I often see people referring to the importance of trust and how it is crucial that a Dom/Master earn that before one submits. This is something that I obviously agree with. People who blindly throw their trust around are, at best, foolish and, at worst, putting themselves in a dangerous situation. Since the trust aspect of a Dom/Master is well chronicled, I will not delve into it here.

The topic that I do want to comment upon is the trust that a sub/slave needs to earn from the Dom/Master. This is a subject rarely broached online yet seems to be of utmost importance. For whatever reason, since the online world promotes submission as a "gift", it believes that a sub/slave's perspective is what matter. This is something that I disagree with. The reality of the situation is not exactly what it seems.

To start, there appears to be few "Masters" out there. While the chatrooms are full of people claiming to be them, this is not the case. Few have ever ventured into real time. From my perspective, there seems to be a lot more submissive types than dominant. The numbers in the rooms also reflects this. Thus, online is overrun with "slavies" while being bare on "Masters".

Another issue that I have uncovered is the fact that so few truly have what it takes to live this lifestyle. Trust is an important factor that must be earned. This takes time. It is also a fragile commodity which can be broken rather quickly. Just look at Tiger Woods and his relationship to understand how hard it is to maintain that balance. He torched that bridge with little prospect of rebuilding. The same is true in our way of life.

I find that trust is lost each time I am disobeyed. A true slave will do everything in her power to fulfill my requests. There are times when certain actions cannot be taken for various reasons. When this is legitimate, trust is maintained. However, when manipulation, laziness, defiance, or anything else of that nature enters, the trust level is send sinking.

Many seem to think that one having the desire to submit is all that is required and that a Dom/Master should be in nirvana that she chose him. To me, this is only the starting point. Every aspect of BDSM centers around a relationship of some type. M/s (D/s) are no exception. Many of the same relationship building traits exist. Trust is a long-term endeavor.

So, is a sub/slave worthy of your trust? This is the million dollar question. Will she obey and complete the directives given to her? Is she one who will spend the proper time in reflection and learning to ensure her growth over the long-term? Does this lifestyle appeal to her because she wants to shed responsibility onto someone else because she cannot handle life? And, is she one who really understands what submission is about and that this life has very little to do with sex? Those who buy into the online fallacies are apt to struggle. This will also create major trust issues in your relationship.

Anyone who is seeking a Dom/Master needs to look at his or her ability to earn trust. Believe me when I tell you that someone who is real is seeking a person he or she can have that faith in. Obviously, a submissive needs to be sure the potential Dom or Master is real. But after that, you will see that person is looking for signs that you are worthy. It is a two way street and in true BDSM, the power resides with the other person. Keep this in mind as you are out that interacting with others.

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Trust

In reading online conversations, chats, blogs, etc, I see a great deal written about the need for a sub/slave to trust the one that she chooses to submit to. This is worthwhile exercise and a basis for a successful BDSM relationship. I am a believer that there will be no long term success without this crucial component at the core. However, this is a two way street, a fact often overlooked by most.

Obviously, anyone who is looking at submitting needs to be aware of the qualifications of the person he or she is submitting to. Many will claim to be Masters while only having read a few online blogs. Suddenly, they feel that capitalizing the first letter of their name makes them experienced. This occurs on a daily basis and one needs to be careful.

The reverse is also true. Anyone who is looking to receive the submission of another needs to be sure he can trust her. There are as many fake slaves as there are Masters. Many get online while being attracted to the idea of having someone taking care of them. This is a wonderful experience when the relationship exists in the virtual realm. However, when it moves to real time, problems are encountered. It seems the willingness to please sometimes disappears.

I find many truly are not committed to this lifestyle. To me, being respectful to the way of life some choose to live is imperative. There are many actions which are not only a "slap in the face of the Dom/Master" but also to the lifestyle itself. This is unacceptable to me. When a sub/slave makes that choice, serious consideration needs to be given to whether she is "worthy" of being owned. The truth is that the majority cannot handle the extreme nature of this way of life. We must be sure someone is willing to adhere to the premise that is set down.

The foundation of BDSM is the exchange of power. When one opts for the more extreme facets, i.e. M/s, the power breakdown is absolute. All decisions reside with the Master. This is something that all agree to when submitting yet want to test when things are not going her way. Here is where we see the real time problems exist.

To me, this is a way of life that I take seriously. Those who enter it with the idea of "testing the waters" need to look at what they are doing. This is something that one cannot just dive into without certainty that it is how she wants to live. Those who feel they can just change their mind on a whim do not understand the basic premise of BDSM. They are better off remaining in the traditional world.

Trust is something that takes time to develop. However, it can be destroyed very quickly. Those who break trust by going counter to the foundation of BDSM are risking ending up left out. There are many in this lifestyle who will leave a relationship once that trust is tarnished. Those who feel they can atone for this action often are surprised to learn that they cannot. Sometimes trust is destroyed so badly that it cannot be rebuilt.

Naturally, each situation is different. Nevertheless, one needs to be aware that many do not take this lifestyle lightly. We are just as committed to it as most are to marriage. This is how we choose to live and anyone who treats this as a game is insulting us. Therefore, I suggest watching how you interact with those who are already enjoying this way of life.

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