Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Embracing Reality

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What Is BDSM?

This post is going to hopefully clear up many of the major misconceptions that exist out there about the BDSM lifestyle. To start, I want to state that the ideas I am going to mention pertain to the relationship aspect. Those who are interested in implementing BDSM play into their bedroom activities, while still BDSM, will not relate to this. Only those involved or seeking a connection with another will identify with the principles.

The BDSM Relationship

I often ask people what is the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship". It is interesting, although not surprising, to hear people state BDSM. Sadly, this is completely false. The most important idea to remember is that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

Many seem to think they entered the twilight zone when they involve themselves in BDSM. That leads to a host of irrational behaviors which often result in harm. The truth is that one needs to approach this life with the same skills utilized in all other interactions. Ultimately, BDSM is about the relationship with another person.

When one analyzes a BDSM relationship, you come to understand how it is the same, and how it differs. To simplify things, the main difference between the BDSM relationship and a traditional one is the breakdown of power. Many are involved in what is termed 'total power exchange'. What this means is that the power split is unequal. One person has 100% of the power while the other has 0%. Contrast this with most relationships which are 50/50 or, perhaps, skewed one way or another because of personalities. Other than that, most of the same skills for success are required.

Many ask how does one separate the BDSM life from the 'outside' life? There is no need to 'separate' the two. Life is life. One does not leave one to enter into another. Again, this isnt the twilight zone. There is no mystery. Your life is exactly what it is. Certainly, we behave differently depending upon the surroundings. But, isnt that true in the traditional world? We act one way in front of our boss while behaving differently with our buddies on a Friday night while drinking beers. Along the same lines, one involved in a BDSM relationship will behave accordingly in both private and public. However, the momentary external circumstances do not change the relationship.

What Is One?

People are either dominant or submissive (or switches). That is what they are. However, one needs to look at what makes this so. Is a person dominant, for example, because he or she acts in a particular manner? Or is someone submissive because they do those things that are associated with a submissive person? I will answer this with a question: is a person female because she dresses, acts, and exhibits the ways of a female?

The answer to all of these is 'no'. Domination or submissiveness is what one is. It is something that comes from inside the person. It matters little how one is behaving in the particular moment. Dress up a female in male clothing and she is still a female. That does not change about her. The same is true within our lifestyle. Just because a sub is 'acting' dominant, in a job let's say, that doesn't change who she is. Her submissiveness is remains.

What does all this mean? In my experience, I concluded that people who enter this life focus upon the action and behavior. People want to know about what one does as a dominant (or submissive). This is the wrong approach. Again, the actions do not determine what one is. It is what is inside that makes this decision. Thus, instead of focusing upon the action, one needs to look within for the answers. To me, the most important aspect of this is the mindset one has. Out of this the actions will follow. However, it all starts with the inner search of what is there and conditioning the mind to follow suit.

What Is BDSM?

So, what is BDSM? Let me start by stating what it is not. Contrary to the images presented online, BDSM is not all about sex. You will not find yourself tossed into an episode of Public Disgrace on a daily basis. Nor it is about 'round-the-clock' beatings. It is doubtful your new Dom/Master has a dungeon set up where you will live. While sex and whippings are a part of the life we lead, it is not the primary focus.

Another thing that this is not is a fairy tale. Many like to romanticize it while placing it on a level of a kinky Cinderella. There are no glass slippers in this one. Many seem to think that a series of science fiction novels written in the 70s depict what this life is like. Few live something even remotely identifiable with these works. Again, this is mental imagery presented in the online community that does not transcend to real time.

BDSM is an inner search that is turned outward to fulfill a desire the dwells deep within a person. One might call it a connection to spirit. Whatever the terminology, the basic idea is living true to oneself. Getting involved in a BDSM relationship entails one living according to certain principles while interacting with another person. Each person fulfills a void for the other person. This connection is what present the opportunity for both people to grow. It is through this interaction that we learn more about ourselves.

Trust is a quality that many people have difficulty with. The BDSM relationship necessitates trust at the deepest of levels. Many of the activities we engage in are wrought with danger. A submissive, especially, needs to trust in the person that he or she is giving control to. Vulnerability is present even at the physical level; something that most in the traditional world do not face. It is almost unheard of that a person was accidentally killed in a normal relationship. However, scenes go wrong in the BDSM world can often lead to death. A greater level of trust is required knowing this danger exists.

When one submits, he or she gives all of him/herself over to another. At the same time, the dominant is accepting complete control and, thus, responsibility for the direction of that person's life. Neither should undergo this process lightly. This goes far beyond just wanting to be taken sexually. When two people merge in this way, they each are presenting all they have to the other person. This is a process that takes a great deal of time. BDSM is going through the intense effort to learn about oneself fully and entering into a relationship that satisfies the inner needs. It is determining where one fits on the power exchange scale to match what is within him or her. Once this conclusion is reached, it filters into all areas of one's life. BDSM is a life path that allows one to be what he or she truly is.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Other Focused

The mindset of a slave is so important. It is probably the most crucial aspect that separates one who is able to live in a M/s relationship versus those who cannot. Many enter the life believing that they can life in a TPE situation only to realize that it is not as easy as they anticipate.

Societal Beliefs

Society promotes the idea of personal power and self-centered focus. We have encountered the 'me' generation. Society is a group of people looking after their own self interest while not concerning themselves with the plight of others. The mind is trained to think of oneself first.

We see this mindset taken to the point that people do not even concern themselves with the lives of their own children. It is not uncommon for children to be left unattended while the parents does drugs or has sex. Periodically, we witness the tragic results of this outlook. Look out for number 1. It is deeply rooted in us.

Where does this leave a slave? In my opinion, to be successful as a slave, one must adopt a mindset that is exactly opposite what society teaches. Anyone who follows the dogma laid out by our culture surely will fail as a slave. Societal beliefs fundamentally oppose the idea of a TPE relationship.

Other Focused

A slave needs to default to the mindset of being 'other focused'. This entails considering someone else before oneself. Many will state how easy this is but it is not. Anyone who ever tried it knows it goes against every fiber of our cultured being. Service in general is looked down upon by the masses. We arrogantly believe that we are better than those who are paid to wait on us. This is just another built-in prejudice that one needs to overcome if he/she is going to succeed as a slave.

Putting the needs of another before oneself can be learned. I have witnessed many who embrace this outlook over time. While it is impossible to be 100% effective in this, there are many who ultimately live this way most of the time. Always considering the needs and desires of the Master is what should direct the life of a slave. Daily work at adopting this mindset is crucial.

One thing that every dominant person should include in his/her training is the idea of ego deflation. There are many ways to accomplish this task and a variety of methods is the best approach. Over the years, I have removed the name that a slave identifies with her traditional role. This is something that we are given at birth which has a great deal of our identity wrapped in it. Have a slave called something else is helpful is having her identify with the new 'her' (him). Another method is to make him/her do things that are way out of the ordinary. For example, most humans are accustomed to using the toilet. If a Master removes this from the regular routine, instead requiring elimination outside the house, we once again see the identity of the ego deflated. One will begin to see that he or she is not there for oneself but for the satisfaction of the Master.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Financial Domination

This is a subject that is certain to ruffle a few feathers. Well, to state more accurately, my writing about this subject will cause the upheaval. It is one that I am adamant about and will not withhold punches. This is one of those topics which leaves very little room for latitude. Many will accuse me of taking the 'it is my way or the highway approach'. That is fine. The truth is I witness the games played in this arena and see so many taken for a ride. Experience this a few times and you will, no doubt, reach the same end.

Financial Domination

"Property cannot own property"

I make this statement on a regular basis. To me, it is part of the fundamental core that is our lifestyle. Anyone who is opting for a TPE style relationship is entering into something that is pretty absolute. There are many who proclaim themselves to be able to live in this structure but I found that few truly can. It is not an easy path to choose.

That being said, anyone who wants to live as a 'slave' needs to fully comprehend what that means. When one is owned, he or she has nothing except for what is given by the Master/Mistress. At the same time, anything that person receives is also by right the property of the Master/Mistress. One is not able to own anything for him or herself. The term 'mine' (or my) is eliminated from this person's vocabulary.

In the end, one is dominated financially just like he or she is in every other aspect of life. My slave is my property thus I own all of her. All resources that she had in life became mine when she joined me on this journey. In my view, that is simply how things work in this aspect of the lifestyle.

Certainty

While many state they are slaves while lacking the makeup to actually live that way, I will state that it is minor as compared to those who claim to be dominant. There are so many who believe their domination is affirmed simply because they capitalize their name on a website. This is not domination nor does it qualify one to be dominant. True domination is the following of an internal desire that is coupled with knowledge and experience. It is garnered over time as one learns the internals workings of the mind. Domination is as much mental as it is anything else.

So, what does this all mean? Quite simply, if one (submissive) is expecting to live as a slave, he or she must be certain of the person one is interacting with. This seems like common sense but, remember, few really have any idea of the person they are chatting with. Most put up a good front. The reality of the online community is that the largest percentage of people are not involved in real time relationships. At best, they are engaged in online role playing; at worst, outright deception. This creates a precarious situation if one is seeking to be 'financially dominated'. Absolute certainty is crucial if you are going to take the next step.

Con Jobs

As you can guess, I feel that most are just putting con jobs on other people. At this point, I am going to pick on the 'Dommes' since they are the one who I think play the greatest con game. Also, I am going make some blanket statements about society that you may or may not agree with. However, there is still a biased that I can see which equates to some of this unenviable behavior.

What is a 'financial domme'? I see this advertised all over the place. What the hell is someone who is only willing to dominate in one area? To me the terms 'gold digger' is more accurate. Whenever I see this advert, I know that person is not real. This is one of the grandest con jobs in the BDSM community. And what is sad is that people enter into these relationships believing they will be dominated. The truth is that the Domme is only seeking to clean one out.

I feel for the male submissives. They have the hardest road in my opinion since there are basically the gold diggers and the Pro-Dommes for them to deal with. Few women are into the full fledged domination. That makes their path that much more difficult. We live in a male dominated society which holds the belief that men much be strong while women weak. Also, because of the career prospects, the earning power of a male exceeds that of a female in most instances. This leaves a male vulnerable to the games that are played in this regard.

How To Combat It All

This goes out to all, not just the male submissives. The best way to combat this is to truly know who you are dealing with. An online relationship is vastly different than real time. Anyone who experienced both knows the difference. The online world is suspect for the simple reason that anyone can create a persona online. You only have the words that are written on a screen to go by. Nothing else, in the online world, is verifiable. That is the primary reason why I continually state that anyone engaged online must implement the traditional methods of communication as soon as possible. These methods help to verify what was already stated.

Knowing the person you are dealing with not only entails verifying their address or state located. One must also be sure he or she is a dominant worthy of your submission. What I mean is that the person is capable of providing one with what he or she needs. A slave who only turns over his/her paycheck is living an unfulfilled life. Every slave that I met wants to be dominated completely. That is why a 'financial domme' is nothing more than a golddigger. This person is not providing anything to the slave. A relationship is a two-way street with each person giving and receiving. A person of this makeup is just taking.

To end this thought, I will state that trust takes time to build. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect a person in a new relationship to cede all over to the Master/Mistress immediately. It is only after the dominant proves his/her abilities that one will feel comfortable in doing so. The trust factor allows a relationship to travel deeper and deeper. Handing over a paycheck of monies received from a job is one thing. To turn over the proceeds from the sale of a house is an entirely different matter. In these instances, I think one needs to use common sense and realize what is at stake. Until you are certain, and in person, that you are dealing with someone real, I would be hesitant in my approach. And, please avoid anyone simply proclaiming to be a 'financial domme'.


Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

What Are You Offering?

The dating world is nothing more than a marketing contest. Everyone who enters into this arena is forced to create and present an image that he or she wants others to view. The ultimate goal is to find a 'buyer' for the wares you are offering. We advertise ourselves by filling out profiles, posting flattering pics, and engaging in stimulating and awe-inspiring conversation so as to 'wow' the other person.

Relationships Are Transactions

Few ever think of relationships in these terms especially romantic ones. Whenever love is involved with a situation, people want to elevate the status of that interaction. How many times have we heard the justification "because I love her" to substantiate otherwise insane behavior? We tolerate action from 'loved' ones that we would never accept from others. In the end, love acts as a blinding agent.

Nevertheless, a relationship is a meeting of two minds into a transaction where both parties agree to buy what the other is selling. It is a simple barter system. Each is trading what he/she has so as to get what the other is offering. This is not different from the Indians trading Manhattan Island for $16 worth of trinkets. One offers something up and the other accepts.

The factor that gets the individuals to this point is marketing. Each person consciously decides what he or she is offering. We see this in the fact that people exercise to improve the 'package' that is seen. In essence, we want to look better when 'sitting on the shelf'. Perhaps one engages in some personal development to acquire improved interactive skills to be able to converse at a higher level. And finally, financial resources are flaunted in an effort to garner the attention of another since many of us predicate decisions of this manner on this factor.

BDSM Adds Another Layer

BDSM simply adds another layer to this concept. At the core, we are dealing with a relationship, thus many of the same concepts just mentioned apply. However, we also need to consider what we are offering to others when we start on this path. I see so many who want to approach this life in a manner that is contrary to this point.

I often tell people to question one about the experience he or she has with this lifestyle. The reasons for this are many. One simply benefit of this practice is that one who is experienced will be able to offer more than someone who is new. The presumption is that person learned something while in the lifestyle and his/her skills will be greater. This person statistically will have more to offer in a relationship at the beginning that someone who is newer. Of course, this is not to say that someone should not get involved with a new person. The point is that there is no substitution for experience.

Adding to that thought, an important dynamic to consider is the skill level of the person you are dealing with (and yourself). What is this person offering and vice versa? Does he/she have the ability to serve as a Master/Mistress? Are the makings of a slave there or is this a person who might be playing games? These are all questions one needs to consider.

Another area to ponder is in the area of accessories. Does this person have an assortment of 'toys' that will be used on a regular basis? Did he/she build a dungeon in the garage? If so, this is a person who will standout from the average person and, I would think, increase his/her level of attractiveness to someone who really likes pain. Also, does the person have the knowledge of how to safely use the accessories on another?

Relationships: A Two-Way Street

All this encompasses the idea of knowing what one is offering. Contrary to what many wannabes believe, a BDSM relationship is a two-way street. I see so many, especially newer dominants, who only consider what they are getting. They do not take the time to consider what they are providing the other person. The 'privilege of serving me' is not something that I believe will hold another person's attention for too long. In fact, I have yet to meet a person who is so great that others should be happy just in the fact that this Dom/Master is gracing him/her with the pleasuring of serving. Even submissive types need to know they are receiving something from a relationship or else they will not serve too long.

The other day I wrote about a dominate person having his or her house in order before trying to take control of another person's life. This is common sense to me but one that many overlook. How can someone who is jobless, homeless, moneyless, and riding the city bus expect to properly lead someone else? I would say that this person might want to develop his/her own skills before involving with another person.

Consider this when you are interacting with another. What is this person truly offering? And, resist the temptation to degrade what you are worthy of. Even if you are submissive, that does not mean you are not worth having someone who has the best to offer. Of course, your level of success will probably be in proportion to what you are offering. Thus, the place to start your search is in developing your own skillset. The more you have to offer, the wider your options. This is true in all aspects of life. BDSM is no different.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

What Do You Want?

This is a simple question. But, how many actually take the time to decide the answer to this? Judging by the average person walking the streets, I would say that very few. Most people drift through life without firmly deciding exactly what is wanted. Sure, one has some dreams, wants, and desires. However, those are usually cast aside in the name of being 'responsible'. In the end most are nothing more than drifters.

Clarity

The mind is a powerful mechanism that can achieve great things when unleashed. However, before that can occur, clarity is required. Our minds operate so much better when we know where we are trying to get to. Creativity and imagination are just two of the components that help us solve problems and achieve the ends that we are seeking. Of course, I need to emphasize again that one needs to know what is sought.

While this is another example of a life overview philosophy, this concept applies to the BDSM lifestyle. Few enter this life with a definitive purpose of what he or she is after. This is natural since so much about this genre is so different from the mainstream. There is a learning curve that exists before one is truly able to decide where he or she 'fits'. I believe one can spend months just researching all the different facets of the live; just learning what exists out there. My belief is that it is always best to take some time getting acclimated with it all.

I cannot tell you how many people I met who came into this life stating that he or she is a 'slave'. While there are many who know the truth immediately, I found that most are surprised at the extreme nature of that particular aspect of the lifestyle. They felt that simply because they were submissive meant that they were suited for a 24/7 tpe relationship. Sadly, after further research which usually entailed getting emotionally involved with another person, the facts were learned. A great deal of pain could have been avoided if the person would have taken the time to research. Alas, the internet age moves at warp speed and one needs to be 'owned' within a week.

Internal Search

The most important search is the search within oneself. Every aspect of this life is available to anyone who seeks it. However, I will say that not all aspects will hold appeal to everyone. There are certain fetishes or genres that hold absolutely no interest for me. While they provide enjoyment for others, they simply do nothing for me. Now, how do I know that? Because I engaged in the exercise of seeking my true wishes and desires within me.

Delving within is never an easy process. Yet, it is one of the most yielding activities one can take. Few ever sit down and do this exercise before entering into a new situation. I often wonder how different most people's approach would be if they did this when entering the BDSM world. You would be surprised how rare it is to see someone come onto a BDSM community website and state that he or she is there to learn. I would say less than 5% of the new people ever make this point. Instead, they conclude they are looking for a slave or Master right off the bat.

My suggestion is to step back and look within. What do you want? This is something only you can answer. Research the different avenues within the BDSM community that there are to pursue. This will assist in your clarity by either disregarding or implementing what you uncover. It is an exercise which can add major dividends to you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Role Playing versus Living

The BDSM community is a wide spectrum. It includes people from all walks of life who have varying interests. People enter into the arena with a plethora of experiences which do not match up. In the end, it is the diversity which makes it such a wonderful life.

Role Playing

Role playing is a firm part of this lifestyle. Many engage in it as a method of enhancing their enjoyment. The most common is in the sexual arena where people liven up their 'bedroom antics' with a bit of D/s role play. Taking the part of dominant or submissive adds a layer of pleasure which many do not experience in vanilla relationships. Light bondage, spanking, and blindfolds are often part of the practices these people engage in. While many will proclaim that this is not bdsm, I feel that it is. Certainly our life is wide enough to include people who are into light play.

Another form of role playing is within the setup of an existing relationship. Many will create scenes to enhance the pleasure with a partner. Leather outfits, whips, rope, and chains can all be used to simulate a dungeon scene. This is a way that some opt to stress the difference in power. It is not unheard of for people to switch during a scene with each person being both dominant and submissive. Since they are filling roles, the reversal is rather easy for these types. It is one area where a 'lifestyler' will differ from the role players.

As mentioned, I feel that all of these desires fall under the heading of 'BDSM'. Anyone who engages in any type of power exchange utilizing the accessories that we do is participating in BDSM.

The Lifestyle

Then there are those who 'live this lifestyle'. Before going any further, I will state that this is a bit misleading to a newer person. There are few who actually live this as a true lifestyle meaning that this is their primary involvement. Some will be involved in BDSM relationships while earning their living by performing so type of BDSM act. Professionally Dommes come to mind as a group who makes their living off BDSM.

However, these people are the minority. Most of us lead lives similar to most other people. We work regular jobs earning wages to sustain our families. The problems and difficulties that people in the vanilla world face are also common amongst us. We suffer at times physically, financially, emotionally, and with family. None of us are immune to being human. We experience many of the same things that others do.

So, what is the difference. To me, it comes in the mindset. One who 'lives the BDSM lifestyle' carries the mindset of power exchange 24/7. Even if someone is not in a relationship presently, he or she knows exactly what is being sought. For example, a dominant knows that he or she is such. It is not something that is wavered upon. Ultimately, this person is acting in accordance to a deep-seeded desire. The same is true for those who are submissive. They are following a path that comes from within.

This is a sharp contrast compared to those who role play. These individuals can exit the BDSM life once they leave the scene. When their antics are over, they return to 'normal life'. The lifestyle person does not. He or she carries that mindset in every situation. A slave is still owned even if she is at work and under the concern of another 'manager'. She does not change simply because the situation does. Equality is not sought in any area of her life. The role player returns to equality. And that is the difference.

Room For All

The BDSM life is large enough for all to be a part of. While I will take exception to some on terminology (labels) used in particular situations, I will never say that anyone needs to leave the BDSM community. I understand it is a varied spectrum. Some prefer the lighter side of things while others are seeking the extreme. Personal desires are meant to be fulfilled whatever those desires are. It is not up to anyone else to determine that for an individual. If one (or a couple) wants to simply liven things up by engaging in some light BDSM, have at it. We should be glad to have these people. Variety is what makes the world go round.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Run The Other Way

I am going concentrate on the Dominant side of a D/s relationship in this post. My reason for writing this is simple: I see so many who profess to be dominant and in search of one to control yet such failures in their lives.

A Dominant One Needs To Have Something To Offer

This is a point that is overlooked by many. A D/s relationship is a two-way street. The submissive brings a lot to the table in terms of the service offered through the submission process. In turn, the dominant one compliments the submissive by controlling and dominating his/her life.

Nevertheless, to truly be effective the dominant needs to offer stability. I found that a sub's life is full of chaos. For whatever reason, on their own, submissive types tend to do poorly. I can only presume the need for guidance is greater in these individuals. Thus, when entering a D/s relationship, there usually is some wreckage that needs cleaning up. Perhaps this is just a sign of the times and people's ability to deal with life situations. Nevertheless, individuals of this sort often need help.

Cant Give What One Doesnt Have

This is a simple concept that also seems to elude people. One cannot provide that to another what he or she does not have. Before one can fulfill a particular role in a person's life, he or she must already posses those qualities/characteristics. In short, a dominant one needs to have his/her act together.

I see so many who are total messes trying to dominate another. What makes one submit to a person who is so obviously lacking in life skills? Hopefully this post will help some to resist the temptation to submit to a person of this nature and run the other way. No good can ever come out of the a situation like this.

To be an effective Dom/Dome, one must be able to provide support for the submissive person. Support means different things to each person. But, in general, a Dom/Domme is responsible for mental, emotional, financial, and psychological support to one who submits. Is the person you are dealing with capable of offering these things to you.

Look At The Rest of His/Her Life

I am always amazed at one who claims to be dominant yet that is nowhere to be found anywhere in that person's life. Thus, to determine how well suited one is for a life of control and domination you must look at the rest of his/her life. If you do not see the domination and success exemplified in other areas of life, then there is a great chance you are dealing with a person not suited to be your Dom/Domme.

Many intend on having their sub/slave provide financial means to the relationship. While this is often a necessity in this era of dual income requirements, there are times when one cannot provide in this manner to the relationship. In those times, it is up to the dominant one to step in and provide for the relationship. An example of this was when my slave first came to me. Because of a paperwork issue, she wasnt able to work for 8 months. Over that time, she had to serve me in a different capacity. I was the one who stepped and provided for her.

The same holds true for emotional support. There are many times when submissives need the strength of the dominant one. Life situations develop that can overwhelm a person. A dominant one might need to stand in and provide emotional strength in a time of need.

Which brings me back to the original premise: is the person in question able to provide for one in this manner? If he or she shows a complete lack of ability in other areas of life, it is a sure bet that the same thing will happen in this relationship also. A person does not suddenly develop the ability to handle situations where he or she previously lacked the ability. This is common sense.

A BDSM relationship is a relationship where both parties need to contribute.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Total Power Exchange

I often write about this topic in a round about way but today I thought I would really delve into this fundamental practice of the BDSM world.

Much of what we do in our daily lives reflects that of a traditional relationship. Life is still life regardless of what particular lifestyle one opts for. Everyday situations need to be handled and responsibilities fulfilled. Many approach BDSM with the belief that it is a way that will fix all the outer problems. This is not true.

Promote Inequality

The most basic tenet of BDSM is that we promote inequality. "All men are created equal" is a mantra for others to preach. In our way of life, people opt to be subservient to others. It is a conscious choice to serve. The ones who choose this path are not seeking to be equal. Instead, they are craving a life where one is in control and directive of all actions. They are seeking a fulfillment that is different from the average. A service mindset is at the core of who these people are.

At the same time, there are ones who crave being in control. For the true dominants, this is not something that comes from a place of weakness. Unlike the "control-freaks" we encounter in the traditional world, a true dominant understands the responsibility that accompanies accepting the submission of another. It is not something that is undertaken lightly.

Therefore, the very essence of a BDSM relationship is inequality. Both parties fulfill a particular role for the other. There is no pretense that both parties are acting in accordance with each other. The dominant is the one who is in charge of leading the relationship. It is the submissive who is fulfills the relationship by obeying the directives of the one in charge. He guides, she follows. Inequality at its finest.

Total Power Exchange

Taking this idea one step further, there is a concept in this lifestyle called "total power exchange" (the term "absolute" is often substituted for "total"). This move the power exchange to the extreme. The power breakdown under this circumstance is 100%-0%. All power lies in the hands of one. The other is meant to obey and follow. Again, this is a consensual choice that each party makes. However, both have responsibilities.

Many take exception to the idea of a total power exchange. They believe that a slave will retain some authority no matter how dedicated she is. Debates often arise in those instances where one works or has duties of tending to children. How can one be completely in the control of another when she has managerial tasks at work or is in charge of disciplining the kids?

I answer this question simply with the notion that it is his will for a slave to do these things. If it was not, she would not be doing them. Take the job as an example. My slave works outside the house. She is responsible for getting to work on time, performing the tasks set out by the company, and earning monies which are turned over to me. Her position is with my consent. This was something approved by me before she applied for the job. If I decide that she is not to work, then she would quit immediately. Of course, I must be accepting of the financial consequences of my decision.

That is an example of what it means to be under another's control. In a total power exchange, the other makes all choices for you. This is fundamental in a M/s relationship. A slave's position is to obey. The Master dictates the direction of the relationship.

Acceptance of Responsibility

One thing that few ever mention when discussing this topic is the acceptance of responsibility for all that transpires. It is easy for a dominant to blame a slave when things go wrong. This is the wrong approach. If a slave is following the directives set down upon her, then the Master is the one who takes responsibility for the outcomes. It is his decisions that her actions are based upon.

Few are up to this task. Newer people are drawn to the idea of having someone do all that he tells her to do. Usually, sexual antics are at the top of the list. Aside from this, many are not suited to take responsibility for another. In fact, they cannot take control of their own lives. This creates a quandary when one is looking to submit to another. There is nothing that is accomplished by submitting to one who is unable to run his own life. Sadly, most seem to fall into this category.

I always caution newer people to think about the responsibility side of the BDSM equation. It is not all fun and games. The online world makes it look so easy. It is not. The reality is that there are many pitfalls to a BDSM relationship. Effort, communication, and discipline are required if people are to succeed. There is a lot more to a BDSM relationship than just sex. People need to look beyond that.

In the end, is there a BDSM relationship without an exchange of power? I dont believe so. It is the one aspect that is fundamental to this way of life. Those who are seeking to maintain equality arent entering into the BDSM lifestyle. Instead, I think they are simply seeking to add some kink to their lives. This is a far cry from living a life with the exchange of power as a central theme. Total exchange of power is at our core.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Inequality

The foundation of any BDSM relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike traditional interactions, a D/s or M/s relationship is built upon the premise that power is unequally divided. This is done willingly with one person ceding power and the other accepting it. Of course, with each comes responsibility.

The Traditional Model

To state that inequality in relationships is exclusive to BDSM is misleading. Most relationships have some type of inequality built into them. This is true even for those which are supposedly 50/50 breakdown. Depending upon the situation, certain factors come into play which make equality impossible.

The first situation is one where one person is in the position of authority. A common relationship that most of us are familiar with is the employer-employee. Anyone who worked for another knows the power this person wields over you. He or she has your financial future in your hands. Obviously, anyone who has this much control is in the driver's seat. Inequality is experienced each time you are called into his or her office. While in that position, your work future is dependent upon the choices of another. Their authority over you is obvious.

Another situation is where authority isnt present but power is. This could occur because of the forcefulness or timidness of the person's involved. Have you ever seen a friendship where one person is always making the decisions. The second person is the one who always follows along while agreeing to whatever the "powerful" one dictates. Here there is an inequality based upon the personalities involved.

We can see this same thing occur within intimate relationships. Some will exercise power over the other based upon his/her personality. Many get into situations where they cannot make a decision without the permission of the other. In a subtle way (although not always subtle), the inequality of the relationship is exemplified with each request for permission.

BDSM Relationships

BDSM relationships differ in the fact that there is no pretending of equality. As you can see, equality as a methodology is not very common. Most relationships have a power breakdown that leans one way or another. Instead of 50/50, there is a 60/40 or 70/30 type of interaction. One person naturally exerts more influence over the other person.

While not pretending to strive for equality, we also recognize that the power structure in a BDSM relationship is absolute. This is especially true in the M/s world. All power lies in the hands of the Master or Mistress. Here is a situation where each party agrees a unequal balance of power. The breakdown in these circumstances is 100/0. The inequality is complete.

Why The Shock

Some are shocked to learn that people willingly submit to relationships where they have no power. I see this all the time, especially from those who were cultured to think that equality is a worthy goal to strive for. We live in a world which promotes racial and gender equality on many levels. However, these same people fail to realize that most relationships are absolute and we willing cede power over. If you doubt this, tell me the power breakdown when you are sitting in your car after being pulled over by a police officer. Most find they have little power in those circumstances. Pass over the license and registration and shut your mouth is the obvious course of action.

Thus, do not be shocked that people choose this type of relationship. As I mentioned, the major difference is in degree and the fact that we do not pretend to live for equality. It is my belief that people who seek this are not in tune with reality. There is nothing in nature that offers up the idea of equality. Why do humans seek this when we see the inequality in every relationship we have? BDSM just eliminates this foolish notion and allows us to work on our relationships within the parameters established based upon unequal control. To me, this is a bit more honest.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Determine Where You Fit In

The title of this is "decide what you want". This is an important process that few consider when entering this way of life. Too many simply read a few articles online and say that they are a dominant or submissive. However, they fail to realize there is a whole lot more to the process than this.

There Is A Wide Spectrum

If we compare the BDSM life to a football field, we see the line between dominant and submissive as the 50 yard line. Figuring out whether one is on the right or left hand side of this line is the easy part. Nevertheless, just like a football field, there is a lot of real estate between there and the end zone.

People who are into light BDSM dwell near mid-field. Those who like the more extreme aspects of the life tend to reside near the goal line. Every step of the way there are people who are located at different intervals. Each person within this life needs to realize there there is a wide spectrum to choose from. It is up to the individual to decide what he or she wants.

Decide Before Getting Involved

I often write that dedication to lifestyle precedes getting involved with another person. Many approach this life in exactly the opposite way. They believe they will learn about the life by getting a Dom or sub who will help them to decide if they like this life or not. To me, this is like getting married before determining whether one is heterosexual or not. Not exactly a sensible approach to a lifelong decision.

We all like different things. The BDSM world offers so much variety that one should look at what he or she wants. If one is dominant, that is only the start. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want to be involved in a 24/7 relationship and assume full responsibility for the relationship? Or are you one who only wants your BDSM domination to pertain to sexual matters? The reverse is true for submissive types. Deciding these factors are crucial to having a successful BDSM relationship.

I find that the thing most overlook is the thought-process of deciding what he or she offers another person. I see so many post online something to the effect "Master looking for slave in city XYZ". Big deal. What is it that you are offering this person in return for his/her submission? Are you one who is capable of managing another person's life? Do you have the emotional stability to be in a relationship of this magnitude? Many think they can operate near the goal line only to realize they belong closer to mid-field.

Another aspect of the mental process one needs to undergo is to compare you personality with choices. For example, there are many who are seeking an extreme, hardass Master or Mistress. If you are a dominant, is this conducive to your personality. Some are naturally harder than others. At the same time, there are many who want someone who is more understanding. This person will not gel with the aforementioned sub. Knowing the type of person you are will narrow down those you will want to interact with in an effort to isolate the grouping that you are desiring. Again, knowing this beforehand will assist you in this process.

Revelations After The Fact

Naturally, this is not to say that people will uncover all there is before opting to move forward with a BDSM relationship. My belief is that a major part of any relationship is growth. People who are involved with each other in this lifestyle should be consistently improving. I do not believe that a relationship that is not growing is destined to last long. People need to spread their wings while taking on new challenges. Within the life, that means experimenting and trying different things.

On aspect that immediately comes to mind is expanding the limits of a slave. A true Master (or any dominant) will seek to expand the limits of the person who is under his or her control. As one goes along this path, he or she will discover things that are liked, and disliked. Perhaps one was closed minded initially to certain fetishes which are desired after experiencing them in real time. The revelation comes from the trying.

Over time, one will see where he or she fits into this life. Some are destined to be Masters while others Doms. There are those who are created to live as slaves while others remain subs. A few tend to go to the extreme while engaging in wild fetishes that few ever embark upon. Most dabble in many different aspects periodically for the pure enjoyment it brings. Finally, many will do things that fulfills their sadistic or masochistic streaks.

Commitment

If one is committed to this way of life, he or she will undergo the necessary self appraisal needed to grow and expand. That is the difference between those who want to "stick their toes in the water" and those who truly want to live this life. Commitment makes all the difference in the world.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Poly And BDSM

As I travel around the web, I am struck by all the people who are poly. Every where I turn, there is another individual or couple who is part of a poly relationship (household) and seeking to add another. Without any scientific data, I can only estimate the percentage of people in this lifestyle who are poly.

The Stats Do Not Match

Poly relationships are not exclusive to the BDSM community.  In fact, as you will see, most of the exist outside this world.  The vast percentage of true poly relationships reside in the traditional realm of society.  For these people, the lifestyle choice is not based upon sex or control.  Rather, it is a matter of the heart.

Estimates are weak in terms of the numbers or percentage of the population that truly is poly.  I heard claims that there are somewhere around 500,000 people in polyamorous relationships in the United States.  This number, according to some, is low when you consider the conditioning and promotion of monogamy by society at large.  How many more would embrace the poly life if our culture promoted it as an acceptable alternative?  Some claim that this number might reach 10% of the populous.

How does this compare to the BDSM community?  Based upon my informal survey on the internet, I think there are somewhere around 50% of the people who are seeking to live in some type of poly situation.  Compare this with a 10% number if society promoted poly as a reasonable alternative and one is left to conclude that something does not add up.

My belief is that either people who are involved in BDSM are a great deal more open minded about matters concerning the heart or there is something misleading about the statements people are making.  I make this claim because the numbers do not add up when compared to reasonable statistics in general.

Polysexual vs. Polyamorous

Poly is something that is easy to understand.  It simply means "more than one".  The question is more than one what?  Here we need to have a further understanding about the terms we are using.  Part of the statistical problem mentioned is because people are dealing with two definitions.

Polysexual means having sex with more than one person.  At the same time, polyamorous means being in love with more than one person.  Basically, when someone says they are poly, are they referring to sex or love?  That is where the big difference arises.

The polysexual community includes everyone who lives the open sexual lifestyle.  Swingers and porn stars fit into this category.  Their sexual escapades include numerous people (at least 2 others).  Sharing, swapping, and orgies are commonplace.  Bisexual encounters are also frequent.

Polyamorous people are those who focus more on the relationship aspect of things.  These are the ones who believe in love and commitment to more than one person.  While they may embark on the open sexual lifestyle, that is actually a rarity.  These people tend to have sex as a secondary issue.  Traditional arenas for polyamory is the Muslim and Mormon faiths.   Here a man (since the are male dominated disciplines) can have more than one wife.  The male is poly with monogamous wives.  Love is at the core of each of the relationships.

Poly and BDSM

This brings us to the BDSM community.  So, are upwards towards 50% of these people poly?  The answer lies in the definition.  They might be polysexual but they arent polyamorous.  In fact, these individuals are actually clueless about the poly lifestyle.  Their interest is in polysexual at best.

The classic example is a post where a M/s (or D/s, D/D) couple is looking to add another sub to their "poly" relationship.  What actually is occurring is that a Master is actually seeking to be a multi-slave owner.  He is not interested in creating a poly atmosphere.  The male wants two slaves while the female wants a sister and a bisexual lover.  That is what they are truly after.

In a true polyamorous situation, both relationships are given equal opportunity to grow.  One is not more important or given priority than the other.  Naturally, the second relationship trails the first in terms of familiarity and trust.  However, it also have the advantage of providing new energy (called NRE-New Relationship Energy) and excitement as compared to the first.  While the first person (slave in this example) has the knowledge of the Master, the second is given equal opportunity over time to become just as trusted.  Naturally, we do not see this in most of those offering poly BDSM relationships.

Alpha Slave

The alpha slave is a term used to describe the slave who is the head of a household in a multi-slave situation.  Traditionally, it was when there were a plethora of servants that one was placed in charge to make sure all tasks were completed to satisfaction.  This person was the de facto "Mother Hen".  It was her job to tend to all the other slaves while keeping them in line.  This freed the Master from the responsibility of discipline and micro mangement.

Many in the BDSM world claim they are being set up as alpha slaves.  They believe that their place is the incumbent slave entitles them to prestige over the newer person arriving.  This is bunk.  To start, in the M/s world, few have so many that they need an alpha slave.  Besides, who says the present slave has the ability to become a leader among slaves.  In fact, there is a chance the newer person is 10 times the slave the first one is.  She might be more obedient, knowledgeable, and talented.  Perhaps the second one is more qualified as the alpha slave.

Instead, the alpha slave is a method used for the first slave to keep her place between the newer one and the Master.   Typically, there is a long term relationship (possibly a marriage) in place when they go seeking another.  The first doesnt want to lose her status.  Anyone new is a threat.  In fact, there are many who state that if one is to go it is the new one.  Again, if it is true polyamory, one cannot make that assertion.  Each relationship exists on its own merit.  The success or failure of a slave depends upon her interaction with the Master, not on the other slave.  If one is to go, it is the one who doesnt meet the expectations established by the Master regardless of the number of years with him.

A Third Wheel

In the end, most of the people seeking poly are only interested in a third wheel.  As mentioned, the Master is interested in owning multiple slaves while the existing slave wants a sister.  The new person is nothing more than a third wheel to their arrangement.  She is there to perform tasks and enter into their sexual games.  That is all.  While this is a perfectly acceptable arrangement for anyone who is willing to enter it, one needs to be aware of what she is agreeing to.  To think that she is going to have an equal opportunity with the Master is foolhardy if this is the situation.  Most Masters are not polyamorous.  The existing relationship is the one that they will side with and not let go of.  The other slave, since she has no idea how to exist in a true poly situation, will eventually do things that will sabotage the newer relationship.  In the end, the new one is out since her relationship with the Master was never given a fair chance to develop.  She came in as and was always treated as a third wheel.  

The situation failed because it wasnt poly to begin with.  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Limits

When I surf around the different BDSM websites that I like to visit, I see wide opinions concerning limits. I am amazed how a group of people with similar experiences have such a differing view on this topic. Today, I will attempt to clarify what I perceive as some misconceptions concerning limits.

No Limit Slave

This is an idea that I see referred to all the time. People typically will advertise themselves as a "no limit slave". Or, they will state that they are seeking a slave with no limits. While we are engaging in fantasy, let us dwell upon our Christmas lists in hopes that Santa and the Easter Bunny will show up with a bag full of kinky treats. It ain't going to happen.

The idea of a "No limit slave" is total fantasy. This person does not exist. We should all cease to mention and promote the concept. It only leads to misinformation and confusion. Newer people believe this is something that is attainable. Sadly, they mentally abuse themselves since they fall short of this ideal. In the end, the myth causes great destruction.

If anyone is taking exception to this at this point, I would have you consider what you would allow me to do to you (if you are a slave). You proclaim to be no limit. If that is the case, let me cut off your arms and beat you over the head with them. Someone who truly is no limit would not have a problem with the loss of limbs. As long as it fulfills the Master's desire, so the thinking goes, then it is appropriate.

Of course, many counter that this is not part of the philosophy of SAFE, sane, and consensual. Well, my argument is that, according to this mindset, I am free to do with as I wish to my property. Therefore, if I want to destroy it, thus reducing its value by cutting off limbs, that is within my right. A no limit slave would go along with this.

Therefore, everyone has limits.

Hard Limits

There are two types of limits that we encounter. The first are hard limits. This is an area that people often confuse with the second type of limit. A hard limit is basically something that one cannot do under any circumstance. Many of these limits are universal and fall under the category of commonly held practices. For example, with the exception of a few, most people have the involvement of children as a hard limit. This is a line they will not cross no matter who or what is directing them. I would say that 98%+ agree with this limit.

Another way hard limits arise is in terms of the psychological state of the individual. Many suffered horrific abuse that was not dealt with. In my book, An Owned Life, I relate the story of one who was sexually abused by her dad and his friends over the years. This was a situation that she never handled with the help of a professional therapist. For this reason, a blindfold was a hard limit for her since she flashbacked to the prior abuse. As long as she could see during the scene, she was fine. However, cover her eyes and her mind drifted. For this individual, a blindfold is a hard limit.

The bottom line with hard limits is that there needs to be a valid reason for the limit.

Soft Limits

This is the second kind of limit we encounter and is by far the most common. People's hard limits are often nothing more than soft limits. This is a limit that a Dom/Master should work on helping one overcome. The individual might think this is something that he/she would never do. However, it is a limit that is to be explored.

To quickly shed light on what falls in this category, I will mention the "Eeew that is gross" concept. I often hear people respond when something is mentioned. Guess what, just because you think it gross, does not make it a hard limit. Those who are in a total power exchange relationship know that their consent in this regard is not required. A gross activity is still something that can be engaged in. Dislike is not a valid reason to make something a hard limit.

Another way that a limit exists is because someone has not worked up to overcoming it. For example, many think that paddling is a hard limit for them. Yet, when trained by an experienced person who knows how to push a limit without causing harm, one realizes that their level of acceptance of pain will grow over time.

Soft limits exist but should diminish over time as trust and experience with a particular Master grows.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Being True To Your One

Many talk about living in this lifestyle and being obedient to their Doms/Masters. Sadly, for many, this is all talk. It seems, judging by the chat on different sites, that reality is something completely different. This idea is in keeping with my other observation that few are truly cut out to be in this way of life.

M/s is an extreme part of the BDSM world. It is not suited for everyone. Unfortunately, many seem to think they are ideal for this since there is the desire to "submit" to another. This is a fallacy. M/s requires a submission that is beyond the comprehension of most people.

To be successful in this way of life, one must be true to her(his) Master(Mistress). This means the submissive individual is willing to completely ignore his/her desires for the sake of the one that was submitted to. Again, many will claim this but encounter difficulty when faced with it in real time. Reality rarely reflects the online fantasy.

The online world has a way of glorifying the BDSM lifestyle. Based upon the images conveyed, many believe that BDSM is nothing more than a 24/7 sexfest with complete service to one's Master. There is the belief that life suddenly will be fulfilled with one as the total focus of Master. Again, this is a scene played out daily online. However, reality plays a different tune.

For starters, few are in a financial position to dedicate exclusive focus upon a slave. People need to earn a living and that requires a grand amount of our time. Plus, it usually is the slave who is responsible for complete focus on the Master, not the other way around. He is the one who owns her. It was she who submitted to him.

Being true to your one means maintaining that focus without exception. What is it that a slave wants? Ideally, she will want her Master to be happy. Anything that enhances his happiness is what she should desire. Of course, there are times when this might go against her personal wishes. Masters can be temperamental beings. We desire many different things and chose a life where we can fulfill those wishes. A slave who thinks it is her place to deny that to him is mistaken in her role. She exists in the relationship to enhance, not take away from.

An example is when a Master wants to take another on. This could be either temporary or permanent (relax few things in life are permanent). The bottom line is that he has an interest in being/playing with another. That is his choice as a Master. A slave's place is to be supportive of his decisions regardless of what that means to her. Naturally, it most often reduces the focus on her with the other person garnering it. This is a difficult proposition to handle.

A slave who is true to her Master understands the parameters of the lifestyle and what "total power exchange" means. She is not in control. In the aforementioned example, I have seen many who want to dictate the terms of his choice. Again, this shows how one is not really into giving complete control away. She is trying to manipulate the situation to please her. This is not being supportive in my opinion.

All terms and parameters are established by the Master. That is the nature of the M/s lifestyle. Of course, this is a rather rigid way to live. That is why it is at the extreme end of the BDSM scale. Many are better suited for the D/s way of life. This allows them the freedom associated with submitting while maintaining control in those areas that he or she wishes. Being true to your one means being able to following all mandates regardless of your personal desires. From my observations online, this is something only a select few can ever hope to accomplish.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

The Danger Of Blind Obedience

I was in a chat room the other day and witnessed something that I saw many times before. There was myself and a sub in the room when another "Dom" entered. He proceeded to chat with the sub telling her how she should behave and what a sub is suppose to do. It was interesting because I never once saw him present himself as worthy of being a Dom. Again, just because he says he is one, does it make it so? If that is the case, then I am an astronaut.

This is an example of how blind obedience can be dangerous. Now, I am not saying this person was not a real Dom nor that he lacks the ability to control. I have no way of knowing. The point is that if a sub follows blindly in a situation like this, he or she might end up getting hurt. Sadly, this is something that I see all too often.

Many would feel that nobody would follow an individual of this nature without knowing anything about him. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Many will "submit" at the drop of a hat. They are so desperate to find someone to "own" them, that they go for anyone who claims to be dominant. This is occurring everyday in chat rooms all over the place.

My regular readers know that safety is of the highest concern. I promote this every chance I can. One needs to be willing to look out for his or her safety regardless of whether a Dom or a sub. Certainly, the onus should fall to the Dom. However, many do not take that seriously. This is why a sub needs to be attentive to what is transpiring and say "no" if he or she is put in jeopardy.

Obedience is a fundamental premise of this lifestyle. Nevertheless, there is a line to anything that involves consent. Disobeying because you do not like the idea of something is inappropriate. However, if you (or your children) are put in danger, then it is time to stop the proceedings. Blind obedience can be fatal.

Remember this tidbit the next time you are chatting with someone.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Contrarian View

A contrarian view is one that goes against what is commonly thought as to the truth. We see this cited most often in the field of investing. Contrarians are those who invest from a viewpoint that goes against the common belief of which way the market is moving. Many times they are the big winners because they divorce themselves from the blind euphoria that many get caught in.

The BDSM world has many of the same viewpoints. Society tells us what is "normal" and what we must do to be happy. It lays out a path for us which is destined to bring about a life beyond our dreams (so we are told). However, many of us find that the facts that were presented to us were incorrect. After following their dogmas and tenets, we find ourselves alone, divorced, depressed, and broke in all facets of the word. The path that we were sold on turned into a lemon.

BDSM offers us another way of life. Even though it has moved from the deep underground because of the Internet, it is still considered an "alternative lifestyle". We are still different from the norm. Therefore, society, and it members, have a way of using terminology and insults to categorize us. This is done in an effort to degrade and demean. Their barbs are hurled as if they were factual.

The most basic tenet of this lifestyle is the exchange of power. For a BDSM relationship to be successful, there needs to be a person who is submissive. This is one of the ideas which goes against mainstream society. To it, submissiveness is a sign of weakness. This is where the contrarian view enters. One who is submissive is not weak but, rather, following an internal calling that is ingrained with him or her. To me, this is strength over weakness. People who are willing to look at themselves and follow their natural desires are stronger than the average person. Most fail to do this.

Many alternative philosophies warn about having the "herd mentality". Those who blindly follow what they are told are those who end up slaves. BDSM is all about freedom. Even though bondage is a central technique we employ, we value freedom above all else. A slave is freer than the norm because of the simple fact that he or she decided to follow his or her own path. In my opinion, those who are blindly following the dogma that was established for them is weakness. These are the true slaves.

BDSM is a complicated and diverse lifestyle. There are many layers which are to be explored. The limits exist only in your mind. This is a path that allows you to go as far as you would like. Of course, it does not appear to be such at first glance. Trust me when I tell you that what appears on the surface is not necessarily so. Further research will be required. There are many areas where a contrarian view of the facts is more accurate.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.