June 30, 2010

It Takes Maturity

This is a subject is rarely read about when discussing the different aspects of the BDSM world. Yet, there is nothing, in my opinion, that is crucial to success. Without it, one is deemed to fail in any type of relationship regardless of the way it is structured.


Many complain about all the fakes that exist in the online BDSM world. These people range from annoying to outright dangerous depending upon how naive the person being targeted is. Nevertheless, for the most part, these types are just passing time. They come and go without a trace. Their presence is solely for the purpose of entertaining themselves. Usually, they are manipulative, pathetic people who are trying to compensate for their unworthiness in real life.

Are these people immature? Some of them fit this description to a tee. Fortunately, they are the ones who are rather easy to spot. An example of their activity is they will enter a chatroom while proclaiming they are seeking a slave (or Master). This behavior falls into the get real category. Do they really think that anyone real will drop at their feet? Along the same lines, these same type of people believe that a capital before their name instantly makes then a Master, thus meaning that everyone "bow" at their feet. Again, I say get real.

These people are foolish. Many are trying to compensate for a lackluster life offline. We see many who are trying to live out their sexual fantasies while masturbating to characters on a screen. Another group of them are trying to cover up the fact that they have little appeal in the real world. The Internet allows one to create whatever persona he or she desires. Experience is not something these people share since they have none. Instead, their "world" becomes the online community they interact with. As it pertains to BDSM, they try to fit in while being transparent as to what they are. The fakes take away from everyone.


This brings us to the people who are truly seeking to live this way of life. Where do they stand? Again, since I am writing this post, I believe that most tend to fall in the immature category. I find this especially true on the submissive side of the equation. Many who are seeking a Dom/Master appear to missed the part of life where one was to grow up. Their emotional balance is that of an 8 year old. This is alright since many of them want to act like children anyway.

On my social site, we had blog post regarding the maturity level of certain types of people (read it here). Many on that site seem to agree that there are a range of people who enter this life as a means of shedding all responsibility. As mentioned, many have lives that are wrought with failure. These people seem to get a new lease on things when they uncover the BDSM life. Here is the magical elixir that will make their lives successful. Suddenly, finding one who will take care of him/her is the solution.

Naturally, anyone who was around this life for any period of time knows this is not true. The bottom line is that it takes maturity to make a relationship work. No matter the dynamic, it takes work for relationships to succeed. Contrary to popular belief, a total power exchange does not increase the chance for success, especially if one is totally immature.


A BDSM relationship is extremely difficult. Speaking as a Master who had multiple live in M/s relationships, I can tell you that one of the main factors for success is that I must be able to depend up anyone under my control. Absent this, I will never have the trust to delegate worthwhile tasks to her. A slave is in my life to make it easier. Micromanaging is something that I detest. At the same time, this is my life we are referring to, not some game that one picks up on a whim. Therefore, anyone I deal with, if long-term success is to be present, requires a level of maturity to exist in this realm. Acting like a child does not increase one's dependability in my view. This is a surefire way to wreck any relationship I have with you.

How does all this translate to the behavior we witness online? I see so many acting immature in chatrooms and one forums. Their idea of fun and cutting lose is also the parameter that others such as myself is judging them. Those who want to behave in such a manner quickly lose my respect (and yes, respect is something that a Dom/Master should have for a sub/slave-but it is earned). Being a brat reminds me too much of an 8 year old. Therefore, anyone who wants to be considered by me needs to exhibit the adult qualities that I know are needed for success in a BDSM relationship.


The people I know who have successful relationships are adults. BDSM is simply as aspect of our overall lives. We deal with all the same issues that everyone else does. Success in life is contingent upon handling the different aspects of life in an appropriate manner. Children have the luxury of acting the way they do because they have parents taking care of them. However, those who do not mature often have difficulty later in life since so much of what we deal with requires advanced interpersonal skills. Life is a game for adults. Children are exempt from playing.

BDSM is the same way. Those who feel the need to behave or live out their childish motives are doomed to fail. I do not know anyone who takes this life seriously that would subject him or herself to such a person. The advantages that someone like that provides are minimal. People who are seeking out a relationship(s) do so by judging what the other person brings to the table. Any parent knows that children come with headaches. Few are willing to subject themselves to the same anguish by involving themselves with someone too immature to handle a relationship. Immaturity is one way to remove the chance for long term success. And it is certainly something worthy of more discussion.

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Alujna on July 1, 2010 at 2:36 AM said...

Maturity, such a conflicting thing. i think i grew up too early... sometimes it's good to let everything go and just be jolly. But for anything successful (job or relationship) you need maturity. simply because with maturity comes self-control and discipline.

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