January 21, 2011

Abuse Within The Lifestyle

I am appalled at how many actually believe that the BDSM world is a forum where one is free to abuse another. This is absolutely insane. Under no circumstances is the abuse of one who is under your control acceptable. I am a believer that if you do that, I ought to get to spend a couple of hours with you under my control. And trust me when I tell you that I know some pretty good torture techniques.


Much of this blog is spent writing about ways to identify the pretenders versus the real lifestyle people. The online community makes it more difficult simply because it is open to everyone with an internet connection. Nevertheless, I spell out what domination is about and what it is not. Those who focus on the physical/sexual are proving themselves to be nothing more than pretenders. Their actions exhibit the simple fact that they have no clue what it takes to be a Dom, let alone, Master.

Domination is not something that one can pretend to excel at. There is no way to fake it unless you are dealing with someone who is completely ignorant of what this lifestyle is all about. Of course, there are thousands of 'subbies' running around who fit that bill. They are the ones who are apt to fall for the crap that these supposed 'doms' spew. Ultimately, the submissive one ends up getting hurt, it is only a matter to what degree. Some are simply heartbroken while others have the living snot beat out of them.

If domination (or Mastery) was about physical intimidation then every battering redneck would be considered a Master. The truth is abuse is abuse. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle does not mean that one has a license to engage in such behavior (or take it). People who are under this misconception should be exposed at every turn. There should be no tolerance for abusive behavior. Being abusive does not equate to being dominant. Imprint this firmly in your mind.


This idea takes on a different meaning when one is involved in the TPE aspect of the lifestyle. Many seem to think that a slave is property (which she is) and, thus, needs to endure whatever is done to her. Again, this is a misconception of epic proportions. We engage in a consensual lifestyle. That means that we each volunteer for what we are involved in. A slave goes to a Master seeking domination, not abusive. Hell, many that I interacted with who are new seem to have that one covered in their life. They didn't need to come to the BDSM world to get slapped around.

Any 'Master' who believes he can abuse a slave physically is a candidate for arrest. It is that simple. I do not care if he is your 'true one'. If he is violent and emotionally out of control, call the cops. This is a concept that most believe foreign. How can a slave call the police on her Master? Simple. She just dials 911 (or 999 UK). There is no great mystery. After that, she does what she has to do to get away from that person.

Some are shocked by this outlook. Here is the reasoning. I could care less how long one is professing to be in the lifestyle, if he is abusive he is not a Master. And, if you are a slave, you need a Master not a nitwit. Thus, you are wasting your time by remaining with someone so boldly unqualified to own you. Contrary to your hopes and optimism, things will not get better.

An Inward Journey

Being a Master is an inward journey. Too many feel the way to become a Master is to get a slave and 'practice' on her. Wrong again Chico. The path to Mastery starts be identifying those qualities within yourself that will enable you to take control (and responsibility) for another. One major component in my experience is for one to seek emotional mastery. Those who cannot control themselves in this manner have no business being involved in an M/s relationship. Certainly, there are times we all lose our cool. However, there is a big difference between getting a bit upset over a circumstance and becoming a batterer. People of the later design belong in jail.

Domination is done with the mind. To do this, one needs to penetrate someone at a deep level. Making your point with your fists is not the way to go about that. Instead, that is proving your inability to truly dominate another. Anyone can use fear as a tactic. The challenge is to use of other methods which get better results. Only one who delves deep within himself can understand the qualities it takes to operate in this manner. The pretenders use fear since it is an easy tactic. Masters use mental and psychological control. The first abuse; the second dominate.


What constitutes about? Quite simply it is the intention. Obviously many of the vanilla believe all of what we do is abusive. The truth is that punishment handed down in an effort to alter a particular behavior is not abusive. Of course, the punishment needs to fit the crime as they say. If one goes overboard with every little transgression, that is also another for of abuse. A true Dom/Master will know where that line exists.

Much of our play involved paddles, needles, whips, chains, and rope. The truth is that many enjoy this aspect and crave the pain. Other do not. It is a dominant's responsibility to find the limits of each individual that he deals with. Again, since there is consent, it is not abusive.

We have a saying: safe, sane, consensual. While there might be some debate about the full merits of this concept, there is no doubt that this expels the notion of abuse being acceptable. If you are one who wants to batter, or feels that it is appropriate to batter a slave, then you need to learn this valuable lesson. And, if you are a slave who is suffering at the hands of an asshole like this, then I suggest you have the police on your speed dial. DO NOT HESITATE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Just because you are a slave that does not mean you have to be subject to this behavior. And if you find someone who feels you do, please send them my way.

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a hidden slave on January 22, 2011 at 1:22 AM said...

I read your post with great interest;the use of psychology requires thought and a level of intellec. The use of violence requires almost no thought and very little intelligent thought.
Abusive relationships are so very damaging to one's psychological health, but a D/s relationship can, when done properly be so wonderful, liberating, filled with personal growth and discovery and a source of such happiness.....abusive relationships are what they say on the tin..."abusive". Thank you for putting it so clearly and eloquently.

miss joan said...

It's great to see this kind of distinction between what's ok and what isn't. This is one of the touchiest aspects of the lifestyle and one we need to be vigilant about as a community as well. If we can keep awareness of this up, and incidents down, then we have established the value and validity of our way of life. In our subculture, which deviates from the norm so far, it is important to cover our bases. The need is for us to portray that safe/sane/consensual play and not to allow abusiveness in our circles. Love that you tell unhappy/abused subbies to get out of the situation!
Thanks again Dennis, i sure do enjoy your writings. You have a clear cut concise view of things and a great way of explaining. Mad respect to you, Sir.

Dennis Najee on January 22, 2011 at 10:06 AM said...

Thank you both for the comments. I appreciate the vote of confidence. And yes this is a subject we cannot state enough. Too many seem to believe that it is permissible to abuse (or be abused). We need to let all know that this is not a guise for abusive behavior.

This is one area where we should be intolerant.


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