February 28, 2010


This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because "they drifted apart". Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master (written about here). This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the "honeymoon" period ends with a thud. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people's lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.

The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a "play session" for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly? Are you seeking to be a professional Dom/Domme or just something for private use? This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom/Master requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception.

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