November 7, 2010

What Is BDSM?


This post is going to hopefully clear up many of the major misconceptions that exist out there about the BDSM lifestyle. To start, I want to state that the ideas I am going to mention pertain to the relationship aspect. Those who are interested in implementing BDSM play into their bedroom activities, while still BDSM, will not relate to this. Only those involved or seeking a connection with another will identify with the principles.

The BDSM Relationship

I often ask people what is the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship". It is interesting, although not surprising, to hear people state BDSM. Sadly, this is completely false. The most important idea to remember is that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

Many seem to think they entered the twilight zone when they involve themselves in BDSM. That leads to a host of irrational behaviors which often result in harm. The truth is that one needs to approach this life with the same skills utilized in all other interactions. Ultimately, BDSM is about the relationship with another person.

When one analyzes a BDSM relationship, you come to understand how it is the same, and how it differs. To simplify things, the main difference between the BDSM relationship and a traditional one is the breakdown of power. Many are involved in what is termed 'total power exchange'. What this means is that the power split is unequal. One person has 100% of the power while the other has 0%. Contrast this with most relationships which are 50/50 or, perhaps, skewed one way or another because of personalities. Other than that, most of the same skills for success are required.

Many ask how does one separate the BDSM life from the 'outside' life? There is no need to 'separate' the two. Life is life. One does not leave one to enter into another. Again, this isnt the twilight zone. There is no mystery. Your life is exactly what it is. Certainly, we behave differently depending upon the surroundings. But, isnt that true in the traditional world? We act one way in front of our boss while behaving differently with our buddies on a Friday night while drinking beers. Along the same lines, one involved in a BDSM relationship will behave accordingly in both private and public. However, the momentary external circumstances do not change the relationship.

What Is One?

People are either dominant or submissive (or switches). That is what they are. However, one needs to look at what makes this so. Is a person dominant, for example, because he or she acts in a particular manner? Or is someone submissive because they do those things that are associated with a submissive person? I will answer this with a question: is a person female because she dresses, acts, and exhibits the ways of a female?

The answer to all of these is 'no'. Domination or submissiveness is what one is. It is something that comes from inside the person. It matters little how one is behaving in the particular moment. Dress up a female in male clothing and she is still a female. That does not change about her. The same is true within our lifestyle. Just because a sub is 'acting' dominant, in a job let's say, that doesn't change who she is. Her submissiveness is remains.

What does all this mean? In my experience, I concluded that people who enter this life focus upon the action and behavior. People want to know about what one does as a dominant (or submissive). This is the wrong approach. Again, the actions do not determine what one is. It is what is inside that makes this decision. Thus, instead of focusing upon the action, one needs to look within for the answers. To me, the most important aspect of this is the mindset one has. Out of this the actions will follow. However, it all starts with the inner search of what is there and conditioning the mind to follow suit.

What Is BDSM?

So, what is BDSM? Let me start by stating what it is not. Contrary to the images presented online, BDSM is not all about sex. You will not find yourself tossed into an episode of Public Disgrace on a daily basis. Nor it is about 'round-the-clock' beatings. It is doubtful your new Dom/Master has a dungeon set up where you will live. While sex and whippings are a part of the life we lead, it is not the primary focus.

Another thing that this is not is a fairy tale. Many like to romanticize it while placing it on a level of a kinky Cinderella. There are no glass slippers in this one. Many seem to think that a series of science fiction novels written in the 70s depict what this life is like. Few live something even remotely identifiable with these works. Again, this is mental imagery presented in the online community that does not transcend to real time.

BDSM is an inner search that is turned outward to fulfill a desire the dwells deep within a person. One might call it a connection to spirit. Whatever the terminology, the basic idea is living true to oneself. Getting involved in a BDSM relationship entails one living according to certain principles while interacting with another person. Each person fulfills a void for the other person. This connection is what present the opportunity for both people to grow. It is through this interaction that we learn more about ourselves.

Trust is a quality that many people have difficulty with. The BDSM relationship necessitates trust at the deepest of levels. Many of the activities we engage in are wrought with danger. A submissive, especially, needs to trust in the person that he or she is giving control to. Vulnerability is present even at the physical level; something that most in the traditional world do not face. It is almost unheard of that a person was accidentally killed in a normal relationship. However, scenes go wrong in the BDSM world can often lead to death. A greater level of trust is required knowing this danger exists.

When one submits, he or she gives all of him/herself over to another. At the same time, the dominant is accepting complete control and, thus, responsibility for the direction of that person's life. Neither should undergo this process lightly. This goes far beyond just wanting to be taken sexually. When two people merge in this way, they each are presenting all they have to the other person. This is a process that takes a great deal of time. BDSM is going through the intense effort to learn about oneself fully and entering into a relationship that satisfies the inner needs. It is determining where one fits on the power exchange scale to match what is within him or her. Once this conclusion is reached, it filters into all areas of one's life. BDSM is a life path that allows one to be what he or she truly is.

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