October 7, 2010

Growth: Is It Happening

Growth is something that I write about frequently because I am a believer that is the basis of all we do, both as individuals and a couple. Every situation offers an opportunity to learn. Growth is the result of stringing a series of learning opportunities together over time.


People try to shy away from mistakes. It is our natural tendency to want to be right. Our egos cry out against the concept of 'being wrong'. However, this is an outlook which robs someone of valuable resources for growth. Mistakes are our best teacher. We learn more from a single mistake than we could from volumes of books. For example, there are hundreds of thousands of books written about investing. One could choose a multitude on the same investment style. Nevertheless, there is more knowledge gained from the loss of $1,000 on a trade than can be garnered from 10 textbooks. Real live mistakes is where the education is .

It is time we embrace our mistakes and actively seek them. The only people who do not make mistakes are those who do not try anything. These are the ones who never grow or develop. At the same time, there is a group of people who are always trying new things. The education/knowledge level of these individuals is immense since they tend to make a great many mistakes. Remember, the most successful people usually made the most mistakes.

BDSM Relationships

For whatever reason, many seem to think that sub/slaves ought never make a mistake. I witnessed the belief that mistakes are worthy of punishment. Certainly, there are times when punishments are required for growth. However, a simply mistake is not one of them in my opinion. That being said, I will state the same mistake made repeatedly is worthy of consideration for punishment. When one continually does the same thing when shown not to, that most often shows disobedience.

Which brings up a larger question: what happens when one is trying but repeatedly makes the same mistake? In my opinion, this is not a situation where obedience is involved but, rather, incapability. There are certain things that one is simply incapable of doing. For example, you could put a gun to my head and tell me to dunk a basketball; it is not going to happen. That is something that I am completely incapable of achieving. I am not being disobedient since I will put forth all effort to dunk the basketball. However, my natural limitations enter the picture.

So, what happens in this situation? Here is where one needs to decide if he/she is being unreasonable with the another. Some are simply incapable. To expect one to be otherwise is unfair, inane, and useless. If one has the desire yet still falls short, that is an indication of this person's limitation.

Lack of Growth

What if this extents to an overall lack of growth? Who does the responsibility fall upon in a BDSM relationship? I will start by stating that the makeup of the relationship has a big part in this answer. A D/s situation is radically different from M/s. I would say that more of the responsibility falls to the submissive one in D/s whereas the Master is in control in M/s. If one is not growing, determining who is at fault is important because that is the person who needs to take corrective action.

If growth is not happening, I will state that the relationship is heading towards disaster. I do not believe long term relationships last without this vital component. When a sub/slave is stagnating, that has the potential to drag the entire relationship down. A Dom/Master needs to get to the bottom of it is he/she wants to have it survive.

Once again, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of growth. You would be surprised how many simply are not. I would say that most people are 'trained' in the art of stagnation. This seems to be a societal condition bred by the mainstream dogma. (Consider how many people think that education ends upon graduation as an example). Few actively seek out daily and weekly improvement in their skills and abilities. Playing the percentages leads me to believe that subs/slaves overwhelmingly arent naturally into this. Therefore, a Dom/Master is responsible for pushing one to put forth the effort for growth.

In conclusion, I simply believe that if one is not growing, the dominant one needs to decide if the person is capable of it or not. If the answer is negative, release is warranted. However, if the submissive one is able but was not given the guidance, that falls upon the one who has the control. In this instance, he or she needs to consider what is lacking and route a different path. This is part of the responsibility of being in charge.

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