October 10, 2010

Domination: A Misconception

Domination is a factor that makes up 50% of a BDSM relationship. It is impossible to have a relationship without having this. There is nobody for one to submit to unless there is another person willing to dominate. This is just a factor that is indisputable.

Fortunately, there seems to be no shortage of people who are willing to step in and call themselves 'dominant'. Chatrooms and forums are full of people who enter and immediately proclaim themselves 'Masters'. Perhaps there are a few instances where this is warranted but most of them are simply assuming a role. Often this is decided by the societal mantra that one should control and dominant. We live in a culture that promotes the strong while downplaying the contribution of those in roles of service. Everyone wants to be 'Gordon Gecko' of Wall Street fame.

Take Care Of Me

I will show this point by telling you what happens in my own life. My slave cooks for me. She does my ironing. All food shopping is handled by her. She contributes financially to my house. Her efforts help me to work towards my goals. Sexual servitude is performed in any manner I desire. My house is maintained by her both inside and outside. These are just a few of the duties that she performs for me.

This is what a slave does. He or she performs the tasks that a Master (Mistress) sets forth. However, the difference is that I do not need my slave to do any of these things for me. I am perfectly capable of performing all of these duties myself. I am not dependent upon her to take care of me. While she makes my life easier in many ways, I do not need her to do them to get where I am seeking. Her efforts assist me as opposed to her taking care of me.

Many do not fall into the same category. I see many who want a slave who will take care of them. There are many out there who are seeking to have someone provide for them financially when they cannot do it themselves. Others come to depend upon another for emotional stability and look to that person for significance.

This is not domination.


Those who look to another to do what he or she cannot do oneself is weak and I do not believe someone without strength can ever dominate another. (As a side note, I do not believe that a weak person can adequately submit to another either. Strength is required on that side of the equation also). To successfully dominate another, I feel that one needs to be complimenting oneself and not replacing a 'lack' within oneself.

To put it bluntly, there are many individuals with lives that are a complete mess. Every aspect of lives are in total chaos. Financially they are in dire straights. Emotionally they are walking around as an open nerve responding to every stimulus out there. Their physical health is awful with obesity and laziness prevailing. They are lonely people without much direction.

The problem arises when these same people enter the BDSM world by stating they are dominant. There seems to be a belief that simply because one bought into the societal notion of power and control then he/she is naturally inclined to dominate another. I find that to be untrue. Domination requires a great deal more than that.

Get Your House In Order

Before you can successfully dominate another, I believe you need to get your own house in order. There are certain skills required to excel in this realm. The fact that one is struggling in every area of his/her life shows a lack of these abilities. Success permeates throughout all facets of our lives. Relationships are about interaction with another person. Those who cannot do this in the 'vanilla' aspects of life will face certain failure here also.

Ignoring the fact that I cannot understand why any submissive will be attracted to a person of this nature, I feel there is a basic component missing from a relationship established upon these grounds. My experience is that a submissive person is seeking strength in a dominant. Now, I know we can describe strength in many different ways but the bottom line is that certain skills lend themselves to life success. Having a person lacking in this strength will result in the relationship being strained. Commonly the submissive ends up having to compensate for what is missing in the dominant. This is a position that I find most true submissive types detest. My experience is that few enjoy being in the dominant position when they entered a relationship seeking to be dominated. And this is exactly what happens.

A submissive is not designed to take care of a dominant. If you are one seeking to be 'taken care of', then I suggest you look at why you are entering this way of life. BDSM is a wonderful choice for many people. However, it is not a substitute for the failure to achieve basic interpersonal skills. Make sure that you have the ability to dominate before you accept taking on someone else. To decide this, look at all the other areas of your life. How are you doing there? If everything is a total mess, perhaps you want to tend to them before you bring on another. A sub/slave should compliment your life, not make it.

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