March 29, 2010

Trust: Needed For Control

New people often miss this fundamental point. For one to properly control and dominate another, there needs to be trust established. This means, that as a Dom/Master, you better be trustworthy.

How much do you concentrate your efforts on being a trustworthy person? This obviously transcends the BDSM world. However, as one who is proclaiming to be dominant, what do you have to offer that a sub/slave can latch onto? Few every consider this when pounding their chest in an effort to exemplify their merits. Of course, experienced people know this is all a load of garbage. Yet, it must work since so many people repeat the same behavior.

Master Seeks Slave For 24/7 Relationship

Have you ever seen this advertisement? If you visit any number of online BDSM sites, you will see this all over the place. It seems that most think that this is enough to get people to drop to their knees in front of you. Again, since it is so prevalent, I know it does find success. This shows how naive many are who will throw themselves at anyone.

This post will seem like I am bashing the online community (which I am apt to do). However, that is not my intention since I see much of this same behavior in real life situations. Many munches are nothing more than glorified chatrooms with the same idiotic behavior taking place. At some point, you would think that people want to be shown what is being offered. Hell, we don't buy a car without knowing the MPG, lease payment, and insurance costs. Yet, people will offer themselves up to any meathead who claims to be a Dom (Master).

My efforts here are to open your eyes up to another way to approach this lifestyle. Instead of the bonehead ad listed above, let us focus our attention on offering people something. Everything is sales and we are now confronted with the prospect of separating ourselves from the rest of the crowd. Fortunately, I can assure you that it is not that difficult.

What Do You Know?

People trust people who are knowledgeable. This applies to every area of life. We do not want to buy a product from someone who has no idea how his or her product works. Nor are we likely to want an A/C repair person who can't operate a thermostat. Doctors spend years in school gaining the knowledge necessary to perform complex operations. Everywhere you turn, people are seeking those who have knowledge to share.

So, why do you think it is any different in this way of life? Lucky for you, I have an answer for that. Society, in its infinite wisdom, teaches us about all kinds of different topics. Our educational system is designed to produce well rounded citizens. Sadly, the one area that is always overlooked is how to be successful in relationships. The vanilla world presumes that people know how to get along. Judging by the divorce rates in the advanced countries, perhaps it is time for someone to look at that concept. It seems most are inadequately prepared for what awaits them.

This is our training ground. Everyone who enters the BDSM world does so after taking a stab at things in the vanilla world. Society's ethos is in full operation. Therefore, when we are hiring an employee, it is common to ask his or her experience. However, we never ask a potential mate what his/her record is with relationships and how much knowledge that person has which will help make this one successful. Instead, it is one giant crapshoot that ultimately ends up with the attorneys splitting the bulk of the assets.

The truth is, as inadequately prepared as people are in the traditional world, they are even less so for this way of life. There is nothing that one experiences growing up that will convert to life as a Master or slave. It is something that is far removed from most people's natural experiences. Therefore, we need to look at what knowledge is required before advancing forward.

A Natural Tendency Is Not Enough

Many falsely believe simply because he or she is naturally dominate/submissive, then that is qualification to pursue this way of life. I cannot tell you the number of people I encounter who state that they always knew they were a Master or slave. Really? When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I find it interesting that there were children dreaming of being involved in BDSM when they get older. Of course, this is hogwash. People can be naturally dominant or submissive, yet that is not enough for success in this way of life.

One needs to take the time to study the ins and outs of this way of life. Those with experience tend to share their knowledge with others. That is the point of all my writings. I want to convey the knowledge that I gained over the last 10+ years to those who are considering going down this path. All the "secrets" are revealed if you will just read.

And that is your starting point. If you are new, read as much as you can about this particular lifestyle. Type "BDSM" into your search engine and read away. Go 30, 40, 50 pages deep to find blogs where people share experience (it will take you that long to get past the pictures). These places are where you find accounts of actual life situations that people face within this lifestyle. You will garner knowledge about the various aspects of BDSM and then can begin to determine where you fit. For example, the traits of being a sub compared to that of a slave are vastly different. The same is true for a Dom and Master. Consider the differences before proclaiming to be something that you are not.


Once you gain a bit of knowledge, it is time to show everyone how smart you are. This is not a lifestyle where we are shy. We share all the kernals of knowledge we gain with whomever will listen. This is accomplished by writing.

I set up the An Owned Life Social site with the intention of having a place for people to interact with other in the lifestyle. All are welcomed and are encouraged to express themselves. People with every conceivable background shows up to sites like these. By sharing the knowledge you gained, you begin to stand out as someone who knows a little bit about this way of life. In short order, you will be able to write a much better ad than the one above.

Why do we go to this length? One Word:


This is what makes it all tick. You have no hope of attracting anyone who is real and getting them to submit unless they trust you. Trust is something that is important in every relationship. However, since a sub or slave is placed in such a vulnerable position, the need for this quality is magnified. We do everything in our power to gain the trust of another. If we can do that, we lay the foundation for a successful BDSM relationship.

A BDSM relationship is all about control. One person has it because it is given by the other one. I can attest to the fact this will not occur unless there is trust between the two individuals. Again, I am overlooking the online games where one submits to another within 15 minutes of meeting him or her in a chatroom. It is impossible to gain trust in that period of time. That is why most online relationships are just antics. There is nothing substantial to them. Real world is a little different.

To truly have control, one needs to trust you with his or her life. This sounds dramatic until you realize the fact that some of our fetishes played out in scenes can lead to death or disfigurement. One will not safely put him or herself in your hands unless the trust exists. This is something that all dominant figures need to work on. Being capable in the many different aspects of this lifestyle will allow that person to cede control over. Without it, the relationship is dead.

It Takes Time

My present slave is with me almost a year in person. Before that, we spent about a year online interacting. She moved here from another country to be with me. This is not something she would have done without trusting me. However, that does not mean that the trust didnt grow since arriving. As time passes, her trust for me grows as we go through different situations. This is a natural process in most relationships. Nevertheless, people in this way of life seem to overlook it.

Avoid the desire to run out and be a Master overnight. It is not possible. The BDSM world is full of many nuances that take years to uncover let alone perfect. Those who state their "Masterhood" simply by putting a capital M on Master prove themselves to be phonies in short order. These are the people who are unwilling to invest the time in learning what this lifestyle is all about. To them, it is a game. Those of us who live this have a different outlook. To us, it is not a game. We have respect for this way of life and the people involved with it. For this reason, we aspire to elevate ourselves for everyone's benefit. Growth is a fundamental part of our progression.

Thus, if you want to earn the right to control another, make sure you have something to offer him or her. Experienced subs/slaves know all the online cons. You will never attract anyone decent as long as you play the same games as everyone else. Earn their trust by improving your knowledge and abilities. It is only than that you will have garnered the right (and ability) to control that person.

Begin your quest for knowledge by clicking on this link for my bestselling book An Owned Life.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.


Spanking photo blog on March 30, 2010 at 7:29 PM said...

Hi, i have a spanking blog to. I wonder if you like exchange links betwen our blogs

Let me know what you think.

Best regards


Dennis Najee on April 1, 2010 at 11:54 AM said...

We can do that. Also, be sure to post your blog on There is a page in the An Owned Life group that has favorite blogs. It is another link for you.

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