January 6, 2010

Why Do This?

Have you ever thought about why people enter this lifestyle? Why do they endure what they do? What are they seeking and what, specifically, are they after?

Obviously I cannot answer for everyone. And, over the years, I have seen people approach this life for many different reasons. Of course, some were good while others were dangerous. Nevertheless, people seem to learn their lessons in the end.

I am an advocate that one should always be moving towards something as opposed to away. This seems sensible yet many choose the later. This is especially true when approaching BDSM. I would say that many are attracted to this way of life for the wrong reasons as opposed to the right ones. Naturally, right and wrong is relative. Perhaps it is better to use healthy and unhealthy as substitutes.

Those who live this way of life and are successful are attracted to the desire to be happy. This is the overriding goal that each person has. Happiness is something they sought in other areas of life only to realize that the traditional did not hold it for them. Then, when encountering BDSM, these people realized this held the key to their happiness.

Now many will claim this is their motivation. Sadly, it is not the truth. A great majority of the new people I encounter are actually trying to move away from the traditional way of life. Their stories are often similar in that they were miserable failures in most aspects of life, most notably relationships. Suddenly, they find a chatroom espousing the ideas of D/s (or M/s) and believe they are home. At some point, the realization was made that there was a submissive or dominating streak within these people. BDSM seems like the perfect opportunity to rectify the past ills. So, our new troopers go to the extreme and pronounce themselves masters and slaves (I will not dignify the masters (pretenders) with a capital "M" here).

Unfortunately, for these people, nirvana is rarely realized by these people. The rush into situations where they readily give or accept submission to the nth degree. Their interaction begins online which is mistaken for being real. Then, when they move to the next level, our "newlyweds" suddenly realize that living as Master/slave is a difficult task. Those who claim this is an easy lifestyle are misleading the truth. Success in real time takes a great deal of effort.

We often find these situations blow up in people's faces. It is rare to see M/s relationships go more than a year or two. People find the struggle is just too great. Sadly, many were not cut out for it in the first place. My recent posts reflect the idea that many fail to have the mindset to live in the extreme.

This brings us back to the original question: why do people do this? If those who are successful are seeking happiness, why do so many try to be square pegs in round holes. I am amazed how people attain the same results they got in the traditional world. They are miserable. To me, this means that the problem is personal. One ought to take the time to look at oneself and determine exactly what it will take for him or her to be happy. BDSM is a wide spectrum. Deciding where one fits is crucial for long-term happiness.

I sense the many feel that being "less" extreme is degrading. I have repeatedly said that there is nothing wrong with being a sub or a Dom. Few are cut out for the M/s way of life. Yet, whenever I go into a chatroom, the majority are either Masters or slaves. There seems to be a lacking of Doms and subs. This tells me that everyone simply is claiming to be something they are not able to handle. This is a recipe for disaster.

Remember this idea as you dwell upon the facts of your life. Spend some time in reflection to see exactly what will make you happy. In BDSM, there is no "one size fits all approach".

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Jillybuff on January 6, 2010 at 6:37 PM said...

Thank you, sir, for posting this. The timing was almost eerily perfect.

You bring up a good point about needing to be introspective, and reading this, I realize I may have been doing exactly what you described above.

So, thank you so much for addressing this, being willing to address it in a public setting, and having the sense to realize its importance. I count myself very lucky that I've found your journal.


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