January 28, 2010

Taking Time

I am always amazed at how newer people believe they need to rush headfirst into this way of life. As I travel around the web, I see many who just learned of the existence of this lifestyle only to find they are "owned" or "owning" someone a short time later. This is insane to me.

For me, I find that analogies work very well to help clarify thinking. The easiest way I can do this is to contrast this way of life to the traditional model. In this instance, the comparison works well.

Let me ask you: how old is the average person before they get married? Is it 16, 18, 21, or older? At the same time, how long does one typically date before they enter into marriage? 1 month, 6 months, a year, or longer? I will admit I do not know the answers to these questions. However, I believe that the average age of marriage is closer to 25 and people are probably together for 1-2 years before marrying.

One other parallel that I want to draw. How long is someone in the traditional lifestyle before they end up in wedlock? Again, if we presume the average marrying age is roughly 25, and people enter puberty in their early teens, we can conclude that one has approximately 10 years experience with the dating scene before settling down.

How does this all come into play with BDSM? The point that I am making is that few people enter into their first relationship as a young teenager and end up in a lifelong committed relationship after a few weeks. Yet, this is exactly what seems to happen in the BDSM arena. People suddenly find out this way of life exists and they are intent on getting with someone pronto. Is it any wonder that a train wreck usually ensues?

My suggestion is that people take their time to educate themselves and to understand what this life is all about. For some there is a built in buffer since they have responsibilities to attend to from previous lifestyle choices. Others have the freedom to adopt whatever they want immediately. Regardless of the situation, everyone should take the necessary time to develop a thorough comprehension about how we live. Spending time as a "free agent" is a healthy practice.

Online can be a wonderful resource to learn the basic ideas about the lifestyle. Also, interacting with others who "live" this way of life is helpful to get their input on things. However, I must caution about putting too much stock into one person's opinion. The truth is that you cannot be sure that you are dealing with someone who really lives this way of life. There are a lot of pretenders running around on the web. Taking time to learn will enable you to sniff out those who are playing games.

Relationships are about developing bonds. Take your time to interact with people you find online. Seek to move those relationships forward by getting off the computer and into real time human interaction. This would be face-to-face contact if in the same area or, at a minimum, telephone interaction. After this is done, then you can see where the relationship starts to progress. If there is a connection, then forward progress will be made. But the need to rush headlong into something is ill-founded. Resist this temptation.

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