May 21, 2010

Conversion of Spouse

As I always try to share from my experience, this post is going to take the perspective of a submissive who found this life and is interested in having a spouse join in. The reason I am doing this is because I have yet to come across the opposite where a dominant wants to approach the spouse about this way of life. That is not to say it does not exist, just that I never personally talked to anyone in that situation.

Most Start Vanilla

Because of the way society trains us to believe, most of us begin our relationship journeys pursuing the traditional model. This is what we know and are led to think is the path to happiness. Many of us follow this advice for years before we realize that it simply is not for us. Perhaps we went through a couple of marriages in addition to a host of other relationships. There are instances were children are a result of some of those relationships. These are all factors that need consideration when moving into this way of life.

Naturally, not all who come upon this lifestyle are unhappy with their present situation. Many people are in successful marriages when finding BDSM. However, they find that even though they are content with their partner, they desire a bit more. This is where some of the conflict begins to arise.

It is amazing how people suddenly get the desire to take their vanilla marriage and move it to a full blown BDSM relationship. Again, I am going from the submissive (mostly female) perspective and wanting to get her husband to be a Dom. I cannot tell you the number of people who told me they want their husband to take complete control. They ask "how can I get him to do that"? A better question is how do you make a pig sing?

Internal Tendencies

I am a believer that we all have internal tendencies towards either submission or domination. It is something that might be hidden from us, especially on the dominant side since society promotes against the idea. However, whenever we find an opportunity to engage in this behavior, our natural inclinations can take over. Now, please bear in mind that a natural tendency does not make one a Master or slave. Training is still a part of the process. Nevertheless, the desire is a starting point.

Getting back to the prospect of converting a vanilla person, I believe that most times it is a fruitless proposition. Typically, the spouse of the one who is doing the searching is perfectly happy with the dynamic of the relationship. Sure he might enjoy some kinkier play. But the thought of actually controlling all aspects of the relationship is not to his liking. Many get into relationships with the idea of having an equal partner to share all aspects of life with. Equality is not part of the BDSM life. This is a path that purposely opts for inequality.

Implementing BDSM

So how do you go about if this is the situation that you find yourself in. Well, I would say that you need to accept the fact that this is going to be a slow process in most instances. Some might take to this life instantly. However, I found most who are willing to move towards it do so at a paced manner.

The first thing that I would do is to start getting him reading about what aspects of the life interest you. See what his reaction is. Let him know what your desires are and how you would like to see him fulfill them. Like all things, communication is key. You have a better chance the more you are able to talk about things.

Another suggestion is to be prepared to back off after the initial introduction. It often is best to let an idea sit and ferment. As mentioned, few take to this immediately. There is a chance he will be more accommodating to things if it is presented slowly. Let him adjust. Going straight from vanilla to a full blown M/s relationship, as an example, is not likely to happen.

Some will find that there is a dominant desire dwelling within him. It is possible that this is natural for him even though society promoted the idea of equality. Nevertheless, this does not guarantee that he will be accepting of the change in his relationship. Many do like the equality that a vanilla relationship provides.

Ultimately, you might find that the bedroom activities are all that he is interested in exploring. This is a terrific starting place and probably where most people involved in BDSM reside. Of course, this brings up the question of whether this is enough for you or not. The ones I came across seem to want the total domination that M/s offers. Therefore, I can only conclude that this type of person is seeking a lot more than just being sexually controlled.

The bottom line is that not all people are cut out to live this way. Those who look for it are going after a yen that is within them.. Yet it is unfair to presume that everyone will like this. Be careful with trying to convert someone from the vanilla world. There is a better-than-average chance that he will not take to it. That is just my experience.

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Anonymous said...

I agree with you; probably 99 percent of the marriages/relationships I've run across online that tried to go from vanilla to BDSM-D/s, the woman was the initiator.

There was one married guy with a blog years ago who had been reading some of our blogs and wanted his wife to be submissive to him like we were, so he sent her to several of us D/s bloggers at the time.

She was *pissed off*. She wrote we were terrible people, that our husbands/Doms were abusive, that she would NEVER allow her husband to treat her the way we were treated and her husband quickly backed off.

But that's the only one I know of where the husband tried to convert the wife, you're right, it's almost always the other way around. (By the way, they ended up eventually going to marriage counseling, separating, writing really nasty stuff about each other on their blogs, a real train-wreck and then finally the blogs were taken down; I assumed they didn't make it. Sad, but seemed like they just weren't able to communicate well. I mean, her reaction was so extreme to our blogs that it was obvious he was completely off-base with her. If he didn't know that she'd be that angry, then he obviously knew very little about his wife in the first place)

The biggest mistake I think couples make when they try to "convert" is they go too fast. And I know how exciting it all is (we were lucky, neither of us had to convert, he pegged me as a sub right off the bat and I kinda gulped and wondered how did he know that??!!?? lol "It's a secret, damn it!" lol) but in almost every case where it failed (and it seems to me that conversion almost always fails), it seems like the biggest issue was they went too quickly and it overwhelmed them.

Anyway, interesting topic, thanks.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for your postings I enjoy reading them.

Anonymous said...

My husband is a Dom but I'm very new too all of this and I want to make our marriage work.We've been together for four years and he still tells me I'm not mentally ready for going beyond kink in our relationship. I've tried to include as much D/s rules and guide lines he has put forward in our everyday lives as well as in the bedroom but he's still hesitant.I need some help with were too go from here.We have kids together and are trying but he says I'm to vanilla to ever be any thing more than I want us to work in ky

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Tony Conrad on May 24, 2018 at 4:24 AM said...

I the husband brought this up in our marriage many years ago. It wasn't really bdsm just spanking which I had always fantasised about. I asked her to do it and she did and has become very comfortable and confident with it over the years. I can't imagine not having it now. Our marriage is good and a happy one. She always tries to submit to me but I don't dominate her.


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