July 23, 2011

Dominating From Fear

I often write about the tendency for people to use fear as a tactic for domination. Of course, this is not domination to me but, rather, domineering. People of this ilk tend not to know what the lifestyle is all about. Being a bully is not dominating yet many seem to think this is how a relationship is run.

Weakness Versus Strength

To properly dominate, one needs to come from a place of strength. Many enter the lifestyle believing that simply because he or she has a natural tendency to dominate, that is sufficient. This is completely incorrect. Often, those who fall into this category succumb to the need to use fear to control. My belief is because this is the only emotion they really are intimate with.

Anyone who comes from a place of fear is showing weakness. When fear controls our decisions (i.e. lives), then that person is continually beaten. Fear is an awful Master. To properly dominate another human being requires strength.

Domination is a quality that is placed in many naturally. However, simply because the quality exists does not mean this person is able to control. As I often point out, the process of dominating begins with oneself. If one has no control over his or her decisions, feelings, and actions, then how in the world could that person expect to effectively control another?

Those who take the time to battle fear have the opportunity to operate from a place of strength. Learning the psychological and mental aspects of domination enables one to move away from the fear-based tactics. Nevertheless, this can only result if the individual is able to manage his or her own fears. This truly is what separates the true Masters and Mistresses from the pretenders.

A Hundred Forms

Fear can manifest itself in hundreds of different forms. We are all aware of terror, dread, and anxiety. However, it is important to remember that fear emerges in other ways. And, the psychiatry profession hands out scripts like Pez to combat this single emotion.

The greatest impact fear has is in the area of self confidence. Those who do not manage fear and allow it to dominate the decision-making process tend to have esteem problems. Fear is a relentless attacker who delves into the psyche taking more and more. The result, after decades, is a person who is completely enslaved.

Of course, when we focus our attention on the BDSM world, we can see how a person of this design has a difficult time controlling another. He or she is naturally going to operate from a place of fear since that is what is known. This means that the only technique utilized is fear. Those without self confidence cannot effectively dominate. It is that simple.

I will caveat by saying that those who approach this lifestyle with the intention of learning and understanding will, proportionately speaking, have better esteem than those who come from the place that "I am a natural dominant". The reason is that "know-it-alls" are simply covering up the fact that they do not know. It is impossible for anyone to know everything. A person with healthy esteem can admit this. Yet one with low confidence cannot own up to this because he or she believes others will think less of him/her. It is absurd but this is the thought process.

Cockiness is another sign that a person lacks the proper self confidence to dominate. Again, we see a person who appears one way while actually compensating for an internal lack. This is obvious in the abusers who feel the need to bully another. Anyone who studied psychology at any basic level knows exactly what this person is doing. Sadly, most succumb to it because they does not have this knowledge.

Therefore, the key is to find the person who is confident without being arrogant. At times this can be difficult to distinguish. However, with some practice you can pick up on the motivating factor rather easily. A confident person will make a statement without the need to continually defend. He or she will maintain a consistent demeanor regardless of the situation. Ultimately, a person of this nature understands that he or she will be able to transcend the present circumstances. This is confidence. He or she does not have to convince you with words because ultimately the actions taken will win another over. A confident person carries a demeanor that says "I am in control of myself first and foremost". This is a far cry from that of the cocky person who is busy telling everyone how great he or she is.

Remember this the next time you encounter a supposed dominant online. Ask yourself, is this person coming from a place of confidence or cockiness? The answer will reveal a great deal about the person.

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