July 14, 2010

Limits


When I surf around the different BDSM websites that I like to visit, I see wide opinions concerning limits. I am amazed how a group of people with similar experiences have such a differing view on this topic. Today, I will attempt to clarify what I perceive as some misconceptions concerning limits.

No Limit Slave

This is an idea that I see referred to all the time. People typically will advertise themselves as a "no limit slave". Or, they will state that they are seeking a slave with no limits. While we are engaging in fantasy, let us dwell upon our Christmas lists in hopes that Santa and the Easter Bunny will show up with a bag full of kinky treats. It ain't going to happen.

The idea of a "No limit slave" is total fantasy. This person does not exist. We should all cease to mention and promote the concept. It only leads to misinformation and confusion. Newer people believe this is something that is attainable. Sadly, they mentally abuse themselves since they fall short of this ideal. In the end, the myth causes great destruction.

If anyone is taking exception to this at this point, I would have you consider what you would allow me to do to you (if you are a slave). You proclaim to be no limit. If that is the case, let me cut off your arms and beat you over the head with them. Someone who truly is no limit would not have a problem with the loss of limbs. As long as it fulfills the Master's desire, so the thinking goes, then it is appropriate.

Of course, many counter that this is not part of the philosophy of SAFE, sane, and consensual. Well, my argument is that, according to this mindset, I am free to do with as I wish to my property. Therefore, if I want to destroy it, thus reducing its value by cutting off limbs, that is within my right. A no limit slave would go along with this.

Therefore, everyone has limits.

Hard Limits

There are two types of limits that we encounter. The first are hard limits. This is an area that people often confuse with the second type of limit. A hard limit is basically something that one cannot do under any circumstance. Many of these limits are universal and fall under the category of commonly held practices. For example, with the exception of a few, most people have the involvement of children as a hard limit. This is a line they will not cross no matter who or what is directing them. I would say that 98%+ agree with this limit.

Another way hard limits arise is in terms of the psychological state of the individual. Many suffered horrific abuse that was not dealt with. In my book, An Owned Life, I relate the story of one who was sexually abused by her dad and his friends over the years. This was a situation that she never handled with the help of a professional therapist. For this reason, a blindfold was a hard limit for her since she flashbacked to the prior abuse. As long as she could see during the scene, she was fine. However, cover her eyes and her mind drifted. For this individual, a blindfold is a hard limit.

The bottom line with hard limits is that there needs to be a valid reason for the limit.

Soft Limits

This is the second kind of limit we encounter and is by far the most common. People's hard limits are often nothing more than soft limits. This is a limit that a Dom/Master should work on helping one overcome. The individual might think this is something that he/she would never do. However, it is a limit that is to be explored.

To quickly shed light on what falls in this category, I will mention the "Eeew that is gross" concept. I often hear people respond when something is mentioned. Guess what, just because you think it gross, does not make it a hard limit. Those who are in a total power exchange relationship know that their consent in this regard is not required. A gross activity is still something that can be engaged in. Dislike is not a valid reason to make something a hard limit.

Another way that a limit exists is because someone has not worked up to overcoming it. For example, many think that paddling is a hard limit for them. Yet, when trained by an experienced person who knows how to push a limit without causing harm, one realizes that their level of acceptance of pain will grow over time.

Soft limits exist but should diminish over time as trust and experience with a particular Master grows.

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4 comments:

xantu on July 14, 2010 at 4:20 PM said...

I have been with my Master for 20+ years. Of course I have limits, HIS limits. In reality he is far more conservative and level headed than I am. The one and only time I tried to talk to him about "my" limits ended disastrously. He was vastly offended that I would even think he would consider any of that "stuff"... offended and angry. So I trust him and his limits. So yes, my limits are the limits he decides I have.

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