May 26, 2010

Missing Opportunities


Just when I think I have an understanding of how people are, I am amazed at the lengths people will go to keep their illusions alive. There was one who I chatted with the other day who literally made me shake my head. How can one not see what was right in front of her?

Long Distance Relationships

Everyone knows the difficulty in dealing with long distance relationships. This is not something that is exclusive to the BDSM community. Many have separation for their loved ones for reasons beyond their control. There are men and women fighting in distant lands fulfilling their military commitments while leaving behind lovers and children. At the same time, people are off in foreign lands working to provide an income for their families. These people can attest to the turmoil faced when trying to live with this separation. Sustaining a relationship is not easy.

Love is a part of many BDSM relationships. The feelings expereince with this life are the very same as those in the vanilla world. It is just as easy to be attached to a Master as it is a husband. In fact, it is not uncommon for Master/Dom and slave/sub to be married. Carrying on a BDSM relationship when there is separation is equally as difficult. The one left behind is responsible for handling all the household details. This can really be trying depending upon that person's position. A submissive is suddenly in charge of everything with the responsibility of making the decions which formerly the dominant one made. Simply, we see another layer of tension added to the equation.

The Online Dilemma

Many get involved in online relationships as their entry into this lifestyle. Without going into detail about the practicality of this or not, I will state this is instantly establishing a long distant relationship. The idea that one is starting out long distance makes the chances of success that much less. Many long term relationships succumb to the difficulties of distance even with a firm foundation in place. Adding the "factor" makes things remarkably more challenging.

That is not to say that many relationships did not get their start online and move into real time. However, the truth is that this medium allows for so much misinformation and misdirection. Scammers, con artists, and outright liars are plentiful. We see this in much of the spam we receive; offers of millions of dollars if we help the Prince of ABC country get out with the $35 million. In the end, there is no way of knowing whether someone is exactly what they proclaim.

Even if they are real, the problem arises in that one is instantly in a long distance situation. This is a situation that can be overcome with time and a willingness to relocate. However, I see so many who are "married" to the idea of one day being with this person that they completely overlook those who are geographically close. As I travel around the different BDSM dating sites, I often wonder how many of those who are "owned" are actually dealing with someone who is in the same zip code. The sad truth is that I believe most are involved in long distance online deals. While they are messing around with someone they probably will never meet, they are perhaps passing on potential opportunities right under their nose.

Taken To An Extreme

I encountered a situation that was taken to an extreme. Talk about someone who is holding out for a long shot. The situation was one where she was actually released since her "Master" was heading overseas. Evidently he had a dangerous job since there is no guarantee that he would survive (part of his reasoning for letting her go).

The woman who was left behind continually wonders why she has so much trouble finding someone to be with. She repeatedly talks about all the fakes she encounters. What this woman does not realize is that she cannot serve two Masters. She claims that her heart only belongs to him and she is hers if he ever returned. Obviously, her loyalty is something to be complimented. However, I would say that the fact that he let her go is his way of saying "move on".

What is the correct action for this woman? Naturally, I cannot answer that question. Each person is responsible for their own lives and doing what makes them happy. Perhaps remaining true to him is the best choice for her with a huge reward at the end. Certainly, if that is what gets her to the level of joy in her life, I hope it happens for her.

Nevertheless, what I can say is that most Doms/Masters seek to have loyalty and commitment from those who submit to them. The idea of one being "torn" will not sit well with most in my opinion. I can foresee many getting involved with her for play and to scene with. However, anyone who is seeking a relationship built around BDSM, especially M/s, is going to question her position. Loyalty cannot be divided. Therefore, this person's decision to have someone overseas "hold her heart" is causing her to miss opportunities here. Again, she might be making the absolute best choice. Then again, she might not be. I guess only time will tell on that matter.

Consider the full implications when you are dealing with someone from another part of the country (world). Ask yourself if there is something that you are giving up by committing to something that has a minimal chance of working out based upon the law of averages. Perhaps you might be better served waiting a little longer. Missed opportunities can be costly.

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