May 1, 2010

The Absent Dom/Master

Today I am going to write about something which I have seen many discussions on. This can center around a variety of reasons but the end result is the same. How can one be controlled/dominanted in the absence of a Dom/Master? What if the sub/slave is responsible for making decisions in his/her absence? Is this person any less submissive?

The Realities of Life

As we exit the inane mindset of the online players who think that BDSM is all chocolates and roses, we see that BDSM is a choice that does not exempt us from the realities of life. There are certain responsibilities that each of us must fulfill no matter what path we choose to follow. Family, financial, and health are just some of the issues that require our attention.

For this reason, the idea of living "24/7" is a pipedream for most. Few Doms have the financial resources to financially support a sub/slave. We live in a two-income society. Entering into BDSM does not absolve us of facing this reality.

Separation will occur when people embark on their work day. In my situation, both myself and my slave have full time positions. She works for a company that maintains long hours, thus lengthening the time we are apart. This reality stinks but the money she brings in is necessary. It allows for me to move our life forward in other ways.

Many find themselves in the same position. In fact, there are some who are separated for extended periods of time. Many, such as traveling salespeople, are on the road for days on end. This creates a dilemma where the one left behind is responsible for maintaining the domicile. This is where conflicts often ensue.

If the one who is home is the Dominant, is he/she less so because the domestic duties need attention? Or, if the sub is left behind, is he/she less so since other obligations and decisions will fall to that person? These are dynamics that few online consider but is a reality for many in our lifestyle.

What is Domination and Submission

The above questions can only be answered, in my opinion, after one looks at what domination and submission truly is. Many believe it is an act. I do not. Instead, I think both are mindsets that one takes. When one submits, he or she is adopting the mindset that this person is in control. Thus, physical presence is not necessary. It is possible to maintain one's place in spite of physical separation as long as the mindset still exists that of who is truly in charge.

I am a believer that online domination/submission can occur. It is something I was part of and have witnessed numerous times. Of course, there are many who approach this with nothing more than the "role playing" outlook. These are not the ones I am referring to. The ones who exhibit this viewpoint are those who truly commit to the one in question. Therefore, their behavior models that as if the person was there physically. This is the important distinction.

The same is true for those who are involved with people who are absent for brief periods of time. It is crucial that both parties behave is as the other is there. While a dominant might be forced to do the dishes, he/she is aware that the submissive one would be doing it if present. The same is true for the submissive who is forced to handle household obligations. Isnt he or she fulfilling service by handling the dominants affairs such as bill paying, etc...? I believe that is another service at its finest.

As you can see, it is the mindset that makes all the difference. In my case, my slave answers to another during her working hours. This is part of her job and anyone who is working knows we all have people to answer to. It is another one of those realities of life. Therefore, while she is working, her service is given to another. However, she is actually serving me since she is earning money for my household. I was the one who chose to allow her to have a job and am the one reaping the benefits. The fact that she answers to a manager while there does not diminish either my domination or her submission. We both know this. During those hours, she knows that I am still the one in control of her.

Taken into Poly

This moves me into another area of discussion as it pertains to poly. Many seem to feel that establishing a household based upon the old plantation concept is the path to take. For many it is. However, I would caution jumping to this conclusion too quickly.

The overriding belief is that one is going to act as "Mother Hen" for all the other slaves. This was the structure for the olden households where many people were involved in making the house operate. One thing that I like to mention is that these situations were more businesses than personal affairs. Those who were acting in these capacities were paid hands. Or, in the case of slavery, were people who showed the ability to lead. However, the major difference between that and poly (polyamorous) is that there usually was not the emotional connection between the owner of the house, the Mother Hen, and the others under her direction. It was a situation where each was more of an employee.

Of course, there is always a place where an experienced one will assist in showing anyone new the "ropes". In this scenario, a senior slave will have insight into what is required. Sharing this information is vital since it will assist in the transition and make the Masters affairs that much simpler. Anyone who withholds this information from a new one is showing him/herself to be insecure and selfish, thus deserving of punishment. A slave's place is always to make a Master's life easier.

Someone needs to be in charge in his/her absence

This is a false belief that many have when looking at a poly BDSM situation. When the Master is away, someone needs to be in charge. Therefore, the mindset is the senior one should monitor the behavior of the others. If that is the case, then my question is 'who is monitoring the senior slave'? Since the Master is away, who is going to ensure that he/she behaves in a proper manner? The answer is that nobody is.

The truth is that a Master needs to be able to trust one to do the bidding while he/she is gone. This is equally true for a senior as well as a newer slave. The expectation that each will behave as if he/she was present is not unrealistic. Of course, failure by either is subject to the proper punishment. Thus, the idea that someone need to be in charge while the Master is away is foolhardy. The truth is that the Master is still running the show even if not present. The mindset of the slaves should not change simply because One is not there. If it does, then the level of submission ought to be explored. Remember, we are dealing with a mindset here that should not waver based upon circumstances. That is the key.

Absence changes nothing

In the end, absence changes nothing. One who decided to submit is still under the control of another even when that person is gone. Simply because certain responsibilities will fall to that person in the Dom/Master's absence does not diminish the mindset. The actions change out of necessity but the viewpoint remains the same. We also see how the reverse is true. I am still in charge even when I am not present because I expect my slave to behave as if I was there. Altering her mindset shows manipulation, deception, and a lack of commitment to me and this way of life. When she opted to live 24/7, it meant that her mindset was one that put me first and foremost. What she does to serve will change. However, she is still serving me.

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