August 21, 2010

The Submissive Mindset

Today I am going to cover something that is crucial to success in a BDSM relationship. There are so many I encounter who want to profess to be submissive yet their actions go counter to this idea. Why is this? Are these people misleading? Do they really have a concept of what is going on? I feel the mindset tells the entire story.

It All Starts In The Head

The mind controls our lives. Whatever you want to experience, it all starts with an idea in our minds. All great accomplishments were at one time nothing more than thoughts. And, how we view the world is in direct relation to the way we think. You can research this idea by following countless authors on this subject. The bottom line is that our minds control what we do.

Being submissive is something that comes from within. Many relate to me how they felt when they first realized their submissiveness. It is a concept that came from deep within and finally hit the mind. This can take some time since my regular readers know I believe that the social conditioning of society goes contrary to this idea. We are taught to dominate and control. Giving power to another is thought of as a sign of weakness. Nevertheless, those who truly understand this way of life know different. Submissiveness is not equal to weakness.

Service is at the core of submission. When one turns power over, he or she is interested in serving that person. This mindset permeates in all his/her affairs. A person of this nature if a caregiver of sorts always looking for ways to be helpful.

Other Focused

Here is the biggest factor in the mindset of a submissive. It is my experience that a true sub/slave has a natural focus that is centered on others. This is something that comes natural to him or her. Compare this with the common self-centered focus. One who attempts to serve while being self focused is going to have issues.

There are many who are natural caregivers. Many researchers concluded that women are more naturally nurturing then men. This automatically makes a woman a better caregiver to children on average. Certainly there are exceptions but a case could be made in this regard.

We also see this mindset in certain professions. Many waiters/waitresses and nurses choose these fields for the opportunity to provide service to others. They want to contribute and help other people. Their work days are filled with focusing their efforts on the needs of other people.

Does this make everyone in those fields submissive? Of course not. The point I am making is that some have a natural mindset that puts the attention on another person. This is a powerful aspect for a successful sub/slave to have. Whenever one enters into a BDSM relationship where there is the exchange of power, focus shifts from the needs of the submissive to that of the dominant.


Selfishness is something that affects everyone from time-to-time. There is not a person in the world who will not think about him or herself periodically. It is a natural and not something to get upset with if you are a submissive in a relationship. We naturally think of how things are going to affect us. The self-preservation mechanism that is within all of us kicks in whenever we are uncertain. This does make one not qualified to serve.

That being said, there are many who approach this life with the stated idea of serving yet are overwrought with selfishness. Every action is played out from this core. These people will think of themselves first. Many times it is something the person is not conscious of but does occur. Ultimately, in my experience, this is a boundary that most cannot seem to overcome.

BDSM success, like most relationships, hinge on the little things. What makes one a good slave can be isolated to the small actions taken on a daily basis. Does she automatically offer you another drink when your glass is empty? Will she ensure that your food is prepared before making her own? Who's clothing does she set out first? These little actions will not make or break a relationship in and of themselves. Nevertheless, they do show where one's mind is most of the time. The one who is doing these things shows herself to be one who focuses upon the needs of the Dom/Master first. And, the reverse is also true.

Be mindful of the concept discussed here. This is a true barometer that you can apply in judging what type of sub/slave one will be. I found it is not something that can be faked.

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blueberry said...

I think these are traits that are important for anyone in a healthy relationship, dom/sub or vanilla.

Debutant Divorcee on May 24, 2014 at 9:38 AM said...

My Sir likes me to beg. It's been very hard cause I am in protection mode and don't want to feel hurt. But If I am asking for attention. What should I expect? I need an example to understand. Should I keep on begging or should I stop? How does it work. In vanilla if I beg men just withdraw. How is this different in the power-exchange?

Masta Kush on June 18, 2016 at 10:57 PM said...

My wife/sub had this issue. I'm sure your dom would like you to keep begging until you either get what you're asking for or he orders differently. As always, if you are unsure, then ask your dom. ;)

Masta Kush on June 18, 2016 at 10:58 PM said...

My wife/sub had this issue. I'm sure your dom would like you to keep begging until you either get what you're asking for or he orders differently. As always, if you are unsure, then ask your dom. ;)

Anonymous said...

I am a sub that is very new to the lifestyle. The day Sir met me he automatically identified me as a submissive and keeps asking me to this day how I knew to act as I did. I was just being me. He wanted me then and I was his. Since then he has gotten upset with me on a few occasions because I haven't done some of the things you mentioned. Like making sure his food is prepared first. He assumes that particular struggle has something to do with the fight for food in my adolescence. Can a sub be natural without exhibiting every natural tendency or will I always have trouble thinking of myself first? I LOVE being submissive. I now truly feel that I understand myself for the first time ever. I don't think I can live without Sir's loving guidance and care. I know though that if I can't control myself then I am not being fair to him. That would devastate the both of us.

Anonymous said...

I feel like being selfish is the only way for me to stay submissive 24/7. How is that possible? I am being selfish because I thrive on being submissive. I crave it. I enjoy serving my master. Everything I do is a service to him and therefore a service to myself.

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