That being said, it is understandable for people to be "gunshy" of newer ones. The tendency is not to give people the benefit of the doubt but to presume guilt immediately. The defenses are instantly up in an effort to protect oneself. This is a natural process for anyone who experiened the lies and manipulation of the fakes.
Real But No Congruent
I am going to shift the focus away from the fakes since it is not the basis of this article. The point is raised to make one aware of the mindset that many people have when dealing with others. There are a lot of games played online and many are leery. This is something to overcome when you are dealing with someone new. Each of your actions must align with what you are stating.
This leads us to those who are honestly interested in this lifestyle. They are not pretenders since their desire is genuine. While there is a chance their ideas are a bit misguided, they will be true in their statements and intentions.
However, the million dollar dilemma is how can anyone know one's sincerity with his/her intentions? The fakes present a convincing argument as to the validity of their desires. Anyone who experienced the process of dealing with one of these individuals knows how easy it is to buy into what they are stating. This puts those who are truly seeking a BDSM relationship at greater risk of not being believed.
Therefore, we turn to the actions of a person to determine what they are after. It is easy to write or state what you are wanting; it is a completely different manner in getting your actions to align with those statements. Those who are genuine do their best to make all things match up. The fakes will state one thing while doing something completely opposite. In the end, their actions do not coincide.
Congruence is something that all should look for. And, it is something that you should pay attention to when trying to attract the interest of another. Without it, I would say the chances of success are minimized.
Consideration Period
Many will use this term which describes the timeframe which a sub or slave is considered by a Dom/Master. Basically, it is a getting to know period. This is where limits are established, common interests revealed, and the overall interaction is formulated. It is a "BDSM dating" period.
This is the time when one wants to make a terrific impression. Of course, this only happens with those who are truly genuine in their intentions. The fakes could care less about making an impression since there no desire to move forward. Real people want to move the relationship to another level if there is a basis for doing so.
I believe errors made during this time are what causes a great deal of heartache. Many fail to realize the importance of seeking congruence at this stage. If that person is a dominant, he or she buys into the words while ignoring the actions. This is where the fakes excel. Anyone who falls into this trap will find pain shortly thereafter. When the actions fail to match the words, often there is a reason for concern. While there is a chance the person is a bit "flighty", there is a better chance a reason exists for the difference. At a minimum, further questioning is needed.
On the submissive side, those seeking another push people away without realizing how they are doing it. Again, many who experienced the fakes are on guard. The defenses are up. Whenever a lack of congruence is noticed, this prevents further penetration. Many will pull back at this point believing you are just another pretender playing games. Have you ever wondered why you suddenly ran into a steel door with your interaction? Perhaps the actions did not match what you were saying.
Both sides have to monitor what is going on. I am not stating that the dominants have a pass in this area. They are equally involved in terms of having to be sincere in what they say and do. Submissive types ought to apply the same judgment that a dominant is doing. There is high probability that both sides experienced harm in the past due to an encounter with a pretender.
Do What You Say and Say What You Mean
This is a lesson for all of life. Applying it to our situation here, we can now see how important it is for us to present an image that allows one to formulate true decisions. The fakes are trolling for those who are willing to set common sense aside and believe whatever is stated. This is where people get hurt. Applying sound reasoning will allow you to move past the fakes immediately.
If you are interested in a particular aspect of this life, be sure that you are doing the things that make one believe what you say. For example, are you stating that you are interested in getting involved in a M/s relationship yet not abiding by the commitments you make? Are you claiming to be a single person without children yet unavailable at those times when one usually is able to interact? Things of this nature begin to raise the red flag with others. On the flip side, if you are getting this from another, you should raise some concerns also. Stating one thing yet doing another is always a basis for questioning.
Doing what you say is most important early in the interaction. This is when the trust level is at it's lowest. The lack of familiarity causes the aforementioned defenses. As times passes, and the trust level grows, a person is more open to allowing another in. However, this is shattered if that person is deemed untrustworthy. A lack of congruence is considered by many to be a lie. Repeated behavior in this manner results in one closing down. Penetration simply becomes impossible.
Consider this when you are approaching a new person with whom you have an interest in. Be sure that your actions are matching what you say. The other person, if he or she read this post, is monitoring the situation with open eyes. Are you doing the same? Consider how your actions are perceived by the other person. It might be the one thing that instantly sabotages any chance of a relationship with that person. Ignorance is no excuse.
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