May 17, 2010

Being Committed To What You Want

It seems that each time I talk with someone who different, I am reminded of how important it is to be true to what you are seeking. Many enter this life not having any idea of what they truly want. Why should they since I believe that is true for most of the population walking the streets. Clarity is one of the first steps to success. Remaining committed to that outcome is the second.

Taking Anything

New people tend to want to jump in head first into a BDSM relationship without having any clue what will make them happy. It is baffling to see someone who suddenly came across this way of life enter into a M/s relationship without really understanding what that is. Each time I shake my head and tell myself "here is another one with no clue". It is a relationship that always ends up in heartbreak.

The same situations occurs when one exits a BDSM relationship. Here is someone who was involved with another person in, according to her words, a deep emotional relationship. Yet, we find this same person "collared" a couple of days later after the ending of the first relationship. How committed and deep was it if one is able to change gears and move on? And, what was it that caused the relationship to go awry? What was it that you missed that is important to you? Obviously, there is no reflection to ask these questions.

Many people will take anything. This is a statement that applies equally to both dominant and submissive persons. In one of my last posts, I mentioned that some would submit to/accept submission from a tree. When you see what happens, especially online, you will agree with this sentiment. People submit to one simply because he says he is a "Dom" (or Master). Never does it enter their mind to question the validity of what this person is truly about. They simply take the statements as fact.


The reality is that a BDSM relationship is no different than any other form of interpersonal communication that exists throughout our lives. The "dating" process that exists in the traditional world is present here. It is a "getting to know period". Too many overlook the fact that compatibility is necessary for success in any type of relationship, BDSM included.

While the dating process is an excercise in determining what one likes and doesnt like, there are some basics that are decided before going in. For example, sexuality is usually known before agreeing to go out with someone. While confusion can often exist, when one says yes to a guy for a date, there is a good chance she knows that she is heterosexual in some capacity. The same is said if one goes out with a member of the same sex. There is some basic interest in homosexuality in this case.

Another concept that this analogy shows is the idea that few immediately enter into a fully committed relationship. The dating process is one which gets more committed the longer people go together. Few go on the first date and end up married (other than those drucken flights to Vegas). However, it seems the opposite in the BDSM world, at least online. People are willing to be "collared" within days of chatting with someone. To me, this is akin to meeting someone in a coffee shop and being hitched by the weekend. We all know what we typically think of people who do this and how rare it is to see it work out.

The truth is that it takes a while for a true relationship to develop. My present slave and I are together about 2 years. The first year, due to geographics, were spent online. That time was used to get accustomed to each other. For the past year, we are 24/7. This is a period where a lot of learning occurred. Each day reveals more to each of us about the other person. The commitment was present a long time ago. However, the other issues involved in the relationship are garnering attention. I believe that is true for most people.

Decide What You Want

The Internet is a wonderful tool for information. There are plenty of resources which tell about different aspects of this life. While some are completely misleading, other provide sound experience written by people who lived this life for a long time. These are the people to listen to. If you travel around reading as many different resources as possible, you will start to notice commonalities among the "true" people. There will be patterns that emerge which you can often believe. Read it once-take it with a grain of salt; read the same thing 10+ times, it is usually correct. You should be able to gain a good understanding of any aspect of this life.

Armed with the proper information, you can begin to decide what you want within this lifestyle. Do you find yourself leaning more toward the extreme end of things or are you one who wants the lighter side of the life? If you are into extreme, then M/s, needle, and blood play might be of interest. Those who want the lighter will look to flogging, D/s, and light bondage. Please bear in mind that no choice is wrong. It is all about what works for you as an individual.

Once you decide what it is you are seeking, you need to resolve to be committed to finding that. There are so many who waffle back and forth as to what they will accept. It is important to remember that your search will not be easy. The online world is wrought with fakes, pretenders, and disappointment. We all encounter the same thing. Persistence is something that is required. Some are fortunate to hit what they like the first time; most are not. It takes a while to sift through all that doesnt work before finding what does.

This approach will increase your likelihood of success. If you are seeking a BDSM relationship with deep romance, then getting involved with someone who isnt leaning that way will create frustration. The same is true if you are geared to living in a 24/7 TPE relationship and you get with one who is a Dom as opposed to a Master. Being committed to what you want is so important. There will be opportunties for you to "settle". You must resist this temptation for your own happiness. There are people in every area of the lifestyle we can think of. The key is to find them. This will take some time. But, it can be done. Just remember to hold out for what you are seeking. You will be a lot happier if you do.

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Alujna on May 17, 2010 at 6:36 AM said...

while most people struggle with clarity, i have a problem with remaining committed to the outcome. I always start something i like but don't end up following through. I've been trying for months now, but the max it lasts for is 1 week. I am going to keep on trying. Hopefully one of these days i can follow through.
I know in this instance you are talking about a relationship, but this is one area i don't think i will have a prob. 'cause even though i am quick to get angry, i am also quick to apologise and quick to forgive.

Lilli on May 17, 2010 at 2:43 PM said...

Yet another great post! i am fast becoming addicted to your blog because you talk a lot of sense and give such sound advice...
I have actually come to this conclusion myself (to take it slow and wait) and to read your words just confirms that i am doing the right thing:
as i have mentioned before i have spoken to many 'Doms' online and quickly worked out most will tell you whatever you want to hear, lol, if they think it will get them somewhere.
I have met someone but for now, i am actually concentrating on the vanilla side of our compatibility as much as the bdsm side, because as this is about so much more than just sex for me if we dont 'get' each other in day to day life i cant see how it would last long term.
I need to feel his domination in all aspects, not just the bedroom, and you cant possibly know that about a person in just a couple of days. I wouldnt want to give my body, heart and soul to a man only to find out a few months down the line that he was just a vanilla guy into kinky sex (which, unfortunately, is looking to be the case with my man......we;ll see, time will tell).
By not rushing into it and taking your time you can at least accept if it doesnt work and walk away without too much heartache.

Thankyou, after reading this post i feel i am absolutely doing the right thing. :)

~L. x

Anonymous said...

Great post.

The only thing I have to add is that, sometimes newbies to the bdsm world (just like me) don't know yet what they want, what they like. I know I'm willing to try a bunch of stuff, you never know if you'll like it or not. But only with the right Master. One I'll be confortable with, One that I'll trust. One that will gett inside my head and that will make me want to submit to Him.

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