Sub versus Slave

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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The Online BDSM Scam

This is not going to be an attack on the entire BDSM world. However, there is a segment, a large one in my opinion, that does not have proper intentions when interacting with others online. The sad thing is that people are so gullible when it comes to this way of life as to fall for what is being said. I am going to relate to you the story of a girl who I had a chat with. Now, before anyone judge her, I can assure you, this story is very common. It is happening everyday. I am writing this as a warning to all who seek this way of life.

New To BDSM

As you can imagine, the person I am referring to is new to the BDSM world. She is one of those people who is convinced she is a slave. In chatting with her, she revealed that she had an online Master. This information was revealed to me during our second conversation. During the first one, she mentioned that she is married with children to a man who is vanilla. He is not interested in living in a domination/submission relationship whatsoever. Therefore, she is caught between living in a vanilla relationship and wanting a BDSM one.

Before going any further, I will mention that many are caught in a similar situation. Society promotes the vanilla way of life and most of us follow this path. This results in getting involved in marriages and having children before we determine what we want. We think that we are follow the way to happiness based upon what we are taught. Thus, when we encounter the BDSM world, we are stuck in a position of having to deal with the results of our prior choices. Oftentimes, one commits to this way of life but needs to go through a period of dealing with the prior decisions before moving forward. This is something that can take years.

Getting back to my conversation with this woman, she also revealed that her husband caught her a number of times on cam with her online Master. This led me to ask how long she was involved with this one online. Not surprisingly, she said they were interacting for a few weeks. Well, how is that for a strong emotional bond.

Where is the common sense?

I often wonder how people can fall for such bullshit. During the course of our conversation, she mentioned that he (the Master) told her that he is willing to move closer to her. Of course he is. She is falling for this hook, line, and sinker.

Where is the common sense? Obviously, this person's marriage is experiencing difficulties before she embarked on her online journey. However, to further risk her marriage over something that most likely is not real is insane. What happened to the common sense this person was born with? Sadly, it seems that common sense flies out the window the second one enters into this lifestyle.

Questioning

Like I am sure most of you have already concluded, I was starting to get suspect about this particular Master. Therefore, I asked her about his experience in the lifestyle. For example, how long has he been it in? How many BDSM relationships has he been in? Does he own other slaves? Is he looking for a live in slave or will he maintain separate resident? Guess how many of these she knew the answer to? You guessed it. Zero. Her response was that he doesnt like questioning him.

Let me make one thing clear: if you are going to make a life decision that affects you and your children, you have the right to ask whatever you want. If you have difficulty remembering this sentence, write it down and memorize it. I do not care what position one says that he or she is, you have a right to know what you are getting yourself into. Anyone who fails to do this is foolhardy and stupid. Naivity is no excuse. Even if thinking is not your specialty, muster at least minimal sense for the sake of your children.

Here is another observation based upon my experience: I never met a true Master who was opposed to the questioning that I mention here. The only ones who object are those who are total fakes. Anyone who is around this lifestyle for any length of time knows how crucial safety is. Whenever dealing with someone new, precaution needs to be taken to ensure that he or she knows exactly what is expected. We also are aware that questioning is how people learn. Those who are fearful of being questioned are those who have something to hide.

The Scam

The sad truth is this scenario is played out everyday online. People are falling for this scam everyday. Those of us who are around a little while can see these people a mile away. They are often the ones on a BDSM site posting pics of their cocks. This shows that they have little idea what BDSM is truly about. They believe it is sexual and that the size of their dick makes a difference. Being a Master has nothing to do with the length of your peepee.

I am all for trying to protect newer people from the vultures that exist online. However, at what point does the responsibility fall to them. If someone is going to act so foolishly as to fall for something like this, then isnt the results deserved. How bad do we feel for the guy who gets conned into buying the Brooklyn Bridge (or Big Bed for the UK readers)? Some cannot be helped no matter what measures are instilled.

Why does this scam work? My belief is because so many want to claim that online is real. My opinion is that it is not. The Internet is called "virtual" for a reason. It mimics life but is not a replacement for it. Those who live online tend to believe they have real relationships when, in fact, they know little about these people. The anonymity of the web allows anyone to create whatever persona he or she desires.

The Choice

People who find themselves in the situation as this woman have a choice to make. This decisions needs to be arrived at before any interaction within the lifestyle can take place. The choice is between the present situation and the lifestyle. It is not a choice between a husband/wife and a Master/Mistress. Rather, it is the election of living one's life a certain way. This often is a difficult decision.

I mentioned in my book, An Owned Life, that people need to go through the 3 Step Submission Process. It is the only way I found for people to have successful BDSM relationships. Failure to follow the proper order results in a train wreck. The first step is for one to become committed to this way of life. This is done before any Master or Mistress is obtained. Trying to reverse this means that your decision is dependent upon the other person. This can never work out well since people are apt to let us down. They are fallable. And, since most find that reality rarely mimics online, they are disappointed when their polyanna relationship turns bad. In the end, many leave the lifestyle because of a bad experience with another person. The lifestyle never had a chance.

Therefore, you need to choose first whether this is the life that you want to live. Like everything else in life, each direction requires some sacrifices. Opting to move into this lifestyle risks alienating those closest to us. Many do not understand how we live and why we want to do this. At the same time, selecting to remain in the vanilla world means that one might miss a lifestyle that is the answer for him or her. However, only that person can choose.

Be Mindful

Be aware of who you are interacting with when you are chatting with people online. The truth is that you do not know who you are dealing with. Unless people are willing to reveal personal details about themselves, then you are flying blind. And, this can be a very dangerous thing. We all read the stories about those who meet death by trusting the wrong online predator. Most of the scammers are harmless but some are outright dangerous. Being mindful of your welfare is of utmost importance.

Remember, the same rules of human interaction that exist in the real world apply online. If something seems out of sorts with an individual, it usually is. At the core of every BDSM relationship is a relationship. The same rules apply as they always have. Human interaction hasnt changed in thousands of years. Common sense is still your best weapon against the scammers. Use it.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.