Total Power Exchange
This is where a great deal of the confusion comes into the picture. There are many who write stuff about the M/s lifestyle who go counter to this idea. Somehow they believe that M/s does not require a total exchange of power. I strongly disagree. This is the fundamental fact that separates M/s from D/s.
In a true Master/slave relationship, all power resides in the hands of the Master (Mistess). This is unequivicol. The slave retains no rights whatsoever. When opting for this structure, one is agreeing to give all control over to the other. He or she simply becomes another piece of property to be used as the Master sees fit. Whatever the decision, it is up to her to follow and obey. Each task needs to be completed to the best of her ability.
I encounter so many who are ready to agree to this idea. However, they usually are the ones who believe they are online slaves. M/s cannot occur online. It is impossible to serve via the Internet. (More on that in a moment). Another fundamental quality of M/s is that a slave is there to serve. Her position is to do things that make her Master's life easier. It is not for her to co-dictate what transpires. If that were the case, the breakdown of power would be split. This is not what occurs in M/s.
Service
This is another point that is lost when talking with these "slaves". They totally overlook the fact that their entire existence, if they are true slaves, is to serve. Many state they are sex slaves only. Therefore, they do not tend to the chores that require attention. There service is in the bedroom only. Once again, this is incorrect. While many domination/submission relationships are structured this way, it is not one of Master/slave. Instead, it is another form of D/s. The submissive is a sub as opposed to a slave. The reasoning is she retains some rights and say so over her life. A slave does not enjoy this luxury.
Slavery means that you do whatever is required of you. Your service is based upon the needs of the Master, not your own. As I am writing this, my slave is ironing clothes before she heads off to work. Part of her service to me is earning income which is turned over to me to lighten my financial burden. She is also responsibile for all household chores. Finally, she is the one who runs the different errands that I need handled such as going to the library and paying the water bill. These are activities that I need completed which fall to her as my slave.
Notice how my sexual needs are not even mentioned. I can tell you this is a part of her service but not her main calling in life. Like anyone else, I have a life outside the bedroom. Therefore, I have responsibilities which I turn over to her for completion. In each situation, I expect her to finish the required task unless there is a viable reason why it cannot be.
Property
This is another concept that is overlooked by many. Few can truly imagine the length that one needs to travel to deflate the natural ego whereby the proper mindset is acquired. Thinking of oneself as property is a challenge and goes against the natural teachings of society. We are all raised to believe that we are important; that our individuality matters. Opting to live as a slave means that you adopt a lifestyle where you are secondary. Everything is done in an effort to benefit the Master.
Another aspect of this idea is that anything you are granted is only by choice. A slave has a right to nothing. Many seem to want to instill many the qualities of a traditional relationship into M/s. These seem to think that it is a basic relationship with some kink. As you can guess, I believe this is incorrect.
One thing that often arises in conversations is the idea that a Master might bring in other slaves. Many seem to claim that they only want a monogamous relationship. Again, this is something that I believe is a wonderful way for people to go. However, in a true M/s situation, the Master has the right to interact with whomever he so chooses. Getting back to the property idea, a lounge chair is not going to get upset if you buy another lounge chair for the room. Property has no say in the moves you make. The same is true here.
Jealousy is an animal that is difficult to harness. However, it can only serve to destroy a Master/slave relationship. A Master has a right not only to bring another in, but also to interact with each person as he sees fit. Many slaves believe they have some say or that they will retain the primary role. Nothing is further from the truth. A slave can be cast aside while being relegated to menial tasks if that is what the Master chooses. Certainly, there are times it is not a pleasant way to live.
Online Slavery
To me, online slavery is nothing more than role playing. As mentioned, service is a vital component to any M/s situation. That being said, I fail to see how one can serve another while online. From what I have seen, online M/s becomes a camming session with sex being the only criteria for submission. In fact, other than having one masturbate for you, what else can she accomplish online? How can she do your laundry, clean the house, run errands, or pay bills? The answer is that she cannot. Online becomes a way for people to assume certain roles. That is all.
One sidenote on this idea, online can be a beginning of a real time M/s relationship. Therefore, some training can occur in terms of making a slave aware of the expectations that one will have. Testing her with tasks such as writing or mailing you things is a terrific way to see her commitment. However, this is not to be mistaken for a true M/s situation. Many will tell there "Master" they are following his orders while simply ignoring the request. And, even if she is found out, what is he to do.
The bottom line is so much fraud is present in the online BDSM world because it is so easy to mimic reality. Anyone can read a few blog posts then proclaim to be anything he or she wants. In the end, truth is based upon the word of the other person. Sadly, this often lacks much integrity. I heard of one woman who has 18 Masters at the same time. I am certain at least a few of them believed she was real. How mistaken they are.
For Only A Few
The reality of the M/s world is that only a few have the makeup to live as slaves. It is not an easy road to travel. There are many times where there is a great deal of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Under normal conditions, one might have a say in how things proceed forward. Not in M/s. The Master is the one in control and he has the ability to change the structure of the relationship at any time. Perhaps he decides to bring in a new one and lavish all the attention on her. Or, perhaps he opts to make you a houseslave only. Or, maybe he decides to send you out to do two jobs. Or, he may tell you to service all his friends and loan you out on weekends. Whatever the choice, it is his to make and yours to obey.
Does this sound radical to you? For many it is. The fundamental makeup of M/s is too extreme for the majority. While they want to proclaim themselves slaves, they cannot overcome the cries of the ego for individual satisfaction. A true slave gains pleasure through serving. This is another one of those ideas which is counter to our culture but crucial if one is to live as a slave. Personal gain is removed from one's life. Everything you have is no longer yours. The exchange of power is in full effect 24/7. And, there is nothing you can do to alter that reality. This is what being a slave really is.
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31 comments:
As usual I agree with what you've written. Thank you for throwing in a disclosure about how M/s relationships can start online but can not fully be online. At first I scrunched my nose at that section but then you went on to state that the online period can be a time where the slave learns what is expected of her. Since one of my rules is to run 3 times a week I know that this will continue to be expected of me when I move in with Master (a mere 3 weeks away!)
To the person who claimed to have 18 masters that's just ridiculous.
And to your last part of this post, the things a Master wishes to do with his property are up to him yes, but it's also why it is so important to communicate with "potential Masters" before devoting yourself to any of them.
My Master is monogamous but as you stated it is entirely up to him to decide if he wants to change that or not. As to jealousy, it's a relationship killer no matter what kind of relationship you're in. Vanilla, or BDSM. My ex boyfriend (who was master of none) was so jealous he would get pissy if I merely smiled at another guy, even if the guy happened to be our waiter while we were on a date! Needless to say he's an ex for a reason, and that was way before I learned my submissive side even existed. But I digress...
Thank you for this post. I love how you clarify what being a Master and being a slave is on your blog posts. I love knowing that someone else out there actually gets it and at the same time isn't trying to cause drama! I appreciate the way you word things too.
On a side note I'm on An Owned Life I'm just not very active this week because I've been so busy!
-ariia
The reality of the M/s world
But there is no "reality" of the M/s world, the concept is pure fantasy whether it's online or face-to-face. You can pretend it's real, you can live your whole life pretending it's real but the fantasy remains "reality" only so long as the each side continues to pretend to believe it.
Therefore, your entire piece is specious, because it is based upon something that is so subjective and personal and most of all, fantasy-driven, that no one person cannot possibly set up some kind of official set of definitions of "what it means to be a slave".
It means what it means to the individuals involved and as long as they feel satisfied and fulfilled, and as long as they are willing to buy into their own personal fantasy, then that's all that matters and it's really nobody's business to judge them or say that their version of P/E is not as valid as someone else's.
It's like saying one fiction novel is not as "real" as another fiction novel. They are both equally real in that they are both fiction novels. One isn't "more" of a book than the other, they are both simply books with different stories in them.
As an intensely submissive woman in a face-to-face D/s relationship with a fantastic dominant man for many years now, I understand that although my *feelings* of submission are quite real and cannot be denied (I've tried, lol), much of the way we relate to each other through my submission and his dominance is based upon fantasy and certainly can change due to many life circumstances. I've watched far too many people go through the shock of realizing this to believe we are unusual or that these various BDSM labels are as concrete as so many would like to believe they are.
~~A
@anonymous
You mention that you are in a D/s relationship when the subject is about M/s. As you can tell from my writing, I am a believer that they are two totally different worlds.
You state that nobody can comment on what two people do (I am paraphrasing). That is true although we can establish criteria of what qualifies as M/s. If we accept everything as M/s then nothing is M/s. There needs to be some criteria. So, based upon your reasoning, what differtiates M/s from D/s?
As for the way people live, it is up to them. But to allow anyone to assume terms that are associated with other definitions is inappropriate. I see many who call themselves subs who are misrepresented by that title. Their actions instead prove they are in fact dominant.
@ariia I thank you for all your comments and thank you for your support.
*amused*
I have read your archives, where have you ever been with an actual woman in a D/s or M/s relationship?
Oops, sorry, I hate "anonymous", earlier I was "A", the previous comment was me, so was the one you didn't like. :)
~A
I'm not a slave and I don't pretend to understand the mindset: the need to be a slave. Having said that, I have been introduced to some of the ideas you raise here such as being an object and that the "owner" has the right to do whatever he wants. I've embraced those ideas and revelled in them.
The huge difference between my mentor's message and this one seems to me to be that when I discuss these ideas with my mentor and embrace them as my own, all the time I am cognisant of the love my "owner" has for me and my mentor has for his girl. If my owner were to do things such as relegating me to only household chores (one of the suggestions you raise as a possibility) that would not be loving.
A woman, any woman gives of herself to a man with love and expects love and kindness in return. Surely. Casting her aside for another woman - where is the love in that?
It really concerns me that the post makes no mention of *why* a woman would enter a lifestyle where the picture painted is so bleak. And, is it this bleak?
I encourage women to build relationships first and then consider if they are willing to be a slave to a man with whom they have a very strong connection. If that is the case, hopefully the worst of the scenarios you paint won't happen.
@A If you read my previous posts like you said you did, you would noticed that I commonly refer to my slave that I am with now. Ergo I am presently in a 24/7 M/s relationship and willing to share what it entails. You are free to disagree with whatever you like. However, before your comments can be taken seriously, it might help to know what your experience is with M/s.
@Vesta A couple of points: you are presuming that love is a part of a M/s relationship. For many it is. However, it is not the case for all. Some enter the relationship for other reasons.
As for why someone would enter into such a "bleak" arrangement or if it is bleak, you would have to get the opposite point of view. I cannot speak for what motivates one to submit or to enter into the relationships they do. I am sure the reasoning is all over the board.
But consider, why do people in the vanilla world get into the relationships they do? I can only presume much of the same thought process goes into it.
It's ~~A, yes, sorry, I see now that you mention a slave, 1 year online, 1 year in person, I was skimming your archives and you talk a lot more about what you think about all these labels and lifestyles than you do about your personal life so I missed that.
Still, I'll always speak up whenever I see anyone saying "a true slave is this" or "a real dominant is that", that kind of thing.
I used to blog for many years about my own BDSM experiences and I met way too many people who do not fit inside labels and boxes. I used to be like you and thought only my way was the "right" way but I learned through getting to know so many others that feel/think differently from the way I do that I was wrong to assume my way was the "only" way. There are many ways. And they have every right to define themselves the way they see fit without someone else saying they're "doing it wrong" the way you do here.
I'm friends with several M/s couples who do not fit your definition of what you think M/s is; I still think they are M/s and obviously *they* still think they are M/s, despite your opinion. *shrugs*
Whatever. I can't stop you from your endless writing on what it all means to you, I just hope your readers understand that your opinion is just one person's opinion.
I'm not trying to be rude, honestly. But you remind me a little of the way my attitude was when we first plunged into this world many years ago now and we were more than a little insufferable at times about what we thought was The Truth back then.
@A for someone who is adamant about how wrong his viewpoint is, you sure are pushy with your own. Hypocritical much? You're so sure that your idea of M/s is the ONLY idea and you've barely touched on it at all. This blog is called A Master's Viewpoint Of The BDSM World. Not "The only true way to BDSM" it's HIS viewpoint. If you haven't gotten that yet, there's not much anyone else can do for you other than thank you for your opinion and try to drop the argument you obviously seek.
-ariia
well said ariia. As well as coming from someone that is offering NO references at all, not even a track back or screen name. I'm not putting a lot of stock in the opinion.
@~~A Thank you for your repeated comments.
I agree that the BDSM community is wide open and that people will fall all over the spectrum. For any type of relationship to be successful, the two people involved must be happy with what is occurring. Naturally. Nowhere did I state that my way was the only way to live the BDSM lifestyle.
That being said, there are lines that need to be drawn for clarification sake. I do not believe that terms are subject to anyone's interpretation even though they reserve the right to interpret them however they wish.
Blood play is a fetish that requires blood. For one to say that he is into blood play simply because he scratches a woman, thus leaving a red mark is incorrect in calling this blood play. There is no blood play without blood regardless of how this person wants to interpret the terms.
For anyone to call him or herself a slave without the willingness to enter a power exchange relationship is incorrect also. Simply because one is dominant does not make that person a Master nor does a submissive side make one a slave. To argue against this diminishes the meaning of each of those terms.
In every walk of life there are certain criteria that must be met. To be a college graduate I must complete a certain program at an accredited institution. If I call myself a college grad without this is not only self deception, it is a lie.
Those who retain control over aspects of their lives are not consider slaves (in my opinion). They certainly could be submissive and might behave in many ways like a slave but they are not at that level. Is the semantics? Perhaps. But I believe that there needs to be the distinction between the two.
By the way, you will also find that nowhere do I write that it is better to live as a "slave" as compared to a "sub". I am not a proponent that either is better than the other except which is better suited for the individual in question.
lol, I *am* being confrontational and I am sorry for any hurt feelings or animosity I've brought out in your readers. :) Thank you, Dennis, for being much more polite to me than I was being to you. :)
I just get irked whenever someone tries to define what a "true" slave is. Or a "true" switch or a "true" Dom/Master. Whenever I run across it, I speak up, nothing personal. I simply disagree. I know too many people who take great pride in being slaves who are also switches or have limits, etc., and I know they are offended by the "true" thing. :)
As far as my "credentials" go, I took my blog down years ago, I'm afraid, due to security fears. I shared wayyyy too much about my personal life to feel comfortable in this age of Facebook and Google so interconnected to everything. So I have no website or blog to show anyone to back up what I say.
I mean, not that my blog would "prove" anything for 100 percent anyway except that I had a blog. I've been fooled more than once by people posing online with false identities and it sucks.
All I can say is, I'm mouthy but I'm honest! :) I really am a submissive woman, in a face-to-face relationship with my Dom who is now my husband, we really did have a TPE relationship in the beginning, I really did have a fairly popular blog for many years, I really do have friends who are slaves, I really do believe after all this time thinking about BDSM, trying out various types of BDSM, watching others do BDSM and write about BDSM and all its many variants that it is a blend of fantasy-driven urges and reality and that's okay but it's best not to get *too* far out there with it by setting up official rules and criteria and whatnot, that really is my opinion and I really do base all this on years of study and experience, both others and my own.
But you'll have to take my word on it. :)
Anyway, again, sorry I cruised by and got all in your face about the "true" slave thing; I didn't think I was being very snotty at the time but I can see with hindsight I was. I've just watched that particular argument so many times over the years in so many online forums about BDSM, it just...rubbed me the wrong way. No hard feelings, I hope! :)
Cheers,
~~A
we all get caught up on things from time to time, and this lifestyle does bring out passion in people.
@~~A There are no hard feelings; at least on my part. I never mind anyone who takes exception to what I write and has a differing viewpoint. Varying opinions are a healthy thing.
I can understand your viewpoint. At least you make some arguments in favor of your point as opposed to those who just post stupid empty comments that occupy space.
Plus, ticking people off is never a bad thing since it helps people to consider what they believe.
You are welcome here anytime and I am sure that you will something to say about Thursday's post.
i am a slave. all of the things You mention here, i live. i have no say. what Master wants and desires, what He determines is best for me...is what i live. Master is a mentor to many and Owns 3. one is local to Him, myself and another are not. i agree with all that You state here regarding what a slave is, what that looks like, sounds like, feels like, etc. the only differing of opinion is what You have to say with respect to online slavery being impossible.
i am living proof to the contrary. i have never had online sex with my Owner. all of Oour communication is email, IM or phone and yes, there is intimacy involved. however, i serve Him in many ways. most especially in editing and publishing His works which is vital to His mentorship of others. this is a tremendous service to Him and one He values deeply. were it not for me, He would not have 4 of His books published.
my Sister and Alpha slave Who lives near Him, serves Him in the manner You describe, daily. ironing, shoe shining, daily clothing and meal preparation. another sister who does not live near Him serves by reaching out to kindred and kind and extending His lessons and wisdom to others. ....all 3 of Uus do this. it is a natural flow and part and parcel to our slavery as it is a natural flow and part of our Owner.
service comes in many forms and is not limited to being near Oone another in the flesh. limiting in general is in direct opposition to Oour chosen lifestyle as openness, positivity, light and love are Oour foundations. limiting does just that...it limits. Master is always moving outside of boxes to find ways which allow all to thrive in their journey as both human and slave.
thank You for identifying some of the key aspects/components of a being who lives with a slave soul.
His slave 33
As a slave I completely agree with your vision of M/s, what happens if you are not living with them full time? I sometimes find it hard to believe I am his slave when he doesn't control my every move.There are times we fight so much because it giving myself to him is the air I breathe but it seems he doesn't want to take all the control unless it is something that convinces him. Doesn't that make us more D/s
I found what you have said very intresting and it has helped me out a lot. I do not judge the m/s relationship at all considering I myself am currently entering the BDSM community. I know I seek control of a man, but my point I'd how far do I seek it in my life. This helped me know that m/s is not the life for me. I met someone who wants to be in a m/s relationship with me, hence me doing more research on it in order to see if it is for me or not. I want to be in a d/s relationship though. I want to be with someone who tells me what to wear, what to eat, when to eat, desides alot in my life in general. But i do have limits and I want them to be takin into account when with me. If my dominant wants to have another sub I want to be adressed of weather I want that or not. I want to choose what I work with. Serving him my main priority, and him to be before everything in my life. But I do want to retain certain rights to my life, and I know that's fine. Thank you very much you have helped me a lot in making my desicion with my suiter.
My question is is there love in an M/s relationship or is it all selfishness on the Master's part to get what they want and what do you as a Master give back to your slave
Of course M/s can have love as part of the relationship. Every relationship structure is up to the individuals involved. Many involved in this way of life have their power exchange relationships built around love, the same as in the vanilla world. Many masters and slaves are married to each other and live as another other couple, at least from outside appearances.
There is no one size fits all plan in BDSM. It is strictly up to those involved in the relationship.
If my Master delegated menial tasks and errands to me on a regular basis, or just because He didn't want to do it Himself, I would lose respect for Him fast! In my opinion, a Master does not delegate tasks that are His responsibility to complete. This just makes Him appear weak and it is a huge turn off. I trust my Master to act in a way that continues to make me WANT to serve Him. A slave must have reason to respect his/her Master. My submission is not a given. It can be taken away. I wouldn't take that lightly so it is important to choose your Master wisely BEFORE entering into an M/s resistible with Him/Her. The M/s relationship is consensual because both people are benefitting from it and taking care of each other's needs. If it's all about the Master's needs, the slave should leave and choose a different Master, in my opinion.
I've read things concerning both D/s and M/s , relationships and while myself have found some of the information intriguing I still have questions about both. Anyway one question that I have is in regards to the M/s relationship and that is if the Master chooses to reward his slave is it the slaves responsibility to come up with the way in which to be rewarded. Second, if in the relationship that the slave at anytime feels the Master has no desire to be with the slave or feels no love or protection from the Master then is it not really a relationship at all..it just someone taking advantage of someone else?
I really enjoyed this it explained so much. I am ex-army and while I love taking orders I don't know if I could submit as much as it would take to be a slave
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Ok I am educating myself on this type of relationship. My spouse of 28 years has left me for his "slave". I'm very open sexually & we were in the swinging lifestyle for some time. We experimented with ropes, etc and I really enjoyed it. My husband is most definitely an Alpha male- but I had NO CLUE this is what he wanted. Over a 3 month period he went from a loving husband to distant & noncaring. Then one Saturday, he just moved out. I discovered the information from friends of friends in the lifestyle who causally mentioned "playing" with his slave and simply asking me how it was going with her living with us. I obviously had not mentioned that my husband had moved out.
So it seems to me that the lure of being a master was very enticing to make him crash and burn his entire life. He LOVED me but LEFT for this power, that either he has over her or she has over him. So- please explain the DESIRE, relationship of this... by all accounts his slave is very plain, overweight & doesn't take care of herself (others words)
I'm am fit, told I'm beautiful, sexually adventurous but not a wilting flower. If I want something in bed or life- I either ask for it (nicely in bed) or work my ass off for it life. Please help me understand!!!
You are not a Master. What real Master can't support and take care of his property. You are no more than a lazy fuck that cannot support yourself so you call yourself a Master to get free labor. A real man and Master would never do these things
I agree. A real man and Master can financially support both,is responsible and not lazy. This guy is a Master wannabe
it is written abrahamic religions SUBMISSION IS DUE TO God Almighty only,Humen soul or self is creation of God can be submitted to God only,Master/Mistress/Slave all eat shit and will die,submission/domination concept does not comply for any conditions or reasons,Master/mistress/slaves subject to eternal failure.hell fire
Thank you Dennis for your article. I had to read the comments like when one feels they have to look at a car crash. I am going to be brief as I have assignments I need start on and complete today for my Master.
The mentality of the commenter claiming all M/s relationships are fantasy is a mute point that could only be argued by philosophically dissecting the meaning of the word fantasy. That would require subjective thinking whereas this article discusses the most basic requirements for an M/s relationship, requirements that define what M/s is estblished since old guard. If no requirements exist then there would not exist M/s. If there was no requirements for something to be defined as D/s then that would make just as little sense. Is M/s a fantasy because there is no legal paperwork? Are relationships not real unless the partners are married by law? If I daydream serving someone and pretend that I asked him to be my Master that would be fantasy. I real agreement based on traditional defining principles of a type of relationship... not fantasy. My commitment is real as are the contingencies of the relationship.
Actually when ppl argue M/s isn't what it is, a Master/slave relationship,they refute their own point when they say they wouldnt allow the Master to bring in other slaves or allow the Master to not give them sexual attention. Well, if a Master chooses something is his slave really going to be able to stop it? Lol. No of course not. The slave can either walk out of the relationship or stay. If my Master desires something I dont enjoy I can certainly ask him if he will listen to my thoughts. He can say yes or no and can change his mind or not. He is the Master.
People who are practicing D/s argue that they wouldnt allow this setup of their relationship was M/s. Well, the setup of Total Power Exchange is the defrensiation between M/s and D/s.
People, especially female submissive, love to say "well who are you to define my relationship or tell me how I could do M/s?" What they so particularly fail to understand is that us who are in M/s relationships need our own community to discuss our common experiences. We are saying here is the definition of M/s. Would you dribble a soccer ball and tell everyone on the field who are they to tell you how to play soccer? Get mad at them when they say you're actually playing basketball?
People need and care about definitions because it helps them find others living like they are that they can talk with. Anyone is free to call their Dominate "Master" if they like the sound of it. But when you say your Dominant is "a Master" they is doing a disservice to people who need that definition on order to define their lifestyle.
There's also this attitude where ppl tend to assume we are like children starting a competition like we think M/s is better or more authentic compared to their D/s lifestyle. It's completely absurd. We only call it something else because it is something else, not because we think M/s is better than D/s. Because it's a different lifestyle. It's not a "higher level" or spectrum of D/s. It's M/s. Not better or worse. And I dont understand why these women in D/s are always trying to argue with us in M/s about what M/s is. It's clearly an ego-driven behavior which is probably why those women will never understand the mindset of a BDSM slave. Us who love to serve are not ego-driven or trying to one-up sexual submissive. We're simply something else establishing a definition and name to describe that something else.
Imagine everytime you went to a D/s community there were hundreds of vanilla people claiming to do D/s and redefining D/s to fit their vanilla lifestyle. That is the pettiness you are bring to us.
Anyway, I loved the article and hope to see more resources and articles like this in the future.
You need psychological help. Do you live with him? He's simply writing about being a Master to his slave. A slave desires a Master and a Master takes care of those needs like no one else can. How could you possible know the type of Master someone is unless you live under their roof? You are being a rude piece of trash to talk to someone like that.
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