Efficient Use Of Time

I would like to thank all those who commented on my post titled "Online Attraction". If you haven't checked it out, there is a wonderful discussion starting with a few different participants. Valuable insight is being offered up by all.

Today, I would like to approach the BDSM from a more practical standpoint. Efficiency experts tell us the best use of one's time (in all walks of life) is for a person to focus on the most important tasks. What I mean is that one utilizes his or her capabilities for maximum gain while delegating lesser activities to others. For this reason, we do not see executives answering their own phones. It is far more productive to have an hourly employee fill that role while the executive concentrates on more important matters.

The M/s lifestyle, specifically, is like this. Ideally, a Master (or Mistress) will want to use his or her slave's time for maximum benefit. Having the slave concentrate on "lower" level activities allows the Master to dedicate time to other endeavors. This is a practical use of the M/s relationship.

On a personal note, I have a slave handle most of my household tasks. This allows me to focus my attention on other things like my writing. Also, there are a range of activities that she does which make my life easier. This is the role that a slave plays. Another one of my slaves handles much of the interaction with my IT personnel and the associated problems there. Here is another example of where I am freed up to dedicate myself to other things.

How a Master chooses to spend his or her time is up to that person. Not all choose to be productive with the time. Many will lounge around on the sofa watching television or reading a book while the slave attends to the appropriate chores. This is all a matter of personal preference. The important factor is to realize that the slave is freeing up the Master's time while making life easier for him (her).

This brings up a point about the previous post that I mentioned which had the discussion going on. Online relationships fail to net a Master more efficiency with his (her) time. Typically, a slave is not in a position to handle the tasks needed to make a Master's life easier without physically being there. Household details are left to him unless he pays someone else to do them. Yard work and other chores cannot be delegated under this scenario either. In short, I surmise that a slave has a difficult time making a Master's life easier when online. It is really only when the relationship moves to real time does that opportunity present itself. Of course, there are exceptions.

Just some food for thought.

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The Online Attraction

What is the attraction of being involved in BDSM online? Why do so many partake in it without ever moving into anything that looks like reality? How come so many people mistake it for being real when all evidence shows the contrary?

I guess if I could answer all these questions I would be the world's foremost expert on online delusions. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts about what occurs for people to get so wrapped up in something that seems so inane.

To start, many people have horrible lives. The truth is that most individuals are unhappy with their life. This statement applies to all of society, not only BDSM. The average person lives in unhappy servitude to ideals that he or she did not chose. Many wake up after a couple of decades only to realize their fate is sealed. Responsibilities such as marriage, kids, and bills are too substantial to walk away from.

This is where the Internet enter the picture. This medium is the world's greatest masquerade ball. Anyone can assume any persona that he or she wants. The anonymity allows you to hide behind a facade that you cleverly create. Hence, all you dreams can come true.

I see this happen all the time. Most people online are misleading, at best, and complete fakes, at worst. They play their games in an effort to alter the reality that is their existence. Suddenly the bald, dumpy man is Bard Pitt while the overweight, chain smoking woman is Angelina Jolie. Also, our participants are able to mix in all the experience they can garner by simply reading a few web pages. It matters little if there was ever one day spent in a particular lifestyle. As long as one can talk-the-talk, there are no worries.

The attraction to online, especially in BDSM, is all the ups without the downs. Relationships are hard work. We all know that. People who interact with one another on a daily basis go through times of turmoil. This truth is multiplied when deep emotions are involved.

Online "relationships" allow all to "play" without dealing with the negative consequences. If a situation arises that one does not want to deal with, simply stay offline. That solves the problem. Real life differs in that we are not afforded this luxury. People have to deal with life circumstances which are often uncomfortable and upsetting. Online relieves us of this obligation.

Another aspect to online is that we can always put our best foot forward. Since we are dealing in fantasy, there is no need to reveal our true selves. Therefore, that drinking or drug problem is quickly hidden. The continual fight that one battles with his or her temper is not evident online. Whatever the quirk, it can be covered up in this fantasy world. Sadly, reality allows all our defects to some through.

My conclusion that online is stuff that fairy tales are made of. While I acknowledge the incredible wealth of information that is now available, the truth is the Internet allows misguided people to delve deeper into their anti-social behavior. Online relationships are not true relationships. They lack any human interaction. Those who believe them to be real suffer from delusions which might need professional help. They seem to have bigger issues other than just seeking a "pen pal".

Be wise in your use of the Internet. In the BDSM world, it is a wonderful tool to gain some knowledge and to meet people. You now have the ability to tap into people all over the world. However, be judicious in the emotion that you put into anyone you meet online. And, as soon as you can, get some real human interaction involved in the relationship. Start moving the process into real time.

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MIndset

The mindset necessary to succeed in this way of life is vastly different than what is needed in the traditional world. Many find the transition difficult. It can be accomplished but requires some added effort.

To start, one, whether dominant or submissive, needs to be thinking of another. This should be the primary focus. (If kids are involved that changes the dynamics somewhat). This makes sense of a sub but seems strange for a Dom.

Let me explain. A Dom (or Master) is completely responsible for the path of another. When one submits to him, he assumes the onus of her life. The dominant is responsible for the safety of the one under his control. This applies to a scene in a D/s or her life in M/s. Safety is always our highest concern.

Society teaches us to "look out for Number 1". This is ingrained in us since we are small. After decades of having this outlook, the idea that we can instantly change mindset is inane. There is a process one goes through when first entering this way of life.

This lifestyle is not about compromise. M/s, in particular, is a relationship based upon a total exchange of power. A Dom/Master is solely responsible for what occurs. In traditional relationships the input of another is vitally important. Here, it is up to the dominant to decide. He might ask for ideas, but the decision falls upon him.

At the same time, a sub is not to think of herself. If she trusts the Dom/Master, then she should understand that her needs will be taken care of. Naturally she might not get what she wants all the time, but that is the nature of BDSM. In fact, one could say that is a truth of life.

Mindset is crucial for the success in the lifestyle. Holding onto the old thoughts of equality or "what's in it for me" tends to lead to frustration and heartbreak. This way of life is not for those who are unprepared. A shift in one's total outlook is necessary.

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Freedom To Choose

Many think they are free only to later realize that they lived in bondage. Obviously, writing about BDSM would entail mentioning bondage. However, the bondage we utilize is not exactly what I am referring to. In this instance the bondage is that which society puts on each of us.

We are all apt to be influenced by the conditioning of those around us. Everyday we see television ads, editorials, and remarks from our loved ones all which shape our beliefs. We are taught what is "acceptable" and what is not. Those closest to us tell us they want us to be happy so long as our choices match up with their expectations.

BDSM is not something that the mainstream promotes as "normal". Instead, society pushes the traditional mode as what is best for all. We are suppose to all fit into a "cookie cutter" type design for life. This is where much unhappiness comes from.

Those who willingly chose to get involved in BDSM realized they did not fit into the traditional model. We have tried that one and found it lacking. Therefore, we sought out a different way to live our life. Relationships are the business of the two people involved. Nevertheless, society has a way of sticking its nose into them.

It takes courage to go against the flow and choose what is right for oneself. William Shakespeare said "to thy own self be true". These words echo the sentiment I believe since I chose to live life this way. Each person needs to understand how powerful the social conditioning is.

The only way to be free is to make the conscious choice of what you want. Others will attempt to do that for you. Be prepared for some backlash when your decisions go contrary to their belief system. Beliefs are more powerful than the strongest prison. The walls of Sing Sing do not compare to the bondage placed within one's own mind.

We live in an alternative lifestyle. Just by the definition, our way of life is not common within society. Therefore, be ready to enter into the minority. For many, this is the path to freedom; for others, a fearful endeavor which is too difficult. See which category you fall into.

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Lack of Connection to Reality

If I read another post about "how my Master is absolutely wonderful and ideal", I am going to puke. Whenever I read this, I know that someone is lacking a connection with the real world. The simple truth of the matter is that nobody is ideal and that we all have our moments where we are less than spectacular.

I wrote that it is dangerous to put a Dom/Master on a pedestal. To me, this borders on "hero worship" which has no place in the BDSM community. We are all just people. The fact that someone appreciates the other person is wonderful. However, reality has to set in.

Using myself as an example, I will tell you that I am irritable, angry, intolerant, and frustrated. These are all emotions I experience throughout the course of a month. Of course, I am also happy, excited, passionate, and joyful at times. If you will notice, I just provided a partial list of human emotions.

To add to the situation, there are times when I fail to handle a situation properly. Some are led to think that I am unfair at particular times. Others will feel that I am playing favorites. Often I am accusing without evidence. Finally, my decisions might not always reflect the severity of the action.

Welcome to Life 101. We have the same issues as everyone else. It is no different than a newlywed gloating over her husband. Encounter that woman 5 years later to see if there is a difference in her outlook. Of course there is. This same woman will be complaining what a piece of garbage she married (okay maybe not to that extreme but you get the point).

The truth is that your Dom/Master isn't ideal or so wonderful. He (or she) is human. You might love and appreciate all he is but stop putting him on a pedestal. And, for Pete's sakes, stop gloating. Those who want to share with everyone the wonders of their Masters are usually the ones who are unhappy. They are using this as a front to cover up something else.

People need to get in touch with reality. People have flaws; this includes your Dom/Master. The rest of us are aware of this. Are you? If not, it is time to tap into reality.

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Getting Together

See if this sounds familiar: one goes online to meet people. In the course of his/her travels on the web, a BDSM site is uncovered. After doing some research by surfing different sites, our interested submissive (only for this example-could easily be a dominant) joins a chat room. In this place of nirvana, our newbie encounters many different prospects to submit to. After chatting a while, one in particular catches his or her attention. Thus the start of an online relationship takes place.

After some time, our fearless sub realizes the Gods were looking down because he/she beat the odds by actually finding someone who is real. This leads us to our next step where the two agree to meet. After the arrangements are made, the two get together for a lavish 10 days of real time BDSM. Everything is perfect. The decision is made to get in the same zip code and live in real time.

At this point I must interject in our little story. It might sound that I am saying this "tongue in cheek". Actually, I am being serious about the path these two are forging. Most everyone would be fortunate to have things play out this way. If you find yourself in this situation, consider yourself very lucky. My belief is that 95% of what happens online is fake. Most of the people in chat rooms are nothing but frauds. We all know the Internet is just "one big masquerade ball". Most people put their masks on as soon as they hit the power button.

Nevertheless, for those who are able to get to this point, this is where the real difficulty begins. For the majority who enter this lifestyle, there are other issues to deal with. Many have children who must be considered. Along with them usually comes an ex who might have an issue with you taking his/her children out of state (or country). And then there is always the job consideration. Many find it difficult to simply leave one profession and find an equal placement elsewhere. These factors come into most situations.

The point is that getting together with another is not easy. Even if everything aligns between the two people, there are always other people involved. Few have the luxury to up and leave without any responsibility. Those that do often face considerable flack from friends and family members. It is best to remember that few understand our lifestyle. They see our choices through their societal conditioned glasses. This leads to harsh judgments about something they know little about.

Many are cut out for this way of life. Sadly, before we find this, we often set up life in the traditional model. This puts us in a position where we need to transition from the old to the new. Often a great period of time is spent trying to work out all the details. This can take anywhere from months to years. It is best to prepare for a long process. Few make it quickly.

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Decisiveness

Decisiveness is a trait that is critical for all Doms/Masters. It is something that the submissive types rely upon. Anyone who is indecisive will not instill confidence in another. Shoring up your decision-making skills is vital for success in the BDSM world.

I spent the last two days in a lethargic state. Much of this was due to getting a bit too much sun at the beach. However, being rundown physically affected my mental situation. I basically spent 48 hours in a state where I could not make the simplest of decisions.

This is something we all encounter periodically. We need to pay special attention to our physical state to ensure that we have the proper mental conditioning to deal with the issues which life throws at us. Also, we always need to remember that a sub/slave is dependent upon us for making the choices. That is the basis of the total power exchange.

Being a Dom/Master carries great responsibility. This is a way of life only for those who have the maturity to take on that burden. Owning another is not something that anyone can take lightly. When you are the "director", all eyes fall upon you. In the end, everything that occurs is a reflection on the Dom/Master. Lacking the ability to confidently make a decision shows how one is ill-prepared to be in this role.

Remember to be decisive with everyone you interact with. This is a trait of the successful Doms/Masters. It is best to practice it in all areas of your life. This will condition you to make it a habit. Decisiveness inspires trust which leads to loyalty. These are characteristics that are the foundation of all successful relationships. Pay special attention to how you approach the choices you have to make. Others are watching.

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Poly Master

Is your Master poly? Some are, many are not. Nevertheless, do not be upset if you suddenly find out that your Master is interested in taking on another. This is within the rights of a Master.

I encounter many who tell me they are interested in being slaves. They want to be "owned" and are looking for the right person to submit to. They have illusions of a wonderful relationship where he will focus all his attention on her. She, in turn, will wait on him hand and foot on their path to eternal happiness. Oh, and we cannot forget the incredible sex which surely is to occur.

As wonderful as this concept is, I am often amazed at the roadblock that one has when I ask about poly Masters. Most tell me they do not want to be in a poly relationship and will not get with someone like that. This statement comes usually within minutes of that person telling me she wants to be a slave. I see incredible irony in the two statements.

Here is a clue: it matters little what you think. This sounds harsh but welcome to M/s. If you submit to another, your life is in his control. He is the one who makes the decisions. Those who believe they have a say in the dynamics of the relationship are sadly mistaken. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. Read that again. The only one to decide if the relationship is poly or not is the Master. A slave, simply by her very position, has no say in who else is involved in the relationship.

It is important to know what one's place is before entering into the lifestyle. Few choose to do this. They believe some bullshit passed along by someone telling how wonderful her Master is in a chat room. Of course, this person lives 3 times zones away from her Master and never met him. Yet, she feels qualified to reveal all she "knows" as actual fact. The truth is this person is totally clueless and warrants no attention to her words. This is one who is living a fantasy. Cinderella is in full swing with Prince Charming.

Those who live real time tell a different story. M/s relationships, like all, are difficult. Life is still life. However, we live in an environment where the exchange of power is absolute. It is all with the Master. If he decides that another will be brought in, that is his choice. This is true even if he mentioned that he wasnt poly when you first met. Things change over time and a slave needs to prepare herself for that change. Another catching a Master's eye is commonplace. Be prepared to suddenly have a sister.

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Property

The idea of being property is one that is difficult for many to swallow. Being owned means that you submit to being the possession of another. That is the extreme part of the M/s lifestyle. For this reason, I feel that the majority of submissives cannot handle it. They are better off being involved in a D/s relationship where there are boundaries to the submission.

When one is owned, there are dynamics that many do not consider. The property concept really helps to emphasize some of these ideas which most overlook. Also, it reaffirms how all is ceded over to the Master.

I like to use the analogy to a piece of furniture. Often, property is valued based upon the uses that it provides someone. Furniture, for example, is useful only as long as it provides a benefit to the owner. When the item ceases to be useful, it is discarded in favor of something else. Or, as in the case with a sweater, it might be relegated to the back of a closet. Either way, the status of the item is based upon how useful it is.

Slaves seem to get wrapped up in their thoughts and emotions. This is not a place that a slave needs to go. When one is owned, the choices he/she makes is solely at the discretion of the Master. If that person is allowed to make choices, it usually is limited in a few particular areas where he/she is so trusted. The majority of decisions are made by Master and are final.

A slave needs to move more towards a neutral state. Many seem to want to hold onto an emotional bond while expecting the same from the Master. This is where many of the M/s relationship differ from the traditional world. Often, the feelings a slave gives are not reciprocated. As property, a slave is judged based upon how useful he or she is. Many come seeking to fill the void that was not present in the vanilla world. This commonly leads to unhappiness.

Another interesting thing about property is that it is not concerned how it is used. In fact, an item only does what it is designed to do. A sofa does not act like a television set. Nor does it replicate a sweater. Each item has a primary use even though some additional uses might be found. A coffee table, for example, is for placing items on. However, we all know that it can make an excellent footrest and seat. This item serves a few different purposes.

Slaves need not think that they need to serve every purpose. In fact, they cannot. Each person has ingrained talents that make her more effective in some areas. This means that she is better qualified to handle some activities. There has yet to be a slave who can provide everything to a Master.

The idea of being property seems like an emotionless journey. In many ways it is. Naturally, there are many different faces on the M/s relationship. Some are definitely within the confines of a loving, long-term relationship such as a marriage. However, not all will reflect this. Be mindful of this when you submit to another. The Master is the one who dictates the premise of the relationship after the submission occurs. This is the nature of M/s.

Many are left feeling empty when they believe that M/s is different than what it really is. They do not consider the effects their actions take. Having the expectation of a committed, loving relationship is not guaranteed. Many Masters know the concept of ownership and will treat one as such. Property is used for the benefit of the owner. That is the purpose it serves. A slave falls under this category whether she wants to admit it or not. Frustration over issues that are beyond her control only make the situation worse. When one is owned, she is property. To think otherwise changes the dynamic of the relationship.


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What Do I Tell?

This is a question that many subs/slaves ask themselves on a daily basis. What do I tell Him (or Her)? People often are confused just what they are suppose to take to the Dom/Master and what to keep inside. Naturally, without guidance, this can be a confusing proposition.

The job of a submissive type is to make the life of the dominant one easier. This is a topic which I write about quite often. However, there are certain things that a Dom/Master can help a submissive one straighten out. Therefore, most situations need to be brought forward.

I found that submissives will fall into one of two extreme categories. Either they want to tell the dominant one everything or keep it all within. Neither of these is a satisfactory solution.

Let us start with the one who wants to share all. As I just stated, it is her place to make His life easier. By taking every single incident to the Dom/Master, one ends up overburdening Him. Personally, I do not need to know every detail of the rift with the checkout girl at the supermarket. By the same token, there are certain conflicts which a Dom/Master can help one overcome. This is why there are certain things that should be brought to His attention.

I recently had this occur with one of my slaves. She is in a situation that is ongoing for the last few months. Everywhere she turned there was another roadblock. It got to the point where she was at her wits end. My slave knows I have a lot going on and she realizes her place is to unburden my life. Thus, she felt that it proper to not affect me with this dilemma.

Nevertheless, I sensed her frustration when talking to her on the phone. After some badgering, she revealed what the problem was. Within a few minutes, she was on the phone pursuing another solution. As of this moment the situation is still unresolved, but there are others now working on the problem.

Obviously, I cannot give you specific guidelines as to what is appropriate to bring to your dominant one. Each person is different so what I want mentioned might differ from someone else. Nevertheless, there are a few ideas worth mentioning.

To start, try to solve the problem yourself. Take a shot at arriving at a solution on your own. If there is a place that needs to be called, place that call to see if you get results. The best thing to bring to a Dom/Master is a resolved situation instead of a problem.

If there is something that needs mentioning, avoid complaining, finger pointing, and bitching. Like they said in Dragnet, "Stick to the facts ma'am". Tell him what is going on in as factual a way as possible.

Finally, clearly define your problem. It is stated that a problem clearly defined is half solved. Nothing frustrates me more than when a submissive brings a plethora of garbage to me that has no bearing on anything. Make sure that what you are focusing upon is the core issue. We can deal with that. Mishmash of ideas are more difficult to decipher.

These are just a few ideas to help with the communication with your Dom/Master. I would suggest that if you are going to err, it is better to tell him more than less. Withholding information from him is never a good habit to get into.

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