May 24, 2011

Being Alone But Not Lonely

This idea stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a fellow dominant in the lifestyle. It is something that many in the psychological and self help community refer to regularly since it is the premise of healthy self-esteem. I write about this topic often since it is something that most of society, not just the BDSM community, lacks. It is a plague that stimulates people to make choices that are completely against their best interest.

Being Alone

Many have difficulty in being alone. In short, they despise it. We see this every where we look. People have a need to be around others. Of course, this is only natural since man is a social animal. Therefore, isolation is not our natural state. Those who tend to this extreme tend to have psychological issues. The Unabomber was one such example. He lived in complete isolation for years. This is an unhealthy state.

The reverse is also equally as dangerous. There are many who simply cannot be alone. In other words, a person of this ilk always needs to be around another. They occupy their days with friends and family. While on the surface this looks healthy, when we explore the motivation, we realize it is not. Instead, a person like this is driven by fear. As opposed to being with others for the benefits of interaction, he or she is there simply to avoid being with oneself. And this is the crux of the problem.


People who fall into this category tend to make decisions out of desperation. This is something we see regularly in the BDSM community. We typically have one who suffered a serious of failed relationships in the vanilla world. Here, this individual finds the answer to his/her life issues by getting involved in a BDSM relationship. Sadly, instead of finding happiness and fulfillment, one only finds more pain.

Why does this happen? Because the same fear that motivated this person before is still present. It leads one to act desperately. Patience is not high on this person's lists of qualities. Instead, he or she will accept anyone who will show an interest. This is what makes the trollers successful. They prey upon the insecurities of others. Fear of being alone is a weakness that is exploited regularly. Anyone who has been around a while can see the desperation ooze out of people. It is that obvious.

Not Being Lonely

A healthy self-esteem mandates that you are able to be alone without being lonely. This is a worthwhile goal to have. If you are one who finds yourself dreading being alone, it is time that you tend to this defect. Trust me when I tell you that it is causing catastrophic consequences in your life.

Many try to excuse their behavior by saying they are 'sociable'. Certainly there are many who like to interact with others. But, again, we always need to look at the motivation. Oftentimes, it is fear that is making the decision.

When it comes to relationships, being alone without feeling lonely allows one to establish a thing called standards. Desperate people have no standards whatsoever. Instead, he or she will take whatever comes along and shows an interest. This is often the wrong path to take.

A person with a healthy self-esteem will take the opposite approach. Rather than accept anyone, he or she has a clear image in the mind of precisely what is sought. Since this individual is not afraid of being alone, he or she can forgo all those who do not fit. The ability to wait until what one is seeking appears is a power few have. This stems from a leeriness of being alone.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start to spend some time on your own. Get use to being with yourself and be okay with it. You aren't a bad person and using others for distraction is not healthy. Your strength comes from the ability to embrace yourself. There is tremendous opportunity to grow when you are along. Utilize it and you will find things improving dramatically.

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Anonymous said...

Please keep writing about this, Sir! More people need to hear it!

I am, by choice, alone in that I am not owned. But I am far from lonely.

I spend a healthy amount of time alone, but also enjoy friends, family, and loved ones.

Admittedly, some days are more difficult (what sub doesn't wish to have a Master?) but in finding ways to handle those tough times, I'm learning a LOT about what is important to me.

I just love your writing, Sir. Thank you for sharing!

Warm regards,

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