A Team

Today I am going to explore a topic that is not often mentioned when it comes to a BDSM (specifically M/s) relationship. Few ever mention the idea that a successful M/s relationship operates as a team. Most want to concentrate on the power exchange and the fact that the power lies in the hands of one person. However, there is another side to this equation.

Yin and Yang

The far eastern disciplines have the "Yin and Yang" as centerpieces to their belief systems. This concept basically states that it takes both sides for completeness. One cannot be truly fulfilled unless both parts are there. It is similar to the fact that it takes both a male and a female to reproduce. Without both parties, a child will not result.

In a M/s relationship, there needs to be a dominate as well as a submissive one. The tendency is to believe that the dominant one is the more important person in the relationship. This simply is not true. Instead, in keeping with yin/yang, both parties are equally needed for a successful relationship. It is impossible for a Master to dominate unless someone opts to submit to him. By the same token, a submissive is not dominated without someone accepting that submission. Both people are required.

A Team

Few ever mention the team concept but I feel that it is valid in this particular situation. The M/s relationship is one of extreme power breakdown. By that I mean that the power is not shared among the parties. Traditional relationships tend to gravitate towards a balance of power. The totality of the relationship is a partnership.

The M/s relationship is a form of a partnership in the sense that both people are dependent upon the other for success. However, because of the power structure, one person is responsible for the direction of the relationship. This is similar to a leader in the business environment. A CEO, for example, is responsible for the direction of the company. The achievement of the goals will depend upon the efforts of all involved. Failure on the part of the workers leads to failure.

A slave plays an important role in the M/s relationship. She is the one who is needed to achieve the relationship goals as set down by the Master. Each person works with the other to move forward in a common direction. They are a team looking to reach the ultimate ends as set out by the Master.

Over time, a good Master will come to depend upon his slave. This is a natural progression as trust and faith between the two parties grows. However, a slave also needs to ensure she is focusing on growing and doing those things which will provide her the ability to fulfill that responsibility. Many newer people seem to feel that it is a slave's place to sit back and await orders. Sadly, this will cause a breakdown for the team.

If you look at the M/s relationship as a team and the members working towards common goals, I believe you will experience more success. Too many look at these situations as two individuals trying to find someone to fill what is empty within them. My experience is these type of people are destined for unhappiness. A successful relationship is built upon each person giving what they can to the relationship. Both Masters and slaves are responsible for the success/failure of the relationship. It takes a team to succeed.

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Social Ineptness

A square peg does not fit into a round hole. Two immature people will not carry on a mature relationship. And someone who is socially inept cannot succeed in BDSM any better than they could in the traditional world. This is a simply fact.

Look At Their Lives

Have you ever noticed many of the people who seem drawn to the BDSM life? Let's just say they are not exactly arriving to this way of life on a winning streak. Their lives are a total mess and, in short, failure was met at every turn. However, they encounter the power exchange philosophy and suddenly all problems are solved.

Of course, anyone who is around a short while knows this is sadly untrue. Many find the same problems within this life that existed outside of it. The BDSM relationship is still a relationship which means it requires the same skills necessary for success in other areas.

Interpersonal skills are something that many seem to lack. I believe part of this is due to living in the "age of the Internet". People do not know how to communicate anymore. Instead, their abilities revolve around typing into some type of electronic device.

Success leaves clues; and so does failure. I met people who were married 5 and 6 times. I often wondered if perhaps these people werent cut out for marriage. One or two divorces because you married the wrong person is highly possible. Above that and it is time to start looking at oneself.

Why do I mention all this? My reasoning is the character of a person shows through in all that he or she does. Whenever encountering someone new and trying to determine how they fit into the situation you are presently, take a look at the whole picture. If their life is a complete mess, the odds are that you will be added to the shit pile.

The Ability To Get Along With Others

Some many have issues here. Why cant people get along? I witnessed this a number of times with the people I was involved with. It is really sad to watch "adults" behave like children. Petty jealousies come out and people are vying for "what is theirs". Incredibly, this happens online as well as in person. People who dont even know each other, live on opposites sides of the planet, will get into heated arguments with characters and a font on a screen. They cannot even interact with someone in the virtual world.

Why cant people get along? Often, it is because they take everything personally. Thin-skinned is an epidemic among most of the population. This often leads to rudeness and character assassination. Carry this out a number of decades to see how these people end up lonely and jaded. If you doubt this, visit a nursing home to see some of these types of people. It is really sad.

Self-Absorbed

Many people are simply self-absorbed. They cannot see others around them because they are too focused upon themselves. This is another epidemic and one that is proven by watching the driving habits of some people. It is common for one to cut another off so bad that an accident is almost the result yet the perpetrator has no clue what happened. This is taking this concept to a dangerous level.

Being involved in the poly world, I see these same traits exemplified on a routine basis. My experience is that V arrangements are the preferred route since triads are so hard to establish. People simply cannot get along with each other. Instead, cat fights arise over the most minor issues. This leaves the poly one (the Dom/Master) left to sort things out. Talk about being in the middle of two opposing forces. Each side has its own agenda which ironically doesnt match up at all with what the other wants. Incidentally, it seems that the needs and wishes of the Dom/Master are the last things considered. Putting his happiness forth is easy to say but so much harder to do.

In the end, many want to play Mother Hen. They are happy and obedient when they are able to boss others around. However, have another come in who "invades" her turf and watch out. Everything mentioned in this article will come to fruition. The lack of ability for people to be able to interact like adults means that everyone loses. Relationships are regularly destroyed because of social ineptness.

Remember, BDSM is not a cure for all that ails you. It is not the magical elixir that will soothe all the wrongs that you or others committed in life. Do not believe that this is the missing link that will suddenly make your life successful. BDSM is simply a way that we choose to structure our relationships and lives. The key thing to keep in the forefront of your mind is that we deal with all the same issues as everyone else. If you are one who is unable to handle life situations such as death, illness, finances, and responsibility, then entering into a BDSM relationship will only add to your misery. I might suggest that you seek to develop your interpersonal skills before going into this direction.

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What Does Being A Slave Really Mean?

I am going to try and burst some bubbles with what I write here. I see too many who want to take a polyanna approach to this life while proclaiming to want to live as a slave. The truth is they have no clue. Being a slave is extreme in every sense of the word. Until one understand this, he or she is living a fantasy.

Your Life Is Not Yours

Consider this statement for a moment: your life is not yours. Living in a M/s relationship means that you give all power and choices over to another. This is the fundamental premise of this type of arrangement. Equality is nowhere in the equation. You life exists only to serve at his/her pleasure. Nothing about you is within your realm. Everything is at the discretion of another.

Many will say "this is exactly what I am seeking". Is it really? Are you ready to do all that you are instructed regardless of how much it turns your stomach? I found that most are not.

The simple truth is that few can exist in this type of relationship. Slavery is a tough way to live. One has no say in anything that occurs. Tremendous self discipline is required to succeed. One needs to be self confident to behave in a manner that the Master desires. It certainly is not for the weak.

Get Over Sex

Here is where many get zapped. Your M/s relationship is not about sex. Get over the polyanna ideas that you are going to live as a 24/7 fuckpiece. Sex, as most find out, is but a small part of your servitude. Your role is to serve him/her mentally, physically, and emotionally in addition to sexually. M/s is about pleasing the Master (Mistress) and not you. Sex is only a part of the equation if and when he/she desires that. Your desires are not important.

The Internet glorifies the sexual aspect of this life. Every image promotes people being tied up in all kinds of positions and used in many kinky ways. Sadly, this is a misrepresentation of the M/s life. A slave does not often serve in this capacity. Instead, her days are filled with cooking, cleaning, washing, and all the other tasks that the Master requires. We never see images of her pushing around the vacuum cleaner but that is more representative of what the life is.

Negative Connotation

"Slavery" has a negative connotation among people for a reason. It is not a path that is easy. Most who lived this way, traditionally, were forced into it. However, just because we choose to be consensual doesn't mean that it is less strenuous. Everything about you is owned by another.

Your likes are disregarded. What you want is of no consequence whatsoever. The only thing that matters is how you serve the one who is in charge. Property is often the term used to describe a slave. Your sole purpose is to please him.

Are you ready to give up all you like and live in this manner? Anything you have or can do is with permission. You have no rights after he/she meets the basic needs. The clothes you wear are on loan to you. If he/she prefers you naked, that is how it is to be. This sounds sexy and erotic to many until you consider that this can happen in front of your family at Thanksgiving dinner. There are not limitations upon you fulfilling what he wants.

Wants Versus Needs

Few have any idea what the difference is with these. Most of society is conditioned into believing that their wants are actually needs. "I need a big screen television". "I need a new car". "I need a bigger house". These are not needs; they are wants. A slave must understand that a Master is only responsible for providing needs. This includes food, clothing for protection, and shelter. That is it. Everything else falls into a want category.

If you do not believe me, consider all that you have. My question is "will you die if you do not have it"? While you might mistakenly think so, the truth is that outside of what was mentioned, you will not. Thus, everything you see before you is a want. And, if you enter M/s, there is a chance that it all will be removed from you. Are you ready for this?

"Yes, Sir"

This is to be your favorite saying (or Yes Master). "No" is not part of your vocabulary. While love is the main factor in a traditional relationship, I feel that obedience is the main factor in M/s. A slave who is disobedient is not worthy of a Masters domination. Again, this is not a life for everyone. Few can live in this manner.

Some Masters will allow a slave to interact with him/her on an equal basis at certain times and in appropriate manner. This is where self discipline enters the picture. There are many times where a slave needs to keep his/her mouth shut and accept what is being directed. "Yes Sir" (Ma'am) is the only appropriate response.

Being sassy is not cute. Many feel that being a wiseass is a way to a Master's heart. Grow up. The online community might put up with this nonsense but a true Master will not. He is not in this lifestyle to play games. Nor is it expected that you will make his/her life more difficult. A slave is owned to make one's life easier. Continually fighting with a smartaleck slave is a waste of time. That is a surefire path to release.

Being A Dumbass

I see so many who write in their profiles "I am not a doormat". This tells me these people are not accustom to dealing with a real Master. Nobody wants a doormat. A slave that falls into this category is of no use to me. I dont need a dumbass walking around my house with no clue what is going on.

A slave needs to watch, learn, and monitor what is pleasing to the Master. Nothing is more frustrating than dealing with someone who continually needs to be told what to do every moment of the day. A slave needs to learn what is expected and to assume control of the actions a Master wants completed.

Sadly, few I encounter online are able to live like this. The ones who are stating they are not doormats tend to show themselves to be total dumbasses. They want to approach this way without the maturity necessary to succeed in a M/s relationship. Often I need to check to see if I am on an adult site or the Cartoon Network. Seriously, so many want to behave like children.

It's A Wonderful Life

M/s is a wonderful way to live life if you are one who truly desires it. However, I will state that one needs to have his/her eyes open as to what it is all about. The Internet does a poor job of realistically promoting the life. Instead, it portrays things in a manner that magnifies the lie many are operating under. If you want to be a sex slave, go sell your body on the street corner and give the money to a pimp (or mafioso) because that is what real sex slaves do. Get over the mindset that you are going to live the "pornstar" life.

If you are one who wants to serve, then M/s could be your calling. Of course, before entering into any type of arrangement, I would stress that you get clear about what you want. This is not for the faint of heart. Having someone take care of all your needs and make the tough decisions holds great appeal. Nevertheless, it is not without a price. You will be expected to fulfill your part of the equation. Obedience is your new keyword. If you can accept and go along with all that is set before you, then you have a chance. Just remember, your consent, once you submit, is not required. He/she is free to use you in any manner. "No" is removed.

Is this is life that you really want?

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The Submissive Mindset

Today I am going to cover something that is crucial to success in a BDSM relationship. There are so many I encounter who want to profess to be submissive yet their actions go counter to this idea. Why is this? Are these people misleading? Do they really have a concept of what is going on? I feel the mindset tells the entire story.

It All Starts In The Head

The mind controls our lives. Whatever you want to experience, it all starts with an idea in our minds. All great accomplishments were at one time nothing more than thoughts. And, how we view the world is in direct relation to the way we think. You can research this idea by following countless authors on this subject. The bottom line is that our minds control what we do.

Being submissive is something that comes from within. Many relate to me how they felt when they first realized their submissiveness. It is a concept that came from deep within and finally hit the mind. This can take some time since my regular readers know I believe that the social conditioning of society goes contrary to this idea. We are taught to dominate and control. Giving power to another is thought of as a sign of weakness. Nevertheless, those who truly understand this way of life know different. Submissiveness is not equal to weakness.

Service is at the core of submission. When one turns power over, he or she is interested in serving that person. This mindset permeates in all his/her affairs. A person of this nature if a caregiver of sorts always looking for ways to be helpful.

Other Focused

Here is the biggest factor in the mindset of a submissive. It is my experience that a true sub/slave has a natural focus that is centered on others. This is something that comes natural to him or her. Compare this with the common self-centered focus. One who attempts to serve while being self focused is going to have issues.

There are many who are natural caregivers. Many researchers concluded that women are more naturally nurturing then men. This automatically makes a woman a better caregiver to children on average. Certainly there are exceptions but a case could be made in this regard.

We also see this mindset in certain professions. Many waiters/waitresses and nurses choose these fields for the opportunity to provide service to others. They want to contribute and help other people. Their work days are filled with focusing their efforts on the needs of other people.

Does this make everyone in those fields submissive? Of course not. The point I am making is that some have a natural mindset that puts the attention on another person. This is a powerful aspect for a successful sub/slave to have. Whenever one enters into a BDSM relationship where there is the exchange of power, focus shifts from the needs of the submissive to that of the dominant.

Selfishness

Selfishness is something that affects everyone from time-to-time. There is not a person in the world who will not think about him or herself periodically. It is a natural and not something to get upset with if you are a submissive in a relationship. We naturally think of how things are going to affect us. The self-preservation mechanism that is within all of us kicks in whenever we are uncertain. This does make one not qualified to serve.

That being said, there are many who approach this life with the stated idea of serving yet are overwrought with selfishness. Every action is played out from this core. These people will think of themselves first. Many times it is something the person is not conscious of but does occur. Ultimately, in my experience, this is a boundary that most cannot seem to overcome.

BDSM success, like most relationships, hinge on the little things. What makes one a good slave can be isolated to the small actions taken on a daily basis. Does she automatically offer you another drink when your glass is empty? Will she ensure that your food is prepared before making her own? Who's clothing does she set out first? These little actions will not make or break a relationship in and of themselves. Nevertheless, they do show where one's mind is most of the time. The one who is doing these things shows herself to be one who focuses upon the needs of the Dom/Master first. And, the reverse is also true.

Be mindful of the concept discussed here. This is a true barometer that you can apply in judging what type of sub/slave one will be. I found it is not something that can be faked.

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Get Your Life In Order

This post is going to be primarily directed at the dominate ones out there. While this will apply equally to the submissives, I notice that people are falling down on their responsibilities. For whatever reason, many think that they can enter the life in a matter of minutes. I notice newer people believe that it is easy to dominate another. This is not the case. Taking another life into your hands is something that should not be done lightly. Yet, so many enter this life unprepared to deal with what awaits them.

You Can Not Give What You Do Not Have

If this were a rule, most people would fail it miserably. We would see the number of people involved in this way of life reduced by 85% instantly. For one to be successful in a dominant role, one must have something to offer. This is a crucial point.

I see so many who approach this life who have lives that are a complete mess. If there is one word to describe it I would use "chaos". They are total failures in many regards while making a train wreck of everything they are involved in. Yet, they believe they are capable of taking on another and running his/her life. Thinking like this is dangerous and bordering upon insanity.

Before you can give something, you must first have that quality yourself. It is impossible to pass along something that you do not have. This is a simple fact of life. Knowledge, experience, and accomplishment are all things that are transferable if you have them. Sadly, most try to assume the role without having the qualities him or herself.

Similarity Repels

There is a saying that like attracts like. However, in the world of magnets, opposites attract while like repels. A dominant and a submissive are drawn to each other because they each fill a role. At the same time, it needs to be noted that the attraction is based upon what each will do for the other. A submissive is looking for certain qualities before his/her submission is fulfilled and vice versa.

One things that submissives want is guidance. They want someone who will successful manage his or her life. A dominant in a BDSM relationship is a leader who makes decisions based upon what is best for the relationship. Usually, submissive types made a wreck of their lives (in my experience) and need direction to straighten things out. At this point, this is where similarity repels. A dominant who has an equally chaotic life will not provide stability and confidence.

How successful would you be if you took weight loss advice from a 350 pound man? Do you think an accountant who owes back taxes is the best person to do your tax returns? Would you hire an imprisoned attorney to defend you on criminal charges? The answer for most sane people is "no". We go to people for help who we think has the ability to provide the direction we need. Obviously, anyone lacking the basic skills in these areas is one we want to avoid.

Get Your Life In Order

Before you decide to enter into this life, get your own life in order first. This is especially true for anyone who is seeking to live as a dominant. If your life is a mess, you cannot rightly expect to be successful with someone else. Taking care of yourself is needed if you are to take over another.

If you are broke, homeless, senseless, and/or addicted to drugs/alcohol, take care of those issues first. Also, if you suffer from an extreme case of immaturity, spend time growing up a bit before entering into this life. A sub/slave is looking for someone to take control. Dominating is a great deal more than just barking out orders all day. It means providing a direction for another life in a way that challenges him/her to grow so as to be of maximum service. This is an impossibility if you are clueless about the general aspect of life. You track record in your life overall serves as a gauge to how fit you are at achieving your ends. Submissive types want someone who will lead them to success. Trying to fake it will not work.

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Submitting To The Right Person

This topic is going to be a bit of a challenge since it is impossible to spell out every detail that one needs to get right. Relationships are about people and the interaction of those involved. Since no two people are identical, it is safe to say that no two relationships are either. That being said, I do feel there are some basics that apply to most of the situations in this life.

Submission

We all know that submission is an extremely important part of the BDSM process. In this life, when one finds someone suitable, he or she submits the power over to that person. The power exchange is a fundamental part of this way of life. It can be said that the submission process is what starts the ball rolling. Of course, there needs to be someone there to accept this submission.

This is where many make the mistake. I am going to leave aside those who would submit to a tree. These people we see on many of the sites by simply stating they are seeking someone to give themselves to...NOW. I believe they are only seeking anyone with a heartbeat (if they arent running a scam). Instead, what I am referring to is those people who are honestly desiring to submit to someone who will fulfill their needs. Their intention is worthy but their process seems lacking.

The Ability To Accept

The right person to submit to is one who has the ability to accept your submission. This might seem like common sense but it is a part of the process that many get wrong. Stick around this life and you will see how often common sense is removed from the picture.

I come across so many who are clear in their thinking and desires yet try to impose that on another person. This most commonly occurs when one person within a relationship finds this way of life and then wants his/her partner to join in. I cannot tell you how many submissives I encountered who want their husbands (wife in one instance) to be their Doms or Masters. My response is always the same: if he wanted to do that he would have done that a while ago. Believe it or not, there are a lot of men who prefer to have an equally based marriage in terms of power. Some simply like having a "life partner" and aren't interested in a sub or slave.

Therefore, it is important to ensure that the person you are dealing with is capable of providing what you are seeking. Too often people try to protect their wants onto another person. This creates frustration in those instances where the other person is incapable of fulfilling those tasks. Some are not cut out to be 24/7 Masters. They lack the desire, background, and yen for the responsibility.

We also see a similar situation arise when one is seeking a Master but is dealing with someone who simply wants to do some domination. I was chatting with someone who mentioned to me that she could not be a part time submissive. That is a statement I tend to agree with. I am not sure anyone can. This is magnified if one has the inclination to live as a slave. I believe there is no such thing as a part time slave. One either is or is not.

Now, what happens to our submissive if he or she is dealing with someone who only wants to "play" around with domination. There are many who feel this is nothing more than a role-playing aspect to their life. When this occurs, we have a major disconnect between the two people. Ultimately, in my experience, things do not work out in the long run.

The Right Person

Submitting to the right person entails more than just finding someone that you like. There are many facets to this life that one needs to explore. Just because two people are on a site and enjoy BDSM does not mean that their kinks will line up. At the same time, the degree to which parties enter into the power exchange agreement could vary drastically. One who is seeking 24/7 will be unhappy with a play partner (in the long run). The same is true for those who seek something light and run across a full blown Master/Mistress. This person is too extreme for the play seeker.

Consider this idea when you are interacting with another. Does the person you are seeking to fulfill your BDSM desires have what it takes. Control and domination is not something that comes easy to many people. Society conditions us to believe and act according to equality. This mindset goes counteractive to what it takes to dominate. The conditioning can be so deep that many never get past it. This is the wrong person to be dealing with if you want to live as a slave. Unhappiness is the only result. Be mindful of this concept in all that you do.

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The Letdown

This post might piss many people off. I am certain the comments will be filled with some people taking exception to what I say. And, I know that my inbox will receive equal treatment. But, for those who honestly want to learn something, here is an observation that I made on numerous occasions.

Reality Versus Fantasy

The online world is not reality. It is that plain and simple. One might attempt to make the case that online mimics reality (and perhaps even with varying degree of success). Nevertheless, the online world is called "virtual" for a reason. A life lived deep in the online world is not grounded in reality.

That being said, I also make the claim that the online community, especially adult or sex-based, engages in a great deal of fantasy. Now bear in mind I am not stating that there is anything wrong with this or what people do with their free time. The point I am making is that there is a "dreamy" component to the online interaction. It allows for a "relationship" to exist between two people which stresses all the positives while negating all the negative.

For example, in online sex play, have you ever heard of a guy suffering from erectile dysfunction? Of course not. Whenever an online scene is played out, he is as hard as a 14 year old in math class looking that the teacher 38DD tits (ah Miss Tucchi, where are you?). Nor do you hear of a guy pulling back as he goes down on her because her pussy smells like it needs to be douched with a garden hose. The only thing that is mentioned is how wonderful the sex will be.

We see this reflected in the online domination and submission. Online, she is an obedient sub. And he is all powerful. He barks out wonderful orders of things for her to do which, of course, she obediently follows. Never is there any questioning of authority. "My Master is the most wonderful in the world and we will be together forever". These are statements we seen thrown around the net.

The Letdown

Here is the real kicker: people who take exception to what I write, if they ever move into real time, experience a huge letdown. Suddenly, he does suffer from ED. Or her pussy does stink. Or he farts while you are blowing him. Or a multitude of other life experiences that we all have which are shielded online.

A dominant operates best when he or she has nothing to worry about. Online, this happens quite often. In fact, many turn to the Internet to get away from the daily problems which affect us all. However, move the relationship into real time interaction and suddenly that sweet, forceful Dom who was always on his game shows some cracks in the armor. Perhaps his confidence is a bit down for the first few weeks after he gets laid off. This affects the interaction with a sub/slave. The same effect is felt when he is dealing with a family situation. Illness and death is part of the course. Few will want to "paddle your ass" while mourning the loss of a loved one. Again, the playful Master disappeared.

These are just a few examples of why I believe there is a huge letdown for many when they move their relationships from online into real time. The fact that both parties were interacting on a "fantasy" basis means that they ignored many of the reality based problems that humans have. All relationships would succeed if we were able to choose the good points while eliminating the negative points. Sadly, this is not a choice we have. Life is still life regardless of how one's chooses to structure a relationship. Having a realistic outlook is the only way to avoid the inevitable letdown that so many experience. Remember this as you move into the real time world.

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Submission As A Gift

This is a subject that I want to explore with you in detail since I believe it is the basis for much confusion. Over the last few years, I see this concept thrown out with regularity. This got me thinking about what is behind the sentiment. Why do people offer this and how does it apply to the overall idea of BDSM?

Power Exchange

An exchange of power is at the core of all BDSM relationships.  I feel this is one of the major things that differentiates this way of life from the vanilla world.  Simply stated, submissive types seek to give the power over to another while Dominant ones look to accept it.  Each is fulfilling a part of the relationship.

Here is the kicker: both parties need the other one.  It is impossible for a submissive to have a relationship without a dominant and vice versa.  There requires both sides for a power exchange to occur.  Without it, someone is off alone.

Another aspect of this is that those who truly are design for this life are simply following an inner desire.  If one is submissive, the act of turning the power over to another is in accordance to the natural core with that person.  The same is true for someone who is dominant.  He or she accepts one's submission in response to the desire to control.  

Ego

So what is behind the "submission as a gift" mindset.  I believe this is an example of where one's ego enters the picture.  It takes a great deal to let go of oneself and submit to another.  Realistically, this is a mindset that goes against what society promotes.  Adopting this way of life goes contrary to what the general norm states.  Therefore, the conditioning leads the ego to resist it.

Believing that your submission is a gift is a way to hold onto some power and worth.  Many feel that leading the life as a slave is a "doormat" choice.  This is incorrect.  I see so many who state something like "I am submissive and not a doormat".  Here is a statement that doesnt need to be said in my opinion.  A submissive person is not a doormat; nor weak; nor nothing.  Yet, because of the online garbage and trollers, I sense many are seeking a way to hold onto their importance; something they deem is lacking.

An Analogy

I like to compare the mindset out different aspects of this life to the traditional world to see the merits of what we are referring to.  Many fail to realize that a great deal of the thinking and actions which apply to "normal" relationships still hold merit here.   Common sense is just as applicable to this way of life as it is all others.  Yet many seem to think we operate at a different level.

Let us look at the gift idea.  In the traditional world, the entity of marriage is the common for of long term relationships.  To get to the point, one person's, typically the male, asks the other person to marry him.  If it is something that the woman is keen on, she will accept (if not she might laugh hysterically in his face).  He asks, she accepts.  Both parties do their part to complete the circle.

Now, here is the question: is her acceptance of his offer for marriage a gift?  If so, is his asking a gift to her?  How many people ever referred to this idea or concept as a gift?  Personally, I never heard it so.  Why?  Because I believe that a woman is not losing her identity by getting married, at least according to the societal mindset.  She is still the person before she agreed to his offer. (a case could be made that wasnt always the situation but things changed in the last 40 years).  There is no need to make herself feel better about getting engaged.

As we see, this isnt always the situation with the submission process.  Many hold onto the idea of "a gift" to give themselves a sense of worth.  And this creates a problem since I feel that a healthy self-esteem is required for success in a BDSM relationship.  People who have to state things to talk themselves out of being worthless are showing what they truly believe about themselves.  This results in self-fulfilling prophecy since the esteem causes her worst fears to come true.  Think you are worthless and that will materialize.

In closing, submission is not a gift any more than an acceptance of marriage is a gift.  It simply is part of the process for complete a BDSM relationship.  There are two people involved, each fulfilling a particular role.  Neither is more important than the other.  Just two different sides of the equation seeking each other out.  Remember this the next time you see a sub/slave spouting about how valuable her gift of submission is. 

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Impressing Another

I often stress the fact that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship and all the other rules that apply to other relationships is present here. The major difference between the BDSM community and the traditional one is in how the power structure of the relationships are. In BDSM, we opt for an unequal power breakdown. All the power is resident with one person. The only question is to what areas of life does that apply. Compare that with the traditional model which at least pretends to have an equal balance of power.

Attractiveness

What is it that catches your eye about another person? This is an important question since every relationship of this manner requires a starting point. If you presently are in a relationship, there needed to be something initially that attracted you to that person. At the same time, there was also something that attracted them to you. We need to be mindful of how attractive we are to others in the BDSM world also.

I will leave the online interaction aside for a moment since that entails a different skillset all together. When we think about initial contact, usually one of the first areas we judge/are judged upon is our physical makeup. Naturally, we cannot do much about our height, looks, and facial features. Nevertheless, we can alter our hair, clothing, and weight to make ourselves more attractive to the other person. Just like in the traditional dating world, it is helpful if we make ourselves as attractive as possible to as many people as we can.

Another aspect of attraction within this community is the experience or knowledge that one possesses. Since we deal with many things that are separate from the mainstream, having the ability to satisfy a wide range of desires opens ourselves up to more people. This will increase our attractiveness to those which we are seeking. For example, a submissive seeking a dominant will like the fact that he has knowledge of psychological control, rope tying, and blood play. If this is something that one is seeking, having these skills increases one's chances of attracting that person.

Have A Plan

Many think that attracting the one that you want is a haphazard affair. While on some levels it is, this is something that can be influenced by the individual. People can increase their chances of success by developing a plan. This will allow one to grow at a prescribed pace and concentrate efforts in areas that are desired. Why leave something to chance when you can alter the outcome yourself.

The desire to learn should be something that is within all of us. Approaching this life as a "know-it-all" is a surefire way to turn others off. There is always something that we do not know. Being around this life for decades does not mean that one has all the answers. Expanding our knowledge base and skills comes with focused effort. It is up to the individual to decide which areas to concentrate upon.

Planning is something that very few people do. I would say this is equally true for those in this lifestyle. Those that take a proactive course of action will get the results while the others suffer setbacks. I like to begin by listing all those areas that I feel will increase my attraction to others. This starts with my physical makeup; what areas can I improve on? Then I turn my attention to my ability to dominate; what areas can I focus upon to better myself in that arena? Perhaps there are books and other knowledge sources I can tap into for this. Psychological control is always something that I know I can expand upon by garnering more information. Finally, I look at my "play" abilities and see what needs some work. There are areas of interest that I have not fully explored. These are obvious choices to put on the list. Anything that improves my ability as a Master is a worthwhile venture.

Common Appeal

There are also those areas that hold common appeal for most people. I already mentioned physique and how we can do something in that area. Another aspect of life that is judged is the financial arena. Having access to greater resources will allow one to offer more to a potential suitor. Just because we opt for a different lifestyle does not mean that we do not enjoy "the finer things in life". One with the ability to provide these things will be more heavily sought out in many instances. Finally, since we are dealing with a relationship, the more general knowledge we have, the better. We all experienced being out with someone who offered nothing in terms of conversation skills. This person basically had nothing to talk about. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Being a well rounded person in terms of knowledge helps to interact with a greater variety of people.

Impressing another comes down to making yourself the most attractive you can. Certainly, beauty (however one describes it) is in the eye of the beholder. Yet, the more we try to increase the people who could have an interest, the more success we will have. At the same time, quantity is only one part of the equation. By focusing on the impressiveness of ourselves, we will also attract those who are of greater quality. We all know there are those people who will submit to a tree given the chance. This is not the type of person most of us are interested in interacting with. Most of us want to interact with the best quality people we can. Becoming the best in terms of quality ourselves is a key component to this.

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Old Time Protocol

Things certainly changed over the years. The BDSM community once was an underground network of people who lived in secrecy. There was a time when the only "advertisement" this lifestyle received was an announcement of a munch in the local rag. People did not openly discuss power exchange relationships. The D/s and, certainly M/s, relationships were foreign to 99.9% of the population. Of course, the Internet changed this a great deal.

Protocol

There was a time when protocol amongst the members of the lifestyle meant something. Newer people were introduced to this way of life with a respect that was taught to them by others. People were human and interaction was friendly but that was not a sign of lackluster attitudes. Dominants were shown the proper respect by their position since it was known that all who were there (for the most part) earned it.

At the same time, people were also respective of the submissive types. Trolling was unheard of since everyone was expected to adhere to the policy of "not infringing on another person's turf". This was a commonsense practice that worked ideally for many years.

Again, we saw the Internet change this scenario. To start, many of the Dominants online are not worthy of any respect. They are pretenders to the nth degree. Their desire is to use and abuse in a way that is harmful. The part of the life where a submissive is taught to grow and expand is overlooked by these individuals. Instead, they are only interested in cheap sex or someone to pay their way. BDSM is a sex and money pit and that is it.

The respect that came with the old time protocol also disappeared. I will admit that I am guilty of slagging some people off online. However, I do this with reasonable assurance that they were not what they proclaimed to be. One only needs to spend a few months on a BDSM site to learn some of the tricks people use. Once you have them down, you notice them repeated over and over. Nevertheless, in general people do not show others in the life the same respect that once existed.

Society At Large

Many of the factors that I am mentioning are also prevalent among society at large. Respect is something that is disappearing with each new generation. Watch how people behave in your local supermarket. There was a time when people were considerate of others around them. People would often let someone with only a few items cut ahead of them to save that person time. No more. Now, you stand behind the person with two full baskets even if you only have 6 items. Common consideration is dead.

At the same time, people are losing interpersonal skills. Again, in the "olden " days, people had to talk to each other. Other than the telephone, communication was face-to-face. Meeting of people actually involved being in the same zip code as them. Munches were the primary vehicle where people within this lifestyle met each other. If you were new to a community, you tried to find a local munch to attend.

Again, we point to the Interact to notice a change. Today we "meet" people from all over the world without leaving our seat. Our interactions are virtual now. We get emotionally attached to characters on a screen. The connection carries a lot less meaning to many people.

At the same time, the idea of being respectful to others online is all but dead. The BDSM sites are full of people who would never dream of showing up at a munch. They utilize the anonymity of the Internet to involve themselves in a place where they otherwise would be too fearful. In addition, these same people also exhibit a great deal of cybercourage. There Internet muscles are strong. However, put these people in front of a real Dom and many of them would cower like little girls. They are disrespectful because it is so easy to do it.

In the end, our culture is changing. Is it good or bad? Who knows. The bottom line is that it is and we need to get use to it. There is no point in being a sourpuss while reflecting upon the good ole days. The world changes and BDSM is not exempt from that practice. Learning new skills are important to advance as society does. While there are drawbacks, technology and new eras open up a lot of opportunities. Be mindful of this the next time you want to put your first through your computer screen at some troller. They make the real people stand out that much more.

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Self Esteem II

In the previous post I wrote about a slave's self esteem and how one who has a low self worth really needs to address that before getting into a BDSM relationship. It is rather difficult for a Dom/Master to deal with a person who is always feeling unworthy. There is only so much propping up another can do. Ultimately, it rests on the individual to feel good about him or herself.

The "I Never Do Anything Right" Syndrome

We all have seen this over the years. Many with low self esteem behave in manners that exemplify it. Usually, their vocabulary matches this mindset. Whenever anything goes wrong, it is blown way out of proportion. The person behaves in a manner that leads one to believe he or she thought everything was going to fail.

You will often hear the line "I never do anything right". This is a surefire sign that one is lacking in personal self worth. To start, everyone does something right. Here is an example of the exaggeration that people engage in. Just because something went wrong, that does not mean the person is worthless. Yet, one in this mindset automatically jumps to this conclusion.

Mistakes are a part of life. However, many fail to see that. This is magnified is a Dom/Master is unwilling to accept that about a submissive person. Many will take the approach that every mistake needs punishing. Not true. Mistakes are a part of the learning process and should be accepted by both parties. They are not a sign of worthlessness.

The "I Am The Best" Syndrome

This is rarely articulated in these words but is always a sign of low self esteem. We all met the person who is super cocky. He or she is consistently bragging about all that he/she accomplished. No matter what the situation, this person needs to turn the attention towards him or her.

We all do things well. There are times when we are proud of our accomplishments. However, that does not mean we need to tell everyone about them. A sign of insecurity is looking for acceptance from others. One who is continually telling all how wonderful he or she is reveals exactly how he or she thinks. Cockiness is a sign of low self esteem.

As mentioned, it rarely is articulated in so many words. Nevertheless, there are signs that appear. For example, have you ever met the person who can do everything? This person will never state "I dont know". He or she has an answer no matter what the question.

The reason why this is an indicator of an esteem problem is because this person will not allow him or herself to be viewed as not being capable. It takes strength to tell another person you do not know something or cant do something. Society teaches that we can do anything if we will set our minds to it. Sadly, that is not correct. There are a lot of things that I cannot do because either I havent tried or I lack the skill set necessary. However, many people's esteem will not allow them to make these claims.

Braggarts come in many forms but they all reveal the same thing. A worthy person doesnt tell you how great he or she is. Instead, that person is too busy showing you. A slave who is continually telling you how terrific he or she is at this lifestyle is offering up a warning sign. Check further for esteem issues. I can almost guarantee they exist.

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Self Esteem

I am going to focus this post on the submissive types. However,bear in mind that the concept applies to all people.

Self esteem is something that most people need some help with. For whatever reason, we live in a world where negative reinforcement is the norm. The average person has an unhealthy outlook about him or herself. This is evident in the way which people interact with each other. Anyone who is fairly adept at recognizing the signs will instantly see how most people have poor self esteem. When applied to the BDSM world, this is really evident.

Being A Doormat

As I surf the web reading different profiles, I see so many who write about not wanting a sub/slave who is a doormat. At the same time, there are those who post how they are not doormats. Reading this over and over got me wondering why people would post such a thing.

To start, I am not a believer that a sub/slave is a doormat. If a person enters into this lifestyle and acts in such a manner, he or she has no business living in this way. I feel it is best if he/she exit all relationships and seek to work on oneself. The only way one would allow him or herself to be treated as a doormat is if the personal self worth was in the toilet. A good slave doesn't view him or herself in this manner.

Personal pride is something that we all should have. It is healthy to be proud of the person that you are. Certainly we are all flawed. Nevertheless, being a submissive does not mean that one is less than. When compared to a dominant, one is simply different. Submission and domination are two opposite sides of a coin with each complimenting the other one. This is a point that many people miss.

A Healthy Sub

A healthy sub has a self worth that is in proper proportion. He or she will look at oneself as a worthy person. This is in contrast to the mindset of many of the "Doms/Masters" that are cruising the net looking for people to abuse. It is appropriate for a sub/slave to demand respect from others within the community regardless of their position. A sub/slave is not a whipping post for any dominant person in a chat room.

Of course, we all know the anything that we apply online is ten times as difficult to implement in real life. One can easily push aside the bards of the meatheads online. However, looking at oneself with honest worth is a more difficult manner. Many will allow their true lack of worth seep into their relationships with their Doms/Masters. This is where problems can arise.

Many want to look to the dominant one to provide that worth and esteem. If you are presently waiting for someone else to provide this to you, you will be waiting a long time. This concept holds true for all of society. We see people seeking to find their worth from parents, children, spouses, employers, co-workers, or friends. Each time we are witnessing an unhealthy person. The only true worth one can have is that which is derived from within. Being a slave is a worthy choice in life if you feel you are worthy yourself. Lack of worth means you will fail just like you did in all other areas of your life. Is it surprising that people enter this life looking for the magic cure of all that ails their lives? Without change, this route will net the same results.

Healthy Parts

There are many unhealthy relationships in the world. In fact, it could be said that the majority of those we encounter are sick to some degree. The reason I make this claim is because most people have worth issues, many of them glaring. When this occurs, you have one (if not two) components to a relationship in an unhealthy space. This leads to the logical result of an unhealthy relationship. The structure of the power exchange matters none in this regard. Basic mathematics dictates that two unhealthy pieces cannot equate to health.

A Dom/Master can help by offering positive reinforcement to the sub/slave. Often, we tend to dwell upon the negative. Accepting slaves as human beings is the first step in this process. They will make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with that. It is part of the learning process. Accept that mistakes will be made and you will have an easier time dealing with them when they occur. However, resist the temptation to provide all the worth to your sub/slave. In the end, much of it have to come from him or herself.

Being a healthy slave is looking at oneself in the proper light. We all have some worth to us. Choosing to follow an inner calling to serve doesnt make on less than. Remember this the next time you want to kick yourself for being who you are. Focus on the good that you provide and you will make your Dom/Master's life easier. There is nothing more difficult than dealing with a person who thinks he/she is absolutely worthless. In that instance, he/she is asking for something that no other person can provide. Self esteem is something that comes from within.

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