August 8, 2010

Impressing Another

I often stress the fact that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship and all the other rules that apply to other relationships is present here. The major difference between the BDSM community and the traditional one is in how the power structure of the relationships are. In BDSM, we opt for an unequal power breakdown. All the power is resident with one person. The only question is to what areas of life does that apply. Compare that with the traditional model which at least pretends to have an equal balance of power.


What is it that catches your eye about another person? This is an important question since every relationship of this manner requires a starting point. If you presently are in a relationship, there needed to be something initially that attracted you to that person. At the same time, there was also something that attracted them to you. We need to be mindful of how attractive we are to others in the BDSM world also.

I will leave the online interaction aside for a moment since that entails a different skillset all together. When we think about initial contact, usually one of the first areas we judge/are judged upon is our physical makeup. Naturally, we cannot do much about our height, looks, and facial features. Nevertheless, we can alter our hair, clothing, and weight to make ourselves more attractive to the other person. Just like in the traditional dating world, it is helpful if we make ourselves as attractive as possible to as many people as we can.

Another aspect of attraction within this community is the experience or knowledge that one possesses. Since we deal with many things that are separate from the mainstream, having the ability to satisfy a wide range of desires opens ourselves up to more people. This will increase our attractiveness to those which we are seeking. For example, a submissive seeking a dominant will like the fact that he has knowledge of psychological control, rope tying, and blood play. If this is something that one is seeking, having these skills increases one's chances of attracting that person.

Have A Plan

Many think that attracting the one that you want is a haphazard affair. While on some levels it is, this is something that can be influenced by the individual. People can increase their chances of success by developing a plan. This will allow one to grow at a prescribed pace and concentrate efforts in areas that are desired. Why leave something to chance when you can alter the outcome yourself.

The desire to learn should be something that is within all of us. Approaching this life as a "know-it-all" is a surefire way to turn others off. There is always something that we do not know. Being around this life for decades does not mean that one has all the answers. Expanding our knowledge base and skills comes with focused effort. It is up to the individual to decide which areas to concentrate upon.

Planning is something that very few people do. I would say this is equally true for those in this lifestyle. Those that take a proactive course of action will get the results while the others suffer setbacks. I like to begin by listing all those areas that I feel will increase my attraction to others. This starts with my physical makeup; what areas can I improve on? Then I turn my attention to my ability to dominate; what areas can I focus upon to better myself in that arena? Perhaps there are books and other knowledge sources I can tap into for this. Psychological control is always something that I know I can expand upon by garnering more information. Finally, I look at my "play" abilities and see what needs some work. There are areas of interest that I have not fully explored. These are obvious choices to put on the list. Anything that improves my ability as a Master is a worthwhile venture.

Common Appeal

There are also those areas that hold common appeal for most people. I already mentioned physique and how we can do something in that area. Another aspect of life that is judged is the financial arena. Having access to greater resources will allow one to offer more to a potential suitor. Just because we opt for a different lifestyle does not mean that we do not enjoy "the finer things in life". One with the ability to provide these things will be more heavily sought out in many instances. Finally, since we are dealing with a relationship, the more general knowledge we have, the better. We all experienced being out with someone who offered nothing in terms of conversation skills. This person basically had nothing to talk about. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Being a well rounded person in terms of knowledge helps to interact with a greater variety of people.

Impressing another comes down to making yourself the most attractive you can. Certainly, beauty (however one describes it) is in the eye of the beholder. Yet, the more we try to increase the people who could have an interest, the more success we will have. At the same time, quantity is only one part of the equation. By focusing on the impressiveness of ourselves, we will also attract those who are of greater quality. We all know there are those people who will submit to a tree given the chance. This is not the type of person most of us are interested in interacting with. Most of us want to interact with the best quality people we can. Becoming the best in terms of quality ourselves is a key component to this.

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