The Punishment Box

Many want to enhance their sex life. When people first look at this lifestyle, they are stunned to find out that the price of "toys" is expensive. It is possible to spend thousands of dollars in a short period of time outfitting yourself with all kinds of accessories. While this might work for some, there is a much better approach.

There are a lot of things in the BDSM world which are free. If you are an imaginative person, your house is presently filled with many items that will enhance you sexual experience. Things such as brushes, spatulas, rope, string, belts, and ice are available in most houses. Consider using the free stuff first before laying out the cash for the expensive stuff.

Punishments are a part of the BDSM lifestyle. There are times when subs/slaves need to have their actions adjusted. A good Dom/Master will approach this with the candor one takes when disciplining a child. A corrective reminder is usually to the benefit of the offender. BDSM is no different.

A way to add some fun to this is to have a punishment box. This is nothing more than a small box containing cards or small pieces of paper with different punishments written on them. When the sub/slave acts inappropriately, he or she is told to pull a punishment out of the box. Whichever is selected is the one the Dom/Master instills.

When creating this, it is best to have punishments which vary in severity. Of course, you will want some that the sub/slave detests. It adds to the excitement when he or she is pulling the card. I often marvel at how the a sub/slave can pull the same punishment 4 or 5 times in a row when there are 15 different ones in the box. The harder he or she wishes for something else, the more likely the same one is pulled.

The punishment box is a great way to dole out punishments. However, it can also be used in your scene. For this, simply write different activities you want to perform on separate pieces of paper and have them pulled at different times. Once pulled, perform that technique on him or her. This is heightened if the Dom/Master is the one who creates the activities. The element of surprise only enhances the sub/slave's experience.

Try the punishment box or variations on this idea. You will be happy that you did.


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Simple Physical Humiliation

In my book Erotic Humiliation, I wrote about the joy of physical humiliation. While this is a broad category with a wide range of ways to implement it, I find there are some basic ways to enhance your BDSM experience.

The entire concept of physical humiliation is to stress the power separation between Dom and Sub (or Master/slave). Many cultures historically have done this so borrowing their ideas offers a wonderful visual.

If we consider some of the Mid-Eastern cultures, they believe that women are second class citizens. For this reason, a woman is not allowed to look a man in the eyes. She walks a few paces behind her "man" as a symbol of the power difference. She is only allowed to speak when he approves it. In short, her life revolves around his wishes.

The same can be used in your BDSM play. While in public, you can have a sub behave in a similar manner. Remove any equality that she might have when interacting with others. Something even as basic as her following behind you will give you a surge of power. It reinforces her submissiveness.

You can do the same thing while at home. You might experiment with having a sub sit at your feet. Or, you can use him/her as a footstool. (Treating another as a piece of furniture is a wonderful way to reduce that person down since it removes the humanness). Finally, dinner can be served to you in the dining room on fine china while she has to eat in the kitchen off of paper plates. If you really want to increase the sensations, implement a bit of puppy play where he/she eats off the floor.

Again, the basic idea is separation of power. Erotic humiliation is designed to make the Dom feel more powerful while increasing the feeling of submissiveness within the sub. The physical aspect of this is fairly simple to do and is rather versatile. You are limited only by your imagination.

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Know What You Are Getting Into

A quick question: would you ever marry someone without ever having dated before? The answer for most sane people is "absolutely not". If that is the case, they why do people choose to submit without knowing what being a sub entails. I see so many who are new to this lifestyle who rush to give themselves to another without having any idea what that person is like. To me, this is insane.

The online world rarely reflects reality. Life exists offline. What people do while online is not true life. For most, it is a fantasy played out. The transference to real time becomes difficult since they believe in the fairy-tale. This is the equivalent to believing that a relationship reflects what is portrayed in a romance film. Again, reality differs from fantasy.

It is important to research about BDSM as much as you can. There are many different facets to this way of life. It is wide and versatile. One is free to choose a relationship that fits him or her. I always say there is no "one size fits all" template.

I wrote An Owned Life in an effort to explain to new people the aspect of BDSM known as M/s (Master/slave). This is a facet where one makes a total commitment to another. The drive to submit within this person is strong. A total exchange of power is the end result. From the feedback received, those who read this book told me it cleared up a lot of confusion on their part.

The pictures online depicting BDSM are wonderful. Personally, I enjoy seeing how others live their life. Unfortunately, few are real life depictions. Most are professional actors and actresses. While still a bit educational, they are far from the everyday life that most experience. There is so much more to BDSM than just sex.

I suggest reading all that you can before making the decision to commit to someone. There are many blogs written by both Doms and subs. This will provide insight into the approach each takes. You will come to understand the mindset of each of these people while being able to compare it to how you feel. Seek those that talk more about the life as opposed to sex. If you want a sex story, pick up Penthouse forums. Spend your time learning about the lifestyle.

It is crucial to learn what you are getting into. There will come a time where one is confronted with making a life decision. This is something that affects others. Knowing what the decision entails is the responsible approach. There is a lot more to consider than just what one sees in some pics on a BDSM site.

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A Special Way To Learn

The M/s lifestyle is one that offers a lot of wonderful joy and pleasure for so many. However, it also is a subject surrounded by lots of confusion. People are constantly believing the images that are portrayed online. Also, there is an opportunity for a lot of abuse by those who are seeking to use others. This is not what the lifestyle is about.

I wrote An Owned Life to clear up some of the confusion surrounding this way of life. It covers the basics of the M/s relationship while delving into the different aspect of the Master/slave interaction. This is my perspective based upon over a decade involved in this lifestyle. Reading this will give you a basic understanding of how true Masters and slaves really are. It will help you identify those who are pretending.

At this time, I am grouping together this book with another, Words of Submission, a book of poems put together by a real life slave. This wonderful piece reveals her thoughts and ideas about this life in the poetic form. Reading this will offer the insight into the feelings a slave has for her Master.

For a short time, if you purchase An Owned Life, you will receive Words of Submission, absolutely FREE. As mentioned, this collection will proved some wonderful basics for the lifestyle. You can get both books here.

Welcome to the journey into this alternative lifestyle.

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Finding Commonality

Many think that BDSM is all about sex. Obviously, the sexual aspect of this lifestyle is great and one that attracts many people. However, depending upon the way one's relationship is structured, sex might only be a small part of the entire whole. Therefore, it is important to focus on other things in addition to the sex.

When one makes a commitment part of the BDSM relationship, there are other factors to consider. When people get together for a scene, it is rather easy to negotiate that process. The entire interaction is based around sex (or at least the scene which might or might not include sex). This situation changes drastically when there is a commitment introduced.

For example, the M/s aspect of BDSM holds great allure for many. I find it common that new people approach this way of life looking for anyone to accept them. They fail to realize that this is a decision which will affect your life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sex might carry the relationship for a while, but it will soon pass. Then, what are you left with?

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how crucial it is that people get with others whom they are compatible with. There needs to be more in common than just the desire to dominate/submit if a relationship is expected. What else do you enjoy doing? Are you both intellectuals who like to discuss world affairs? Are there sports that you both like? Do you like to travel? Plays, movies, or the opera? What is it that you can do when not engaged in sex?

Consider all the other aspects of life when making the decision of whom to submit to. I see so many who set themselves up for failure because they are instantly involved with someone with whom there is no common ground. Other than the interest in BDSM, there is no reason for the two people to interact. For me, this is not the foundation which an exciting and rewarding relationship is built upon.

So, ask yourself, what interests do we share above and beyond BDSM?


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Life Issues

BDSM is a wonderful lifestyle. Yet, it is just that, a lifestyle. For most of us, it is not life. We are still confronted with the same issues that everyone else is.

I wrote about this very subject in my book, An Owned Life. Too many people believe that BDSM is a way for them to escape their problems. Sadly, many get involved only to find out this is not the truth. One's problems will follow regardless of what style of life is chosen.

Many suffer from poor interpersonal skills. This is something that can be overcome by working on one's interactions with others. However, whether one is in a traditional relationship or a BDSM one, the result will still be the same. Someone who suffers from poor interpersonal skills will have difficulty with relationships.

Those who are involved with BDSM chose this way of life for what it adds to their life. Life still happens on a daily basis. We have our share of relationship issues. There are also financial situations which are not enviable. Sickness and death are still part of the program. Anything that the average person experiences, so do we.

The final point that I want to make is that esteem issues are not solved simply by adopting a BDSM way of life. Many new people tend to believe that being owned by another will settle this issue. Nothing can be further from the truth. At the same time, many seem that dominating another will make them "a man". This is equally untrue. It takes a healthy esteem to be able to properly dominate or submit to another. Those who lack it will find their inferiority instilled upon the relationship. This is something that can be overcome if those involved are willing to work on it. However, BDSM will not make up for the lack of esteem.

Do not look to BDSM as the answer to all your problems. Many of us found it to be the thing that was missing in our lives. Nevertheless, this is a choice of how we decided we want to live. It does not absolve us of the other responsibilities of life.

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Systematic Erotic Humiliation

"It is possible to establish a series of activities that all serve to humiliate a sub. As we have shown, everything in this genre is done with the intention of showing the inequality of the relationship while often going against the commonly acceptable ideals of society. A Dom can implement rituals or behaviors into the daily activity of a sub to further impress these points.

The method which a Dom and sub walk in public can be altered to fit this end. In most relationships, people walk side-by-side when going down the street or through a store. This can be amended so that your sub walks behind you. This is more like the Eastern tradition where servants walked behind their rulers. Again, it shows the inequality of the relationship.

I like to have a sub serve my every whim. In addition to preparing the meals, a sub can be instructed to refill your drink, get your shoes, or change the television channel. Being dictated
at is not something that our culture promotes. We are taught self reliance and to take care of ourselves. Having a sub do the most menial of tasks which are easily handled can be humiliating. I found the more absurd the activity, the more the impact was.

You can also take this to another level by having him or her worship certain body parts. It is not uncommon to have a sub kiss your feet in an effort to show his/her appreciation and obedience. The licking of the anus is another activity which shows a sub’s position. Many times, the sub will take a subservient posture when receiving the order and following through. Anytime one is physically lower than another, the concept is enhanced."

Copied from Erotic Humiliation, pg. 45


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The Master/slave Relationship

As I surf around the Internet, I see many people writing about M/s, D/s, and other things that are involved in the BDSM world. This is not something that I cannot fault since I do the same thing here. However, I think it fair to take the time occasionally to explain some of the terminology and what it all means.

The Master/slave relationship is one that is rather extreme for some. I would guess the majority in BDSM prefer some type of Dom/sub interaction. This can be in the form of a committed relationship where certain aspects of control are handed over or within a "scene" where one is controlled only for the duration of play.

Master/slave (M/s) takes on a different connotation. I wrote An Owned Life with the intention of explaining some of the particulars of our lifestyle. This is alternative way to live which many find to be ideal for them.

As I explained in the book, the basis of the entire relationship is based upon the exchange of power. In this situation, all power is ceded from the slave to the Master. It is absolute meaning that the slave retains no control over his/her life. The entire purpose of that person's existence is to serve his/her Master (Mistress). The prospect of choice is removed from the equation. Once entering into this type of relationship, the Master is in control. End of discussion.

Before scaring anyone new away, I will state there are a few situations where a slave might retain control. As mentioned in the book, one of those deals with a slave's children. In this situation, a slave will have responsibility as a parent. To undermine this could have negative effects on the children. This is especially true if the children are not the offspring of the Master. A slave needs to maintain the ability to parent. A situation like this is off limits to the Master in my opinion.

Another area is as it pertains to work. Many times a slave will maintain employment, often out of financial necessity. The work life is considered outside the bounds of the M/s relationship. Many will argue with me on this point but it is something that I firmly believe in. Too many Masters exert influence to the detriment of a slave's career because of envy and insecurity. If a slave is employed, with the consent of the Master, he ought to withdraw himself from that arena. A slave will have certain responsibilities that she must perform for her employment. The time dedicated to that will leave her inaccessible to her Master. It is a part of life so He just has to deal with it.

Again, there are many who dispute this point. However, I am pragmatic about things. Work is a necessity in our culture and the financial need on most couples is too great. Too often that is jeopardized because One does not know how to handle it.

This is not to say that a slave needs to be snotty towards her Master. The submission that she makes to Him is one that is her choice. Thus, her choosing this lifestyle is consensual. Therefore, it is best for her to remember her place. She chose Him as her Master and ceded the power of the relationship over to Him. It is His responsibility to steer it as He sees fit. A slave can offer up suggestions only with His permission. Yet, the decisions is solely His.

Why do people choose this way of life? There are probably as many reasons as there are people involved. For most, it seems they have something within them that makes the traditional model of relationship unsuccessful. At the core, one has the desire to submit and serve. Or, on the other side, One has the need to dominate. These are deeply held desires that are uncovered over time. That is what provides the initial pull.

From the outside, this can look like an odd way to structure a relationship. However, when you cut through all the misinformation out there, our life is similar to that of other people. The main difference is where the power within the relationship lies. In M/s, it is absolutely in the hands of the Master (Mistress). There is no division of power.


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Erotic Humiliation: Some Can

The mindset of a sub is vitally important when employing the technique of erotic humiliation. As mentioned in my book Erotic Humiliation, many suffer from psychological issues stemming from childhood. Abuse is a commonplace which too many fail to deal with. They are victims who never were able to get past those situations.

Getting involved in BDSM does not mean that we become psychologists. Nevertheless, it is important to understand how past abuses affect self esteem, self worth, and can impact all the decisions that one makes. Traveling down this road with one who lacks the mental makeup to enjoy it can have adverse affects. The damage caused can be irreversible.

Erotic humiliation is a technique that is designed to enhance a scene. Like much in the BDSM world, it walks the fine line of play and reality. The degradation of a sub is done within the confines of a controlled environment. This is what deparates it from everyday life. The parameters established allow him/her to enjoy the scene while not having the esteem affected.

I ran across a few who will take what a Dom says seriously. This is part of the process through the power exchange. However, a sub needs to be able to separate the scene from other aspects of her life. For example, just because a Dom tells her how worthless she is during the scene, that does not mean it is true in all areas of her life. Nobody is totally worthless. She might be a wonderful mother, successful executive, or tremendous citizen. Nevertheless, during the scene, the Dom might want to enphasize her worthlessness. The fact that it is not true will often allow the sub to have a heightened sexual experience.

BDSM contains a lot of fantasy. We often engage in activities that fulfill people's fantasies. This is one of the highlights of BDSM. Individuals can do things that they would not ordinarily do. Being degraded is something those with submissive streaks often dream about. Making this part of the play scene is a good way to fulfill this desire. Yet, there are those who can handle it and those who cannot. Be wary when touching upon this subject.

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Contracts

Contracts seem to be a topic of discussion periodically in the M/s world. There are even instances where I saw contracts used in the D/s relationship. On the surface, this seems like a valid way to enhance the commitment of a sub/slave. In reality, it is something totally different.

In my book, An Owned Life, I made reference to the use of contracts. Here in the United States, we occasionally see these documents come to light. And they rarely have good results.

To start, the owning of another person, according to statutes, is illegal. Slavery in any form is forbidden. A legal contract is only providing evidence that you are engaging in something that is against the law.

We who are in the lifestyle know that submission of one is consensual. In both the M/s and D/s relationships, there are certain parameters set up which both parties agree to. This is not forced "ownership" like the traditional image of slavery.

Also, the central premise of our way of life is the exchange of power. This is something that is agreed upon by the nature of the relationship. The Dom/Master is in control. All power is ceded over to that person. It is the foundation of how the relationship is structured. This is no different than a traditional relationship where one person is totally dominating. All power rests with one person.

Contracts only serve to create issues if something goes wrong in the future. Marriage was involved in the cases I saw come to light. In these instances, the sub/slave's divorce attorney introduced the document into evidence to prove damages. While the relationship was consensual, the court did not look at it that way. Each time, negative things happened.

I was once told to create a relationship with the end in mind. It is easy to make decisions when you are in love or when something is new. Everything is exciting and fresh then. When relationships fall apart, there are hurt feelings and strong emotions. Legal documentation only can come back and haunt you.

The M/s (and D/s) relationship is a structure that exists without formal paperwork. Just like some choose to take their vows in front of their Higher Being without getting formally married, so too do we design a relationship that works for us. There is no need to have something written on paper. If you see someone promoting this idea on a forum or blog, refer them to this article. It is a stupid idea without an upside.

Besides, a piece of paper is not going to truly increase your power. A Dom/MAster's power is not derived from a contract. It exists because of the manner in which he (or she) conducts each day. A sub will continue to submit when that person is being controlled in a way that works. A contract will not offset a lack of ability.

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Physical Humiliation

Erotic humiliation is a wonderful technique for those who have the ability to handle such a practice. Be forewarned, those with some past issues might have difficulty with this concept. However, for the majority, erotic humiliation is a method for stressing the power difference in a relationship.

Physical humiliation is the act of increasing eroticism by physically embarrassing a sub. Under this technique, the idea is to make him/her do things he or she normally would not do. One such idea is to have that person wear extremely revealing clothing. Another is to have him or her leave the door open while changing in a public dressing room. Example such as these all enhance the D/s interaction.

In my newest publication, Erotic Humiliation, I detail the different aspects of physical humiliation. We can further enhance the experience by implementing verbal humiliation. The idea is to re-emphasize a sub's place and the power that is wielded over him or her. For those who can handle it, some like to get pretty extreme with this concept.

As always, I stress safety first. However, this is one of the most enjoyable techniques that I know. It can be something that is put in just for a scene or it can be the basis for a relationship. Those involved in M/s find this to be a must for their interaction.

Try this technique out the next time you want to improve your BDSM play. I can promise that you love it.

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Focusing On Your Business

People in general have difficulty with this concept. I guess the human tendency is to concern ourselves with what others are receiving. We see this occur in school, the workplace, and with children. The common phrase that goes along with it is "it is not fair".

Of course, subs are no different. When dealing with multiple subs, if you are poly, you will find that these tendencies arise quite often. There might be some jealousy between them over the treatment each is receiving. Instances where the sharing and gossiping occurs to the detriment of all involved. Many times these circumstances will model the childish games which occurs between young siblings.

This is all par for the course. There is added emphasis on this when we cross over into the M/s world. There, since the power exchange extends into so many more areas, the tendency for comparing is great. In the end, it is like dealing with a child.

Those of you who have multiple kids will understand this concept. The bottom line is that no parent treats each child exactly the same. That is because no two children are the same. They are often different ages, with non-matching experiences. The maturity level (of the child) is a factor which affects a parent's decisions. Yet, one child is not loved, nor more valuable to the parent. Each are the same in that area.

The same is true for subs. Each has different experiences and training. Also, there are different maturity levels and limits to what each can handle. They all desire to be treated the same yet that is impossible. Some will gain a Dom's favor in certain areas. This is a part of life. Any sub who spends her time comparing herself to her sister(s) is in for a long afternoon. It will put her on an endless loop which she will not mentally resolve. There is no way to justify the situation positively in her mind.

Each relationship between a Dom and sub (master/slave) is individual. Is it best to approach it in that way. Whenever One tries to approach subs collectively, negativity arises. Human tendencies will take over. Be mindful of this when you are interacting with more than one sub.


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