March 15, 2009

Finding Commonality

Many think that BDSM is all about sex. Obviously, the sexual aspect of this lifestyle is great and one that attracts many people. However, depending upon the way one's relationship is structured, sex might only be a small part of the entire whole. Therefore, it is important to focus on other things in addition to the sex.

When one makes a commitment part of the BDSM relationship, there are other factors to consider. When people get together for a scene, it is rather easy to negotiate that process. The entire interaction is based around sex (or at least the scene which might or might not include sex). This situation changes drastically when there is a commitment introduced.

For example, the M/s aspect of BDSM holds great allure for many. I find it common that new people approach this way of life looking for anyone to accept them. They fail to realize that this is a decision which will affect your life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sex might carry the relationship for a while, but it will soon pass. Then, what are you left with?

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how crucial it is that people get with others whom they are compatible with. There needs to be more in common than just the desire to dominate/submit if a relationship is expected. What else do you enjoy doing? Are you both intellectuals who like to discuss world affairs? Are there sports that you both like? Do you like to travel? Plays, movies, or the opera? What is it that you can do when not engaged in sex?

Consider all the other aspects of life when making the decision of whom to submit to. I see so many who set themselves up for failure because they are instantly involved with someone with whom there is no common ground. Other than the interest in BDSM, there is no reason for the two people to interact. For me, this is not the foundation which an exciting and rewarding relationship is built upon.

So, ask yourself, what interests do we share above and beyond BDSM?

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.


Anonymous said...

Wouldn't life be easier if it was 24 hour sex, but unfortunatly this is not how life, either vanilla or BDSM is and as such there needs to be more to keep a relationship active and growing.
As you have said all too many think because they like the idea of this life they will be able to live it, but if there is no common ground for when the 'party' is over then it will be like any other relationship and wither and die out.
Great post on a subject that not many think about


A Master’s Viewpoint Of The BDSM World Blak Magik is Designed by productive dreams for smashing magazine Bloggerized by Blogger Template © 2009