September 1, 2010

Public BDSM


This is one of those posts that is going to upset many. But, in keeping with my m.o. in this area, I am going to write it anyway. There is a lot that needs clarification for those who are newer to this lifestyle. In the end, they are the ones who really matter. Those who waltzed around this life whether online or in real time have their own ideas.

The Public BDSM Life

What do I mean by the "public BDSM life"? I use this term to refer to any of the scene or cyber BDSM that is so easy to come across. People are willing to "expose" themselves in these arenas. While there is a certain value to it, much of this behavior is based around fantasy.

Have you ever wondered why so many come to this life with the mindset that their submission (or domination) only pertains to sex? The answer to this is because this is how this life is promoted. The public BDSM community is one based around sex. When one cyber-dominates, it usually involves a cam and sexual pleasure. Many are told to get naked and play with yourself; few are ordered to go clean the toilet. The cyber atmosphere is all sex.

The same is true for the BDSM scene. Go to any club and you will find people in bondage being flogged or whipped. There is a sexual orientation to that activity even if actual sex is not part of the scene. Again, this is what is promoted. It is not a forum where one is told to get the shopping done after she takes care of the yard. This is another public venue where sexual energy rules the day.

True Lifestyle People

I use the term "lifestyle people" solely to draw a distinction. The truth is this is not a lifestyle but, rather, our life. We are people who choose to live a certain way. Nevertheless, we are engaged in life the same as everyone else. That is why we have all the same challenges are the rest of the modern world. This is where reality and fantasy split.

Many of us who experience real time, in-person domination understand what it feels like to be on the respective ends of the power exchange. This is experience that can be really beneficial to a newer person. However, few are willing to engage in the sharing of this knowledge because of the misconceptions offered by the public BDSM people.

We all have encountered the one who has no real time experience yet is convinced that he or she knows all the answers. Many arguments have arisen over the online versus real time concepts. Without delving too deep into that discussion (since that is not the point of this post), I will state that there is no replacement for real time experience. We all know that the fantasy element cease to exist when two people live under the same roof. Surviving the daily grind of life while maintaining a relationship is the real deal. BDSM based or not, relationships are trying no matter how well people interact.

As one who has gone 12 rounds with the meatheads in the online chatroooms, I can attest to how the desire to put forth the truth can leave. Many of the people who have real time domination or submission experience are reluctant to enter these arenas for this simple reason. There are so many who exist only in the fantasy and ego-driven based online community. Those who have the real time experience to assist one in navigating through the true minefields of a D/s relationship are too busy running the other way. Simply, they have no desire to interact with the online mindset.

The Truth

In A Few Good Men, Jack Nicholson's character shouted "You can't handle the truth". While he wasnt referring to many of those who are engaged in online BDSM, the statement is just as applicable. The truth is that BDSM, while a wonderful way to live, is not the glamorous, sex-filled life that the public persona leads one to believe. Basically, 24/7 does not mean round the clock sex. Yet, this is something that many do not want to hear.

The truth is that we live in a relationship just like everyone else. Many of the same interpersonal skills that are required for success in all areas of life are needed here. It is amazing to see people who were total failures in every type of relationship entering this life believing that suddenly things will be different. The bottom line is that if you are socially inept, you chance of success here is as limited as in the traditional world. This is the first thing that people do not want to hear.

Another sad fact is that real time is no where near as exciting as online. The fantasy world is limitless in its potential. We can create whatever reality we desire. Life can be perfect with Master being the most wonderful man in the world. A slave is ever obedient online never even considering letting her Master down. Of course, reality is another story.

Real time offers a much different set of orders. Instead of being told to strip naked and play with yourself, one is ordered to make my dinner and clean the kitchen. Over time, a slave progresses not to where she learns more ways to sexually satisfy her Master but, rather, to have dinner ready before he asks. She anticipates his needs and is there to fulfill them. Much of her day is spent cooking, cleaning, running errands, and working. This is not exactly the life of glamor and excitement. Nevertheless, the online community wants to hear nothing of this sort.

Head In The Sand

In the end, many want to stick their head in the sand. They do not want to hear the truth. I had this discussion with one who I know with many years experience in this life. She flatly stated that offering her viewpoints online was a waste of time since newer people did not care to hear the truth. Instead, they were more interest in seeking the fantasy as opposed to learning from one who lived for years in real time relationships. Sadly, there is a nugget of truth in what she says. Most would prefer to believe the sexiness of this life.

This brings me back to the original point. The experience lives this in private. There are few who share the truth since there are so many who prefer to promote the fantasy. Perhaps the masses will want to pull their heads out of the sand at some point. But, until that time comes, I fear the message that will be delivered will be more of the same. Fantasy, while not as rewarding, is a lot sexier than reality.

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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is refreshing to hear someone tell the truth of what it is truly like to live a submissive lifestyle. I have just started researching and have found it difficult to find out what the true lifestyle is like. I appreciate the honesty in this article, and it gives me a lot to think about. This is exactly the type of article I was looking for. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.

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