January 1, 2015


Most of us who use a bit of common sense understand that perfection is not attainable.  This is a fact that we learned many years ago although believing it is not always easy.  Each of us strives to be the best in certain areas while buying into the fact that we do not have flaws.  This is a form of delusion because we all have "flaws".  Nobody is without mistakes.  It is part of the human condition.  In fact, it is through making mistakes and screwing up that we learn.  The smartest, most successful people in the world are not those who have not failed but the ones who learned from the failures.  This is a sound principle for all of us to live by.

When entering the BDSM world, it is easy to get overwhelmed.  BDSM is so wide and varied that it offers almost unlimited possibilities.  This, naturally, can be daunting to a newer person.  Of course, over time, one starts to isolate those particular areas that ring true for him or her.  It is through this process that one is able to start narrowing down the search criteria/focus in an effort to attain fulfillment and happiness.  This is a crucial step for one to take since it is impossible to be into everything.  Time simply will not allow us to engage in all that is out there.  Also, it is vital to interact with people who share common interests and desires.

The problem arises when one narrows his or her criteria down too much.  It is wonderful to have a clear idea what it is you seek.  I am a believer that with clarity comes power and if something is clear in your mind, the chance of you manifesting it in your life is much greater.  However, there is a chance where one can go so far as to be inflexible.  This decision could be costing someone greatly the chance at a wonderful and fulfilling relationship.

As I surf around the different BDSM profiles, I see a host of parameters that people are putting down.  Obviously, covering the basics is crucial.  Thus, is one is a slave, seeking out a master is a good starting point.  Sexual orientation is another important matter to consider.  Race, religious or non religious interests, gender, body type, upbringing, intelligence level,  and experience all are factors that many ponder.  Then we get to the more isolated  BDSM activities such as pain versus non-pain, bondage, gorean, strict versus lax, micro-managing, watersports, degradation, and all the other fetishes/interests that people have.  It is important to have an idea of what you are drawn to so as to connect with those who has similar interests.

Now this is the main point of this post: nobody is going to meet every criteria.  Actually I will alter that stating that almost nobody will meet every criteria.  I guess there is a chance that someone out there could fit another person's wishes perfectly.  However, my inclination is to not believe that since perfection does not exist.  No matter what we are into, there will be something that a potential partner(s) are not into.  Of course, that does not mean this person is ineligible for pursuit especially if the difference is over something minor.  People are going to have different tastes about certain things and my kink in a particular area might not be your kink.

Therefore, it is important to prioritize what is important to you.  If you are looking for 24/7, TPE, then matching up with someone who is only looking for bedroom play is going to cause a problem.  Thus, I would say this is a major criteria for someone.  At the same time, perhaps one is into exhibitionism while the other is not.  This could be a factor that is not that important to the overall level of the interaction, hence can be overlooked.

My point is that I believe too many people often sabotage potential BDSM partners simply because they are looking for the perfect master or slave.  This individual does not exist.  There is always going to be something that does not match up with one of your criteria.  The challenge is to determine what are factors that are crucial to you and which ones are simply desires.  Another thing to consider is the fact that people can and do change over time.  If physical fitness is important to you, then obviously the desire for someone overweight is not going to be great.  However, I would caution  you against this.  What the person is today might not be the same 8 months from now.  A person who is carrying an extra 25 or 30 pounds could lose that weight in a few months.  Suddenly, a variable that you use to discount this person is no longer in existence.  The same is true for most other things.  Just because someone is not interested in something today does not mean that his or her views will not change in time.  BDSM is about growth and we are all evolving.  I know, personally, my evolution of interests came in stages.  Something that I was not attracted to at first holds my interest today.

I will give you a first hand example.  Over the years, I met a few women who discounted me because of my height.  For them, having someone tall, which I am not, was important to them.  Obviously, for some, it was a deal breaker.  To those people, I say good for you for sticking to your criteria.  However, I am sure there were a couple in there who engaged in the proverbial knee jerk reaction.  Many have the idea that if one is shorter, he is unable to dominate.  If this is one's belief, then I would say it is so in that person's life.  Nevertheless, it is a theory I disagree with.  I met a number of shorter guys who were very dominant and fully in control while also seeing guys who are taller in stature who could not control even their bodily functions.  My point is that what was someone walking away from simply because of this reaction.  Again, it is was a major, high importance criteria, then reason stands she made the proper decision.  The question is what is she missing because of a few inches?  What did you miss out on simply because you let a few pounds get in the way?  Or because he was in rough financial shape at that moment in his life?  Or she was emotionally unstable due to recent events in her life?

Get the idea that perfection exists.  Far too many use this as a criteria only to realize later the fallacy of this mindset.  It is interesting to watch newer people or individuals who just get into relationships.  I always know there is going to be a downfall when I read something to the effect of "I met the perfect master and we are going to be together forever".  To start, I know this is false since I know he is not perfect.  This slave is going to be severely disappointed the first time he screws up.  We all do it so it will happen.  He is going to be  inattentive, absent-minded, or lose his temper at some point.  He is human after all.  Yet she is putting him on a pedestal like he is some iconic figure.  He is not.  As for the forever part, it is interesting to note that a lifetime commitment in the online BDSM world is about 3 weeks in my estimation.  Again, we see her setting herself up for a rude awakening.

Of course, the reverse is also true.  Contrary to common thought, a master can be smitten with a slave.  He is susceptible to all the same fantasies that she engages in.  The idea that things are going to be perfect and ideal enters his mind also.  Sadly, we all know the reality is nothing is ideal and relationships, of all types, require effort.  Nothing is gained simply by being together.  It takes conscious interaction and focus to overcome the problems that invariably arise when dealing with another person.  No slave is perfect and she is going to make mistakes.  Too many want to jump to the conclusion that she is not a slave because she fails at a particular task.  A mistake is not disobedience.  Hell, even a defiant act does not preclude her from being a slave.  Perhaps she just had a moment of rebellion; it happens.  The bottom line is when we take on someone else, we take on all of them.  This means the good with the bad; the easy and the difficult; the erotic and the frustrating.  Picking and choosing is not what a master gets to do.  It is the totality of the package.

In closing, I would say examine your criteria and what it is you are seeking.  Knowing what you want is vital to your success.  Ponder the factors you list and prioritize them. What are your absolute musts as compared to those things which you desire but are not really that important to you.  Determine which falls in each category.  The key to BDSM success, as in any aspect of life, is to first know yourself.  Too many people enter relationships looking at the other person without understanding themselves.  This is fatal since you are going to make up 50% of the relationship.


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