December 30, 2014

So You Want To Own Someone?

Ownership is something we talk about a great deal within this way of life.  For those who identify as slaves, the desire to be owned is natural and a logical progression in their BDSM development.  At the same time, for those who are on the dominant side of the equation, this step is something that will lead to fulfillment also.  However, as usual, the new online BDSM world created a host of characterizations that  need clarifying.

Entering into a M/s, TPE situation is not something that should be taken lightly.  Many seem to believe this is something that they slip in and out of like trying on shoes.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Like most things in life, success is often tied to the level of commitment a person has to seeing things work out properly.  For many, sadly, I feel the commitment simply does not exist.  Certainly, you can understand how this could be catastrophic to a slave.

Owning someone means taking over that person's life.  Notice how I did not mention the word sex in that sentence.  Too many believe that slavery pertains to sex.  This is a great deal of the allure for a lot of "masters".  They believe they own a slave and she will do whatever he wants sexually, when he wants, how he wanted, etc...  While this well could be the case, this is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Sex is only a part of a BDSM relationship.  Understanding this point is a fundamental premise that is required for BDSM success.

TPE is an acronym for total power exchange.  The essential premise of the M/s relationship is the exchange of power.  In my view, this is what separates M/s from the more general D/s structure.  The breakdown of power is complete in that it is all turned over to the master.  In this arrangement, the slave is entering into an agreement (consensually) in which all decisions and power within the relationship reside with the master.  Obviously, this puts her in an extremely vulnerable position.  Therefore, one needs to be certain what she is dealing with.

For many, the idea of absolute power is very enticing.  However, what the average pretender overlooks is the fact that with total power comes total responsibility.  This means that he is responsible for all that happens in the relationship.  Certainly, as they say it takes two to tango and the slave has a hand in it also.  Nevertheless, the ultimate responsibility for all aspects of the relationship fall squarely on his shoulders.  Whatever her part is in it, he is the one in control.  If something is not going as desired, it is up to him to alter the course of it.  She looks to him for guidance which he must provide.  Without it, the relationship is destined to deteriorate.  A slave literally is like a ship without a rudder, going in circles unless someone steers her.

This idea goes against our nature in the Western world.  We live in a society that excels at playing the "blame game".  Our culture teaches us to continually point out what or who is responsible from our plight as long as it is not ourselves.  We hire lawyers to sue organizations that "wronged" us.  Many point to the government and say they are at fault.  Our bosses and co-workers are great scapegoats for many people's misery and lack of progress in life.  And let us not forget our own family.  The fact that we did not have the right parents or our kids do not behave better is the reason for many of our misfortunes.  I can go on and on but you get the point.  Personal responsibility is something that our society does not openly advocate.  Instead, we are conditioned to place blame.

As you can see, this is in direct opposition of what is required to truly own a slave.  A master does not have the luxury of blaming her for the ills that befall them.  He is in control.  If there is a shortcoming, it is incumbent upon him as the leader of the relationship to correct whatever is occurring.  This can come in many forms but whatever action is required, he must take it.  Naturally, many like to jump to the conclusion that punishing the slave is the answer.  That most likely is not the solution.  Sure, there are times when a slave requires discipline.  However, more often than not, a change in behavior is the sought outcome.  This can be done a number of different ways including simply sitting down and telling her what is wrong with what she is doing.  Slaves are not idiots so it is best not to treat them as such.  Intelligence is something that scares many "masters" for obvious reasons but it should not.  An intelligent slave is a more valuable commodity.  If you chose someone who has a clue, she should be able to understand you without you beating her ass to make your point.  Those who automatically opt for this method are not masters but abusers hiding under the BDSM umbrella.

Another fact that often arises which is problematic for the master is that often the change that is required is on his part.  Remember, the master has the power and is responsible for the direction of the relationship.  So what happens if things are not going properly?  What does he do?  This is where things get difficult.  Many times the slave is doing exactly as she should, obeying him and following the directives received.  Therefore, any issues that come up are because of him.  This is a tough pill to swallow.  Being a master often means swallowing one's pride, setting aside the ego, and honestly looking at oneself.  Again, this is not something that society trains us to do.  Accepting responsibility when things go wrong is not our default method.  The instinct is to blame the slave....which when we look at the power structure, we see is incorrect.  She is not at fault if he is fulfilling his role in having her follow what he set forth.  He needs to look no further than in the mirror to determine where the problem lies.

As most of you know, I believe that BDSM is all about growth.  This, in my view, is a central premise of life and BDSM is life itself.  Unlike many, D/s is not something that I put on and take off.  It is what I am, thus, always with me no matter what I am doing.  For many on the dominant side, the idea of growing is something they abhor.  I see this almost on a daily basis as I zoom around the Internet.  So many dominants think they have all the answers.  What is interesting is the ones I consider to be true understand the fact that one can never know all there is and the learning process never stops.  Of course, this is radically different from the nitwits we see monopolizing our favorite BDSM sites.

The idea that a master controls all aspects of the relationship contains the basic concept that he is capable of being in control of all areas.  Sadly, we so many dominants who, quite frankly, have a life that is totally out of control.  They exemplify a complete lack of discipline as opposed to that which is required for BDSM success.  How many masters out there are woefully out of shape?  Certainly, there are a percentage who have medical issues which preclude weight loss and they should be exempt.  However, the majority do not fall into this category yet still want to proclaim themselves dominant.  To make matters worse, they want a slave who will be fit and maintain her exercise/diet.  Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.  Or how about the fact that many of these individuals are up to their eyeballs in credit card debt.  Again, to place a disclaimer in here, many find themselves in financial hot water because of circumstances beyond their control and have to turn to credit to live.  This is not what I am talking about.  Instead, I am referring to the person who simply cannot stop spending.  He has to buy the latest gadget the second it hits the market regardless of whether he can afford it or not.  This is an individual who has no business running the financial aspect of a relationship.  If he is honest (and humble) about it, he would either delegate that responsibility to his slave or seek the proper knowledge so he could handle it.  Once again, we see the action required is to grow, something many avoid at all costs.

Before I turn this post into a book, I will tangent to an ending here.  My point is that one must really consider what it means to take over someone's life.  All aspects of her existence come under his control.  This means he is responsible, ultimately, for the financial, physical, mental, and psychological well being of her.  Safety applies to many different areas of her life.  In fact, it applies to all areas.  Are you willing to create the forum where she is totally safe?  Will you put in the necessary effort to ensure this is maintained?  Can you take the corrective action as it is required knowing that it often means changing yourself?  Are you willing to honestly size up where you fall short and look for ways to compensate for that?  When you have total power, do you realize that total responsibility comes with it?  If the answer is no to any of these questions, then it is best to look at another relationship structure other than M/s.

A saying I heard long ago is "just because a master can, that does not mean he should".  This tells me that one needs to be judicious in his decisions.  Just because it is within your right as the head of the relationship to do something, that does not mean that right should be exercised.  Continually having the best interest of your property in plain sight is of paramount importance.  A M/s relationship is not all about the master and he has the responsibility to care for her on all the different levels that she requires.  Too many believe the exact opposite is true with it all being about him.  It is this outlook which sabotages so many M/s relationships even before they start.  A slave wants to be happy and fulfilled.  Being an ignored, overlooked whipping post is not going to satisfy her for too long.

One final note.  Many seem to believe that a master's responsibility ends when he decides to release her.  Again, this is incorrect.  Over the years I have seen a number different ways this situation is handled.  Many times, a master will not let her go until he finds he a new owner to take her.  Another way is for the master to set her up financially with a place (or at least money) until she gets on her feet.  Regardless of the approach, the main emphasis is that a slave is not to be suddenly released out there without regard for her safety (there is that word again) and well being.  A master reaped the benefits of her when in servitude to him so it is time to return the favor and pay it forward.  Until she is able to get situated, she is still the responsibility of the master.  Naturally, this is something we do not see done very often.  The reality is that most just get rid of a slave like disposing of an old pair of shoes without regard to her financial, or more importantly, psychological well being.

Ownership is a wonderful arrangement to enter into.  However, it is not all sunshine and roses.  A master must be ever mindful of the enormous responsibility that he has to those under his protection and care.  His attitude needs to be that his needs are secondary to hers.  He is responsible for providing a service to her which she requires.  Focusing all upon himself is abusive and leads to slaves being harmed greatly.  This needs to be avoided at all costs.  Consider the ramifications before entering into a structure like this.


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Mistress Alex on January 2, 2015 at 3:56 PM said...

This is clearly an extremely thoughtful post, and brings up many important points, though I have to say somewhat limited in perspective. For example, you automatically gender the power roles of Master and slave as masculine and feminine, respectively. Also, the way this post reads is as though there is only one static definition of ownership, which is taking over someone's life. I would tend to say that ownership is defined by the parties involved, and that definition will necessarily change over time as experience accrues. Regardless of our differing perspectives, I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts.

Dennis Najee on January 3, 2015 at 12:22 PM said...

Thank you for your comment Mistress Alex.

Yes I do define the ownership roles as master being masculine and slave being feminine. I do this for simplicity sake, consistently throughout all my posts. I recognize the different makeups and do not claim one right over the other. I simply relate it from my perspective as a male master who interacts with female slaves. We all know there are male subs owned by female mistresses and even males owned by males or females by females.

As for the ownership part of your comment, I agree in the fluid dynamic of it. It is true that ownership takes on a different meaning over time. Also, there are many different definitions of ownership as there are people within the lifestyle. However, I like to relate what I believe terms to be as a baseline for people to go from. Certainly, many will disagree with my assessment of things.

Stefane on April 3, 2017 at 1:08 PM said...

You are incredible. Thank you for saying what needs to be said. "Safety" is so important. Handing your life over to someone is a very scary thing. You have no power. It makes it easier if the know that they are committed to taking care of you once the relationship end. You are an amazing writer and it has helped me gained a better understanding of this lifestyle I crave so much. Thank you ��

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