BDSM is a lot more than just the whips and chains. You all have heard me preach about that for years (well read as opposed to heard). Being a dominant requires a great deal more than just the ability to "scene". Yes impact play, and the ability to do it safely, is part of our way of life. So is fireplay, blood, suspension, and bondage. All these require a special set of skills so as to ensure safety for all parties involved. However, that is just the tip of the iceberg.
To truly excel in BDSM, one must be schooled in many different areas. You will find that truly experienced people, both submissive and dominant, who picked up a great deal of knowledge over the years. For example, most will be able to delve into the psychological aspect of things. I laugh each time I read a profile that states something to the effect "I want a dominant who is into the mental/psychological side of control". Well honey, let me tell you, if he is not into that, you are not dealing with a true dominant. The same is true of submissive who are around this way of life. They understand the psychological aspects of control and what is driving them. They can identify with the things that cause one to put herself in a dangerous situation. There are things that go on within the psyche of a sub which is not readily apparent to those on the outside. However, an experienced one can pick up on it in an instant.
Alcoholics Anonymous is the granddad of 12 step programs. The success of this entity, and all that followed, is that those who suffered help those who are suffering. Since the person has direct experience with that "demon", he or she is more apt to be able to relate to the individual on the same terms. There is no preaching but, rather, a common ground from which fellow sufferers can meet. The "miracle" is that it is not a "misery" meeting as much as one person relating the solution to another. Of course, this idea is not monopolized by 12 step programs because we see it in all types of counseling. Cancer survivors or families of cancer patients perform similar functions for each other. The same is true for parents of kids with autism. I could list hundreds of ailments for which there are support groups but I think you get the point. People who either have been where you are or are there now can provide a powerful message to you.
Why do people in the BDSM world believe they are exempt from this concept? It is amazing to see all the "Self sufficient" people running around. What is amazing is that most of them, if you read their profiles or writings, you will find are suffering a great deal. Yet they seem to have all the answers. Obviously, we are aware that the dominants, at least most of the ones online, know all there is. If you do not believe that, just ask them. It is amazing how a profile created after reading a couple of different websites makes someone instantly dominant. The simple fact is a true dominant will readily admit he does not know all there is to domination and the interaction with a slave. He also embraces the fact that he can learn from both dominants and submissives. Yes, this is something the nitwits will despise but some of the deepest knowledge I received was from slaves. They are an invaluable source of experience and information (so stop talking down to them you jackasses-they are probably smarter than you are).
BDSM is about growth and it is a process that never stops. We begin the journey upon entering this way of life and carry it to the very end. There is always something else to learn. I can write 10,000 blog entries over the course of 40 years and I still will only have scratched part of the limitless lode of knowledge that exists out there. Here is a case in point: how much do you know about aftercare? hypnosis? discipline? anatomy? fear? dependence? emotional control? g-spot? sub-frenzy? self worth levels? psychological and emotional needs? Notice how very few of these are directly about play or scenes. At the same time, one could spend a lifetime studying most any one of these areas, let alone all of them. Yet notice how all of them apply to the world we live in and the relationships we have.
Which brings me to another point: there are a lot of lonely people out there. We live in an interconnected world which is leading people to be more isolated than ever before. People are closed off to those who are there providing assistance. Perhaps it is because there are many who turned out to be less than forthright when dealing online so people are gun shy. Or maybe it is because we are conditioned by the "self help" industry that we can have, do, and be all and that, if we are not, there is something wrong with us. Whatever the reason, many people , if not the masses, refuse guidance or assistance of any kind. They prefer to "do it all on their own" even when their life is going down the tubes. Here is a lesson I learned years ago:
When the universe give you an olive branch, it is a good idea to reach out and grab it.
We never know where inspiration, direction, or a solution will come from. Being closed off to the possibilities that exist because of past episodes means we are going to be repeating much of the same behavior. Since most people are driven, to a large degree, by fear, they end up in a repetitive cycle because the same motivator is in operation. Those who were "burned" a time or two suddenly cannot trust anyone (most will write this in their profiles) hence fear wins again. Now, please bear in mind, I am not telling anyone to ever act blindly. There are a lot of treacherous people out there and many of them are ill-intentioned. It is best to be prudent. However, do not close yourself off to the possibilities that might fall into your lap. As I said, you never know what might be in that next email. It truly might be the olive branch that you seek. One never can tell.
In closing, I will state that my point is to be open. Watch what is presented to you. Seek out knowledge and information about this way of life from as many sources as you can. Simply because you are dominant, do not believe that you have nothing to learn. You do. We all can expand and grow. That is what this way of life (well all of life actually) is about. Reach out when you see those olive branches placed in front of you...it probably is a hand to help you reach the next level of your journey. None of us are self made. We are all products of those who influenced us over the years. Some are personal contacts, others via their words, still others their writings, and some by their examples. No matter what the source, take the opportunity to get out of the interaction what you can.
When the universe gives you an olive branch...
DN
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