A Red Flag Of An Abuser?

We all know that the BDSM world is a paradise for those who want to abuse others.  The umbrella of BDSM provides cover for those who have psychological issues, hate women, or simply want to gain some esteem by beating down (or up) another.  Over the years, I did my best to give some signs that one might be dealing with an abuser.  Naturally, there is no way to be absolutely certain about anyone other than making your best attempt to get to know someone to get as much of a read of him as you can.  Of course, there are some very good con artists out there. For this reason, we mention a variety of way to try and protect oneself.  I am not going to list them all here but steps such as safe words, safe calls, and other means should always be taken.

However, there is a situation that was brought to my attention which is concerning to me.  I want to share this with you to give you an idea of something to be thinking about.  It pertains to the M/s environment but does raise some flags.

To start, I will repeat that a master's role is to help a slave and assist her in growing.  My regular readers know I feel that BDSM is all about growth.  This is the central role that we each provide within the context of a M/s relationship.  For this reason, a Master must avail himself to his slave so as to handle the situations that arise which, in reality, are growth opportunities (many would describe them as problems).  As we learn to handle things, both on the outside and within our minds, our capabilities expand.

Another point that I must mention which factors into this is the seemingly overwhelming belief that doling out punishments is what being a master is all about.  This is simply false.  It is sad how many I come across who simply want to punish regardless of the situation.  In fact, it gets so bad that they actually set up scenarios where it is impossible for the slave to avoid "failing".  Hence, he gets to punish.  To me, this is a red flag and I would put this individual in the class of abuser.

I read an entry on someone's page the other day that really struck me.  The post mentioned bad boys and how many women are attracted to them.  The individual who wrote it certainly identified since she, evidently, was drawn to that type.  Nevertheless, she made a correlation which I found interesting.  The attraction to the bad boy, from what she wrote, is the incredible self confidence they have.  Here is an individual who knows he can get most women he wanted and was willing to flaunt that.  He is the type that will wait all day to text you back luring one in even more.  In short, he is the one that makes you want him with every fiber of your being while at the same time destroying you heart.

What was interesting was the BDSM offered the bad boy persona without the destruction (I guess she meant potentially did).  Masters are suppose to be confident beings while not being cocky.  At the same time, they are suppose to be considerate.  Being a "bad boy" is not being a master.  Those who are willing to ignore the feelings of another are not in control.  They are abusive and manipulative in my opinion.  Yes, masters must make decisions that often go contrary to what a slave feels right or wants.  Making a decision after considering her feelings (and all other facts) is much different than totally ignoring her views altogether.  A bad boy cares not for another.  He is wrapped up in himself which, ironically, is what many dominants present.  Leadership is never about stepping on another but, rather, making the proper decisions after considering all involved.

Getting back to our abuser scenario.  It was mentioned to me that there is one who has a "master" who does not reply to her.  She will text him a question or asking permission yet he will not respond for the entire day.  Of course, if she makes a decision on her own, he is quick to punish.  The way it was presented to me is that "she is always being punished".  It seems like this supposed master enjoys punishment far too much. This is a classic sign of an abuser.  Punishment is designed to alter behavior when one is doing something improper.  A slave has a responsibility to alter her behavior to agree with what he desires.  However, it is not a one way street.

The problem here is this master is failing in his responsibility to her.  It is up to him to make himself available to her.  The fact that he cannot be bothered to answer a text for an entire day shows he has little concern for her.  How can he mold and assist her when he is not in communication?  The answer is he cannot.  What is ironic is, I am sure, he wants every decision run through him.  Once again, how can this occur when he will not reply?  Are you seeing how he is putting her in a "damned if you do, damned if you dont" situation?

Being a master is not about being intolerant.  Too many believe that being strict means being a total a**hole.  Once again, we see a mindset that is completely false.  Being strict means you are consistent with your decisions.  It means issuing punishments when clearly defined boundaries are exceeded.  At this times, when those boundaries are ignored, one is in need of punishment.  Of course, and this is very important, there can always be circumstances which are legitimate.  Hence, having the willingness to listen to her reasons is crucial.  At times, there are valid reasons why a master's command was not adhered to.  A true master understands this and takes it all into consideration.  Again, punishment is about altering behavior yet it is vital to first find out her intent.  The motive behind the action, or lack thereof, is important.  Was she being disobedient or was there a specific reason for her being unable to obey?  If it is the later, there is no reason to punish.

Setting up a slave to fail is abusive.  This is the sign of someone who, in my view, can get much worse.  He is the type that will ignore a safeword during play because he feels it is all about him.  This is an individual who does not appear to have a slave's best needs foremost in his mind.  I would say someone like this suffers from a lack of empathy and, perhaps, has a low self-esteem.  It is a classic case of one feeling better by running someone else down.  This is not mastery and a certain red flag.  Mastery requires one to have the willingness to get into a slave's mindset and work out the problems that exist in there.  He must exert the effort to avail himself to the daily trials and tribulations that she goes through.  At times, when she is overrun with fear, he must insert himself and take that fear head on.  That is his position.  Sure there are times when circumstances in his day preclude dropping everything.  However, it is not outlandish to expect a reply within a reasonable period of time as in the situation I mentioned.  In this era, we have so many forms of communication that enables one to communicate instantly with another.  There really is no acceptable reason for not conveying an answer to someone within a couple hours.  Failure to do so is a sign that one should pay attention to.

DN

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