Sub-Frenzy

Today I am happy to announce that we have a guest poster.  ~V~ is a submissive who has been involved in the BDSM way of life for nearly 25 years.  Over the time, she lived as a slave, was involved in a few commitment long-term relationships as a sub, and involves herself in the play scene as a bottom.  Her experience is well rounded and offers all the readers here a fresh point of view.

The topic we are going to delve into is sub frenzy.  There are a number of beliefs out there what it is according to my brief research into the subject.  However, instead of using someone's theory's, I figured why not get first hand experience from someone who knows it intimately. 

For clarity sake, her words are all italicized and were copied/pasted by me.  This post is exclusively from her point of view so I hope we all can learn from her knowledge and experience.

What Is Sub Frenzy -  As explained by a Seasoned Sub/Slave

 

There are many view points on Sub Frenzy.  It is a subject matter that both Master/Dominate/Top’s as well as Submissive/Slave/Bottom’s should be aware of and educated about for the sake of safety and general knowledge.  As a sub/slave that has been in the lifestyle for close to 25 years, I wanted to share my knowledge and experience for the purpose of education.

 

The mainstream opinion is that sub frenzy is a known phenomenon that affects a submissive new to the BDSM lifestyle.  The analogy of a kid in a candy store is the most commonly used term to loosely describe it.  Though a great part of that analogy is true, that is not the full scope of sub frenzy.

 

Let’s start with that theory first.

 

For this viewpoint… I will use the horrific “her” in regards to submissive.  Though we all know submissive are found in all sexual identities.

 

I have found in life in general, when a person gets a new shiny toy [whatever that toy may be… a car, a bobble, a new X-box game] … that we tend to want to use it, flaunt it, play with it to no end.  When a sub type personality enters the lifestyle, they are thrilled to experience all the freedom, adventure, kink and fun this world has to offer.  It also allows us to finally express the deepest need that we have within our core – to serve. However, the sub found herself in this lifestyle, it’s a new, fun, thrilling, exciting, erotic and yes… very orgasmic welcomed change to the vanilla world.  If this person enters the lifestyle haphazardly, without due diligence and research, direction, a steady grounded hand to guide or mentor them; it is very easy to get in over one’s head quickly.  [Unfortunately, this causes a lot of newer subs to fall prey to less than honorable and or qualified dominate types]  The “I want it all and want it right now” syndrome appears.

 

Here are some of the main actions that characterize sub frenzy:

 

1. Playing too soon with someone you just met.  [Especially online] Not vetting this person thoroughly with background checks or lifestyle references.
2. Not asking questions or learning to negotiate your wants, needs or limits
3. Meeting for the first time in a private location
4. Not setting up or following through with Safe Calls [letting someone know exactly who you are with or where you are as well as checking in periodically with the safe call contact]
5. Playing too often.
1. Not taking time between play sessions to process everything experienced.  [One needs time to absorb and take inventory mentally and emotionally as well as possibly heal]
2. ** Endorphin release/altered states of mind from intense and pain play add to this issue. **
6. Engaging in unsafe/unprotected play
7. Not using safe words in play
8. Engaging in types of play that one is not educated about or knows enough about what is safe, what your limits may be.
9. Surrendering/Agreeing without question
1. This is partially due to their submissive nature but partially due to the need to give in to and please another regardless of gut feelings, better judgment and safety. Newer subs may not understand we still have the right to say NO.  Self-preservation takes a back seat in extreme cases.
10. Falling in love or wanting a commitment before a bond has been established
11. Accepting the first offer of a collar or play partner [at times falling prey to un-reputable or unsafe dominate types who are out to prey on these subs]
12. Withholding personal information/health information just to engage in play or service

 

As I have stated, it’s not only new sub’s that have fallen to sub frenzy.  Seasoned submissive/slave/bottoms have been known to fall victim to this problem. Sub frenzy is loosely a state of mind that a sub may experience at any point in their lifestyle journey. To a seasoned sub the frenzy may take on different characteristics and different depths.

 

I have spoken to many veteran subs that have tripped on this issue. An example is after being released from service or after being out of play for a while a great void is left.  Subs are trying to fill a need that they have become accustomed to having in their life. 

 

At times, sub frenzy can also be described as a state of withdrawal. Our attachments to our Dominates run deep within us.  Our need for approval, to serve, to be cherished and guided is great and very addictive. To some, especially those who were in service or a relationship for an extended period of time…being let go can cause a free falling feeling, [much like despair and disorientation].  We forget the basics of thoroughly checking out a new play partner or perspective dominate.  We forget to let others know who we are going to see, exactly where we are going and setting up a safe call and following through with it.  Our safety and common sense at times can go on the back burner. I have personally fallen trap to playing too much in between sessions soon after being out of play for a while.  As a moderate S&M player… this is a total bone head move motivated by the adrenaline rush of play.

 

** As a side note - Subs may also experience frenzy if they are introduced to a new type of play or the relationship hits a lull.  Life getting in the way of life. **

 

However, on a positive note, a seasoned sub has already identified and surrendered to her beautiful character and nature.  She is more apt to recognize the signs of frenzy and act in a positive responsible nature.  [Especially if she has a support group within the community or known support groups in the online community.  Several on FetLife are available] The idea is to take the edge off the overwhelming need she has that is not currently being met.  I know several sub/slaves that will go to a Dominate [friend] they know and trust and petition for relief.  Depending on the submissive and where that itch lies… whether in domestic, sexual or pain play in nature, they can keep that thirst quenched until a suitable relationship has been established.  I advocate using the resources of volunteer work or mentoring within the lifestyle.  I personally have a Sadist Top that I can petition for pain play only. As for meeting the needs of service, I tend to throw myself into work, family or volunteer work.

 

Why the importance of sharing this information with dominate types?  Knowledge is power.

 

As a Top/Dominate/Master, being aware that a sub is in this state of mind keeps you safe as well.  No one wants the police to show up after an intense session because of miscommunication/misunderstanding or because the sub didn’t know to or was worried about using a safe word just to be pleasing etc.

 

Though I am of the strong opinion a sub is just as responsible for her own safety, I will admit we need Your help when our thought processes become a bit muddled.  Especially those who are knew to the lifestyle and on a sensory overload.  A submissive wants to serve, to give of her special gift.  Though on the whole, we are not weak, but in our desire to serve, we open ourselves to potentially dangerous situations to meet a deep need we have identified and surrendered to.

 

In addition to the state of frenzy, a submissive in the stages of trying to alleviate that burning need may unconsciously do or say things to make her more desirable to a prospective dominate. Often times she will agree to ideas, tasks or play that she either has not interest in or for whatever reason is a hard limit for her.  She will often times mirror what the dominate likes or wants, only to accept a position or collar too soon and be upset later about accepting.  There has been a few times I have unconsciously done this very thing.  It goes deeper than just showing interest in the dominates life.  I have accepted tasks or chores that I would not normally do in my life just to be of service.  I have agreed to types of play that I don’t normally engage.  Somewhere down the line, especially if one jumps into a relationship with a dominate, they eventually ground and the frenzy has passed only to wake up to the fact that they are disgruntled and upset with themselves and the relationship.  The feeling of “What the Hell was I thinking” sets in.  [Which could eventually end a relationship]. 

 

Sub Frenzy is a real and potentially dangerous state of mind.  With this knowledge my hope is that you have a better understanding of some of the variations this can take.  The slower one takes in the relationship, the more open and honest communication can potentially cut down in a submissive making an error they may regret later.  With the Dominates help and guidance this can be reduced even further.  In addition, my hope is that dominates know that letting a sub go without overseeing her until she is with another dominate or at least thoroughly grounded could be at detriment to her. As far as NSA play is involved, it would serve everyone well to make sure she is grounded and not in frenzy before engaging. 

 

Love & Light

 

~V~

DN 

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