January 7, 2015

Fear and Decisions


Wasn't that a wonderful post yesterday on the topic of Sub Frenzy by our guest contributor ~V~.  Hopefully we will be blessed in the future with some more contributions by her.  If you did not get a chance to read it, here is a link to it.

Now we will get back to my writing and perhaps I can convey something helpful to you as well.

Today I am going to delve into the world of decision making.  This is an extremely important subject for the simple reason all of what we do is based upon decision.  In fact, nothing happens in our life, on our end at least, until we decide to do something.  Other than that, we are just a spectator watching the world go by.

In BDSM, the most obvious fact is that masters need the ability to make decisions.  This is common sense since he is the one driving the relationship.  As the one who steers the ship, it is his responsibility to properly navigate perilous waters as they progress.  It is important to note that a slave is tasked with following (although she can certainly have input).  All decisions lie with the master.  Therefore, it is crucial the he enhance his decision making skills as much as possible.

Of course, as you can guess, this attribute is not only limited to the masters.  Slave need to make decisions also.  As I write this I can hear the virtual moans from all the pretenders online.  But a slave need not think, she is just to obey is their mantra.  Well, that might work in their fantasy world of Second Life or whatever, but in the real world this is not the case.  A slave is often tasked with responsibilities by her master in which she needs to make decisions.  Only a fool wants to own a brainless twit.  Slaves are not relegated to stupid simply because they have a submissive trait within them and the burning desire to serve.  In fact, the contrary is closer to the truth.  Most true slaves that I met are very smart and like to be stimulated intellectually.  They do not cower from responsibility and making decisions.  They understand the context that, at times, they are operating within the confines of Master's larger picture through which he delegated a particular area to her.  Therefore, a slave will have to make decisions which she feels are in keeping with the desires of her Master.

This all presupposes one is in a BDSM relationship.  What about the people who are not?  This brings up an excellent point about the decision-making process.  There is a saying in the personal development field that "most people dont get what they want because they dont know what they want".  I found this to be true.  People typically are not clear about their desires.  They simply want things better.  However, the problem with this is that it is an abstract target.  Unless something is clearly defined, it is almost impossible to attain it.  Instead, one becomes a victim of circumstances or, worse, luck.

So how does this apply to BDSM?  Well, as you already know, there are many different paths in the BDSM world.  Without a clear focus of what you want, it is easy to fall into a relationship with someone who offers something different.  I must repeat, for the thousandth time, simply being involved with someone who is submissive if you are dominant (or vice versa) is not enough.  There are a ton of variables which go into making a BDSM relationship (or any relationship) successful.  Overlooking major points is a recipe for failure.

We see this with new people all the time.  When someone first discovers this way of life, he or she is drawn to all the possibilities for fulfillment, happiness, joy, and kinky sex.  Naturally, for those of us who are around awhile know, there is a lot more that need to "match up" before eternal bliss is realized.  As I write almost weekly on here, this process starts by looking within oneself.  The first task is deciding what you want.  Do you want to live as a master/slave?  Or is dom/sub more to your liking?  What does slavery mean to you?  What limits do you have physically, mentally, and psychologically (this might be the most important)?  At the same time, what are you interested in?  Do you like bondage? Impact play? Some of the more "extreme" stuff such as fire play?  What areas do you want power to extend into?  Are you high or low protocol?  Does old school ideals/traditions interest you?  As you can see there are a ton of questions that you can ask yourself which require answers.  It is up to you to decide what you want.  This should be done BEFORE you get involved with another person.

So as you can see, making decisions is important.  Since we know that all aspects of our lives are affected by the decisions we make, how come many people seem so poor at them.  My answer is because they allow our friend fear to enter the picture.  A decision is an action of the mind.  Unfortunately, this is the same place our friend fear resides.  So, when looking at making a potential decision, we see fear arise in the form of negativity which sways our thinking.  For example, consider the decision to commit to this way of life or not.  I feel that it is crucial for anyone who wants to enjoy long term success that he or she commit fully to the BDSM way of life.  Now that does not mean that one walks around wearing leather and leashes all the time.  What it does mean is that one is not going to follow the traditional anymore.  The "vanilla" method of relationships is over.  Or is it?  Remember I said one needs to decide to commit to this and that fear is a constant impediment in the process.  Many, when looking at this choice, consider things such as what if I dont meet someone, what if my family finds out, or what if I meet a nice girl at work, I dont want to pass her up.  As you can see, these are negative thoughts which sways one's ability to decide.  Certainly, these questions should be examined but they should not be the basis of the decision.  We all know it is difficult to find a working BDSM relationship.  However, we experienced the same thing in the vanilla world too.  So leaving the "door open" for an exit out of BDSM is not making a decision.  Instead, one is waffling on the decision.  The fear that something might not work or there might be someone available elsewhere is driving the decision.  This is where fear interferes with the process.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon each of us to learn how to make decisions while removing as much fear from the equation as possible.  Now I will tell you it is impossible to get rid of all the fear.  Our minds are always going to throw up the road blocks.  Nevertheless, it is possible to only focus upon the "facts" in our decision making process and eliminate a lot of the suppositions.  This is extremely helpful in garner the right answers.  Ultimately, your life is the culmination of all the choices you make.  It is best to exercise control over that process.  Look within yourself and truly decide what you want.   Remember that most people fail to make decisions because of fear.  Sadly, not making a decision is a decision.  Once again, we see how fear circumvents the process.  Focus on the positive things that can happen and stop obsessing over the negative.  There is always the possibility that something will not work out.  And if that is the result, so what?  Just because you decide something and it does not go as planned, that does not mean you cannot make a different decision in the future.  Nobody is perfect.  Decide what you truly want and go for it.  That is what leads to success.

DN 

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