Being A Friend

Today, I am going to stray from my usual platform and delve into something that is not spoken about frequently.  This post is going to cover friendship.

I was speaking with a friend of mine, a really close friend, who is not in the lifestyle.  I have known him for roughly 16 years and, over that time, we became quite close.  He is one of those people who will do whatever he can to help another out.  In short, he is a true friend.

Naturally, I try to do the same with him.  A few weeks ago, he was in a situation that I desperately tried to assist him in.  Unfortunately, it did not work out to his betterment at that moment but I was there to try to do what I could. 

The reason I bring up this topic is because I sense the word "friend" has lost the meaning in the Internet age.  Almost every site allows one to add "friends".  This is true for both the BDSM and the vanilla sites.  Open up a profile and you can send almost anyone a friend request.  In fact, many people send the request even without chatting with the individual.  It seems as if some are intent on accumulating friends like they are poker chips or something.  Obviously, these individuals are not friends in even the most remote sense of the word.

Which brings us to the rest of our "friends".  What about those people we do deal with online?  Where do they stand?  Are many of them truly friends?  Naturally, I cannot answer these questions definitively in every instance.  However, once again, we can draw some general conceptions which are helpful.

A true friend is the person who will give you the shirt off his/her back.  This is the type of individual who will offer you part if his/her house is your place burns down.  We all need individuals who are willing to get out of bed and meet us after the wife leaves us (or husband if that fits better).  These are people we can truly count on when our life inadvertently goes awry, which is always going to happen.

So what about the online world?  My conclusion is that it all starts with what type of person I am as an individual.  To start, I must state that when dealing online, we are normally going to have a distance problem.  Therefore, if something does arise, it is difficult to give the person attention since there is usually a geographic distance to cover.  That being said, it is not impossible to be a friend to someone long distance.  I would say that it is helpful if traditional modes of communication are used although skype, yahoo, etc.. often serve as an acceptable (if not better) replacement.  Hearing someone's voice and seeing their face move the level of interaction from one of impersonal to a more genuine form of connection. 

Getting back to the type of person one is, are you one who tries to be a true friend in your interactions?  Do you approach each interaction as if this is someone you are willing to give the shirt off your back?  Now, I must mention common sense mandates that you are not going to be this way with everyone who emails you.  However, over time, interactions and relationships develop.  In these, what is your approach?  This is especially true for dominants.  Do you approach submissives with the intention of being friends with them...true friends?  Judging by the posts I see online by slaves, my guess this is not the case.  Which brings up the question, why not?  A slave is a human being meaning that she shares many of the same attributes as other members of this species.  Dominants, last time I checked, are part of the Animal Kingdom also (albeit many a lesser for of intelligence).  Therefore, at the end of the day, we are just people.

Another point that pertains to this subject.  A submissive individual does not submit or give her power over to just anyone.  Too many seem to believe that a submissive should bow to whomever claims to be dominant.  That is garbage.  A slave is an individual who chooses who she wants to serve.  Certainly, the submissive quality is within her and will come out in all her interactions.  However, it is asinine for me to believe that every submissive I encounter is going to serve me.  It simply is not going to happen. 

So let me ask you, how many people on your friends list on Facebook can you truly count on?  Sure, when you post some dilemma in your life on there, most will post back the proverbial "I am sorry...I hope things get better".  While this is nice, it does little to remedy the situation.  How many take the time to email, text, or call you and ask "is there anything I can do to help out" or "what can I do to make this situation easier on you".  Often, just knowing someone else cares, truly cares, is enough to propel forward in dealing with whatever the situation is.  Talking is a great remedy.  Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.  Are you one who is willing to lend that ear to another and simply listen while he/she gets it out?  Or do you have better things to do and will simply post the I am sorry, good luck on his/her wall?

What is interesting is that I feel people are becoming desensitized to this concept.  What I mean by this is that they do not know how to deal with someone who shows a genuine interest in them, especially when encountering each other online.  Perhaps it is due to the fact that we live in a world where people are "connected" yet isolated.  Thus, they are accustomed to the Facebook friends and little else.  Whatever the reason, I am taken aback at how often signs of genuine concern are rebuffed.  I presume the fact that so many seem to have an agenda would make anyone leery.  Nevertheless, over my years online, I have become accustomed to the fact that few are interested in opening themselves up to someone who truly cares.  My conclusion is that many truly have difficulty with the friend concept.  Instead, they go through life closed off and isolated (even in a crowd).

Finally, if you are interested in having a successful BDSM relationship, you must learn to be a true friend.  It is impossible to achieve any depth with an individual unless you are willing to do that.  Again, for many of the dominant morons online, this will seem like a foreign concept.  The truth is that BDSM is not a one way street.  Our interactions with submissives must be of the give and take variety.  You are not perfect.  This relationship is not all about your desires and needs.  Hers need to be considered also.  What are you doing to make her life better?  How are you being the one who she can turn to when she is truly in need?  Are you willing to listen to her share whatever is going on with her?  Or do you simply pull your master card (pun intended) out of your pocket and tell her to go wash the dishes?  If this is you, then you are in for many failed relationships.  If you are to be her true one, you need to be a true friend to her, someone she is safe with and can trust.  And most importantly, if you are wrong, admit it.  We all screw up.  That is part of the human condition which dominants are afflicted with.  So own up to it.

The world is in desperate need of people who are willing to stand up and care about others.  While we cannot do this with everyone, there are a select few who will enter into our lives whom we can provide this for.  Even those we are interested in being involved with on a different level require this sort of interaction.  So why withhold it from another? 

DN 

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