The Joy Of A New Life

It is always a pleasure to see new people adopt this lifestyle. Whether it is a married couple who decides to add some BDSM into their activities or witnessing one go into a 24/7 relationship, I am always struck by how people take to it.

My impression is that people who are in this lifestyle spend a great deal of time searching before finding it. Obviously, society does not promote our way of life as normal. In fact, it does all it can to dispel it by calling us names. Anyone who risks stepping outside the "norm" is an oddball.

I have seen so many who are involved in vanilla (traditional) relationships who have no business being in them. It is sad to see the lack of passion for life in those instances. These people followed the course which society claims would lead to happiness. Sadly, for them, it fails to lead to that end. Too many are miserable by being "normal".

Does that mean everyone belongs in a BDSM relationship. No. I have seen many who attempt to live this way of life who really were designed for the traditional mode. Simply, they were searching for something that BDSM was not going to give them. M/s as an example, takes a certain personal makeup to succeed. It is something that comes from within. Too many people try to adapt to this way of life. My experience is that it doesnt work that way.

That being said, when one who is designed for this way of life does find it, watch out. It is one of the most heartwarming things to witness. People are like kids at Christmas. Their eyes are opened to the wonder and awe which this lifestyle can offer. Many get the sense of finally "coming home". The freedom experienced is indescribable. It is something that I love to witness.

It takes a great deal of courage to throw off the shackles and try this way of life. Those who break free from their old life to enter this are commended for their decision. And, it is a joy to watch.



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Retraining

Just as every sub is different, so too is every Dom. We all like different things. What is acceptable to one Dom might be unacceptable to another. For this reason, a sub, especially in the M/s world, might need to be retrained for her present Dom.

Let me start by saying that everyone needs some retraining of sorts. People come into this lifestyle with all sorts of ideas. They will vary as to their applicability to that particular Dom. Even new subs has ideas based upon their readings which might need to be evaluated.

The worst situation I find is where a sub was "abused". Unfortunately, there are many in this lifestyle who are pretenders. Because of their lack of concern for the well being of another, they tend to cause much damage. This often leaves a sub completely unsure of herself and her place. Many are so "gunshy" it takes a lot of effort to unravel the dehabilitating thinking. In my book, An Owned Life, I discuss how the psychological damage is often much worse than the physical.

Pretenders are not the only abusive individuals that subs encountered. Child abuse, whether physical or sexual, is an epidemic. I have no idea what the percentages are, but it seems that at least half of all that I encounter suffered some type of abuse. This can cause great havoc if a Dom is not careful. Thoroughly exploring a sub's background before entering a scene, or relationship, is warranted.

An experienced sub will get with a new Dom typically believing that her training was the proper way to do things. Situations like this require a lot of patience on the Dom's part since He must untrain her first. Punishment is not always the proper course of action since she is doing what she thinks is proper. It is how she was taught. And, perhaps, that is how her old Dom wanted things done. Retraining is of great importance.

It would be great if a sub came to Us as a "blank canvass", ready to be molded by us. In reality, everyone has experiences which they draw upon. It is up to Us to guide her through the proper training so she can best serve. Often, there is as much unlearning as learning. Nevertheless, with persistence any setbacks can be overcome.


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Servitude

Those who do not have a desire to serve will never comprehend one's desire to submit. This is a simple fact. Just as a non-alcoholic will never understand an alcoholic, so too do Doms and subs operate on different levels. I feel this separation is enhanced when moving into the M/s realm. There, because of the absolute power exchange, one's desire is fully realized.

Servitude is a subject that is downplayed in the Western cultures. It certainly is not something glorified. Those who are employed in these fields are looked down upon. We esteem athletes, movie stars, and business leaders while degrading those in the service sector. Somewhere along the way, the idea of serving lost its nobility.

Nowhere is this more truthfully than the modern "housewife". For those fortunate enough to rear her children full time, this is as good as it gets. There is no more important job in the world. However, even people who are in this position feel embarrassed. I remember meeting a woman like this once who replied when asked what she did, "I am just a housewife". Even she was embarrassed by her lack of an "admirable" position.

The BDSM world sees subs who want to serve. Yet this causes confusion because it goes against cultural norms. Because of this, many feel that a sub is "less than". I talk about this in my book An Owned Life. There is nothing more esteemable than someone who follows his or her inner desire to serve. Those who choose to live 24/7 in the service of a Master are the ones who really delve into what they want from life. Nevertheless, many feel this person should be degraded.

Being a sub/slave is not a position of weakness. Many of these people are strong. In fact, I have seen many Doms who were weak but for their position as a Dom. It is important to realize a Dom cannot fulfill His needs without a sub. There is no way for one to exist without the other.

Servitude is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of the greatest people in history were servants. This is true for religious and spiritual leaders as well as other famous historians. Mother Teresa is a name that comes to mind.

Subs are cut from this same mold and are worthy of the respect for the service they provide. A Dom need not put her down to make Himself feel more self assured. If you are threatened by a sub, perhaps it is time to work on yourself.

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Erotic Humiliation

Erotic humiliation is something that is tough to describe. Some believe it is a form of abuse. Others feel it is an erotic technique which adds another level to their interaction. My belief is that it can fall into both categories depending upon the individuals involved.

The technique of erotic humiliation is the act of degrading a sub/slave either physically or verbally (or both). Many find this adds to the "separation" of power in the BDSM relationship. The more one is put down, the higher the Other is elevated. It is a method which many subs derive added pleasure and excitement.

However, there is a downside to all this. If this is done with someone who is not able to handle it, the results can be devastating. Many suffer psychological effects from abuse. Those who do not deal with this situation can find erotic humiliation to be detrimental. Instead of adding to a scene the outcome is more abuse.

Like anything else, communication is key. It is imperative that two people sit down and discuss the effects of what is going to occur. Is there something that one has a hangup about? Are there things in his/her past which could cause someone to "lose" it during the scene? These are issues which should be discussed.

Dominating is as much about psychological control as physical. Anyone can physically dominate another as long as there is a size/strength difference. Yet, controlling psychologically is another matter altogether. It takes skill, awareness, and understanding. In addition, it requires one to spend the necessary time learning about the sub so as to successfully navigate the scene. Erotic humiliation is one technique that requires additional knowledge.

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Everyday Life

Concluding that the bdsm way of life is similar to the pictures posted on the Internet is akin to believing that having a family will resemble a Norman Rockwell painting. Or that getting into a relationship suddenly will resemble life in a wine commercial. The truth is life rarely mirrors these things.

The scene is a central part of anyone in the BDSM lifestyle. It is the most fundamental aspect of many relationships. In some cases, it is the entire relationship. However, in most, there is a lot more. Relationships, even in BDSM, have many levels and nuances. People have to deal with different situations just like they do in the traditional world.

No matter how your BDSM lifestyle is structured, there is a better than average chance that one person will need to maintain employment. While some of us are financially free, most are not. Also, there are basic life issues like family, illness, and financial problems all which need to be dealt with. Getting involved in BDSM does not exempt us from life responsibilities.

I see too many people enter this way of life disillusioned as to what they are getting into. Relationships, no matter what the makeup, take word. There are conflicts which will invariably arise. Few are able (or want) to play 24/7. There is a time when responsibility takes over. Also, many seem to believe entering into this way of life will resolve their problems. It will not. Most people's problem is themselves, and engaging in BDSM means that you still brought you. Unresolved issues are not resolved by getting in a BDSM relationship.

This lifestyle offers excitement, freedom, and fun for those who are cut out for it. However, I am not a believer that this is for everyone. Most belong in a traditional relationship. There are some who simply need the structure of a common relationship. For those who gravitate towards this way of life, it is those who do so seeking to fulfill that inner desire which comes from his/her core that seem to be most successful.

So remember, life is still life. Regardless of how you structure your relationships, there will always be things to deal with. BDSM is a lifestyle with life being the key word.

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Educating Yourself

There are many facts out there about the BDSM way of life. Unfortunately, there is as much fiction available too. This is one of the reasons why I write the articles that I post on here. My goal is to try to inform people as much as I can based upon my experiences.

I will never proclaim that book knowledge is any substitute for experience. We have all come across those people online who spew all kinds of wonderful knowledge that they read. Yet, never do they refer to anything in the first person. We can talk about the psychological impact of subspace all we want without ever encountering a real live Dom. Experience is the best teacher.

That being said, this does not mean that we should not educate ourselves about the BDSM lifestyle. This is especially true when one is new. There are many wonderful sites out there which will expose one to some of the basics about this way of life. Books are also a great help. It allows one to learn the different terminolgy commonly associated with different aspects of our life. This will give you more confidence when chatting with others.

Another thing that some basic knowledge allows one to do is to spot some who are trying to pretend to be more than they really are. Subs are truly encouraged to seek this experience. The more you can educate yourself, the better equipped you will be to deal with someone who pretends to be a Dom.

Through my writings, I try to educate as much as I can. That is why I wrote "An Owned Life". You can find a writeup about it here. (I know, cheap plug, but I got to do it). This publication delves into my experience with the M/s aspect of this lifestyle. It is based upon my experience over the past 10+ years.

There is also a forum which is free to sign up for which will allow you to interact with others who are also involved in BDSM. It is a wonderful place for new people to learn about what we are involved in.

Finally, there are some wonderful blogs (other than this one of course) which have people sharing their experiences. I suggest checking a number of different sites out to see what makes sense to you.

Remember, even if you are short on experience because you are new to this way of life, it does not mean that you need to be totally clueless. Educate yourself as best you can so that you are prepared to chat with others. If you can, find someone who is more experienced who can serve as a confidant to you. This is perhaps the most valuable secondhand experience there is.

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Fear of failure

The fear of failure is a natural tendency of all human people. This is not something that is monopolized by those in the BDSM world. When people are new to anything, they usually question their ability to succeed in that endeavor. Questioning is a commonality that the human condition is afflicted with.

How does this relate to BDSM? Simple. I see so many people question whether this is something for them. To me, this is a worthwhile exercise to go through. I believe all need to search within to determine if this is truly what is desired. There are so many different emotions and changes that it is practical to ungo this ritual.

Nevertheless, I see too many people fall victim to the fear of failure. They are worried about not being enough while making mistakes. It is sad to see because nobody is perfect. Everyone will fail periodically. This is equally true for Doms as well as subs. Mistakes are a part of life and how we often learn. Used properly, they can be wonderful experiences in the long run.

This mindset tends to be more commonplace for subs (for obvious reasons). For whatever reason, they feel they need to be perfect for their Doms. To me, this is adding a layer of pressure which is not warranted. There is enough to deal with whenever anyone makes a change in lifestyle without complicating things.

To start, everyone is different. I say this to put all subs at ease. As you all know, I am poly. That means I am involved with different subs simultaneously. I can tell you each is an individual and gets dealt with on that level. No two are the same. Each came to me with different backgrounds, experiences with pillows and paddles (inside joke), likes/dislikes , and knowledge about the lifestyle. I am a believer that there is no "one size fits all" methodology. We are dealing with people. That makes this an art more than a science.

Part of my responsibility to all those I deal with is to train them in the way that I like things to be done. Like subs, each Dom is different. It is unfair for anyone to expect a new sub to know how to interact with a new Dom. It is His responsibility to teach her. And, a Dom needs to have the expectation that a sub will make mistakes. It is part of the process. The important factor is that she learns.

Of course, the depth of the relationship is critical in determining how the interaction occurs. Obviously, if two are together only for a scene, there is less likelihood the sub will make a mistake (there is still a great chance of error on the part of the Dom). If, on the other hand, the two are involved in a relationship of some sort, then there is the ability to disappoint through mistakes. Yet, expecting perfection on the part of either person is unfair and totally unrealistic.

The BDSM world is different in many ways. However, there are some basic interpersonal skills which equally apply to this way of life as any other. If someone has unrealistic demands/expectations, then there can be difficulty in the relationship. Just because there is an exchange of power unlike any other lifestyle, that does not mean that people stop being human. Allow people the latitude to be who they are. It will lead to a happier experience for both of you.

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Finding the right one

Is there such a thing as the right One(one)? I hear many who come into this lifestyle who are seeking that right person. To me, this is a loaded question which necessitates some unraveling. As with anything in the BDSM world, there are many facets to explore.

The first is in the area of romance. Are you getting into this lifestyle with another person or are you presently in a committed relationship which you are looking to expand? This is an important matter. If you already found the one with whom you have that heart connection, then that aspect of the relationship is taken care of. However, there are those who seek BDSM as a way to fulfill that void in one's life. This can be a risky proposition since there are many involved in BDSM who arent seeking that committed one-on-one relationship. This is something that one should look at before getting into this way of life.

Another thing to explore is the different personalities you come across. Just because One is a Dom does not mean that person is the right Dom for you. There is more to a relationship than sex and play. What are the similarities that you both share? Is there a common ground that you both share? Are you seeking 24/7 when the other person is looking for a "playmate" (or vice versa)? Look are these issues to resolve what your desires are.

The final point I want to mention is the concept of "test driving". We do it with cars. The same is true for clothing. In the traditional world, a test drive is commonly referred to as "dating". How many people marry the first person they ever go out with? Very few. Most try out different people before settling with the one whom they make a life commitment to. Of course, half the time that ends in divorce thus making the marriage a test drive.

My point is that the first Dom might not be the best one for you. It is not uncommon for people to be involved with different people over the years. There are personality conflicts to take into account. Also, one must consider the experience of the other person. I have seen instances where a sub needed more than a Dom could give over time. She grew, he did not. Hey, it happens. The idea is to enjoy the time you have and to find what makes you happy.

As I like to say, this is not a "one size fits all".

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BDSM On A Budget

Those who are new to BDSM often are overwhelmed by the high cost of accessories. Anyone who visited the local sex shop or took a tour online realized that you can go through hundreds of dollars trying to put together your "toy" collection. Floggers, paddles, wands, rope, and whips can all add up. Before long, your entire paycheck is spent on BDSM accessories.

I often tell new people to take the entry into this way of life slow. There is no need to jump into it 100% right off the bat. It seems some people want to build an addition onto the house to create the ideal dungeon scene. I might suggest holding off on this idea for a while. Not only do we want to determine likes/dislikes, but the budget is a consideration for most. So, how do we go about this in an economical manner?

It is important to realize that many of the items used in BDSM are taken from other aspects of life. One of the first things to consider is "what was the original use for this item". For example, one of my favorite items is the riding bat. Riding bats/crops are common toys used in BDSM. However, that is not their common use. These items are used in the equine field to motivate horses. Riders are often seen with these in their hands.

How did I use this knowledge to my advantage? Riding bats will run around $20-$30 from most online sex shops. The ones offered in my local sex shop were roughly the same price. However, I did not purchase from there. Instead, I went to the local feed store which caters to the horse community. I was able to get mine for $9.99 and $12.99 respectively. (If you are in an urban area, check out Tractor Supply Store online)

Another way to approach BDSM economically is to use some creativity. There are many household items you can use to create the desired result. The spatula is one of my favorite whipping tools. I use the cheap plastic ones that have some flexibility to them. They can be purchased at most Dollar Stores and provide a terrific slap.

Furniture is something else that gets rather expensive. One can spend a fortune filling a dungeon if everything is purchased online. I found that if someone has the most basic of carpentry skills, he or she can build most items for a fraction of the cost. This will save a ton of money long term.

When I go shopping for my BDSM needs, I do not head to the sex shop or BDSM sites. Instead, I get in the car and to go the local Home Depot (Lowes works fine also). Those types of stores are a BDSMer's paradise. Again, with a little creativity, you can find a host of toys to use in your play. And, it will cost minimal compared to the products offered other places.

You see, BDSM need not be expensive.

BDSM has something for everyone

BDSM is the ideal way to spruce up your love life. It is such a diverse lifestyle that people can implement it into almost any relationship. Unfortunately, the images that are posted on the Internet put an extreme spin on what we are into.

Anyone who is looking at this way of life can choose how deep they want to go. Very few are cut out for the Master/slave level of BDSM. Most do not have that built in level of submission which is required to make a relationship of that nature work. However, most like the idea of light bondage or whipping to excite their sex life.

The BDSM lifestyle has something for everyone. If you go into any sex shop you will see a variety of items designed to increase your sex life. At the same time, anyone can experiment with the exchange of power. Role playing is an ideal way to stimulate this part of one's relationship. Public humiliation is another technique which can enhance this concept.

BDSM is limited only by one's imagination. One need not go to the full lengths of BDSM to enjoy it. Extreme or light BDSM, the most important thing is that you enjoy yourself.

There are plenty of fakes

This is a topic which pains me to write but it is something that needs to be said. I consider this sort of a "public service announcement" for those who are new to this way of life. Hopefully, these words will save one from enduring some unnecessary pain.

People who approach this lifestyle often do with fascination and excitement. We all remember the wonder we had when we first learned that this world existed. That being said, these same people are also somewhat impressionable at that time. This is where people who are looking to play games usually can be found. The "pretenders" prey upon those who know little. They cower when confronted by someone who knows what this way of life is all about.

Remember these words: there are plenty of fakes. This is especially true for those who like to meet people online. The Internet offers a wonderful means by which one can create any persona he or she wants. Past experience matters little since there are few opportunities to show proof. The games that are played range from the absurd to the outright dangerous.

If you read my other posts, you know that I believe this lifestyle is not about sex although that is part of it. At the same time, it is not about control although that is a large aspect also. It is about two people fulfilling internal needs based upon their basic core makeup. A Master/Dom is that way because of something within him (or her). At the same time, a sub/slave is submissive because of that same core makeup. Finally, we are not here to abuse or be abused.

Pretenders know none of this. Instead, they are constantly looking for those with whom they can score. The idea of dominating is have one do whatever he wants. Basically, they are looking for a slut who will never say "no". They never approach the deeper levels of domination or submission since they dont realize they exist.

At the other end, there are those who claim to be subs/slaves yet are actually after something different. The idea of submitting is appealing although I tend to believe those who are pretending do so because of a lack of attention in other areas of life. This is how one gains her esteem. It is not the lifestyle that is appealing as much as the idea of someone taking interest in her (or him).

Of course, I am making sweeping generalizations here. The point is that those who are true to this lifestyle will emerge if you are patient. You might need to weed through lots of "bad apples" before you find One who is real. The same is true if you are seeking a sub. Many claim to be but few are. There are thousands of chatrooms filled with pretenders as we speak. They are all over the place.

To thine own self be true

William Shakespeare penned these words over 500 years ago. I don't know if he was into BDSM, but it certainly applies in my estimation. To me, this is the foundation upon which a person can create a fantastic BDSM life for him or herself. Without this concept in that person's heart, everything will eventually unravel.

I was chatting with a slave of mine about someone we both know who was "experimenting" with the lifestyle. It seems that her Dom recently passed away. I was reminded of some conversations I had with this woman some time ago. Our interaction was strictly online play. In my estimation, she was not ready to make a commitment to this way of life. Basically, she was not sure it was for her.

Whenever I am confronted with someone who is in this situation, I always tell that person that he or she must decide if this is what is truly wanted. Nobody else can decide that for them. It is an individual decision. As mentioned, without it, all else is doomed.

There are too many people who want to rush into committed BDSM relationships without having any idea whether this is what is wanted. I often encounter women who want to find a Dom to see if this is for them. Sadly, these are the ones who get taken advantage of by the pretenders that exist. Finding a Dom is not the first part of the process. Determining our true desires is what is the initial phase that each of us must pass through. To relate it to the traditional world, this approach is like finding a husband to determine if you are heterosexual or not. Simply, it is putting the cart before the horse.

Many people have strong opinions about this way of life. Sadly, there is a lot of misconception out there about what we are into. We receive pressure from not only society, but our own family and friends. Most people fail to accept when someone chooses to live life different from the norm. It is sad, but true.

For this reason, everyone who looks at this lifestyle needs to be true to him or herself. Search deep within you to resolve if this is what you really want. Do not try to turn to this way of life to make up for some lack in your other way of life. That is also a recipe for disaster. People who succeed in BDSM relationship do so because they know it is the life that they want to lead.

The Pleasure of Pain

Many find great pleasure in experiencing pain.  This is one of the major draws to the BDSM lifestyle.  People who want things to "get rough" are often looked at oddly when in traditional relationships.  However, that is par for the course in the BDSM world.

Not everyone is into pain.  Just because one decides to enter this way of life, that does not mean he or she is into pain.  Yet, many enter with a curiosity about it and how it will fit into their lives.  This is where One needs to be careful.  A good Dom (Domme) will do what is necessary to take a sub to his/her limits while avoiding permanent damage.  I have seen it more than once where One went too quick, leading to adverse consequences.

So, how does One go about this?  In my opinion, it is something that should be taken slowly (when dealing with someone new).  Communication is extremely important.  Obviously, the safe word is one of the first indicators that One went too far.  This allows the sub to stop the scene when it becomes too much.  However, a sub might not always be aware of what is happening.  The monitoring of the situation is paramount.

I like to start with a simple paddling to get a sub accustom to the physical sensations.  It is easiest if it done during sex since this combines the pleasure and pain aspects.  A hand is the most commonly used "item".  I would surmise this is how many begin their BDSM quests.  

Next, I might add a spatula to the mix.  This leads to a striking of the ass to incur the same sensations as the hand (except it hurts me less).  Adding a foreign object to the mix tends to heighten the scene in my experience.

Striking the same area repeatedly will give the "burning" sensation.  The impact need not be too hard.  It is equally effective to strike the same area with moderate power.  Under this scenario, the sub will feel the heating up of the skin.

Many of you know that one of my favorite toys is the riding bat.  This is a tool that can be used with great precision.  I found it most effective when it strike the same area with quick repeated blows in sets of five.  This is true whether I an hitting the nipples, ass, or clit.  Subs find the sensation to be intense.  Also, I further heighten it by resting for a few seconds then going back to the same spot.  This keeps the spot aflame (not literally for all you pyros).  You will actually feel the heat when touching that area with your hand.

Pain is a wonderful facet of this life for many.  Anyone who has dealt with a pain slut knows the pleasure he/she derives from being whipped.  There are many different ways to accomplish this task.  Yet, remember, safety is allows at the top of the list.