February 23, 2009

Fear of failure

The fear of failure is a natural tendency of all human people. This is not something that is monopolized by those in the BDSM world. When people are new to anything, they usually question their ability to succeed in that endeavor. Questioning is a commonality that the human condition is afflicted with.

How does this relate to BDSM? Simple. I see so many people question whether this is something for them. To me, this is a worthwhile exercise to go through. I believe all need to search within to determine if this is truly what is desired. There are so many different emotions and changes that it is practical to ungo this ritual.

Nevertheless, I see too many people fall victim to the fear of failure. They are worried about not being enough while making mistakes. It is sad to see because nobody is perfect. Everyone will fail periodically. This is equally true for Doms as well as subs. Mistakes are a part of life and how we often learn. Used properly, they can be wonderful experiences in the long run.

This mindset tends to be more commonplace for subs (for obvious reasons). For whatever reason, they feel they need to be perfect for their Doms. To me, this is adding a layer of pressure which is not warranted. There is enough to deal with whenever anyone makes a change in lifestyle without complicating things.

To start, everyone is different. I say this to put all subs at ease. As you all know, I am poly. That means I am involved with different subs simultaneously. I can tell you each is an individual and gets dealt with on that level. No two are the same. Each came to me with different backgrounds, experiences with pillows and paddles (inside joke), likes/dislikes , and knowledge about the lifestyle. I am a believer that there is no "one size fits all" methodology. We are dealing with people. That makes this an art more than a science.

Part of my responsibility to all those I deal with is to train them in the way that I like things to be done. Like subs, each Dom is different. It is unfair for anyone to expect a new sub to know how to interact with a new Dom. It is His responsibility to teach her. And, a Dom needs to have the expectation that a sub will make mistakes. It is part of the process. The important factor is that she learns.

Of course, the depth of the relationship is critical in determining how the interaction occurs. Obviously, if two are together only for a scene, there is less likelihood the sub will make a mistake (there is still a great chance of error on the part of the Dom). If, on the other hand, the two are involved in a relationship of some sort, then there is the ability to disappoint through mistakes. Yet, expecting perfection on the part of either person is unfair and totally unrealistic.

The BDSM world is different in many ways. However, there are some basic interpersonal skills which equally apply to this way of life as any other. If someone has unrealistic demands/expectations, then there can be difficulty in the relationship. Just because there is an exchange of power unlike any other lifestyle, that does not mean that people stop being human. Allow people the latitude to be who they are. It will lead to a happier experience for both of you.

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kittenone on February 24, 2009 at 1:05 AM said...

This is one of the best pieces of advice kitten has read, the pressures we place on ourselves to be perfect is sometimes so strong we lose track of the important things in our lives.
Fear is the one emotion that has no boundries, it hits at anytime and any where, and once that fear is in your head it is so vey hard to get rid of, a patient Dom or Master helps tremdously and so does realising that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, not letting the fear of failure take control is one way to grow and learn


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