February 27, 2009


Just as every sub is different, so too is every Dom. We all like different things. What is acceptable to one Dom might be unacceptable to another. For this reason, a sub, especially in the M/s world, might need to be retrained for her present Dom.

Let me start by saying that everyone needs some retraining of sorts. People come into this lifestyle with all sorts of ideas. They will vary as to their applicability to that particular Dom. Even new subs has ideas based upon their readings which might need to be evaluated.

The worst situation I find is where a sub was "abused". Unfortunately, there are many in this lifestyle who are pretenders. Because of their lack of concern for the well being of another, they tend to cause much damage. This often leaves a sub completely unsure of herself and her place. Many are so "gunshy" it takes a lot of effort to unravel the dehabilitating thinking. In my book, An Owned Life, I discuss how the psychological damage is often much worse than the physical.

Pretenders are not the only abusive individuals that subs encountered. Child abuse, whether physical or sexual, is an epidemic. I have no idea what the percentages are, but it seems that at least half of all that I encounter suffered some type of abuse. This can cause great havoc if a Dom is not careful. Thoroughly exploring a sub's background before entering a scene, or relationship, is warranted.

An experienced sub will get with a new Dom typically believing that her training was the proper way to do things. Situations like this require a lot of patience on the Dom's part since He must untrain her first. Punishment is not always the proper course of action since she is doing what she thinks is proper. It is how she was taught. And, perhaps, that is how her old Dom wanted things done. Retraining is of great importance.

It would be great if a sub came to Us as a "blank canvass", ready to be molded by us. In reality, everyone has experiences which they draw upon. It is up to Us to guide her through the proper training so she can best serve. Often, there is as much unlearning as learning. Nevertheless, with persistence any setbacks can be overcome.

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