Willingness versus Ability

Many who are new to the lifestyle are concerned about their ability to serve the One they are with. This is a natural reaction since the desire to please is so great. However, I feel that ability is secondary to willingness. At least this is true initially.

Each person is different in terms of their skills, background, and experiences. It is unfair to expect someone new to the lifestyle to perform the same as one who has years of experience. This is true in all aspects of life. Some learn rather quickly while others take a little longer. The key, for me, it is to have a sub/slave progress at a rate that is proper for her.

I found that ability is not what determines one's success in serving. What is the determining factor is the willingness that one has each day. A sub/slave who is unwilling will not be successful. I often wonder why one got into the lifestyle each time I encounter someone like this.

The actions that one is expected to take can be taught. Over time, I can show a sub/slave exactly what I want done. Yet, the willingness to serve is something that I cannot provide. I believe this is a trait that is ingrained in that person which I simply help to uncover.

So, when I get with someone who is new, this is the first area that I focus my attention on. It is the willingness that seems to make the difference.

BDSM: Flogging

Flogging is a way for both the top and bottom to receive pleasure. Many like the "pain" that goes along with this. However, it is usually the endorphin rush that is sought after. The bottom can get a "high" in certain situations.

Flogging is about power for the Dom/Master. The sense of pleasure that comes from this power is stimulating. Also, many of us like to give a sub/slave pleasure if she is one who enjoys the sensations from flogging. For both, there is erotic stimulation.

The technique of flogging is simple but not easy. A good flogger will provide a nice snap on the intended target. Nevertheless, it is important to approach this technique with safety. A great deal of damage can be done to one if care is overlooked.

To start, never strike a person with a flogger (or anything else) in an area that could be damaged. This includes, but is not limited to, face, neck, joints, or areas where there arteries. Permanent damage can be inflicted. Also, for the back, always go across it taking care to avoid hitting the spine. The small of the back is another place to stay away from. In general, it is best to always strike an area of the body where there is some "meat".

Personally, my favorite area to flog is the ass. It is safe thus removing the possibility for injury. That area also allows for some leeway with the strikes. It is best to give yourself a margin of error.

Flogging takes a bit of talent. I suggest practicing on an inanimate object such as a pillow or a pole to get accustomed to the action of the flogger. When using any whipping tool, wrap-around is always a concern. Practice will give you a feel for the length and power of the strokes. Also, learning how to adjust the amount of impact is crucial. It will allow for the sensations to be heightened by alternating the force.

As for the flogger itself, there are hundreds of types on the market. I will not go into them here. What I will suggest is to avoid the cheap ones that are available at gag stores. A good flogger will have a solid handle with strong tails. Leather is a good material for this. Of course, your price range will be a deciding factor but investing in a good flogger is necessary. It is one of the basics of the BDSM world.

BDSM Dictionary

The BDSM world, like most others, has it's own language. There are many terms which can confuse a new person. Names such as top, bottom, and switch carry different meanings than everyday society. There are also a variety of techniques which are understood by their explanation rather than their names.

Here is a wonderful resource that was compiled to help explain some of the terms of the BDSM lifestyle. It is a BDSM dictionary.

Click here to view.

Nipple Clamps

Nipple clamps are a wonderful way to enhance a sexual encounter. There are many forms that people turn to. In my previous post, I mentioned one of the simplest and least expensive; the clothespin.

The sensitivity of one's nipple varies from person-to-person. Some really love the feeling of having them "crushed" under the pressure of the clamp. Others are not so fond of this activity. It is important to experiment with your one to see where the limits fall.

If you enter any sex shop, you will find many different types of clamps available. If there is a BDSM section, the selection will be rather large. There are tweezer, Japanese clover, and forcep clamps. Not only are these available, but some have chains attached for increase pleasure. This offers the ability to lead him or her around via the clamps or connect to a collar. The choice you make will depend a great deal on your budget.

Spending a lot of money on clamps is not necessary. The clothespin offers an excellent example. You can also use hair pins or clips used on potato chip bags. These items are available at the local Dollar Store. In fact, most people have them laying around the house.

A final option is to head to your local home building center. Outside of the sex shop, this is a favorite of BDSMer. For clamps, there are a variety to choose from. If you are into extreme, alligator clamps found in the electrical section are inexpensive. One can also go for the vice clamps in the hardware section.

As you can see, there are lots of choices with nipple clamps. Whichever you choose, the idea is to stimulate the nipple so that it stands out proudly. Attach the clamp to it providing some pain for a short period of time. Once the nipple numbs up, you will be able to experiment in your play. For me, I find great pleasure in the removal of the clamps since the blood rushing back in causes a second way of pain (this is especially true with the alligator clamps).

A final note, remember not to leave the clamps on for too long. When participating in BDSM, it is critical to not cut off the blood flow to any part of the body for an extended period of time. This could result in injury.

Simple Play (Punishment)

BDSM is a wide spectrum ranging from the soft to the extreme. How deep one ventures is entirely up to that person. For many new people, it is overwhelming. They read different articles and sites on the Internet only to learn that there are many layers to this lifestyle. What is one to do?

Spanking is a simple way to enhance your pleasure. It is also a mild entry into the BDSM world. Obviously, many experiment with this technique often not realizing that it is consider to be part of BDSM. I would guess the vast percentage of the population has spanked/been spanked during sex. Again, this is a mild form of BDSM yet something that many can expand upon.

For those couples who have determined the Dom/sub roles, spanking is a wonderful way to move a bit deeper into the lifestyle. Punishments are often necessary for one's training. A spanking is a terrific way to levy a punishment. The severity of the blows can be adjusted to reflect the magnitude of the misdeed.

Spanking also will allow a sub to experiment with her pain threshold. Many find that pain provides them pleasure. Helping a sub find her limits is one of the primary responsibilities of a Dom, especially when they are romantically involved with each other. Spanking offers the pain aspect without getting into the extreme segments of the lifestyle that include whips and canes.

Try this time tested technique. You will find that spanking offers the dual role of being an act of pleasure, and one of punishment.

An Easy Entry Into BDSM

Many try to over complicate things when looking at the BDSM way of life. While it is a lifestyle for many, for others it is a way to spice up the ole sex life. When first experimenting with BDSM, it is best to start with some basic things.

A trip to the local sex shop will quickly reveal that one can spend lots of money on BDSM accessories and toys. To say that these devices are not cheap is an understatement. You could literally spend thousands of dollars outfitting yourself with all that you need; a number that doesn't take furniture into consideration. Add that to the equation and the total will surpass $10,000.

Before you take out a personal loan to finance your kinky activities, it is best to start with the basics. This will allow for you to learn different techniques while saving money. One of the most basic accessories you can use is the ordinary wooden clothespin. This is something that you can buy for pennies yet is extremely versatile.

Read anything about BDSM techniques and you will find that clamps are a common part of the lifestyle. Many scenes will involve this in some form. Clamps are used for nipples, clits, and cocks. They can also be put on any part of the body where the Dom/Master wants to apply a bit of pain. Many find the pinching adds to the sensation of being dominated.

Again, before running out to the local sex shop and purchasing different kinds clamps with chains, consider playing with the clothespins that are laying in your laundry room. These items will give the same benefit as a clamp for a few cents. If you are feeling really feisty, put a number of them on the breast at the same time.

Another wonderful technique that is done with clothespins is something called the Zipper. This is a system where a number of clothespins are tied together and placed on the body. The removal is similar to a zipper being opened. For a full description of how to use this technique, click here.

As you can see, your entry into BDSM need not be expensive nor extravagant. Often, a trip to the local hardware store offers some of the best ideas.

The Most Popular Form Of BDSM

The other day I read that wax play is the most popular form of BDSM play. I do not know if I agree with this assessment completely. When I think about it, I would think that spanking and other activities of that nature would be more common. Perhaps the writer was referring to the more "hardcore" BDSM activities. Regardless, it is something that I know many enjoy.

Candle wax certainly will increase the eroticism of any scene. Many love the sensation of the hot wax hitting their skin. This is enhance if you add some ice play to cool the skin first. The contrast in temperatures is amazing.

Since we seem to be getting so many new people following this blog based upon the email I receive, I thought it best to offer some suggestions for safe wax play.

Here are a few things that can enhance the experience.

1. The choice of candle is crucial. Many want to get exotic candles to enhance the experience. They believe the perfumes in them will aid in the atmosphere. This is the exact opposite that should be done.

I find that the inexpensive candles that are available at the local Dollar Store are the best. They burn at a lower temperature than the more expensive ones which can cause burning. Also, a plain white candle is best since many are allergic to the dyes in the colored ones.

2. The candle should be held at least a foot above the one that you are working on. This will allow the drippings to cool somewhat on the way down. Anything closer than a foot could cause burning.

3. If there is hair anywhere on the body, it is best to rub that area down with baby oil. This enable you to easily pull the wax off without taking the hair with it.

4. This seems obvious but avoid all contact with the eyes. It is dumb that I have to state that but people are amazing how they can overlook the obvious.

5. Do not go for the genitals or tits immediately. Start with the locations that arent as sensitive like the arms, legs, or stomach. People react differently and focusing on these areas first will allow you to guage the other's reaction. If all goes well there, then you can go for the genitals.

6. Use a safe word. If it gets to bad for him or her, that person has the right to stop the scene. Give the option of telling you that it is too much. A safe word is the easiest method to do this.

7. Have fun. Experiment and play to determine what works best for you.

Real Versus Role Play

How much in the BDSM world is real versus that which is role play? The answer to this question resides in the two people who are involved in the relationship. It is up to them to determine what the boundaries of their relationship are. Like I continue to mention, there is not a "one size, fits all" model to follow. BDSM offers the flexibility to create whatever it is that you desire.

The other day I wrote about the use of professionals. When engaging in this behavior, one is most likely acting out a particular fantasy. Depending on what it is, there can be an assumption of roles during the scene. Many like to create entire scenarios surrounding the scene. This is a wonderful way to explore one's desires.

People who are involved in more committed relationships also can implement role playing into their interactions. Some like to live out the "bad little girl idea","teacher-student", or "pet play". All of these can occur during a casual interaction or within the confines of a deeper relationship. It depends upon what the parties are interested in. That is why I always suggest that people experiment to see what they like. BDSM is a fascinating world open to anyone who wants to try it.

Many seem to feel this is common sense. However, there are lots of new people who seem to ignore common sense when it comes to BDSM. For whatever reason, they act in ways that defy logic. I see too many put themselves in potentially dangerous situations which would never occur if they were pursuing a traditional relationship. It seems they think things are different because this is BDSM. Many of the same interpersonal skills used in other walks of life apply here. The BDSM relationship is still a relationship.

To me, role play is real. Some choose to live this way of life 24/7. That is their privilege. Others elect to only implement BDSM in the bedroom. Another fine way to approach it. Playing Master/slave during a scene has the same effect during that time as being a real slave. The lashes are equally real. Certainly, I am not claiming this person is a slave because of a role assumed. However, this person is engaged in BDSM even if for only a short period of time.

Mindset is a crucial component in all of life. Approaching BDSM with the proper outlook is crucial to having an enjoyable experience. Too many believe there is only one method to this way of life. Some of the experienced people like to degrade the way others choose to live. That is garbage. This is the attitude that turns people away from this lifestyle. BDSM is about living one's life in a manner pleasing to that person. However one chooses to go about it, as long as it is safe, is wonderful. Let the opinions of others be damned.

Professionals

Many seek out the services of professionals to fulfill their BDSM fantasies. For many, this can be a wonderful way to approach the lifestyle. It is a route that one can choose which offers a greater chance of being with someone knowledgeable, thus decreasing the likelihood of getting hurt. Professionals offer a service that many cannot find anywhere else.

We have all seen the episodes on television where a high power male hires a Dominatrix to work on him. This is a common impression that the mainstream likes to portray. However, there are many different variations on this theme. There is an equal chance the professional is a male. Also, women are as likely, if not more, to enlist the services of a professional as her male counterparts.

The use of a professional creates an environment where the scene is high structured. All components of the scene will be determined ahead of time. The use of safe words is always present with a professional. I have yet to meet one who did not insist on them. Also, they are usually very specific with what they will do. There are certain areas of play which they will not engage in and He or She will mention them.

Do not call a professional for sex. These people are not escorts or prostitutes. They perform a service that is legal. However, crossing the line into sexual activity while being paid puts each in legal peril. In fact, penetration with anything is considered sex-for-pay and off limits. Anyone who offers that as part of the service needs to be avoided, in my opinion. I would believe that person is laying a trap of some kind. It might simply be ignorance but that is not something that I would want to risk.

This is a business arrangement. Remember that when "negotiating" with this person. Each side is worthy of certain respect while adhering to a certain protocol. Just because you are seeking this person's services does not mean that you are agreeing to submit unconditionally. As mentioned, there are boundaries established which each side adheres to. The treatment that you receive will reflect your status as a customer.

A final word: the use of a professional is for the purpose of pleasure only. The hiring of this person does not make you a slave. A BDSM fantasy is being lived out by people who are partaking in certain roles. The submission is only for the scene itself and not part of a larger context. The term "slave" is not valid other than to enhance the moment of the scene. A true slave carries a completely different meaning. If you encounter someone who immediately pushes you into "slave" mode, pack up your stuff. There is a good possibility this person is not really a pro.

Figging

Figging is a type of BDSM play that does not seem to get much publicity. It is something that I heard dates back to ancient times. As a sexual practice it can be exciting and increase the pleasure for both Dom and sub.

This technique involves the ginger root for anal play. Ginger, in it's pure form, has a bit of a burn to it. As an anal toy, this is stimulating for many. It heightens the senses while walking the pain/pleasure line.

Here is how this play goes.

1. Tie the sub up on your favorite position so that the ass is accessible to you.
2. Insert the ginger root "finger" into the ass until it reaches the ring.
3. Watch the reaction you get as the "burn" increases (you might want to play with him or her while this is happening).

It is a simple technique that provides a great deal of pleasure. The trick in this is the preparation. Your success is determined by how well you do with this.

Here is how you prepare the ginger for figging.

1. Start with a full hand of ginger. Most stores sell ginger pre-cut into fingers. Only buy full hands of ginger-an oriental grocery store might be the best bet.
2. Cut the finger off down near the hand. Make sure the finger is at least 3.5-4 inches.
3. Remove the skin of the ginger and make the finger smooth with a potato peeler or knife.
4. Cut a ring about 3/4 of the way down for the anus to grip onto. (1/2 inch wide should be perfect.
5. Wash ginger in cold water to lubricate.

A few words of caution. The juices from the ginger will burn if it gets in contact with the eyes. After preparing the ginger root, wash your hands thoroughly to avoid touching your or the sub's eyes during play. Also, be sure to use a "finger" that is thick enough in diameter so as not to snap while in the ass. Finally, avoid any lubricants during this play since they will tend to seal the ginger. Use water and insert slowly until the anus accepts it.

Figging is an ancient practice is ideal for enjoyment and can be used as punishment. The "burn" will vary for each individual. Some reported it similar to the sensation of using a muscle cream. Others said it is like the feeling of eating a hot pepper. I found that those who enjoy pain really love this technique. Experiment with it and see what you find.

Entry Into The Lifestyle

I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was recently introduced to our way of life. He recently got with a girl who is equally interested in BDSM and all that it offers. Neither has much experience in this area so they are seeking guidance as to the best approach. People who regularly read this blog know that I believe one of the main benefits of BDSM is the flexibility for two people to design a relationship how they see fit. I suggested that these individuals experiment to find what worked for them.

What was interesting about the conversation was his belief that he needed to be an expert immediately. I sensed that both wanted to attain a level which comes from years of experience. They certainly had the desire to dive into it full-tilt. While this is a natural tendency, I mentioned that perhaps a bit slower approach is beneficial. Many are hurt by one or both parties moving too quickly. It is important for both individuals to feel comfortable with the progress being made.

Limits are something that every person needs to determine. Experienced people know exactly where their boundaries are. Nevertheless, new people need the time to decide what they like and dislike. Here, conjecture is often misleading. Many believed that felt a certain way about something only to later determine that they liked it. A good Dom will take a sub to a limit, then try to move that person past it. This requires taking things a little slower. Shocking one is usually not a good thing.

Thus, the lesson of the day is to take things slow. The BDSM world is one that is diverse and exciting. However, there is no need to experience it all in a matter of days. Experimentation is the best practice; find out what your likes and dislikes are. And, always remember, safety is the top priority.

Unhappy People

Have you ever been to a party and seen someone who is completely miserable? Of course, we all have. What is interesting is that the same thing occurs at BDSM or swinger parties. There are some people who just want to sulk regardless of the environment.

I was recently at a swinger's party (I know not BDSM but bear with me) where there was one there who was a total party killer. This particular event had a fair bit of action. Unlike many where people are standing around, on this evening people were getting into it. Sex was occurring everywhere. For those who like the group thing, it was an amazing site.

Now to our party killer. She was someone who I did not know. However, within minutes of being introduced to her she was ranting about how horrible everything was. She proceeded to degrade most of the men there and all the women. To her, there was something wrong with everyone. I am sure you can identify with this type of person.

Luckily, I was able to get away from this woman. She is nothing but a constant complainer. Nothing is ever good enough for her. In truth, she is a miserable person. Personally, I want nothing to do with anyone like that. Life is too short to occupy my time with killjoys such as her. Let her find someone who is as miserable and they can have a pity party together.

This reminds me of another one who was at a BDSM gathering that I attended a couple of years ago. The event was held at a friend's house who is deeply involved in the lifestyle. He and his wife really have a BDSM playground. Almost every room in their house is set up for play. Every toy you can imagine was there. They even managed to create a full dungeon room for scenes to take place. Overall, it is one of the better BDSM houses I saw.

You can guess what I am going to mention next. Another killjoy. There was a man there who complained the entire evening. If it was not the furniture that got it, it was the accessories. First he was upset that they didn't have any bamboo (guess they ran out; who knows). Then, he focused on how a dominatrix was doing a scene all wrong. After that he decided that this party was not worth the distant that he had to drive. Thankfully, I can say I never saw this person again.

My experience is that people like this cannot be reasoned with. There are some who are just miserable in their life. Many of them have control issues which leads to them having attitude since we all know most things in life are out of our hands. People are often jaded over past relationships, emotions which they never dealt with. Sadly, these are the ones who are the loudest. Their insecurities make them believe that everyone else needs to hear them.

BDSM is a way of life that is exciting, fun, and enjoyable. However, it does not solve our life problems. Also, the issues that other people have are prevelant in this lifestyle. When people want to bring all their misery and unhappiness to you, it is best to walk the other way. Why allow these people to ruin your day?

Maturity

This is a lifestyle that demands maturity. There is no place for those who approach it from an immature perspective. If people cannot handle being adult about our way of life, then it is best for that person to move on. It is my experience that people who fail to be able to do this end up hurting themselves and others.

I wrote previously about many having "the need to be right". This is an immature approach that stems from low self esteem. We see this evidenced when any of their ideas are challenged. The situation is worsened when you look online. Many are braver when they have the anonymity of the Internet to hide behind. Cyber courage is commonplace with these people. They rant and rave through the keyboard calling others all kinds of names. Ironically, these cyber bullies cower when confronted with a situation in real life. This is my experience anyway.

There is also the subject of jealousy. This is another sign that reflects a degree of immaturity. Many feel threatened when their One is with another. If this is something that you experience, I would say the traditional world is more to your likening. Quite a few who are in this way of life are poly in some form or another. One might take on multiple partners during a scene. Also, He or She might have the sub be with multiple people (if that is an area they agreed to venture into). Basically, group sex is commonplace and those who see green are going to have difficulties.

The final area of immaturity is in dealing with others. There is a lot of "she said, she said" (I refer to it is the feminine since it is women who I see to engage in this more than the men). People are too easy to get their panties in a ruffle; if we wore any. Many feel the need to take digs at others to prove their worth to their Dom. In fact, I witnessed situations where subs tried to one-up each other by proclaiming who had the better Dom/Master. This certainly reminded Me of the schoolyard where the child says "my daddy is better than your daddy". Again, this was a situation that occurred online.

The decision to enter into this way of life takes a strong ability. There are many out there who are jaded and angry over events of the past. If you are one who hates men because of your past relationships, as an example, then BDSM is not going to solve your issues. You need to work those out before trying to find a Dom/Master. The bottom line is that many need a good dose of growing up. Stop blaming everyone else for the issues that you have.

As a writer I am often criticized for the words that I set down. Many seem to feel the need to express their opinion if they do not like something. Of course, that is their right and I welcome it. However, I also have the ability to ignore the insults that arise occasionally. Some just cannot help but to be mean. Naturally, these typically are the ones who are miserable in their own lives. To Me, these people are not worth the time to respond. This is what I believe the mature approach is.