Lessons From A Swinger

Many of us are involved in a variety of different lifestyles. BDSM is just one of them. We are nudists, swingers, transvestites, gay, goth, and a variety of other things that run counter to the norms of society. For this reason, we have a plethora of resources and experiences to draw upon.

Recently, I learned the lesson of how a certain way of life is not for everyone. Some simply cannot adapt to a certain lifestyle. In those instances it is best for one to move on to something else. Sadly, few can do this until they endure a great deal of pain. Typically, pain is a persons greatest motivator.

Many people think they are cut out to be swingers. It is not uncommon to see a couple enter into that lifestyle with the idea of having sex with many different people. They are like children in the proverbial candy shop. He is thinking of all the pussy he will get while she is imagining all the cocks she can ride. Of course, they overlook the fact that emotions are involved.

Oftentimes, it is the guy who awakens up to reality. While he was focusing on the pussy, he didnt realize that another (other) cocks would be filling his wife. This hits many men in the self confidence arena. Somehow he feels he will be judged. Or, that green giant, envy, hits him like a brick. Suddenly, a wild lifestyle turned into a jealous outrage. He just doesnt like the idea of his wife with other men.

Recently, I witnessed this situation. Fortunately, he was "man enough" to admit that he could not handle the lifestyle. It was a valuable lesson. Both him and his wife were extremely nice people who would be fun to interact with. Nevertheless, many simply are not cut out for that way of life.

The same is true for BDSM. This fact is multiplied the further out one goes on the extreme scale. For example, there are many who can handle a D/s lifestyle yet fall apart at the notion of M/s. It is just to much for most. The same is true for a BDSM scene. Many can handle light bondage/paddling. However, only a certain few are classified as pain sluts.

I believe self honesty is an important trait to develop. This gentleman had it in his life. He determined swinging was not for him (have no idea what the wife thought about it). We need to apply this same mindset to our life in BDSM. What are you suited for?

Remember, there is no shame in trying something and admitting it isn't for you.

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The Counter Culture

This lifestyle goes against all that we are taught in society. There are many ideas that our culture promotes which go contrary to what we practice in the BDSM. In fact, our foundation is in direct opposition to what the Western world says is appropriate. Anything straying from this is deemed counter culture.

We live an alternative lifestyle. BDSM, while practiced by most in one degree or another, is not the mainstream lifestyle. Certainly, as one heads further towards the extreme, the numbers get fewer in terms of participants. Pony play, as an example, is of interest to a relative few.

So why do people choose this way of life? Naturally, there are some who will select anything that is against the mainstream. I do not believe these comprise the largest number. Most people choose this way of life because it is right for them. Whatever degree they implement BDSM into their lives is the level which they are happy with.

The concept of total power exchange is foreign to mainstream society. They believe in equality. BDSM is not about equality. It is about one surrendering control to another and that person exercising that control. We move quickly away from equality to a state of complete imbalance. The power breakdown is the fundamental premise of this lifestyle.

As you can see, it is an outrageous concept for the average person to comprehend. Our conditioning leads us to believe that there is only one way to live. This is untrue. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of lifestyles which do not fit into societies "little box". BDSM is just one of them. We have people from all walks of life who elect to live according to something that resides deep within them. This is no different from the average homosexual or goth participant. It is something that one chooses to do regardless of what society states.

For this reason, I feel it takes great courage to enter into something that is counter culture. There is a high degree of misunderstanding from those who are closest to us. Most of us opt to keep our choices to ourselves. The learning curve for many is just too great. It is far easier to live our lives in the fashion we desire without seeking the approval of others. This is how we forge our own path in life.

BDSM is a wonderful way to live...just be prepared for the lack of understanding by others.

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The Choice of This Life

The last few posts have dealt with the concept of online versus real time. Overall, online has its place. However, it cannot be mistaken for real time. Online activity exists in the virtual world. It is something that cannot replace true human interaction.

One of the most basic ideas missed in the online world is that one can enter it without changing their life one bit. Log onto the computer and you are present in the online world. Enter into a M/s chat room, assume a persona, and you are now a Master or a slave. Nothing major needs to take place. Every other aspect of your life remains the same.

Contrast this with someone who made the decision to enter into a real time relationship. There were a variety of factors he or she needed to consider. Many have children to think about before making a decision. Jobs and living situations are always in need of resolving. A decision to move into this way of life affects many more than just the Dom or sub.

At the same time, many quickly realize that family (and close friends) do not understand the lifestyle. Tell your parents that you are moving to another state to be a slave and they will commit you to an institution. Our society understands matters of the heart. However, it has difficulty with alternative lifestyles.

Making the decision to pursue this life in real time is one that is difficult to make. It is a wonderful payoff for many. Nevertheless, there is still devastation even in the best of circumstances. Oftentimes, things do not work out as desired. This is a lesson of life. It is not exclusive to BDSM or any other lifestyle. Those who are committed to it have a better chance of surviving. Those who approach it like a new pair of shoes are apt to end up discouraged.

Making a lifestyle choice is a serious matter. Many make it seem like nothing online. Do not be misled. Consider the magnitude of the decision one faces when announcing he or she is gay. It is not something those individuals take lightly. You should take the election of entering into the M/s, D/s, or BDSM way of life with the same thoughtfulness. It is a real decision that affects many lives.

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Online Role Play

There are many groups online who are into the role playing aspect of BDSM. Regular readers of this blog will be surprised by this but I am in favor of this. I believe role playing is a wonderful way to enhance the fantasies people have. And, what better way to expand that than to have someone (or others) involved.

Where I take exception with the online world is where people believe fantasy meets reality. They are not one in the same. Online is called the "virtual world". It is just that. It is not real life. Online M/s, D/s, or some other form of BDSM is not real. It is a form of role playing.

It was pointed out to me that the Internet serves a second purpose when it comes to this lifestyle. I always point to the fact that people have access to such a wide scope of people. That is a huge advantage enjoyed in this era. However, it was also shown to me that the Internet is a wonderful forum for education. Leaving aside my overlooking the obvious, I agree with this two-fold benefit.

The truth is the Internet is many things. Nevertheless, the one thing it is not is real time interaction. The method of communication takes on a different essence than real time. Virtual interaction, just by its definition, is a form of role playing. It is for fantasy fulfillment in this regard. Nothing can be taken as absolutely true.

I take real exception when someone preys upon another's misconception of this reality. There are many who believe that what they experience online is real. Thus, they are susceptible to being taken advantage of by others. This is where the idea of role play turns harmful. One believes it to be true while another is just looking to pass time. It is a disconnect that causes great pain on the one who is buying into the entire situation.

Therefore, I am issuing a warning: enter the online arena with the intention of role playing. It is a wonderful medium to do that. Get your fantasies fulfilled to the nth degree. However, do not believe what you are experiencing is anywhere near reality. It is not. The sooner you accept this truth, the less pain you will likely to endure.

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Detecting Pretenders

Online is full of people who claim to be something they are not. This is no truer than in the M/s lifestyle. Travel through some of the different chat rooms and you will encounter numerous Masters and slaves. The sad truth, based upon my experiences, the vast percentage of them are fakes. They are playing games while the spouse is upstairs sleeping. Therefore, I put together a few tidbits that might help one to determine who is real.

1. Presume they are fake:

The greatest percentage are. Approach all with hesitation. Take what they say with a grain of salt (it isnt worth more than that). Make that person prove to you that he or she knows what is being talked about. Check anything they say with other reliable sources. Information off different websites as in the input of on here. Regardless, make sure what that person is saying is true about the lifestyle.

2. Get the information:

If you are interested in getting involved with someone, make sure you get his or her personal information. Would you accept a proposal for marriage without having that person's home phone number or address? Obviously not. They why would you consider submitting to someone without this same information?

I hear that a slave has no right to ask for this information. Horseshit. She does so. If someone is unwilling to provide it then tell him or her to go fly a kite. Or give that person my email and I will tell them what I think. Most fakes hate to encounter someone who lives the life in real time.

3. Use common sense:

Common sense will go a long way to saving you heartache and assache. We all gain interpersonal skills as we age. All the relationships we have from the time we are toddlers teach us how to interact with others. Thus, we gain some intuition as to what is sensible and what is not. Do not think that because you entered the world of M/s that you suddenly entered the twilight zone. The same rules apply to this as any other relationship. The main difference is the breakdown of power. That is it. Everything else comes down to basic interpersonal skills.

4. Move to human interaction:

Online is an effective way to start interacting with people. However, without human contact that person is just characters on a screen. They are not real. Virtual communication is devoid of human contact. It is only through the other mediums that we can truly get to know someone else.

I always move from online to phone communication. This personalizes the interaction. Hearing a voice allows you to hear what that person is feeling. Also, you can crossreference some of what you were told. If he said he is not married and has no children yet you hear an infant screaming in the background, you have cause to question. Of course, you cannot garner this information by just chatting.

The best way to interact is face-to-face. Try to push for in person meeting. I had slaves fly down to me and spend a week. They were able to see for themselves that I was real. Even though I believe their visit was sexually motivated, it was a real time interaction that is not possible without being in the zip code.

5. Ask for references:

What is this a job interview? No but it as equally important. You want to know his or her experience. When it comes to dominating someone, experience is crucial. There are so many ways to phsycially, mentally, and psychologically harm another, that taking another's life in your hands is a big responsibility. Giving this power to a know-nothing type is not to your benefit. You want to know who he or she dealt with in the past. Get a name and a number and simply find out if this person is for real or not.

6. Go slow:

The M/s relationship is a relationship. All relationships take time and this is no different. Just because someone says that you have to move at a certain speed because he or she is in control of you, that is not necessarily so. A true Master takes the time to learn the limits that a slave has. It is only then that he or she can properly assist in that person's growth.

These are just a few ideas that might help you when dealing with people online. Be careful with who you interact with. I have no idea their credentials. Do you?

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Household BDSM Items II

Yesterday I wrote about 4 items that every household has which can be used to enter into the world of BDSM (read post here). It is a fallacy that BDSM need be an expensive proposition with many trips to the sex shop. When you look around your house, you can find many items to implement into your scenes.

Here are a few more.









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Representing Your Master

Here is another one of those issues that I consider to be a fundamental part of the BDSM lifestyle, especially M/s. An accurate representation at all times of your Master is highly imperative. To deviate from this shows a sub/slave's willingness to insert her own ideas into the relationship.

A slave is a representative of her Master. This is no different than an employee being that for his or her company. The company decided what image it wants to present and all activities such as attire, marketing materials, etc... are all created in accordance with that idea. The same holds true for a slave. He or she is to contour all activities to his/her Master/Mistress's desired outcome.

At all times a slave is doing this. She needs to keep this in mind when she decides to "act up". Nothing is more embarrassing for a Master than to have a slave disrespect him in front of others. It belittles His abilities in the eyes of others. This could include potential slaves or other Masters. Regardless, a slave's place is to uphold her Master's ideals. She can take up any issues in private.

Many slaves seem to think the M/s relationship centers around them. This is the exact opposite of fact. The Total Power Exchange (TPE) dictates that the relationship is focused upon the Master. This is where it differs from the traditional model. There is no equality among the parties involved.

Showing her Master in a positive light is the most important thing a slave can do on a daily basis. This includes how she dresses, behaves, and carries herself. Acting like a child shows her Master to be ineffective and losing control. Few actually take the time to consider what their actions look like from the outside. In the end, a Master will only put up with this behavior for so long. After that, He is forced to make a correction.

It takes practice to learn to view things from the outside. Those who are experienced in the lifestyle tend to naturally think of how things affect their Masters. However, the newer people get caught up in their wishes and desires. They simply fail to look at how their behavior is perceived. A poor reflection on a Master will never sit well.

A slave needs to think before she acts. This is an important part of the M/s relationship. If it is something that you are uncertain about, ask your Master. After all, it is His (Her) wishes you are fulfilling.

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Household BDSM Items

Many feel inclined to spend larges sums of money to get into the BDSM lifestyle. A single trip to your local sex shop will reveal how expensive things can get. However, there is a way to start experimenting without leaving your house. The average household has many items which can be used for BDSM.

All these items are ideal to be used to spank a sub/slave. Each item is in almost every home. Look around and I am sure you will find more items you can use.









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An Idea For The BDSM Logo

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The Land Of Trekkies

Star Trek is one of the most popular science-fiction series of all time. Captain Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the crew of the star ship Enterprise are now amassing their second generation of fans. It is rare to see a series cross generational lines but this one managed to do so. The power that Star Trek wields is massive even though 40 years has passed since it debuted.

Over the years, Star Trek fans created their own identity. Known as "Trekkies", these fans started to put together conventions that celebrate their esteemed television program. Every year people gather at these gatherings to interact with others who share a similar mindset.

Naturally, most people keep the idea of Star Trek in it's proper perspective. It is a television program. The attendees at the conventions range from those who are ardent fans to those who take it a little too far. Some go as far as to learn the Klingon language. Sadly, many displace their fantasy of this sci-fi world for reality.

Why do I bring this point up? Over the last few months, I spent considerable time trying to contrast online versus real time. This example shows how some can take something that is a fantasy and center their life around it. We consider it absurd when we are referring to Star Trek. Yet, few seem to argue the same absurdity when applied to BDSM.

In the 1970s a series of books were written by John Norman. He created a mythical planet that he called "Gor". This planet paralleled life on Earth. On Gor, slavery was an acceptable way of life. It involved a series of rigorous rituals at every aspect of one's day. In short, the life of a Gorean slave was difficult.

Over the years, this lifestyle became glamorized. Like Trekkies, most take it with a grain of salt. Sadly, many take it to an unacceptable extreme. They believe that this is how real life should be.

The Internet allowed for a massive explosion of all kinds of alternative lifestyle. With the anonymity of this medium, people are able to express views about things they wouldn't otherwise be able to. This allowed some of the sub-cultures to move more towards mainstream. The BDSM community certainly was one that benefited from this medium.

Of course, this allowed for the spread of a lot of misinformation. The M/s lifestyle is one of the more extreme aspects of BDSM. It has been around for decades so the life is nothing new. Yet the Internet allowed the establishment of online communities all sharing the same mindset. This is where Gorean got a major kick. Today, chatrooms are full of people professing to live life according to the precepts on Gor. Sadly, most are like the Trekkies learning Klingon; they are disconnected from reality.

Gorean is primarily an online methodology. Very little of the lifestyle has to do with real life. One could certainly argue the philosophy is applicable and can be implemented. I would buy that argument. However, living life according to the rules John Norman set down in his books is not. Gorean just doesn't translate into a free society. Anyone who lives according to those rituals in a normal society would end up having the law called. It is a simple fact that slavery is illegal in most Western cultures. Gorean would alarm more than a few family members.

M/s is a wonderful and acceptable way of life for those who are capable of handling it. This way of life is not for everyone. Many think they are up to the challenge of submission only to find that they fail miserably. The "romance" depicted online is quickly lost in real time. For every scene that is played out, there are countless chores such as cleaning toilets, sweeping floors, and mowing yards. This is overlooked by the online community.

My beef with what is occurring today online is that it is an inaccurate portrayal of reality. For the most part, the "people" (many will say their friends) are nothing more than characters on a screen. They are a username and an assumed persona. That is all. Until there is some human interaction, there is no relationship. I have seen more than one seduced by the allure of a "Master" only to find that he is not real. Invariably, he will pull a disappearing act when it is time to meet. Just another jerk getting his rocks off online while the wife is asleep upstairs.

Remember this idea the next time you enter one of the chatrooms. I bet if you Googled "Star Trek Chatrooms" you will find a variety of people who adopted the Klingon life as their own. These people are ready for the loony bin. I am becoming convinced that those who claim to be Gorean are not far behind.

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