So You Want To Own Someone?

Ownership is something we talk about a great deal within this way of life.  For those who identify as slaves, the desire to be owned is natural and a logical progression in their BDSM development.  At the same time, for those who are on the dominant side of the equation, this step is something that will lead to fulfillment also.  However, as usual, the new online BDSM world created a host of characterizations that  need clarifying.

Entering into a M/s, TPE situation is not something that should be taken lightly.  Many seem to believe this is something that they slip in and out of like trying on shoes.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Like most things in life, success is often tied to the level of commitment a person has to seeing things work out properly.  For many, sadly, I feel the commitment simply does not exist.  Certainly, you can understand how this could be catastrophic to a slave.

Owning someone means taking over that person's life.  Notice how I did not mention the word sex in that sentence.  Too many believe that slavery pertains to sex.  This is a great deal of the allure for a lot of "masters".  They believe they own a slave and she will do whatever he wants sexually, when he wants, how he wanted, etc...  While this well could be the case, this is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Sex is only a part of a BDSM relationship.  Understanding this point is a fundamental premise that is required for BDSM success.

TPE is an acronym for total power exchange.  The essential premise of the M/s relationship is the exchange of power.  In my view, this is what separates M/s from the more general D/s structure.  The breakdown of power is complete in that it is all turned over to the master.  In this arrangement, the slave is entering into an agreement (consensually) in which all decisions and power within the relationship reside with the master.  Obviously, this puts her in an extremely vulnerable position.  Therefore, one needs to be certain what she is dealing with.

For many, the idea of absolute power is very enticing.  However, what the average pretender overlooks is the fact that with total power comes total responsibility.  This means that he is responsible for all that happens in the relationship.  Certainly, as they say it takes two to tango and the slave has a hand in it also.  Nevertheless, the ultimate responsibility for all aspects of the relationship fall squarely on his shoulders.  Whatever her part is in it, he is the one in control.  If something is not going as desired, it is up to him to alter the course of it.  She looks to him for guidance which he must provide.  Without it, the relationship is destined to deteriorate.  A slave literally is like a ship without a rudder, going in circles unless someone steers her.

This idea goes against our nature in the Western world.  We live in a society that excels at playing the "blame game".  Our culture teaches us to continually point out what or who is responsible from our plight as long as it is not ourselves.  We hire lawyers to sue organizations that "wronged" us.  Many point to the government and say they are at fault.  Our bosses and co-workers are great scapegoats for many people's misery and lack of progress in life.  And let us not forget our own family.  The fact that we did not have the right parents or our kids do not behave better is the reason for many of our misfortunes.  I can go on and on but you get the point.  Personal responsibility is something that our society does not openly advocate.  Instead, we are conditioned to place blame.

As you can see, this is in direct opposition of what is required to truly own a slave.  A master does not have the luxury of blaming her for the ills that befall them.  He is in control.  If there is a shortcoming, it is incumbent upon him as the leader of the relationship to correct whatever is occurring.  This can come in many forms but whatever action is required, he must take it.  Naturally, many like to jump to the conclusion that punishing the slave is the answer.  That most likely is not the solution.  Sure, there are times when a slave requires discipline.  However, more often than not, a change in behavior is the sought outcome.  This can be done a number of different ways including simply sitting down and telling her what is wrong with what she is doing.  Slaves are not idiots so it is best not to treat them as such.  Intelligence is something that scares many "masters" for obvious reasons but it should not.  An intelligent slave is a more valuable commodity.  If you chose someone who has a clue, she should be able to understand you without you beating her ass to make your point.  Those who automatically opt for this method are not masters but abusers hiding under the BDSM umbrella.

Another fact that often arises which is problematic for the master is that often the change that is required is on his part.  Remember, the master has the power and is responsible for the direction of the relationship.  So what happens if things are not going properly?  What does he do?  This is where things get difficult.  Many times the slave is doing exactly as she should, obeying him and following the directives received.  Therefore, any issues that come up are because of him.  This is a tough pill to swallow.  Being a master often means swallowing one's pride, setting aside the ego, and honestly looking at oneself.  Again, this is not something that society trains us to do.  Accepting responsibility when things go wrong is not our default method.  The instinct is to blame the slave....which when we look at the power structure, we see is incorrect.  She is not at fault if he is fulfilling his role in having her follow what he set forth.  He needs to look no further than in the mirror to determine where the problem lies.

As most of you know, I believe that BDSM is all about growth.  This, in my view, is a central premise of life and BDSM is life itself.  Unlike many, D/s is not something that I put on and take off.  It is what I am, thus, always with me no matter what I am doing.  For many on the dominant side, the idea of growing is something they abhor.  I see this almost on a daily basis as I zoom around the Internet.  So many dominants think they have all the answers.  What is interesting is the ones I consider to be true understand the fact that one can never know all there is and the learning process never stops.  Of course, this is radically different from the nitwits we see monopolizing our favorite BDSM sites.

The idea that a master controls all aspects of the relationship contains the basic concept that he is capable of being in control of all areas.  Sadly, we so many dominants who, quite frankly, have a life that is totally out of control.  They exemplify a complete lack of discipline as opposed to that which is required for BDSM success.  How many masters out there are woefully out of shape?  Certainly, there are a percentage who have medical issues which preclude weight loss and they should be exempt.  However, the majority do not fall into this category yet still want to proclaim themselves dominant.  To make matters worse, they want a slave who will be fit and maintain her exercise/diet.  Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.  Or how about the fact that many of these individuals are up to their eyeballs in credit card debt.  Again, to place a disclaimer in here, many find themselves in financial hot water because of circumstances beyond their control and have to turn to credit to live.  This is not what I am talking about.  Instead, I am referring to the person who simply cannot stop spending.  He has to buy the latest gadget the second it hits the market regardless of whether he can afford it or not.  This is an individual who has no business running the financial aspect of a relationship.  If he is honest (and humble) about it, he would either delegate that responsibility to his slave or seek the proper knowledge so he could handle it.  Once again, we see the action required is to grow, something many avoid at all costs.

Before I turn this post into a book, I will tangent to an ending here.  My point is that one must really consider what it means to take over someone's life.  All aspects of her existence come under his control.  This means he is responsible, ultimately, for the financial, physical, mental, and psychological well being of her.  Safety applies to many different areas of her life.  In fact, it applies to all areas.  Are you willing to create the forum where she is totally safe?  Will you put in the necessary effort to ensure this is maintained?  Can you take the corrective action as it is required knowing that it often means changing yourself?  Are you willing to honestly size up where you fall short and look for ways to compensate for that?  When you have total power, do you realize that total responsibility comes with it?  If the answer is no to any of these questions, then it is best to look at another relationship structure other than M/s.

A saying I heard long ago is "just because a master can, that does not mean he should".  This tells me that one needs to be judicious in his decisions.  Just because it is within your right as the head of the relationship to do something, that does not mean that right should be exercised.  Continually having the best interest of your property in plain sight is of paramount importance.  A M/s relationship is not all about the master and he has the responsibility to care for her on all the different levels that she requires.  Too many believe the exact opposite is true with it all being about him.  It is this outlook which sabotages so many M/s relationships even before they start.  A slave wants to be happy and fulfilled.  Being an ignored, overlooked whipping post is not going to satisfy her for too long.

One final note.  Many seem to believe that a master's responsibility ends when he decides to release her.  Again, this is incorrect.  Over the years I have seen a number different ways this situation is handled.  Many times, a master will not let her go until he finds he a new owner to take her.  Another way is for the master to set her up financially with a place (or at least money) until she gets on her feet.  Regardless of the approach, the main emphasis is that a slave is not to be suddenly released out there without regard for her safety (there is that word again) and well being.  A master reaped the benefits of her when in servitude to him so it is time to return the favor and pay it forward.  Until she is able to get situated, she is still the responsibility of the master.  Naturally, this is something we do not see done very often.  The reality is that most just get rid of a slave like disposing of an old pair of shoes without regard to her financial, or more importantly, psychological well being.

Ownership is a wonderful arrangement to enter into.  However, it is not all sunshine and roses.  A master must be ever mindful of the enormous responsibility that he has to those under his protection and care.  His attitude needs to be that his needs are secondary to hers.  He is responsible for providing a service to her which she requires.  Focusing all upon himself is abusive and leads to slaves being harmed greatly.  This needs to be avoided at all costs.  Consider the ramifications before entering into a structure like this.

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Being A Friend

Today, I am going to stray from my usual platform and delve into something that is not spoken about frequently.  This post is going to cover friendship.

I was speaking with a friend of mine, a really close friend, who is not in the lifestyle.  I have known him for roughly 16 years and, over that time, we became quite close.  He is one of those people who will do whatever he can to help another out.  In short, he is a true friend.

Naturally, I try to do the same with him.  A few weeks ago, he was in a situation that I desperately tried to assist him in.  Unfortunately, it did not work out to his betterment at that moment but I was there to try to do what I could. 

The reason I bring up this topic is because I sense the word "friend" has lost the meaning in the Internet age.  Almost every site allows one to add "friends".  This is true for both the BDSM and the vanilla sites.  Open up a profile and you can send almost anyone a friend request.  In fact, many people send the request even without chatting with the individual.  It seems as if some are intent on accumulating friends like they are poker chips or something.  Obviously, these individuals are not friends in even the most remote sense of the word.

Which brings us to the rest of our "friends".  What about those people we do deal with online?  Where do they stand?  Are many of them truly friends?  Naturally, I cannot answer these questions definitively in every instance.  However, once again, we can draw some general conceptions which are helpful.

A true friend is the person who will give you the shirt off his/her back.  This is the type of individual who will offer you part if his/her house is your place burns down.  We all need individuals who are willing to get out of bed and meet us after the wife leaves us (or husband if that fits better).  These are people we can truly count on when our life inadvertently goes awry, which is always going to happen.

So what about the online world?  My conclusion is that it all starts with what type of person I am as an individual.  To start, I must state that when dealing online, we are normally going to have a distance problem.  Therefore, if something does arise, it is difficult to give the person attention since there is usually a geographic distance to cover.  That being said, it is not impossible to be a friend to someone long distance.  I would say that it is helpful if traditional modes of communication are used although skype, yahoo, etc.. often serve as an acceptable (if not better) replacement.  Hearing someone's voice and seeing their face move the level of interaction from one of impersonal to a more genuine form of connection. 

Getting back to the type of person one is, are you one who tries to be a true friend in your interactions?  Do you approach each interaction as if this is someone you are willing to give the shirt off your back?  Now, I must mention common sense mandates that you are not going to be this way with everyone who emails you.  However, over time, interactions and relationships develop.  In these, what is your approach?  This is especially true for dominants.  Do you approach submissives with the intention of being friends with them...true friends?  Judging by the posts I see online by slaves, my guess this is not the case.  Which brings up the question, why not?  A slave is a human being meaning that she shares many of the same attributes as other members of this species.  Dominants, last time I checked, are part of the Animal Kingdom also (albeit many a lesser for of intelligence).  Therefore, at the end of the day, we are just people.

Another point that pertains to this subject.  A submissive individual does not submit or give her power over to just anyone.  Too many seem to believe that a submissive should bow to whomever claims to be dominant.  That is garbage.  A slave is an individual who chooses who she wants to serve.  Certainly, the submissive quality is within her and will come out in all her interactions.  However, it is asinine for me to believe that every submissive I encounter is going to serve me.  It simply is not going to happen. 

So let me ask you, how many people on your friends list on Facebook can you truly count on?  Sure, when you post some dilemma in your life on there, most will post back the proverbial "I am sorry...I hope things get better".  While this is nice, it does little to remedy the situation.  How many take the time to email, text, or call you and ask "is there anything I can do to help out" or "what can I do to make this situation easier on you".  Often, just knowing someone else cares, truly cares, is enough to propel forward in dealing with whatever the situation is.  Talking is a great remedy.  Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.  Are you one who is willing to lend that ear to another and simply listen while he/she gets it out?  Or do you have better things to do and will simply post the I am sorry, good luck on his/her wall?

What is interesting is that I feel people are becoming desensitized to this concept.  What I mean by this is that they do not know how to deal with someone who shows a genuine interest in them, especially when encountering each other online.  Perhaps it is due to the fact that we live in a world where people are "connected" yet isolated.  Thus, they are accustomed to the Facebook friends and little else.  Whatever the reason, I am taken aback at how often signs of genuine concern are rebuffed.  I presume the fact that so many seem to have an agenda would make anyone leery.  Nevertheless, over my years online, I have become accustomed to the fact that few are interested in opening themselves up to someone who truly cares.  My conclusion is that many truly have difficulty with the friend concept.  Instead, they go through life closed off and isolated (even in a crowd).

Finally, if you are interested in having a successful BDSM relationship, you must learn to be a true friend.  It is impossible to achieve any depth with an individual unless you are willing to do that.  Again, for many of the dominant morons online, this will seem like a foreign concept.  The truth is that BDSM is not a one way street.  Our interactions with submissives must be of the give and take variety.  You are not perfect.  This relationship is not all about your desires and needs.  Hers need to be considered also.  What are you doing to make her life better?  How are you being the one who she can turn to when she is truly in need?  Are you willing to listen to her share whatever is going on with her?  Or do you simply pull your master card (pun intended) out of your pocket and tell her to go wash the dishes?  If this is you, then you are in for many failed relationships.  If you are to be her true one, you need to be a true friend to her, someone she is safe with and can trust.  And most importantly, if you are wrong, admit it.  We all screw up.  That is part of the human condition which dominants are afflicted with.  So own up to it.

The world is in desperate need of people who are willing to stand up and care about others.  While we cannot do this with everyone, there are a select few who will enter into our lives whom we can provide this for.  Even those we are interested in being involved with on a different level require this sort of interaction.  So why withhold it from another? 

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Selling Yourself

I have an idea the conclusion many of you jumped to after reading this title.  While many are turned on by the idea of paying for sex or selling themselves for sex, this is not the topic I am going to undertake here today.  Instead, I want to focus upon the concept from a marketing perspective.

It continues to amaze me how so many people feel that the approaches and concepts which apply in the "vanilla" world. seem to elude people in this way of life.  Over the years, I often wrote my conclusion that many people act like they entered into a different dimension when embracing the BDSM life. Again, I must state that almost all of the interpersonal skills acquired throughout your lifetime apply to BDSM.  This is not some foreign world where everything is different.  At the end of the day, we are still dealing with people.

The idea that I want to convey is going to be geared towards the dominant side of the equation.  The reason I am doing this is the ilk that seems to be "above" this idea.  Instead, too many carry the belief that submissives should come crawling on their hands and knees. Once again, we see the online crew completely divorced from reality.

To start, I must reaffirm that the most important part of the phrase "BDSM relationship" is the word relationship.  What this means is the interaction is a two-way street.  Far too many on the dominant side seem to think that BDSM relations should all be to his benefit and the submissive should be happy to take whatever he gives her.  This is not the case.  One enters into a relationship to seek fulfillment and happiness.  Even in scenes, a bottom seeks to get something out of it.  She is not there simply for the pleasure of the other although that is part of it.

The point is that a submissive needs to get something out of the interaction/relationship.  It is not all about you senor dominant.  BDSM is about both parties receiving what they need to be fulfilled and happy with the interaction.  This is a crucial point.  Failure to adhere to this means that one is going to end up alienating the other.  So do yourself a favor and remind yourself of this point on a regular basis.

Another factor in this is that a sub/slave has desires.  Slaves are individuals no different from any other woman out there.  Their tastes are individualistic meaning that not everything floats their boat.  However, just like dominants, there are certain generalities which can be drawn.  Obviously, when talking about a relationship or, at a minimum, sexual interaction, there needs to be some type of physical attraction.  Too many dominants overlook this.  I see so many dominants state in their profile that they are looking for someone fit and in shape.  Well, my question is what makes you think she does not want the same in return?  Do you not think that she wants to be in bed with someone who physically turns her on (or at least doesnt turn her off)?  What is good for the goose is also good for the gander as they say.

In short, a dominant needs to think in terms of marketing.  He needs to present a package that "sells" the submissive.  This has to come through in his approach, in how he carries himself, and what he is offering her.  Yes, you read that last part correct.  What are you offering this girl(s)?  That is a fact too many simply ignore.  A dominant needs to be offering a submissive something for her to enter into a relationship with him.  If not, she will not be interested.

From the non-scientific analysis I did, it seems many are overlooking this point.  Just because you call yourself dominant and post a profile, that does not mean that slaves are going to fawn all over you.  Remember, they get hundreds of emails from guys saying the same thing you are.  Unless you somehow separate yourself, you will end up in bulk mail.  At the same time, the worthy ones will not be interested in someone who simply puts for the same platform as everyone else.  A slave who is seeking true enslavement will quickly get bored with the same mantra she heard a thousand times.  How is it going to be different with you?  What are you offering that she is not being offered elsewhere?  If you think sucking your cock, taking off your boots, and getting you a drink is different from the masses, then you are sadly mistaken.  The truth is your cock, no matter how spectacular, is not going to hold her interest for long.  You best be offering something more than that.

Therefore, a good starting point is to determine what it is most of the slaves are looking for.  If you know what they are seeking, you can tailor your message to meet those desires.  Now, some might think this is manipulative, but it is not.  One is simply contouring the message to said desires which he can fulfill.  This is marketing at its best.  Obviously, there needs to be substance and truth behind what is being stated.  Remember, the idea is to catch her attention.

Another point that I must bring up is within the profile itself.  I cannot tell you how many profiles I go through that have nothing in them.  Take the time to fill out the profile.  Answer some of the questions I mentioned here.  Give a submissive/slave who is reading your profile something to go on. Again, considering more than the half the profiles are blank, this will help you stand out.  At the same time, when sending emails, say something thoughtful.  I have yet to meet a slave who did not enjoy interacting with a dominant who was intelligent.  That is a great turn on for many...show her you have some.  Barking out rude comments on the first email is not going to give her the impression that you are very knowledgeable.  It takes little intelligence to behave like a barbarian.

In summary, it is imperative that you sell yourself to a perspective submissive.  Take stock of what you finer characteristics are and emphasize them.  Expand upon what you know so as to present the best possible package.  Finally, and most important, consider her needs when approaching her and ways you can fulfill them.  This will make you more attractive to her.

DN

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Most Important Question

This is a question that everyone needs to answer.

Is Domination/submission something you are or is it something you do?

To me, this is the difference between living the way or role playing.

By the way, whatever the answer is, if it suits you, is appropriate.  The reason why answering is vital is simply because your approach to things is going to vary based upon your answer.

For me personally, this is something that I am.  There is no separation whatsoever.  I see profiles which says something to the effect that I want someone who is able to have a BDSM life and be vanilla outside of it.  This is a clear sign that this person is a role player.  To her, BDSM is something she does (or has done to her).  Therefore, in my writings, you see a bleeding of knowledge I acquired from a variety of sources.  Again, there is no separation so all information that pertains to me as a person applies to BDSM.  My influences come from spirituality, self help/personal development, and psychology.  This blended with my own life experiences cause for a greater expansion of myself and those I interact with.

One way to answer this question is to determine where your focus is.  If you concentrate on the whips and chains aspect of this way of life, then you are into role playing.  Seeking to expand your skills in these areas exclusively is a sign of this outlook.  For those who realize domination/submission is something they are, then growth is the key component.  Since there is no separation, overcoming obstacles within oneself so as to expand as a total entity becomes the primary focus.

So ponder this for a while.

Is Domination/submission something you are or is it something you do?

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Strong Slave

Many talk about the desire to own someone strong.  As I once read, it is not a challenge to own a doormat.  I agree with this statement.  I also am a believer that slaves are not weak individuals who are meant to be stepped upon.  However, the thought comes to mind, what is a strong slave?  What is it that distinguishes her from a weak one?  These are questions that I find crucial to answer if we are to properly get to the depth of what a M/s relationship is about.

A while back I wrote a post about a Master's Greatest Challenge.  In this post, I explained the fact that fear is the number 1 challenge a Master has.  A slave tends to be overwrought with this destructive cancer to the point where she is in the habit of sabotaging many things in her life.  Fear is something that centers in the mind and is projected outwards towards all situations she finds herself in.  For those of us who sat back and watched this occur in someone's life, it is truly tragic.  Is it any wonder that many find themselves in the repetitive cycle?

Obviously when we are referring to the strength of a slave, we are not talking about the physical aspects although there are some who will put most dominants to shame in the gym.  When I mentioned strength, I am citing the ability of controlling what goes on inside her head.  You see, it is my belief that all aspects of our lives stem from our thoughts.  Our emotions are simply reactions to the thoughts we have.  To test this out, try to feel depressed.  What would you have to do?  The answer is simple: think about depressing things.  If you want to be scared, ponder a situation that you deem fearful.  Therefore, to be strong, one must have control of her mental state (this applies on the dominant side also).

There is a difference between danger and fear.  Danger is something that is real and one must be mindful of.  There are many dangerous situations out there which are best to avoid putting ourselves in.  However, this is a marked difference from fear which resides in the mind.  Fear is a projection upon a future situation which may or MAY NOT come true.  The truth is we do not know what is going to happen in the future yet we project our fears outward which can often lead to the manifestation of what we fear the most.  The smothering spouse is a prime example of this.  He or she fears the other leaving so, in turn, constant attention is paid to this individual which eventually drives him/her away.

I see so many who state in their profiles that they "cannot trust".  Here again we see fear recurring as a theme throughout life.  What is a lack of trust but fear?  The situation is that this individual was harmed in the past by someone.  In the online world, this is a regular occurrence.  Anyone who had traveled this path knows what takes place intimately.  None of us are exempt.  There are liars, cheats, and scammers..that is what the online world is mostly comprised of.  Go on any BDSM related site and this is the majority of the people on there in terms of profiles.  In other words, it is par for the course.  It is difficult not to be a bit hesitant when encountering someone new because the wounds from the past are ever present.

Which brings up the problem.  The past does not equal the future.  Just because you encountered 5 pieces of garbage in a row, that does not mean the 6th will be.  It is far more likely, at least statistically speaking, that the more trash you pick through, the greater your chance of finding the gem you seek.  One who is strong understands this idea and moves forward.  At the same time, the past is eliminated as much as possible so as not to project that hurt upon the present situation.  Sadly, unless one does this, the outcome will tend to be the same as before even if this person is legitimate.  I am certain many people were dumped, let go, or walked away from simply based upon the delusion in a slave's mind.  From personal experience, I know it does happen.

A slave needs the ability to be able to control her emotions, which fear is one of the primary.  Stepping back and not instantly reacting is paramount.  Unfortunately, from observation, few seem to be able to do this consistently.  It is also why so many are runners.  If you research or explore the background of many, you will find that their history is full of running.  Whenever the situation got tough, they up and left.  Over the years, I learned that it is a fool's errand to try and chase someone of this sort down.  Habits take over and the running continues.  Again, we see fear rearing its head and completely obliterating whatever is possible.  To me, this sums up self-sabotage better than anything else I can think of.

Strength is the ability to move forward in spite of what we are feeling.  The simple fact of the matter is we do not always feel good about things.  We all have judgments and reservations.  Fear is something that is managed, it never leaves.  Hence, we all have it.  Our view of the world is simply our perspective.  This view is tainted by all the experiences, prejudices, and hangups we have.  Therefore, it is crucial that we minimize these as best we can to see things objectively.  We also need to set the feelings aside which are created in our mind so as to take the action that is required.

Someone recently asked me why I focus upon fear so much.  My answer is simply that I see the damage it does and how so many people destroy themselves and their desires with it.  Fear is not isolated to the BDSM world or people within it.  However, as I bounce around the Internet, I see it so clearly in many people.  In short, fear ultimately is the true master and runs the slave's life.  There just is not room for anyone else in the equation.  Remember, one cannot serve two masters and, in this instance, fear was there first.

I hope you start to take stock at where fear is sabotaging your life.  It is one of the most vital keys to your happiness and fulfillment in my opinion.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Putting Your Time To Good Use

As we approach the coming of 2015, many people use this time of year to review what occurred in their lives the past 12 months.  At the same time, they start to lay down ideas or goals for the upcoming year.  This is a practice that many do on a personal and professional level.  It was this concept that got me thinking about what I commonly see online.

It is not uncommon as I travel around the different BDSM sites, to see profiles of people who are "still searching".  As we all know, life on these sites is a challenge at best while being downright frustrating at worst.  Finding someone who fits our needs the proverbial needle in the haystack.  Kissing a lot of frogs (or screwing a lot of nitwits) is par for the course.  After a while, one becomes fed up with the antics and withdraws.  Naturally, the tried and true BDSM people realize there is not anywhere else for us to go; hence we give it another shot.

The question that comes to my mind is what is this individual(s) doing with their time?  What I mean is does this individual have any focus or direction as it pertains to his or her skills or level of attraction to another?  While the frustration can be great when dealing with the nitwits, it also is the ideal time to do something about yourself.  In other words, get busy making yourself more attractive to potential individuals.

BDSM compiles all areas of life.  I am not one who believe in the BDSM and vanilla distinctions.  To me, when I read a profile that talks about this, I am led to the conclusion this individual really does not get it.  Let me repeat this:  YOU CANNOT HAVE A BDSM AND VANILLA LIFESTYLE.  THERE IS JUST LIFE.  THAT IS ALL.  Now, most of us do not run around with whips in our hands and leashes on our slaves.  Nevertheless, this is post for another day.  For now, just understand that BDSM is who I am and it involves everything about me.  There is no separating the two.

One of my core beliefs is that BDSM is about growth.  Ironically, if you listen to the different disciplines throughout the ages, many of them have growth and development as the basic tenet of life.  What is the meaning of life: to grow.  Therefore, what are you doing with your time?

The time outside of a relationship is the perfect time to begin working on yourself.  This applies equally to those who are dominant as well as submissive.  There is no such thing as a human being.  Hence we all have different areas in which we can focus our attention to get better.  So what are some of the things I recommend.

Let us start with the physical.  How is your body?  Are you in need of losing a few pounds?  If this is the case, why are you not doing something about it.  What better time to get busy exercising and changing your diet then right now?  It is well noted how many dominants want fit submissives.  Of course, I would counter that while not arguing the desire, it is a sign of the ability to control oneself to be fit.  Also, in our world, fitness and agility are important in many of the scenes we do.  Do you really want to be with a sub and her to be really enjoying a scene but it needs to be stopped because you are so out of shape that you tired after 15 minutes?

Next is the mental.  This encompasses a great deal more than I can cite here.  However, within our realm, why not spend time studying different aspects of the lifestyle.  Perhaps you want to research some about protocol.  Or maybe a particular fetish is of interest to you.  There are always areas of domination and submission which require attention.  The more we know intellectually, the more we bring to the table when interacting with someone else.  BDSM is wide and varied.  At the same time, it is never a bad idea to be a bit more cultured.  Read some of the classical literature.  Expand your interest in music to areas you haven't previously indulged in.  Study the arts or take up a hobby that is of interest.

Financial is next.  Is there anything worse than a totally broke Master?  Now I understand people have setbacks and situations arise in life which wipe them out.  For every generalization, there is a case which is separate.  However, when we see someone who has a good job yet is up to his eyeballs in debt, what does this tell you about money management?  Part of goal setting is taking into account the financial arena to see where improvement is needed.  Perhaps it is time for you to start studying concepts such as budgeting, couponing, investing, and money management techniques.  It is always a good idea to work on reducing/eliminating debt so maybe a 2nd job is needed on the weekends for a while to offset some of the payments you have.  Whatever your situation, there is usually something that can be done to improve it.

Spiritual/Emotional.  I couple these two together since I am not going to get into a discussion about belief.  This is an individual thing.  However, we all have an emotional basis and controlling our emotions is vitally important.  There is nothing worse than dealing with someone who is an emotional basket case all the time.  This is also something that is equally true for the dominant as well as the submissives.  It is difficult, if not impossible, for a slave to properly serve a master who is an emotional roller coaster.  One minute he is pleased, the next flying off the deep end.  No matter what the situation, she does not know what to expect.  The same is true when dealing with a submissive.  My point is whatever one has to do to get the emotions under control and learn emotional fortitude, it needs to be done.  This can come from faith, prayer, meditation, writing/journaling, retreats, or communing with nature.  Whatever your particular preference is, some type of effort needs to be taken to increase your discipline  in this area.

The key is to become a better person.  Life is about growth and BDSM is our life.  Take the time to work on yourself...it will pay many dividends.  The time outside a relationship or not with the one you want is difficult.  It is not easy to be alone especially if rejection led you into that situation.  Nevertheless, use the time wisely.  Start by making a list of 5-10 things you would like to improve.  Look over the areas I mentioned to determine some things you can focus upon.  Then, get busy.  Resolve yourself that you will have a lot more to offer the next person who comes down your path than you do today. 

DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

The Primal

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Online BDSM "Dating" Tips

Today I am going to cover a topic that I feel very important in dealing in the online BDSM world.  As we know, it is a far different era from the pre-Internet days where people were screened and everyone knew what they were dealing with.

To start, I am going to say that this applies only when dealing with people who appear serious and not the atypical morons  that we now make up the greatest percentage of the population online.  The "on your knees, bitch" crowd deserves all the anger, discord, and rude replies that one wants to give.  What I am focusing upon is the serious people who are genuinely trying to make a connection of some kind.

Dominants

It is important for dominants to realize that a submissive will receive hundreds of emails on most of the typical sites we so often frequent.  These individuals are hit up as soon as their profile is set up.  Therefore, the sheer number of emails/contacts make navigating through the trash difficult.  Speaking of trash, another factor to consider is that most of what the submissives receive is trash.  The tone of many of the emails is borderline criminal.  Too many believe that being "dominant" is a license to be a total asshole.  Ask any sub about the types of emails she received on the typical BDSM connection sites and you will be stunned.  My point is that a submissive is going to be leery after reading the first half dozen emails from the meatheads.

I will state something that is very simple but probably the most overlooked thing.  If you are dominant, fill out your damn profile.  Write a couple paragraphs about yourself and what you are seeking.  It is best to use complete sentences to show you are relatively intelligent.  I cannot tell you the number of submissives I encountered over the years who complained about the ignorance in writing them.  Remember, you are trying to put your best foot forward and capture her attention. 

When emailing, again, do not be a douchebag.  It is crucial that you say something intelligent and thought provoking.  Worthwhile subs/slaves like their intellect stroked (once again we see it isnt all about sex).  Comment on something that is in their profile that you found of interest.  To start, it tells her you read it and submissives like that.  Also, it forms a connection based upon the commonality of whatever is being shared.  That gives her something to go on.

Finally, have some pride and class about yourself.  If she does not reply immediately (or at all), resist the temptation to fire off another message.  One complaint that I got over the years, repeatedly, is that a dominant will send a message, she reads it but cannot respond then and, before she gets to a place she can, he sent another email telling her how she is not submissive because she failed to reply.  Here is an important point to understand: she is not waiting around for your email to come in.  It is possible for her to read your email and seriously want to reply yet the time will not allow it.  They have lives too.  Along the same lines, if she does not reply (I will cover this next), simply move on.  Do not belittle yourself by sending along another email asking her why she did not reply or calling her names.  You are suppose to be a dominant.  Take the rejection/ignoring like a man.  In all honesty, it really is not personal since she knows nothing about you.

Submissive Types

Now we get to the other side of the equation.  As I mentioned, we understand that you receive hundreds of emails most of which are total garbage.  We also know it is almost impossible to sift through them all in a timely manner.  However, there are a few things that I must mention.

To start, you are suppose to be submissive.  Now, submissive does not mean doormat or idiot so tolerating intolerable behavior is not recommended.  When the pretenders are out in full force, take the gloves off.  Give them all you want and then some.  Trust me, they deserve it.  Nothing is too harsh for the online BDSM warriors.  If they give it, then I believe any submissive should hand it right back. 

But what about the dominant who takes the time to write something decent?  What do you owe this person?  I have seen profiles where a submissive actually wrote "I dont owe anyone an answer".  As I pondered this, I realized what the feeling within me was.  I thought she was a fake.  Now maybe she put that up there based upon dealing with the multitudes of fools and it is understandable.  However, you must remember that all is a reflection upon you. 

The basic fact is that not replying to someone is downright rude.  Again, I will insert the caveat for the thousandth time that this does not include the wannabes and pretenders who pull their antics.  This is reserved for those who make the attempt to show they are serious and honorable.  For those individuals, a reply is courteous and also shows respect.

So what should you reply?  Well it obviously depends upon the email and your circumstances.  Oftentimes, if the email is complimentary about something you wrote, a simple thank you is sufficient.  At the same time, perhaps you are already in a relationship and failed to mention it in your profile.  If this is the case, then reply that you are unavailable and thank you for the interest.  Obviously, I cannot list all the situations that will arise but you get the point.  Reply with something respectful which conveys the point that you need to get across.  Hey, there are going to be profiles you read and dominants that you are not interested in.  That is okay.  Relay this message and leave it at that.  Certainly, you might find that he does not take it well but that is not a reflection upon you.  It is him who cannot handle the reality you set forth to him.  This leaves your side of the street clean.

Respect is something that is sorely lacking in the BDSM world.  Hopefully, those of us on this blog will elevate our behavior from the dumbmasses.  While changing the entire landscape is most likely beyond our scope, perhaps we can make a difference in our own way.  Start behaving in a respectful way in all of our interactions. 


DN  

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Birds, Fish, and Jesse Owens

A few weeks back I wrote a number of posts covering the subject of fear.  At that time, I stated that fear is the number one challenge a Master has when dealing with a slave.  From my experience, it seems that many are conditioned to buy into this emotion.  The games the mind plays are engaged in with full vigor until one comes up on the losing end.  Fear is a paralyzing force.  It prevents actions while maintaining the status quo which is never good.

I am a big believer in the laws of nature and that we, as human beings, are a part of this system.  Therefore, we see that:

Birds fly

Fish swim

Jesse Owens runs

For those who do not know who Jesse Owens was, he was an Olympic Sprinter who won multiple gold medals during the early part of the last century.  He is considered by many to be the best sprinter of all time.  In other words, he was a sensational runner.

It seems the BDSM world is full of people who prefer to give Jesse Owens a "run for his money".  The difference is that Owens was not motivated by fear.  Within the BDSM way of life, it is easy to see how fear helps to sabotage the quest that people put themselves upon.  Fears have a way of manifesting themselves especially when they are continually focused upon.

 The problem with running is that it becomes a habit.  Now, if this is part of your weekly exercise program, i.e. running 5 miles, then it is a very good thing.  However, if it is your answer to fear, then you are simply killing any chance of success in your life.  This concept obviously applies to more than just BDSM.  Nevertheless, we can really see it materialize in the lives of so many within our way of life.

People who are in BDSM tend to find their way here because the 'vanilla' or traditional world was lacking.  Many of us experienced the ole square peg in a round hole feeling.  While the idea we were not cut out for that path became quite apparent, there is something else at work which we must examine.

It is not uncommon for individuals in the BDSM world to be married 2, 3, 4, or, even, more times.  This is a natural outcome considering the fact we were trying to fit into the traditional world.  Often, when we look at the behavior of these individuals, we see fear is in operation.  In fact, it is the main motivator for people.  Not only do we see it in the failed marriages but also in numerous other failed relationships.

So what does this situation look like?  The common scenario is one gets involved with another person in a deeply emotional relationship.  For a period of time, things go along wonderfully.  There is the typical honeymoon period where both parties can do no wrong and nirvana is present.  Naturally, this period ends and the reality of the relationship emerges.  As more time passes and things get more difficult, our good little runner starts to think about bailing.  I will issue a bit of a caveat here by stating in many relationships, there is a time to use the door.  However, the situation I am referring to is where one starts the process of leaving as things get difficult.

It is no secret that relationships take work.  For one to be successful, both parties MUST be committed to overcoming the challenges which WILL arise.  Everyone feels fear and uncertainty at times.  Yet it is the true ones who are able to remain in there in spite of those feelings and work through whatever comes up.  Communication is a vital part of this process which is another area where so many fall short.  Instead of sharing, especially when in a relationship, they bottle up.  Ask them what is wrong and "nothing" is the response.  This is completely unproductive.  Nevertheless, we see this all over the BDSM world.

Another factor that enters into the equation is even before one gets into a relationship.  So many find themselves alone or having interactions which are unfulfilled simply because they are afraid of receiving what they desire.  What do I mean by this?  Quite simply, they allow fear to sabotage whatever path they are on.  If they are starting to get involved in something that could be very fulfilling and ideal for them, fear steps in and stops them.  They put on their running shoes and head the other way.  Again, this is something we see all the time.

Another caveat inserted here.  I will state, as my regular readers know, that safety is a crucial component.  It is imperative that one take the necessary steps to protect him or herself.  However, there is a limit to what is safe and what is counterproductive.  In other words, be safe but realize there is also a time you need to let go and give it a shot.  The truth is nothing in life entails 100% safety.  Driving an automobile is a catastrophic event for many people at times.  Yet most of us throw caution to the wind in the face of the risks and go for it (that is why we arrive at work...it would be a lot slower to take a bicycle).

As mentioned, the problem with running is that becomes a habit.  The individuals that I am referring are apt to pick up at the first sign of difficulty.  And what exactly is that difficulty?  It is discomfort within him or her.  Therefore, a person of this ilk is not likely to stop the practice.  In fact, it is my experience that it is a mistake to go after a person of this nature.  This action only opens up the realm of a second exiting.  Once a runner, almost always a runner since the fear does not change.

I write this to make people aware of what goes on within them.  The reason this is because the only solution is to be aware what is happening and stand in there regardless of how you feel.  It is too easy to turn tail and run.  However, while this might lessen the pressure within you, ultimately it negates any opportunity for success.  A BDSM relationship is difficult.  Leaving it at the first sign of difficulty might make you feel better in the short-term but will ultimately lead to dissatisfaction.

Jesse Owens was a great runner.  It is also breath taking to see a cheetah or a deer on the open plains going full tilt.  Yet this same quality among people within the BDSM world does not carry the same charm.  Sadly, it is downright sickening to witness.  When one is consumed and driven by fear, it is really a terrible sight.  What gets even worse is when one is aware of this tendency in an individual and witnesses it over and over again.

Fear is something that we all need to learn how to cope with.  The truth is it is impossible for anyone to be certain 100% of the time.  It is a simple fact of life that fear will arise whenever there is some uncertainty.  The unknown can be a scary place.  Yet, this can also be an exciting place to explore and learn.  So it really goes both ways.

At some point, you must decide that it is time to stop running.  Fear is going to ensure you never reach a state of happiness and fulfillment.  It is something that will take your life if you allow it.  People get swallowed upon by this emotion often without realization.  Running helps Olympic athletes achieve their goals but it is an awful way to attain success in the BDSM world.  Fear seeks to maintain the status quo which, for many, means being alone or in a less than fulfilling relationship.  The truth is you will not find the one who is a sensational fit for you if fear is the mechanism you obey.  Nothing in life is guaranteed and there are always risks.  However, it is the ones who are willing to move forward in spite of those challenges who enjoy the fruits of this world.

DN

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.

Taking Responsibility Even After Release

The topic I am going to discuss deals with the responsibility of a Master to a slave after a breakup.  Before getting into that, I need to establish a bit of a foundation so as not to confuse everyone.  The scenario I am dealing with here pertains to a M/s relationship with the 24/7 component to it.  Most likely, the slave resides with the Master and is under his total control.  All financial issues are handled by and property of the Master.  A slave does not own her paycheck nor the money coming in.  Anything she has is granted to her by her owner.

Again, I want to make this very clear that this is talking about M/s with TPE as the central component.  The slave is considered property of her Master.  I know there are many different variation within the BDSM community and ways to structure a relationship.  I just want to be clear about the type of situation I am discussing.

That being said, as mentioned, under this structure the Master reaps all the benefits from the slave's employment.  This is in line with the idea that property does not own property.  A slave has her basic needs met by the Master along with any other extras that he chooses to give her.   This is all in keeping with the idea of slavery.

The problem I have is that many of the "masters" seem to think it is a one way street.  They are very happy to accept the money while she is with him yet seem to want to absolve themselves of responsibility once the relationship ends.  What I am going to bring up is considered by many to be an "old school" idea but it is applicable to this situation.

With power comes responsibility.  When one gives herself, i.e. her life, to another, that entails a great deal of responsibility on the part of the dominant.  It is not a decision to take lightly.  Naturally, we know relationships can end and not all of them see us living happily ever after.  This means a breakup can occur.  In this world, this entails the slave being released.  End of discussion.

Well not exactly.  The problem with this concept is that the responsibility of the Master did not end.  Even though the slave was released, his obligation to her is such that he needs to tend to her until she gets back on her feet.  In most instances, this is a financial commitment.  I see far too many supposed masters leaving the slave destitute.  This is not what BDSM is all about.

I will give you an example.  I had a live in slave for about 5 years.  Upon our termination of the relationship, she had absolutely nothing financially.  This makes sense since it was a true M/s structure where all she had was mine.  So what did we do?  To start, I gave her $5,000 to get her and her stuff back home.  Once there, she had some money to carry her for a while until she found a job.  However, due to the pay schedule of her employment (they get paid monthly) she didnt have enough to get her through to her first full paycheck.  Hence, I wired her another $1,000 to cover some of the basic things that she required.  This got her through until she got her first month's salary and could make her own way.

Another example is a slave friend I have who was in a slave household.  All the slaves worked and forwarded their checks to the Master.  What this particular Master did was took a portion of each check and put it in an account for each girl.  The result was that, over time, enough money was amassed so that when my friend (or any other girl on the house) moved on, she had enough money for a deposit on an apartment, a couple months rent and other expenses until she was able to get her financial house in order.  This is a Master who understood his responsibility to a slave did not end simply because the interaction between the two of them did.

It is obvious why I bring this up.  One does not have to look to far or read too many profiles before uncovering one who was left "high and dry" by some master.  It is always interesting to read how these individuals self describe themselves as stern but fair yet they fall short on a major responsibility towards the one under their protection.  Again, as I wrote a number of times, a BDSM relationship is not a one-way street.  Both parties have responsibilities towards each other.  Neither is allowed to absolve themselves of this crucial point.  One again, we see this starts with the basic commitment to the lifestyle.  If you are going to be a "master" in the BDSM world, there is a certain level of behavior that is expected.  Owning someone is a lot more than just having someone clean your house and present her holes whenever you want.  It is the taking over of someone's life and improving upon it through growth.  And, in this world, this responsibility does not end simply because you released her.

DN 

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.  

Click here Be sure to check out our new FREE social networking site An Owned Life Community.