"Poly" is more than a word

The "poly" lifestyle is something that is practiced by many both inside and outside the BDSM world. It is not something that is exclusive to D/s/ or M/s. However, like with anything, there are some who can handle and some who cannot. In fact, it takes a particular type of person to achieve happiness in a poly situation.

Many seem to think they are able to succeed in a poly relationship. Sadly, the majority cannot. It is similar to those who believe they are cut out for M/s. The truth is that only a small percentage can live in this extreme lifestyle. I would surmise that most who call themselves "slaves" are truly only subs. This becomes evident when they move to real time.

We wrote often of the perils of the Internet. While it is a fine tool for meeting people and gaining exposure, it also leads many to believe what they are experiencing is real. Again, the fallacy of this belief becomes evident when they enter a real life situation. Suddenly the nirvana online is replaced with the reality of life. This lifestyle is simply not for everyone.

In poly BDSM, many crave the idea of having "sisters" to share things with. It is a romantic notion that gets quickly smashed when personalities get involved. The truth is that everyone will not get along all the time. Jealousy is an animal that is almost impossible to tame. Questions about fairness, the time a Master spends with another, and what each is given are all brought up. Slaves are suppose to consider their Master's desires first. Nevertheless, most in poly focus their attention on their individual needs. This is where one ceases to exist as a slave. She suddenly is thinking with the mindset of a traditional relationship.

I would guess the percentage of people who are capable of truly being happy in a poly relationship is to be in the low single digits. It is a rarity to meet the person with the internal strength to understand that fulfilling her Master's wishes is what is important. Most will do things to sabotage the Master's relationship with the other(s). Some of the most underhanded tactics are used to make another look bad in the eyes of Him. When this occurs, the online "sisterhood" is destroyed.

Can you handle being a house slave while another is the pleasure slave? If He decides that He will give all time and attention to another, is this something that you are able to accept? Are you okay with sitting in the background waiting until He determines that He is ready for you? These are all ideas which most overlook when "playing" online. Reality offers a harsher picture than the virtual realm of the Internet.

So how can the chances be increased for success in a poly situation? I wish I had the answer. As the regular readers of this blog know, I am poly Master and have been that way for a long time. My track record is wrought with many train wrecks. Drawing on this experience, I can only conclude that it is a crap shoot in the best of instances. There were people I swore were perfectly suited for poly only to learn they struggled the most. At the same time, some presented a complete surprise by being accepting of all conditions that poly represents.

That being said, the only suggestion I can make is that all parties go into the situation with their eyes wide open. Understand that the people who are capable of this type of relationship are few. That means the odds are slim that you are one of them. Forget the romantic notions of an ideal family arising; the truth is there are lots of arguments, struggles, and tears. In the end, many get hurt when they find out how difficult poly really is.

Online poly is a word that carries little power. In reality, poly is a situation which can create jealousy, loneliness, and heartache. Consider the ramifications before moving forward with this type of situation.

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LaLa Land

Many of you know that I like to say "Life still goes on". Yet, as I travel around the 'Net I come across so many "slaves" who believe that entering into a M/s relationship will solve all their problems. Phooey.

The truth of the matter is that M/s (Or D/s) is a relationship. I do not care what the level of interaction is, whenever two people deal with each other, there is a relationship. This is true for boss, employee, among co-workers, and even with your barber (or hairstylist). And, whenever there is a relationship, there are bound to be issues. People bring different experiences, desires, and expectations to the table. This all results in conflict.

Many will easily acknowledge these facts in the traditional world. However, bring BDSM into the equation and it seems all common sense thought goes out the window. For whatever reason, they seem to believe that this type of relationship is the magical elixir for all that ails them. Again, this is completely untrue.

I understand the unhappiness which comes from living in a lifestyle that is not compatible with one. For years, I struggled with alternating between the traditional and the BDSM world. There were many "vanilla" relationships where I was certainly a "square peg trying to fit into a round hole". Yet, this is different then seeking a way of life to solve any shortcomings in my life.

This is what I see too many trying to do. Sadly, it seems more common on the submissive side as opposed to the domination side. I can only presume because the ones who are not cut out to Dom quickly are exposed as assholes. Nevertheless, subs tend to want to make up for the failures in traditional relationships by suddenly believing a Dom/Master will be Prince Charming with a whip. Not true.

Unless one deals with her core issues, turning to BDSM to solve the loneliness, lack of sex or attention, or past abuses is setting one up for misery. BDSM is part of the real world. It must be approached as such. Life problems will still arise. That is something that you can bank on. To believe otherwise is to try and enter LaLa land. And this is not something that should be done unless one is asleep.


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Slavery is 100% Power Exchange

As I surf the Internet, I am always amused with what is written about the BDSM lifestyle. In fact, there is so much misinformation out that I am amazed anyone can find the truth. The saddest part is that much of this information is written by people who claim to be in the lifestyle. From my perspective, they fail to grasp what this is all about.

Today I will focus upon the Master/slave relationship since it takes the power exchange to the extreme. Those who regularly read my blog know that this is not a lifestyle that is suited for everyone. In fact, I believe that it is the minority who were cut out for this way of life.

In my book, An Owned Life, I wrote how the power exchange is the most fundamental aspect of the relationship. It is the exchange of power which separates it from any other type of relationship.

In traditional relationships there is a somewhat equal exchange of power. Both parties are free to voice their opinions, wants, and concerns. Personalities might skew the power to one side or another, but the basic principle is in place.

This is different in the M/s world. Here the power exchange is total. It is a 100%-0% breakdown. All decisions and power is in the hands of the Master. The slave retains no control over any decisions unless so granted by the Master (or Mistress). Every area of one's life is under this fundamental concept.

Failure to adhere to this simple premise changes the dynamic of the relationship. Many people claim to be into M/s when in reality they are just submissive types. They are not slaves. This is evident in how they assert control over their Masters. They dictate what they will and will not do. WRONG!!! In M/s, the only dictating is from the Master.

Anyone who reads about the Gorean lifestyle will understand how the power breakdown is. That is an extreme example of how total and complete it is. Under Gorean, all actions of the slave are with the permission of the Master. She cannot even use the toilet unless so authorized by her Master. That is total power.

The same procedure holds true for sex, eating, friends, and sleeping arrangements. The slave has no choice in the matter. If her Master wants to use her as a sex toy in the middle of the night, she is not at liberty to say no. At the same time, it is also not her place to initiate the interaction unless so authorized by her Master. Her place is to wait until he instructs her what he wants done. This is what M/s is all about.

Some say that I am to rigid in my views. Well, my answer to that is that the lifestyle has not changed since it was first introduced many centuries ago. Slavery is all about the exchange of power. That is it fundamental definition. Failure to have this as a basis means that one is not into M/s but, rather, a D/s relationship. While there is nothing wrong with D/s (one is not better than the other), to call it M/s is misleading. And those involved are not slave but subs.

Be mindful of this when reading the works of others. I do not write this as a means of demeaning those people. Most of them are kind and wonderful. However, when one is writing something that is misleading, I feel the need to try and clarify matters. M/s is an extreme relationship with little flexibility. If you want something more amicable, try D/s.

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Dealing With Vanilla People

There are many who love the extreme aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. However, one must be extremely careful when interacting with someone who is not involved in the BDSM world. What is mild to us might be considered extreme to another.

I have personally be in more than one situation where I made an off handed comment about some of what I am involved in only to get a mouth-open stare from the other party. People who lead a "vanilla" life are often shocked at the behavior we tend to exhibit. While some might be interested in it, others find it a turn off.

For this reason, I suggest caution when interacting with another who is not in the lifestyle. Many friendships were wrecked because of the prejudices which exist. Remember, there are a lot of preconceived notions which are often false. Many think they know what we are into when in fact they simply misled.

I like to "test the water" when dealing with someone new. It is best to start with something simple like spanking. This is the stage which allows you to determine whether to proceed further or pull back. For example, I met one woman who didn't mind a light spanking but was unwilling to go any further. Mentioning deep bondage might have wrecked anything that we had. This was a situation where pulling back was the proper course.

As always, be mindful who you are interacting with when mentioning BDSM.

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Why Do You Want This Lifestyle?

This seems like a reasonable question and one that you would think people could answer. However, as with most things, people seem to have little idea why they want to be involved in this lifestyle. In fact, people rarely know why they do most anything.

Nevertheless, I ask, why do you want this way of life? Is your motivation positive or negative. What I mean by that, are you looking at this lifestyle because of something that rings within you or is it because you are seeking an alternative to what was not working in the traditional world. Bear in mind, I write these words knowing full well what it is like to have failures in regular relationships. My path is wrought with one failed situation after another. Of course, it was out of these failures that led me to where I am today. I can emphatically state that my motivation for being involved in BDSM is positive. This is how I want to live.

The reason I bring this is up is because my experience leads me to conclude that people who choose this life for the wrong reasons also find the same difficulty as before. BDSM is not going to solve any of your life problems. Regardless of how far into this you go, the common element always is you. If you cannot be happy with yourself, nobody else is going to do that for you. This is a simple fact of life.

People seem to "run" to BDSM. In other words, they are running from the traditional lifestyle. This is alright if you know that you are better suited for this way of life. However, running away from the failures of the past will lead to a repeating in the future. If your problem was low self-esteem, this will doom your BDSM relationship. The same is true for drugs, alcohol, or a lack of interpersonal skills. Unless you correct these shortcomings, they will be your undoing in this way of life.

So ask yourself this simple question, why do I want this way of life? Check your motives to ensure they are proactive and positive.

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BDSM Is Alternative

BDSM is something that is not readily accepted by mainstream society. We, especially in the West, are still highly uptight when it comes to sex. This leads to many pushing their sexual beliefs/actions out of the sight of others. Inevitably, this creates a disconnect among people resulting in many feeling they are different from everyone else.

My belief is that the majority of people practice some form of BDSM in their sexual activities. Of course, this is not something that is commonly mentioned. In fact, those who choose to live this lifestyle actively are cast in a different light. A term such as pervert is often applied.

The fact that BDSM is not readily accepted with the common culture makes it an alternative lifestyle. This become more apparent the further deeper one goes into it. For example, the number of people who participate in M/s are minimal compared to the general population. Mention to the average person that you are in one of these relationships and they will be ready to call the cops. Acceptance is not something that is commonly practiced in this situation.

I always suggest that new people refrain from 'exposing' their choices when first entering into this way of life. The truth is that few will actually encourage your decision. Most, if not all, will try to talk you out of it. They will use the 'be reasonable' argument. Of course, they are only concerned about your happiness (another argument they make).

The bottom line is there is risk with choosing to live this way. The lack of understanding which still exists causes pain for many. Families can be split if the truth emerges. That is why I try to keep aspects of my personal life private within the family unit. Their lack of understanding and judgments will not serve to better our relationship. Like the old saying 'some things are better off left unsaid'.

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D/s or M/s is not about equality

It seems this is something that many have a tough time comprehending. The D/s or M/s relationship revolves around the exchange of power. This is the foundation upon which all interaction is built upon. People who are drawn to this lifestyle tend to want to either dominate or submit (we are leaving switches out of the conversation). Sadly, many misdiagnose what they truly want.

Obviously the level of commitment will vary from relationship to relationship. For example, D/s tends to have less than M/s. Nevertheless, even in this relationship, the Dom is in charge of the agreed upon areas of the interaction during the scene. M/s carries it to even a deeper level.

Many subs/slaves seem to mistake the appropriateness of 'no'. There are many times where a Dom/Master will toy with his sub/slave while providing the freedom to deny the request. However, this is a form of play between the two people. It should not be understood to be a place for a sub/slave to enter.

The bottom line is that a sub/slave is responsible for adhering to the Dom/Master's wishes. If it is something that he wants (written from my masculine experience), then it is her responsibility to follow. That is what Domination/submission is all about. It is not a relationship where equality is an option.

Many are drawn to the Gorean lifestyle. While this is not my particular flavor, my research leads me to believe this is only for those who are truly committed to this way of life. Under Gorean, nothing is left in the slaves control. Her entire life is under the ownership of her Master. 'No' is not an option at any time.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how the total power exchange dictates that the power structure resides with the Dom/Master. Anyone submissive who is looking at this lifestyle needs to understand this most basic point. 'No' is something that should be removed from your vocabulary (we will not discuss limits since that opens up another debate entirely).

It is helpful to know what it truly means to be submissive. When a sub/slave tries to alter her position within the relationship, she is, in fact, trying to dominate. This is very common online. Real time often can be a rude awakening when one realizes that things are very different then was previously experienced. What was acceptable online quickly becomes unacceptable when one makes this transition.

In closing, enter into the BDSM world with your eyes open. If you need to take some extra time before committing to anything, then do that. Safety and happiness are what we seek. Ignore the labels that are used and delve into what you feel fits best for you.


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10 Reasons Why BDSM?

1. It is fun
2. You can do it with normal kitchen implements.
3. Home Depot is a lot cheaper than the sex shop.
4. "Slut" and "Whore" are positive adjectives.
5. It makes your co-workers jealous (especially the married ones).
6. There is always another avenue to explore.
7. Those knot tying skills learned in the Boy Scouts is useful.
8. Bisexuality is readily accepted.
9. It pisses off uptight people.
10. You can't be too kinky

Are there any more you can think of? Add them to the comments.

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A Little Kink Is Good

BDSM is not all about sex. My regular followers know how I allude to the many different levels which are involved in this lifestyle. For many, this is simply a way to spice up their sex lives; while others opt to make a lifestyle transformation from the mundane to the exciting.

As I usually write, it is important to remember that life goes on. Just because you enter into the BDSM way of life, that does not mean that you are exempt from any of the other experiences life has to offer. We work, raise children, volunteer, and pay the bills like everyone else. In short, we are everyday people.

However, there is no reason why anyone cannot add a little 'kink' into their lives. Sex was created to be enjoyed. Like a shoe, there is not a 'one size fits all' approach. Some desire more than just the missionary position every other Thursday night. BDSM is a wonderful way to add the spice that left the bedroom.

Bondage, paddles, and candles are all techniques which can stimulate any sexual encounter. At the core of BDSM is the exchange of power. Even if you are not sure whether you are dominant or submissive, this is something that you can experiment with your partner. For many, taking turns is an erotic way to seek fulfillment when looking for a sexual uplift.

Those who are serious about the BDSM lifestyle understand that it is not all about sex. Nevertheless, many who just want to 'take a look' will find extreme pleasure in concentrating on the sexual aspect of the lifestyle. It is the simplest way to get involved in BDSM.

In my book Erotic Humiliation, I wrote about how easy it is to get started on this way of life. One of the most basic methods is the decide to 'humiliate' the one who is submissive. This can be done either verbally or physically (or both). Erotic humiliation is a turn on since it increases the division of power. When this technique is applied, the relationship quickly moves from an even level to more one-sided. I found this strokes both the Dom and the sub.

BDSM is fun. Try it out in your relationship. There is no need to run out and spend a lot of money on accessories you do not know how to use. Look around the house for items which will be useful in dealing with your sub. One of my favorite is the everyday kitchen spatula. This serves as a wonderful way to paddle one's butt for pleasure.

Add a little kink to your life. We all have mundane tasks that we need to perform. Consider BDSM as a way to take certain aspects of your life to a different level. I am confident you will be happy with the results.


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