May 10, 2009

D/s or M/s is not about equality

It seems this is something that many have a tough time comprehending. The D/s or M/s relationship revolves around the exchange of power. This is the foundation upon which all interaction is built upon. People who are drawn to this lifestyle tend to want to either dominate or submit (we are leaving switches out of the conversation). Sadly, many misdiagnose what they truly want.

Obviously the level of commitment will vary from relationship to relationship. For example, D/s tends to have less than M/s. Nevertheless, even in this relationship, the Dom is in charge of the agreed upon areas of the interaction during the scene. M/s carries it to even a deeper level.

Many subs/slaves seem to mistake the appropriateness of 'no'. There are many times where a Dom/Master will toy with his sub/slave while providing the freedom to deny the request. However, this is a form of play between the two people. It should not be understood to be a place for a sub/slave to enter.

The bottom line is that a sub/slave is responsible for adhering to the Dom/Master's wishes. If it is something that he wants (written from my masculine experience), then it is her responsibility to follow. That is what Domination/submission is all about. It is not a relationship where equality is an option.

Many are drawn to the Gorean lifestyle. While this is not my particular flavor, my research leads me to believe this is only for those who are truly committed to this way of life. Under Gorean, nothing is left in the slaves control. Her entire life is under the ownership of her Master. 'No' is not an option at any time.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned how the total power exchange dictates that the power structure resides with the Dom/Master. Anyone submissive who is looking at this lifestyle needs to understand this most basic point. 'No' is something that should be removed from your vocabulary (we will not discuss limits since that opens up another debate entirely).

It is helpful to know what it truly means to be submissive. When a sub/slave tries to alter her position within the relationship, she is, in fact, trying to dominate. This is very common online. Real time often can be a rude awakening when one realizes that things are very different then was previously experienced. What was acceptable online quickly becomes unacceptable when one makes this transition.

In closing, enter into the BDSM world with your eyes open. If you need to take some extra time before committing to anything, then do that. Safety and happiness are what we seek. Ignore the labels that are used and delve into what you feel fits best for you.

Click here for your version of An Owned Life.



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