May 27, 2011

Understanding A Submissive

Many dominants enter the lifestyle believing that they naturally know what a submissive needs. This is an obtuse outlook which creates a dangerous situation. The truth is the only way one can know who to truly dominate is to understand what a submissive goes through. This is something that is difficult unless one truly can experience it.

A View From The Other Side

Does this mean that every dominant should serve as a submissive for a period of time? No, although that might not be a bad idea of many. In fact, yesterday, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was trained many years ago according to the 'Old Guard' protocol. He said that he was 'treated' to the non dominant end of a crop more than once. This experience showed him the value of truly being able to understand what a submissive goes through.

While that method of training has changed over the years, the concept still holds a great deal of merit (I am not saying the old training doesnt but that is a different matter). One needs to be able to place oneself in a submissive's place at a deep level to truly dominate. Having this opposing view will enable one to control and lead with greater success.

For example, do you realize how difficult it is to trust to the degree whereby you are literally handing over your life to another person? Is this something that you could do as an adult considering all the 'baggage' we all carry with us? Consider this idea for a moment and perhaps you will understand why it is difficult for a person who is new to you to hand it all over immediately.

My Situation

I have shared in a number of posts how I was trained by a slave. My story is one where I got into a relationship (vanilla) with a girl who was previously a slave. As with many, her desire to be owned did not wane after leaving a multiple year relationship. Of course, as luck would have it, I was next in line.

Before going any further, I need to explain some of the dynamics. At the time we were living in a small town on the east coast of Florida. This is the later part of the 1990s, so the Internet was just getting a foothold. At that time, the majority of people were not online since that mode of communication still had not penetrated the masses. Therefore, the BDSM culture, at least in our world, was still underground.

The reason I mention this is to illustrate the fact that it was difficult to come across lifestyle people. This is one reason why this woman put the time and effort into me. She found someone with a natural quality of domination and began working on the education and training process. Over the next few years, I was to learn what a female slave wanted. And, for all you newbies out there, trust me when I tell you that a beating and screwing are not at the top of the list. A true slave desires so much more than that. Also, make a note that fear is a terrible way to control. That is a tactic anyone can use.

Psychological Domination

The ability to understand the other person is what allows one to take control. This is true in all aspects of life. "Understand your enemy and you can defeat him" is the adage from war. Naturally, we are not trying to defeat a sub or slave, but delving into his/her psychological needs is crucial.

Online, I see so many who make the statement about getting control of the heart and you can control all. Unfortunately for those who buy into this, I found it to be not true. My experience is that if you can penetrate a sub at a deep level, right down to her core, then you can take over all of her without effort. She will cede control over willingly and effortlessly. But, that level must be attained.

For this to take place, one must be able to psychologically take control. Again, any meathead can use fear as a tactic. This is shallow and ineffective. Psychological control means understanding what the submissive is seeking. What does she get out of her submission and service to you? What are her fears? Where does she feel vulnerable? What does she want? Those who can answer these questions have a chance of reaching the true depths of this experience. Sadly, few have any clue about these subjects.

Growth is an important factor in the BDSM relationship. Masters or Doms who do not continually focus upon this area are apt to lose a submissive. This is one of her strongest needs even though she might term it something different. A Master's duty is to take a person, gain her trust to the degree she gives all over, and help foster her along a path which leads to her fulfillment (notice the term was not happiness...they are two different things). A fulfilled slave is one who has reached the pinnacle of her existence.

One caveat about this idea. For a slave to continually grow, that means the dominant one also must focus attention on his/her own growth. Sadly, most prefer to live by the code 'do as I say, not as I do'. This does not work. If you want your slave to be the best she can be, that is only possible because you became the best Master you could. Resting upon your laurels does not suffice. That is where stagnation comes in.

In closing, these are a few ideas pertaining to putting yourself in the experience of a submissive. While I touched upon the psychological aspects of things, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The psychology field is full of materials that go into great detail about this important subject. Be sure to open your learning up to these seemingly disconnected areas because they will offer you insight into the mind of another. True domination is about a lot more than whips and chains.

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Anonymous said...

Oh~ how I want to stand on top of the dining room table and read this at the top of my lungs!

Everything you said is so very harmonious to my way of perceiving things.

This week, my love is home from traveling. We had a moment where he was un-"masterful". Meathead would be applicable. What redeemed him is his ability to see and rapidly backtrack when he blows it. He apologized sincerely and in a way that spoke of genuineness to my own "language".

That, in itself, is the key to my own psychology of control. He is human, and in acknowledging it and not strong arming me in to bowing to his meat-headed-ness, I will always and all ways defer to him.

When I watch him struggle to choose the high road, I can do nothing but lay down my defenses and follow. I don't want a Dom, or a Master. I want a man who chooses to I want this specific man, willing to reach for more than he knew, and willing to expect more than I knew.

Aaron Davis on August 30, 2015 at 10:55 PM said...

Trust, on every level. Trust is paramount.

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