May 16, 2011

Tough: You Created The Situation

This is a post that I wanted to write for a while. Part of my dilemma is to deliver the message without coming across as ranting. I will start by telling you I am perfectly calm at this moment. Thus, all that I am writing is devoid of an emotional magnification. There is no anger or upset within me. My sole objective is to get across an idea that I feel extremely important. Of course, in doing that, I know I am going to upset many people. So be it.

Your Life

The simple fact is that you are living your life. Nobody else can lay claim to it. You are the sole proprietor. How you choose to run it is completely your responsibility. Naturally, from my observations, this seems to be a point most people overlook.

I often write about dominants having to lose the habit of blaming, especially when one is an obedient sub. However, this is not the only target of this idea. Judging by society at large, it seems that 'blame' is a favorite pastime of the majority of people. Few truly want to admit that their lives are the results of choices they made. Instead, they run around 'pointing the finger' at everyone who is in range. It is the ex husband fault. Or the children. Or their parents. Or the boss. Or the President. Or the neighbor. Regardless of who is selected, the end result is the person absolving him or herself of responsibility.

So, remember, it is your life and it is up to you to choose how you live. And part of that is taking responsibility for all results you get knowing that you made the choice that put you in that position.

Bad Decisions

Another one of the truths in life is that we all make bad decisions. In fact, most will tell you that the ability to make good decisions is the result of making many bad decisions. We are not handed a 'decision-making' manual at birth. This is literally an exercise in trial and error.

That being said, we need to own up to the choices we make. The fact that we are going to choose some options that are 'less than stellar' just means that we are part of the human race. Everyone does it so get over it. However, the fact that we are all making poor choices does not mean that we can absolve ourselves of the consequences. Part of maturity is knowing that we are still responsible for the outcome.


What does any of this have to do with BDSM? The answer to that brings me to the next subject: victimization. This is a natural offshoot of the blame game. Those who continually blame others are establishing themselves as victims. Ultimately, we get a huge payoff for traveling this route in that nothing is ever our fault. By placing the blame and showing how we are victimized, we are able to elicit the sympathy from others.

Now, I can tell you the BDSM community is full of victims. Anywhere you travel you can see this in full force. People are continually complaining about all the scammers, wannabes, pretenders, and assholes that exist online. Now, I am not going to deny the fact of these people's existence or give them any support at all. I think they are trash that needs to be stepped on. My point is that it takes 'two to tango'.

You Did It!!!!

This is a favorite saying of my slave. But the message carries with it a great deal of truth. Those who want to play the victim are, in fact, responsible. All of them need to look in the mirror, point at the face looking back, and say "You Did It".

Here are some examples that I regularly see:

1. 20 something financial Domme got access to the credit card from some poor unsuspecting sub male only to run up huge charges and split.

2. New sub gets involved in a relationship after a couple weeks only to find the guy she 'submitted' to was not real.

3. A man talks to a submissive girl who proudly wears his 'collar' only to find out she has 9 other guys she did the same thing with.

4. A woman meets a guy for the first time in a motel without heeding any of the suggestions about meeting in a safe manner, and finds herself hacked up and disposed of down the drain in the bath tub.

Our poor victims. Actually, all of them deserved exactly what befell them. Remember, they were all responsible for the choices they made.

Here is the truth:

1. What fool would give a 20 something access to anything. If they say they are a financial domme, replace that with the word hooker or scammer. Either way, you are going to pay. Now, if this is acceptable to you, fine. But stop the belly aching when you get cleaned out. You were the one who gave her access to the accounts.

2. There are many posts on different sites mentioning the importance of taking your time, especially when new. This is a world that differs from what most are accustomed to. The BDSM world, particularly online, is wrought with great dangers. There are all kinds of games played. It takes some time to learn how to identify what really is going on. While nobody is immune, it does increase one's chances greatly. But, the suggestions we offer go unheeded. Instead, our new subbie does what he or she wants explaining to us that 'we do not understand'. So who is at fault? The troller who is doing what trollers do or the 'innocent' subbie who ignored all warnings and did what he or she wanted?

3. Half of what you see online is not real. It can be eliminated immediately. This is a world that is called virtual. It can reflect reality but it is not. The Internet is a place where it is easy to maintain anonymity. Anyone can be anything he or she wants. Those who believe everything they are told are apt to get taken. If you believe your one is real, that is perfectly logical. However, if you find out she was just playing games, realize that you were the one who answered her emails. You chose to interact with her (him) and nobody else. Own up to that fact and move on.

4. As horrific as this is, who chose to appear in a motel room with a total stranger? The point is clear. If one is going to throw common sense out the window, then he or she must know the risks involved. Stupid decisions can often be fatal. But, once again, it is his or her responsibility. While I will grant you that nobody should be brutally killed, this person elected to put him or herself in a dangerous position. This fact cannot be overlooked.

Grow Up

The basic fact is the people need to grow up. Children blame others for their ills in life. This is a sign of immaturity. Sadly, many adults have the exact same mindset. Fortunately, I am here with this post to try and snap some of you out of it.

Accept this: unless it was a complete act of nature, you deserve everything you get in life. If you do not like what you are getting, alter it. But stop blaming others for the choices you made.

-You were the one who married him (her)
-You decided to submit to someone after only being around the lifestyle for a few week.
-You were the one who got involved with a new Dom (sub)
-You were the one who allowed yourself to be tied up without knowing the safety precautions.
-You were the one who offered her the collar.
-You were the one applied for the job.
-You were the one who chose to live there.
-You were the one who spent the money.
-You were the one who gave her access to your bank account.
-You were the one who moved three states to be with him.

There was a time when I felt compelled to exert energy to try and protect new people (especially one the submissive side) from the ills that occur online. No more. My experience is that people are mostly too foolish to see what they are doing. Now, my approach is to put the warnings out there through my writing and leave it at that. Everyone here is an adult. If someone tragic befalls one, I feel safe in concluding that at some point she (he) made a decision to put herself in that situation. I do not buy into the blaming of others. Sub, slave, Master, Dom...we all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves. Common sense is a wonderful asset that seems to be at a premium. Those who lack is (or dont apply it) will suffer the ill-fated consequences. And, sadly, they deserve it.

So grow up and accept responsibility.

Bad Experiences: Our Common Denominator

This post might seem a bit uncaring. The only reason why I take this approach is because the message needs to be rammed home like John Holmes forcing his huge member into a virgin. A wake up call needs to be delivered.

The base fact is that we all had bad experiences. Whatever you are dealing with is not unique. Our posting about certain topics comes from experience i.e. we did the same stupid thing you are doing. We warn because it is a case of 'this is what we did and this is what happened'. Most of us were naive enough to believe someone was who he or she stated only to find out later that it was a viciously lie. At the same time, we also know the experience of getting involved with someone who appeared to be something only to turn out to be something else. Falling for lies, manipulation, and cons are part of our track record. We all were there.

However, in each situation we had to own up to the fact that we were the ones making the decisions. Even in a M/s situation, a slave is the one who chooses whether to submit to one or not. It is her choice. If she makes a bad one, that is on her. The same thing on the dominant side. Everything we do in life involves making a choice. And, all those choices have consequences. Since we made the decision, we have to live with the consequences. Therefore, you created what circumstance you are in.

Welcome to adulthood.

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Urban anonymous on May 18, 2011 at 8:07 AM said...

I absolutely agree with everything you have written here and even wrote a post of my own recently about the very same subject a few days ago.

Anonymous said...


I love your straight forward no bull style. It doesn't leave a place to hide. Oh look it's transparent ;) Lovely.


Anonymous said...

i agree ive been in the bdsm world for years but openly only a few months and have already found some of the dangers my thankfully ive known my slave longer than i even knew bdsm existed and its made our relationship( and my wrists haha) alot stronger

Anonymous said...

i agree ive been in the bdsm world for years but openly only a few months and have already found some of the dangers my thankfully ive known my slave longer than i even knew bdsm existed and its made our relationship( and my wrists haha) alot stronger

Anonymous said...

Someone who's murdered has themselves to blame? That's a disgusting concept.

No, people get angry with those who hurt them for a reason - because it's a natural response that keeps them safe in future. Is simmering, bitter rage long after the event constructive? No. But it's legitimate to both believe that one has been wronged and take positive steps to protect oneself in future. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

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