May 7, 2011

Saving Others

This is a subject that tends to arise on a regular basis. Experience is teaching me to let go and allow others to achieve the results of their own actions. Of course, this covers both the positive and the negative. Sadly, most seem to garner a whole lot more negative.

Saving Someone Else

Being of the 'teaching' mindset, one of my pleasures is interacting with others to impart my experience upon them. I see this same outlook in many people who are around this lifestyle. However, there comes a line where the teacher stops and the student begins. I can only presume this is exactly what educators in all fields experience.

Unlike chemistry or calculus where one will suffer the ill consequences of failing a course, those who 'stray' in the BDSM world end up enduring harm. While it might not be physical, the bottom line is people are regularly hurt by the actions of others. Unfortunately, many of them were warned in advance. Of course, the point is crossed where the teacher knows less than the student.

My point here is that it is impossible to save someone else. This is a life lesson as opposed to only being applicable in the BDSM world. Every parent who had a child goes astray knows this fact. There are times one needs to step back and allow another to suffer the consequences for his or her actions.

There is an old saying, you cannot save someone from him/herself. I see this regularly in the BDSM community. People, especially submissive types, are forewarned about certain things yet go ahead and do it anyway. Then, after a few weeks or months, they are surprised when things go sour. Spend time on any BDSM forum and you will see this exact scenario spell out.

Growing Towards Excellence

My opinion is that BDSM is a lifestyle where people grow towards excellence. Contrary to popular opinion, one cannot walk into this lifestyle and be adept at things instantly. I am always surprised (although I shouldn't be) at those who believe they can call themselves 'new Masters'. These are contradictions in terms. To very essence of being a Master, by definition, means you are experienced. Without this, you have not mastered anything.

Those who enter this life, and stay, are those who are dedicated to learning and growing. BDSM is a lifelong study. One never knows all there is. Even those who lived this way for 40 years will tell you there is always something that encounter which is new to them. The growing never stops unless one decides to take that approach. And, that is when he or she begins the process of moving backwards.

BDSM is about what you are doing as an individual. As mentioned, a teacher (or mentor) can only provide so much input. Ultimately, it is up to the individual Dom or sub to seek and internalize greater amounts of knowledge. Personal growth is an individual journey. Of course, there are many who are involved in relationships. In this instant, there are three paths which need consideration: the growth of each individual plus the grow of the relationship. I am a firm believer that the later cannot occur without the former being in place. If the individuals stop learning and growing, the relationship will also. Excellence is something that we all should be striving for.

Learning From The Mistakes

The mistakes we encounter are not new. It is a truth that people, especially newer ones, are not creating something novel. Instead, they are following the same behavior patterns we witnessed for years. This is a fact of the human existence. There really is very little that any of us encounter which is original. Humans beings tend to do the same thing.

One sign of intelligence is to learn from the mistakes of the past. Of course, this will start with your own personal missteps. But, what if you are new and do not have those? This is where the smart person will begin to look at the transgressions of others in an effort to avoid those same pitfalls. I only wish this concept encompassed everyone. My experience is that very few do this.

This is where the desire to save others from themselves comes in. As mentioned, this is a fruitless proposition since people are going to do what they want. Even when we feel we know the outcome, and most times we are correct, you simply cannot get through to most. They feel they are different. Of course, we are told we do not understand. What our newer person fails to grasp is that we understand all too well. There is a terrific chance we followed the same pattern at one point in our lives.

Therefore, it is best to learn from the mistakes we already made. We can save you a lot of heartache (and assache). Many of us in the lifestyle write on a blog such as this to parlay our experience in an effort to help. However, we are also the same people who understand that we cannot save you from yourself. There does come a time when we step back and say 'good luck' knowing full well what is going to happen. Ultimately, it is up to you to save yourself.

Mistakes are par for the course...suffering is optional.

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