Fear-Based 'Masters'

Here is an email that I received on my Facebook page:

"hello Dennis , i really want to accept you friend request but i cant as i have a Master that does not allow me to accept requests from men ."

Isn't that too bad. Her 'Master' doesn't allow here to accept friend requests from men. Anytime I see this it makes me wonder why that is? What is this incredibly talented example of domination afraid of? Why is his insecurity meter reading 'extreme' when he is such a worthy specimen of the lifestyle.

My answer is that he isn't. Now, I will preface by saying I do not know this man. Therefore, all conclusions are made based upon the general tendencies I have witnessed for years. This is my disclaimer stating that I might be wrong about this dude but I doubt it. Experience is on my side on this one.

Fear of Challenge

The greatest fear that most people who claim to be dominants in the lifestyle have is that they might get challenged. What I mean by this the greatest percentage of people one sees who proclaim to be 'Masters' actually have no clue about what this lifestyle means. Instead, they prey upon the ignorance of newer people. Since they failed to take the time to learn what domination is all about, they use different tactics to ensure their control. These people are not Masters but abusers. It is that plain and simple.

By the way, if you are one who has a Master who does not allow you to interact with others, take that as a sign that you are dealing with a fake. Isolation is one of the most popular techniques of people of this ilk. Those who say they don't want a sub/slave interacting with Dominants (i.e men in most instances) are exhibiting their fear and insecurity. Honestly, does he think that someone is going to steal you away from him. If that is a probable outcome, then I would say that there is a problem in the relationship to begin with.

The Best

Maybe I am off base on this, but as a dominant within the lifestyle, I take the approach that I am the best Master. While many of you will take this to be arrogant, I believe it is the mindset that every true Master has. Now, do not mistake this for believing that I am perfect, that I do not make mistakes, or that I cannot learn more. The truth is that I am human and do not have all the answers. However, I have an inner confidence that tells me that I am at an elevated state within this lifestyle.

I compare this to a professional athlete. Tiger Woods believes he is going to win every golf tournament he enters. Cliff Lee thinks he is going to win each time he takes the mound. Lebron James does not believe anyone can stop him from scoring. Of course, everyone who is competing against these players feels the same way. That is why you see few backing down at this level. The internal confidence reins in all they do.

Again, does that mean these athletes do not work on their craft? No. Oftentimes the greatest athletes spend the most time practicing. The same is true in the BDSM world. I have spent a lot of time studying all the different aspects of human nature and domination. Physical control is the easiest aspect to master. This only requires being able to instill fear-something the abusers excel at. However, true Mastery of another person requires first mastering oneself. And this takes years to develop.

Fear Enters All We Do

The problem with fear is that is it like a cancer. Those who are insecure and full of self-doubt are constantly driven by fear. My reasoning for pointing out the email at the beginning is because this exemplifies how fear operates. Here we have a 'Master' who refuses to allow his slave to interact with other Doms (men). What is his reasoning? Because he is afraid that someone will come in and steal her away. It is that simple. This is a inherent confidence issue men have that dates back to the beginning of time. Of course, the BDSM world takes it to another level since since the online world is full of so many morons who will not respect the fact that someone is owned.

Which brings me to another point in this discussion. I have heard the counterclaim that the reason one does not allow his sub/slave to interact with other men is because of all the trollers out there. I don't but this argument for a second. Two things come to mind when I hear this. To start, it shows that one has no confidence in a sub/slave's ability to tell someone else to get lost. The truth is that most sites have the ability to block those who get unruly. Also, many site administrators will ban those who carry things too far. A simple email will result in the person being warned. This can take care of a great portion of the meatheads you encounter.

Naturally, this will not result in all. And that is the second point: secluding one with an order that she cannot interact with men will not stop people of this ilk. They have no regard for the lifestyle or what others say. Therefore, the only thing one is doing is showing himself to be fear-based and allowing the circumstances of the online world to take control. Not masterly behavior if you ask me. But then again, these people aren't worthy of being called Master in my opinion.

As you can see, fear is a powerful force that we all need to deal with. However, those who want to live as Masters had better take control of it or they are going to fail. Fear will consume you and make you look foolish in the eyes of others, especially the one you own. Be forewarned.

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Abuse Within The Lifestyle

I am appalled at how many actually believe that the BDSM world is a forum where one is free to abuse another. This is absolutely insane. Under no circumstances is the abuse of one who is under your control acceptable. I am a believer that if you do that, I ought to get to spend a couple of hours with you under my control. And trust me when I tell you that I know some pretty good torture techniques.

Domination

Much of this blog is spent writing about ways to identify the pretenders versus the real lifestyle people. The online community makes it more difficult simply because it is open to everyone with an internet connection. Nevertheless, I spell out what domination is about and what it is not. Those who focus on the physical/sexual are proving themselves to be nothing more than pretenders. Their actions exhibit the simple fact that they have no clue what it takes to be a Dom, let alone, Master.

Domination is not something that one can pretend to excel at. There is no way to fake it unless you are dealing with someone who is completely ignorant of what this lifestyle is all about. Of course, there are thousands of 'subbies' running around who fit that bill. They are the ones who are apt to fall for the crap that these supposed 'doms' spew. Ultimately, the submissive one ends up getting hurt, it is only a matter to what degree. Some are simply heartbroken while others have the living snot beat out of them.

If domination (or Mastery) was about physical intimidation then every battering redneck would be considered a Master. The truth is abuse is abuse. Being involved in the BDSM lifestyle does not mean that one has a license to engage in such behavior (or take it). People who are under this misconception should be exposed at every turn. There should be no tolerance for abusive behavior. Being abusive does not equate to being dominant. Imprint this firmly in your mind.

Mastery/Slavery

This idea takes on a different meaning when one is involved in the TPE aspect of the lifestyle. Many seem to think that a slave is property (which she is) and, thus, needs to endure whatever is done to her. Again, this is a misconception of epic proportions. We engage in a consensual lifestyle. That means that we each volunteer for what we are involved in. A slave goes to a Master seeking domination, not abusive. Hell, many that I interacted with who are new seem to have that one covered in their life. They didn't need to come to the BDSM world to get slapped around.

Any 'Master' who believes he can abuse a slave physically is a candidate for arrest. It is that simple. I do not care if he is your 'true one'. If he is violent and emotionally out of control, call the cops. This is a concept that most believe foreign. How can a slave call the police on her Master? Simple. She just dials 911 (or 999 UK). There is no great mystery. After that, she does what she has to do to get away from that person.

Some are shocked by this outlook. Here is the reasoning. I could care less how long one is professing to be in the lifestyle, if he is abusive he is not a Master. And, if you are a slave, you need a Master not a nitwit. Thus, you are wasting your time by remaining with someone so boldly unqualified to own you. Contrary to your hopes and optimism, things will not get better.

An Inward Journey

Being a Master is an inward journey. Too many feel the way to become a Master is to get a slave and 'practice' on her. Wrong again Chico. The path to Mastery starts be identifying those qualities within yourself that will enable you to take control (and responsibility) for another. One major component in my experience is for one to seek emotional mastery. Those who cannot control themselves in this manner have no business being involved in an M/s relationship. Certainly, there are times we all lose our cool. However, there is a big difference between getting a bit upset over a circumstance and becoming a batterer. People of the later design belong in jail.

Domination is done with the mind. To do this, one needs to penetrate someone at a deep level. Making your point with your fists is not the way to go about that. Instead, that is proving your inability to truly dominate another. Anyone can use fear as a tactic. The challenge is to use of other methods which get better results. Only one who delves deep within himself can understand the qualities it takes to operate in this manner. The pretenders use fear since it is an easy tactic. Masters use mental and psychological control. The first abuse; the second dominate.

Intention

What constitutes about? Quite simply it is the intention. Obviously many of the vanilla believe all of what we do is abusive. The truth is that punishment handed down in an effort to alter a particular behavior is not abusive. Of course, the punishment needs to fit the crime as they say. If one goes overboard with every little transgression, that is also another for of abuse. A true Dom/Master will know where that line exists.

Much of our play involved paddles, needles, whips, chains, and rope. The truth is that many enjoy this aspect and crave the pain. Other do not. It is a dominant's responsibility to find the limits of each individual that he deals with. Again, since there is consent, it is not abusive.

We have a saying: safe, sane, consensual. While there might be some debate about the full merits of this concept, there is no doubt that this expels the notion of abuse being acceptable. If you are one who wants to batter, or feels that it is appropriate to batter a slave, then you need to learn this valuable lesson. And, if you are a slave who is suffering at the hands of an asshole like this, then I suggest you have the police on your speed dial. DO NOT HESITATE TO PROTECT YOURSELF. Just because you are a slave that does not mean you have to be subject to this behavior. And if you find someone who feels you do, please send them my way.

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Finding What You Need

I interact with many people throughout the week. Continually I have people hitting me up seeking to share their experiences with me. Often this is done because they are questioning what they are involved in. It seems that few find the utopia that I write about. Of course, one only needs to look at the decisions people make to understand why. If more would follow the suggestions I outline, they would eliminate a great deal of hassle.

Bad Endings

Logic ought to dictate to you that not everyone is a fit for you. It seems that many are under the impression that if one is submissive, he or she ought to go with anyone who is dominant. At the same time, those on the other side of the fence have the same viewpoint. Too many are willing to jump at the first person who comes along. This is a tragic mistake of epic proportions. Over the years, I personally have heard firsthand every story that ends in catastrophe with the exception of death. Homeless, rape, assault, lies, and deception are par for the course when one jumps into things too quickly.

While this post is not meant to scare anyone, I believe people need to be mindful of what exists out there. I will say that the most common experience is that people suffer some heartbreak. Lies and misdirection are commonplace among the BDSM community. While many are not outright frauds, they do exaggerate what they are. This enables one to suck in a willing accomplice since the stories are so powerful. When one is truly seeking, without safeguarding against dishonesty, he or she is vulnerable to getting taken. Ultimately, while not hurt, one finds him or herself in a situation that does not resemble what is desired.

What Fits You

I will admit there is no foolproof way to avoid some bad outcomes. Relationships by their nature are precarious and any time emotions are involved, hurt can result. However, one thing that you can do to increase your chances is to know exactly what you are seeking. This requires an internal search to determine your goals and desires. Few ever take this step in any area of life. Nevertheless, if you want to really succeed in the BDSM world, it is best to understand what you are after.

Getting back to my original premise, not everyone on the other side of the power exchange equation is suitable. For example, if you are truly a slave, then you had better resign yourself to taking some time to find a Master. Trust me when I tell you this, they are not all over the place. Even though the profiles might state they are a "Master", be leery. I will bet the ranch that the vast percentage are gross exaggerations of someone of this ilk. In fact, most of them do not know the first thing about being a Master. This can create a bad situation if you are one truly offering everything you have. I find that most are ill-prepared for the responsibility that goes along with that concept.

By the same token, not everyone is cut out to live and serve a Master. There are many who seek a degree of control in their lives. Even though these people are submissive, they prefer to experience it in only a few areas. Problems will arise if one gets with a person who demands total control all of the time. As you can see, these two aren't compatible in this regard. Of course, neither is wrong in their approach to the lifestyle; simply they have two different desires. Knowing what one desires is paramount.

So, what is it that you need? Are you one who seeks complete and total control (or desires to give it all over)? If so, be certain to get with someone of similar outlook. At the same time, if you want less than TPE, query the one you are interacting with to decide if that is what you seek. But everything starts with the inward journey.

Qualities

Once you decide what you need, then you can go about fulfilling this. However, this is another occasion where many fail to heed the proper suggestions. Again, I need to stress that time is crucial. The manipulators and exaggerators excel at using speed to their advantage. They seek to 'wrap things up quickly'. Even in long distance relationships, they use pressing measures to get you to agree. This is scarcely different than the slick telemarketer who gets one to buy an overpriced cruise because there is a bottle of free wine included. Preying upon the human emotion of fear is an age-tested practice.

Finding the qualities that reside within a person takes time. Here is a case where you want to ignore what a person says. Instead, looking at how one lives his or her life tells a great deal. If you want to find out who I really am, ignore what I say and focus upon what I do. Am I reasonably consistent in my life? Do I appear to be one who is emotionally in control especially when things do not go my way? Or am I one flying off the deep end at the slightest mishap? Is my focus long-term or am I totally obsessed with the present moment? Am I one who puts a lot of stock in what others think? Or do I exemplify the ability to make my own decisions regardless of how others will view it? The answers to these questions will help you to determine some things about me in terms of the qualities I carry as both a person and a Master.

Fortunately, there are qualities present in all kinds of people that you find in the lifestyle that are common for that particular role. Subs differ from slaves just like Masters differ from Doms. Noticing the lack of qualities in a particular person while help to identify what that person truly is. Inferiority complexes, people pleasing, and an overwhelming lack of confidence reveals that one is not practiced in mastery and might want to be avoided. At the same time, one needs to be able to identify a willingness to grow, discipline, and obedience in another if she is to live as a slave. These qualities are universal in most of the people who were successful in this way of life.

The bottom line is there is not magic pill for success. We are dealing with relationships. However, it is vital that one improve his or her chances by engaging in intelligent decisions. Knowing what you desire while seeking out the qualities in a person that match that desire are some basic ways you can avoid some of the pitfalls mentioned at the start of this article. Like all things in this way of life, we look for solutions that increase our chances. Nothing is perfect but there are methods which will end up in tragedy. I hope this helps you in some way.

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Society's Acceptance

In case you missed it, society is not exactly accepting of people leading alternative lifestyles. The basic premise of that people should follow the existing dogma. Obedience is what is desired. Your personal happiness is not relevant to the majority of the population. Everyone has an agenda. It is crucial that we all remember that.

Our Loved Ones: The Worst

It is sad but usually the strongest opinions come from those who are closest to us. Most will proclaim they 'only want us to be happy'. However, I challenge you to do something that goes against their beliefs and you will see what the real meaning of this is. What people often are saying is 'I want you to be happy as long as you are doing what I believe you should be doing'.

This theory is tested regularly by teenagers all over the world. However, they are not the only ones who need to be spitting in the face of conventional wisdom. Sadly, there is always an agenda and it is meant to control you. Look at the religious bodies; many of them are intent on pushing their ideas upon you. Parents have a similar outlook; most parents are intolerant of alternative choices of an offspring. This is reality and to deny it is foolhardy.

BDSM: One Path to Freedom

To me, BDSM is about freedom. Any time a person makes a choice that goes against the traditional model, that person is exercising an option to live as he or she sees fit. This is what freedom means. Slavery is living according to how others decide. This is not what mankind was meant to do. I believe that our internal fibers seek to live in accordance to what is within us.

Understanding that most of society behaves like obedient slaves is paramount to comprehending what occurs. To start, many are jealous of someone living in a way that makes them happy. There are so many people who are miserable and find it easier to rip someone else down as opposed to improving their lives. These people share the same blood line with us in many instances. This means their own happiness is transferred to us if allowed.

BDSM is a private affair. This may seem strange when posting on a public forum. However, the truth is that people should keep their private affairs to themselves. It is no one's business how you choose to structure your relationship. Many enter this way of life and want to tell everyone what they found. This is a bad move. Most seem to find an unexpected backlash. It is your freedom that is important. Allow others to live as they see fit. Concentrate your efforts upon your own life. This is what BDSM is all about.

Courage

It takes courage to search out and find what makes you happy. It also requires tremendous strength to follow that path once you find it. BDSM is not something for those who are weak. Many seem to believe that people who live this way, especially submissives, do so out of weakness. This is incorrect. While many will enter this life from that place, those who succeed are not weak. Strength is evident in every true sub/slave I ever met. Simple consider the potential backlash from loved ones to decide how easy a choice it is. Many have to make extremely tough decisions and leave situations that are fairly comfortable. Courage is their only ally in many instances.

Society knows that it is not easy to face these decisions. Every step of the way, it uses guilt to tear down one's confidence. When one's self esteem is low enough, then it is simple to control that person. And this is exactly what society does. Those who fear being pointed out as different blindly obey whatever dogma is handed to them. Few ever question what those beliefs are. Instead, they simply accept it as true and follow that path. Individuality is erased and replaced. One is nothing more than a conformist.

Therefore, to excel in the BDSM lifestyle, one needs to be an individual. Conforming to a set of beliefs that are never questioned is not what we are about. Each of us needs to take a path that makes sense in our own minds. To do this we risk being ostracized by those who we love. Nevertheless, it is what is often required for us to find our own happiness and fulfillment.

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Mentoring

This topic came up on my social networking site yesterday and I thought I would pass along a few comments to you about it.

Mentoring is a viable way for a new person to learn about this lifestyle. Basically, in this scenario, an experienced person is chosen to help guide the new person through the pitfalls of the early stages of the lifestyle. We are involved with something that is so vastly different from the traditional that people are often overwhelmed with what they see. Also, since there are so many predators who seek to prey upon the vulnerability and ignorance of new people, it is helpful to have an experienced individual act as a protector. Obviously, this pertains more to the submissives rather than dominants. But, the concept of a mentor is helpful to both.

As mentioned, a mentor needs to have experience. That is the first things that should be sought out. I am amazed at how many get with someone who has only a few months or a year experience. That is not a mentor. Instead, that is a person who is most likely preying upon the sub in a deceitful manner. A mentor is there to pass along all knowledge gained by being around the lifestyle for a number of years (or decades). Thus, it is crucial that one be around for this time period.

A second thing that a mentor must be is trustworthy. Here is where the situation can enter a gray area very quickly. It is common for a new sub to 'fall for' her mentor. This is a person who is going to act in a manner that resembles a Dom or Master. However, he is not that person. The line between owning someone and being a mentor is clear. There is a degree of trust that is handed over to a mentor in the same way a therapist or counselor is given trust. To betray that by personally involving oneself moves into the area of deceit.

This means that the mentor needs to understand the limits completely. One who crosses the line is the lowest form so slim there is. I have greater respect for the trollers who are upfront and obvious about things. Most with any slight intelligence can pick them up instantly. The mentoring predators are more difficult. So, we need to be leery of these people.

Mentoring is advantageous in that it allows one to learn about this lifestyle without making the commitment to a particular person. Also, I always suggest one have more than one mentor so as to alleviate the possibility of one crossing the line and taking advantage. Plus, it is always helpful to have a couple of viewpoints about things.

Therefore, if you are new, before rushing headlong into a relationship, consider a mentor. It could be a way to prevent you making the mistakes that are commonplace today.

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A Time To Recommit

The new year time always bring a sense of optimism and hope. No matter how bad the previous year, it is now in the past (sadly, this is also true if it was a terrific year). People start the year by making resolutions and promises to themselves. Even while in the midst of winter, it is the eternal spring.


Within the lifestyle, I find this a good time to recommit to what it is we discuss on here. To start, many have questions periodically about what they are doing living in this way. Society likes to bash us at every turn. This will make even the most experienced of us consider 'is it worth it'. This is the time when it is helpful to take the opportunity to recommit to your decision to live in this manner. We do not end up partaking in the power exchange life by mistake. Most of us tried the traditional route and found it wanting. If you are here, just remember the path that took you here. Society might want to push you in another direction. For those of us who stay...we know it is been there, done that, have the T-shirt.


Another thing, if you are involved in a relationship, recommit to that. Time has a way of making things mundane. Familiarity breeds contempt. Recommit to the one you own or serve. Look back over the last year and identify where you fell short (and yes to all you Masterful Dominants, you fell short to). Where did you let him or her down. Were you neglectful? Deceitful? Fearful? Manipulative? Dishonest? Commit to double your efforts to that person and your ownership/service to him/her.


Let everything you went through the last 12 months serve as a building block. The good times should be expanded upon. The bad times, if they didnt kill you (which if you are reading this, they didnt) only made you stronger and can be applied in the future as lessons. The next 12 months are an open canvass for you to design the masterpiece called 2011. Start by recommiting in the areas I mentioned as a foundation for your success and happiness.

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Societal Lies: Domination

BDSM involves power exchange relationships of some type. This is the essence of the Domination/Submission part of the acronym BDSM. However, these are two qualities that society doesn't necessarily promote.

Domination-Not Overtly

Society seems to preach domination. It talks about being in control and taking charge. In the business world, we are taught to forge ahead while making the company more profitable. The wealthy are glamorized on television and in magazines. We follow the lives of Lindsey Lohan, Brad Pitt, Donald Trump, etc... This is a part of Americana that we cherish.

However, society actually degrades these people in a not so overt manner. We are taught that the rich take advantage of people and the wealthy are mean and arrogant. People like Donald Trump are equally pounded for having an oversized ego as for the deals he puts together.

At the same time, the male species was 'wussified' by the ever evolving sentimental mindset. Aggressive behavior is no longer an admired trait but one that gets a person entered into counseling. Men were taught to be sensitive; that it is okay to cry. They were taught to get in tough with their 'feminine' side so as to be mindful of feelings. The hard, coarse Marlboro Man was replaced with the Metrosexual.

In short, society is promoting its equality concept. A strong man being in charge is underhandedly slapped down. The elite write papers and books describing how destructive the animal instinct is in mankind. One who acts in an authoritative manner is found to be mean and insensitive. At the same time women were shown how to assert themselves more. It's no longer a 'man's' world. Instead, the battle of the sexes forged a new interaction with each genders roles changing.

Masters/Doms

Most Masters/Doms do not have what it takes to control and dominate. The natural instinct that was within each of these individual's was stamped out of them by society. Few are skilled at the art of making decisions, providing leadership, and taking control in risky situations. Instead, most excel at the fine art of procrastination, indecision, and indifference. This makes one a good slave in society's eyes (its goal) but an awful person to be in charge of a D/s relationship.

Those who succeed in power exchange relationships do not buy into the lies of society. One needs to know in his heart that it is perfectly acceptable to choose a life of domination. Since that is what is within one naturally, it is an easy transition to make...if one is willing to engage in the proper mindset. And that is where most fall down.

Domination is not something that can be faked. A submissive who is seeking someone to assume control will not submit to one who lacks the skills to uphold her. While some will impress a new one in the immediate term, the truth is that long term domination requires the skills I mentioned previously. Self discipline, another factor rarely talked about in the victimization world, is another component that will enable one to follow. However, as can be guessed, most lack this ability which negates their domination.

Masters/Doms need to continually have the mindset of excellence. The idea that one is moving towards elite status is what separates him from the masses. And separation from all the other noise is required to get (and keep) the attention of a true submissive. Excellence should always be on the mind of a dominant one. He is not one to settle. Everything around him is subject to his control. This is contrary to what society promotes but is basic for success in the D/s world.

So once again, excelling in the BDSM world requires one to shed the mindset that society promotes and not buy into its lies. Domination is just example of how many are ill prepared to live this lifestyle. It necessitates a total transformation in one's thinking.

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Isolation

This is a tactic that is universal across the online spectrum and used as a means to control a sub/slave by one who is otherwise unable to do so.

Isolating a sub/slave is a tactic the pretenders use consistently in an effort to keep their lies and misinformation alive. The truth is these people prey upon newcomers in an effort to get what they want. At a minimum they are annoying...at a maximum they are dangerous. Do not allow yourself to be placed in a situation like this.

Fear of Someone Taking Her

Often the reason for this tactic (cited) is because there are so many trollers who will hit upon her that I need to protect her from them (yeah and who is protecting her from you). Of course, what our virtuous doesnt realize is that she somehow managed to navigate things before he came into the picture. The truth is that a person of this ilk is actually insecure and afraid someone real will steal her away. This is the pretenders worst nightmare.

Lies are an interesting concept to analyze. As we weave them, they get deeper and more complex. Remembering them is difficult. Thus, the best way to maintain the deception is to isolate one from any source of knowledge. Mankind has done this for centuries. Ever noticed how the illiterate are ones who tend to be further behind everyone else ? Reading was/is a method that allows one to prevent another from seeking knowledge. Isolation is another method.

The truth is that no real dom is concerned about a sub being taken. If one's relationship is real, there is no reason to go to this length. I have a live in slave who is allowed to speak with whomever she chooses in open forums. Does this bother me or make me think that she will suddenly be swept away by someone else? Of course not. Nobody is going to succeed in that area as long as I maintain my domination and control in the proper manner. This is what a dominant does.

Our fearful, albeit virtuous dom doesnt have this confidence. The reason is because he knows deep down he is a farce. In other words, he has nothing real to offer. Over the years I saw so many of these dimwits it makes my head spin. Yet they all do the same thing. Isolation is a practice that is not done for the protection of the sub/slave but, rather, for the lies and deception of the pretender.

Danger

Anyone who agrees to this is a complete fool. People who think like this are dangerous. The BDSM world is wrought with peril simply because of the lifestyle we lead. Many of the activities that we are involved in require specialized knowledge. There are many things which need to be done only with expert supervision. A new person trying these things out is downright horrific. Tragedy can strike at any time.

The online world is wrought with scams, lies, and deception. It is the nature of this medium since anonymity is so easy to maintain. I cannot tell you how many people I interacted with who mentioned the idea of moving themselves (and kids) to a Master they knew nothing about. When questioned, the response is often 'Master doesnt take questions from slaves'. Hello. Get the hell out then. How can any sane person expect to formulate a relationship in such a manner?

Knowledge is key. People come to this lifestyle knowing very little about it. There are many preconceived ideas most of which are wrong. Then, our sweet little subbie compounds the issue by getting involved with someone in under 2 weeks. Hence we have a naive mind able to be coaxed by the pretenders. There are a number of sites which are full of kiddie doms and comic book masters. They pounce on every new person as soon as the profile goes up.

When dealing with these fools, the best thing that can happen is for some emotional trauma to take place. Many get suckered into believing what they have is 'real' when it is nothing more than misleading lies. Ultimately, in many instances, since these people were playing online games, the person is crushed to realize he or she was taken. However, if that is the extent of the damage, then all is well. Sadly, this isnt always the case.

Meeting one of these people in person ups the stakes considerably. This is where the real danger comes in. Unfortunately, since our person is new and extremely naive (in addition to being woefully in love), she wasnt aware of the proper means to protect herself. Hence she is at the mercy of someone who might not have her best interest at heart.

Without going any further down that path, I will state the best way to protect yourself is to avoid this situation totally. If you are talking to someone and he tells you that you are not to talk to other Doms/Masters, tell him to screw off. I mean it. Run for the hills. Get out of Dodge. Move on Batman. Forget all the feelings you have and the 'need' to serve him. This is a person who is not worthy nor capable of taking your submission. I can promise you, the odds are not in your favor. Pretender tactic 101 is a sure sign that this is a person to avoid. In the long run, you will save yourself a lot of heartache and perhaps a lot more. DO NOT TAKE THESE WORDS LIGHTLY.

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Society's Lies

Society is totally and completely full of shit. Everything you were taught is most likely a lie. All your training was done to simply make you a non-consensual slave. This is the plight that the masses suffer. Few, in a 'civilized' society amount to much more than that. The land of the free is an illusion for children.

It Doesn't Work

Why do I make these harsh statements? Simply because they are true. And the reason why I can state this so emphatically is because what society teaches does not work for the majority of the people. The general populous is chasing a pipedream which, if achieved, is untrue.

Think about some of the lessons you heard. Try this one on for size:

Go to school, get a good job, meet the right girl, get married, and live happily ever after.

Okay, where do I start with this mess. In the United States, at this moment, unemployment is hovering around 10% (officially-the unofficial number is really closer to 18%). That means there are a whole lot of people who went to school who are having trouble getting a good job. Thus, happily ever after is going to have to wait a while.

At the same time, we know the divorce rate is close to 60%. That means 6 in 10 marriages fail. While I will grant there are many 'repeat offenders' who can skew the numbers, there are also ones such as myself who never married. Ergo, we have another piece of the equation that is out the window. Getting married is not necessarily the path to happiness.

Madison Avenue

Of course, the above is just one example of how we are misled. Look at the propaganda put forth by Madison Avenue. Almost every commercial simply lies to you in some form. The basic tenet of most ads is that 'you need this product'. Well, I can emphatically tell you that you do not. The truth is that you will be okay even if you do not have that exotic automobile. You can get laid without spending huge sums on designer perfumes and cologne. Whatever they are selling you do not need.

The reason why they are effective is because people lack the esteem to make their own choices. Here is where we also see society's lies in action. What percentage of the population has a high enough level of esteem to be able to make choices for themselves? I would say a very small percentage. Most follow like blind seals; rarely questioning anything. The advertisers, religious zealots, and political figures all use this to their advantage. They know the masses are asleep.

Your Life

One of the grandest lies is that you exist for someone else (unless you choose that route). This outlook is deemed selfish by society which is a sure sign of conditioning. The fact is that your life is yours. You are free to spend your time on this planet as you see fit. If there is a particular path that you would like to follow, it is up to you to do that. However, those who supposedly love us will cast their judging eyes upon us. This is something that only a few can tolerate.

Our society is made up of a bunch of 'people pleasers'. It is a conglomerate of weak people who are lead around by those with the foresight and power to take control. Thoreau was correct in his assessment that most live 'lives of quiet desperation'. The need to be liked, fit in, or feel love is so great that we will do anything to please those around us. We lose the ability to say 'no' to the whims of others which means we are saying 'no' to life. Whenever our choices are unknowingly made in this manner, then we are slaves. This is not something that is consciously known, thus, being non-consent. History shows this is nothing new.

The Awakened Are Free

Those who wake up to the lies are free to live. The other day I wrote a post that dealt with the freedom of bdsm. Those who consciously choose the BDSM lifestyle are free for a simply reason: they broke from the mindset that society implemented and forged a direction based upon a decision they made. These people are no longer asleep.

BDSM is about truth. It is a way of life that allows one to select something that is not in the mainstream but will provide the happiness and fulfillment (an often overlooked quality in life) that many are seeking. Is this a path for everyone? Certainly not. However, for those who find they do not fit into the general equation that society presents, perhaps this is something to pursue.

I found that BDSM is not about living a lie but about living. It starts with respecting the concept that one is free to choose how her or she opts to structure life. While many will cast a negative opinion about one serving in the capacity of a slave, the fact is that if this is what makes one whole inside, then it is a perfectly acceptable choice. When one wants to live in such a manner, who are we to try and deter that person.

Individuals awaken before the masses. Throughout history we see individuals who took a stand against the mainstream mindset. Rosa Parks is one who comes to mind. Society is the one that planted bigoted beliefs in people's minds. Generations were taught to hate coloreds. They were also show how homosexuality was despicable. And, today, we see the same powers show their followers how 'infidels' need to be eliminated. Dogma can come from anywhere and blind adherence is, historically, the path to slavery.

Remember all the lies society told throughout the ages the next time you are confronted with an implanted belief. The odds are that it doesnt work in your life. Awaken and choose your own path.

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Domination: Not Something You Fake

What does it mean to be dominant? We often hear this term but have you ever considered what it really means? How does one recognize domination? What are the qualities? Many of these questions cannot be answered yet we all understand what is meant by the term. And, we also can identify it when we see it.

Taking The Lead

In its simplest form, being dominant means 'taking the lead'. This is a phrase that will encompass all behavior of a dominant on. That person will not wait for approval or direction. Instead, the person chooses the path which he or she will follow. When you couple this with another when involved in a BDSM relationship, the result is the path both individuals will follow.

One component that is critical in this scenario is the ability to make a decision. You would be surprised how many people cannot do this. Instead, they excel at the art of 'waffling'. Whenever a person of this ilk is confronted with a choice, he or she hesitates to decide. Fear of making the wrong decision is the usual motivator in this situation. Of course, by not making a decision, one is actually making it. No decision is a decision.

Therefore, for one to be dominant, he or she must be decisive. Decisions need to be made quickly and with conviction. Personal development experts claim that the best leaders make their decisions quickly and are slow to change them. This means once they decide, it is full tilt forward. Confidence in oneself is imperative. While the fact is that bad decisions are made by everyone, a leader takes into account that he or she will be right more often than not.

Faking It

Many try to fake this part of the process. As opposed to making a decision, many newer people will waffle. This is a sure sign that someone isn't quite skilled as a dominant. Anyone who enters this lifestyle while suffering the perilous trait of mental inertia is doomed to fail as a dominant. The responsibility will ultimately crush a person like this.

The only way to better oneself is to practice making decisions. Procrastination needs to be recognized as the enemy. Those who major in that characteristics also champion the idea of nothing. They will not make a decision to save their life. Instead of choosing this route, opt to decide on every matter before you quickly. Here is where we develop the ability to live decisively.

A submissive type is looking for someone with the qualities that he or she is seeking. Decisiveness is one of those that almost all need to witness. This is how a dominant can built trust. Deciding quickly and emphatically will enlarge a submissive's view. He or she will follow behind when that decisiveness is proven to be a consistent quality. Whenever a dominant one is lacking this, the submissive is left with nothing to do but wait. He or she is there to follow. Without direction, there is stagnation for both.

Newer people try to fake this. Certainly, it is helpful to make decisions immediately when dealing with a new relationship. However, this is something that needs to continue over time. As mentioned, often people are in the habit of being inert. Society doesnt promote decisiveness as a trait for people to develop. The net result is most fail in this endeavor from a lack of effort. Now, when one attempts to fake it, he or she will soon realize the ability is not there. Inconsistency is another sign that someone is not what is proclaimed.

Resolve today to be decisive in all that you do. Whenever you are confronted with a decision, make it. Here is an exercise I often do when I find that I allow inertia to creep into my life. Take out a piece of paper and write down the next 5 things you are going to do. Thing about it for a few seconds then write the items down. Next, go complete those items. This little exercise will help you with you decision-making ability. Do it and do not second guess what is on the paper. Simply resolve to get it done. This is decisive behavior, a skill that your BDSM relationship depends upon.

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