January 19, 2011

Finding What You Need

I interact with many people throughout the week. Continually I have people hitting me up seeking to share their experiences with me. Often this is done because they are questioning what they are involved in. It seems that few find the utopia that I write about. Of course, one only needs to look at the decisions people make to understand why. If more would follow the suggestions I outline, they would eliminate a great deal of hassle.

Bad Endings

Logic ought to dictate to you that not everyone is a fit for you. It seems that many are under the impression that if one is submissive, he or she ought to go with anyone who is dominant. At the same time, those on the other side of the fence have the same viewpoint. Too many are willing to jump at the first person who comes along. This is a tragic mistake of epic proportions. Over the years, I personally have heard firsthand every story that ends in catastrophe with the exception of death. Homeless, rape, assault, lies, and deception are par for the course when one jumps into things too quickly.

While this post is not meant to scare anyone, I believe people need to be mindful of what exists out there. I will say that the most common experience is that people suffer some heartbreak. Lies and misdirection are commonplace among the BDSM community. While many are not outright frauds, they do exaggerate what they are. This enables one to suck in a willing accomplice since the stories are so powerful. When one is truly seeking, without safeguarding against dishonesty, he or she is vulnerable to getting taken. Ultimately, while not hurt, one finds him or herself in a situation that does not resemble what is desired.

What Fits You

I will admit there is no foolproof way to avoid some bad outcomes. Relationships by their nature are precarious and any time emotions are involved, hurt can result. However, one thing that you can do to increase your chances is to know exactly what you are seeking. This requires an internal search to determine your goals and desires. Few ever take this step in any area of life. Nevertheless, if you want to really succeed in the BDSM world, it is best to understand what you are after.

Getting back to my original premise, not everyone on the other side of the power exchange equation is suitable. For example, if you are truly a slave, then you had better resign yourself to taking some time to find a Master. Trust me when I tell you this, they are not all over the place. Even though the profiles might state they are a "Master", be leery. I will bet the ranch that the vast percentage are gross exaggerations of someone of this ilk. In fact, most of them do not know the first thing about being a Master. This can create a bad situation if you are one truly offering everything you have. I find that most are ill-prepared for the responsibility that goes along with that concept.

By the same token, not everyone is cut out to live and serve a Master. There are many who seek a degree of control in their lives. Even though these people are submissive, they prefer to experience it in only a few areas. Problems will arise if one gets with a person who demands total control all of the time. As you can see, these two aren't compatible in this regard. Of course, neither is wrong in their approach to the lifestyle; simply they have two different desires. Knowing what one desires is paramount.

So, what is it that you need? Are you one who seeks complete and total control (or desires to give it all over)? If so, be certain to get with someone of similar outlook. At the same time, if you want less than TPE, query the one you are interacting with to decide if that is what you seek. But everything starts with the inward journey.


Once you decide what you need, then you can go about fulfilling this. However, this is another occasion where many fail to heed the proper suggestions. Again, I need to stress that time is crucial. The manipulators and exaggerators excel at using speed to their advantage. They seek to 'wrap things up quickly'. Even in long distance relationships, they use pressing measures to get you to agree. This is scarcely different than the slick telemarketer who gets one to buy an overpriced cruise because there is a bottle of free wine included. Preying upon the human emotion of fear is an age-tested practice.

Finding the qualities that reside within a person takes time. Here is a case where you want to ignore what a person says. Instead, looking at how one lives his or her life tells a great deal. If you want to find out who I really am, ignore what I say and focus upon what I do. Am I reasonably consistent in my life? Do I appear to be one who is emotionally in control especially when things do not go my way? Or am I one flying off the deep end at the slightest mishap? Is my focus long-term or am I totally obsessed with the present moment? Am I one who puts a lot of stock in what others think? Or do I exemplify the ability to make my own decisions regardless of how others will view it? The answers to these questions will help you to determine some things about me in terms of the qualities I carry as both a person and a Master.

Fortunately, there are qualities present in all kinds of people that you find in the lifestyle that are common for that particular role. Subs differ from slaves just like Masters differ from Doms. Noticing the lack of qualities in a particular person while help to identify what that person truly is. Inferiority complexes, people pleasing, and an overwhelming lack of confidence reveals that one is not practiced in mastery and might want to be avoided. At the same time, one needs to be able to identify a willingness to grow, discipline, and obedience in another if she is to live as a slave. These qualities are universal in most of the people who were successful in this way of life.

The bottom line is there is not magic pill for success. We are dealing with relationships. However, it is vital that one improve his or her chances by engaging in intelligent decisions. Knowing what you desire while seeking out the qualities in a person that match that desire are some basic ways you can avoid some of the pitfalls mentioned at the start of this article. Like all things in this way of life, we look for solutions that increase our chances. Nothing is perfect but there are methods which will end up in tragedy. I hope this helps you in some way.

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